DUMB ANIMAL

THE CHANCELLOR ON BULLYING

"And then they poked sharp sticks in. And smoke, too, they tried that. It was like the fires of fucking Hell, in here. And dogs. Little McBrides they were, nasty little bastards But they can't get rid of me that easily. And I'm still here and the McBrides are not so that shows who's who and what's what, even if it doesn't get any of the money back."

The Badger-Keeper, Mr Incapability Brown, said sometimes he had to be cruel to be cruel.

Mr Brown highlighted the long service and "huge loyalty" of his animals, saying many had been with him for nearly 20 years.

"There's a huge loyalty in my animals and I am very sorry for them that they have been put through these allegations because we work together as a team," he said, " I beat them and they do as I say. That's real teamwork."

"I don't say it is not a difficult environment because you are challenged every day to make a decision." switching from first to second person as politicians now do, when they are discussing unpleasant things, as in, well, you just have to go to war, don't you?.

Mr Brown was asked whether, given his denials of bullying, he was prepared to take legal action against Andrew Rawnsley, the smug, gobby hack whose new book has sparked the furore over his alleged treatment of animals at Number 10.

"You could, you could, but you could spend all your time with legal actions," Mr Brown replied, meaning I could.

Asked if animal cruelty would leave a "stain on his character", Mr Brown replied: "I don't think it will, because I have answered the questions and I am saying, look, I do get impatient, sometimes you get angry, sometimes you have to do things that are very, very challenging. But at the end of the day they are only animals and you're the cleverest, no, I mean I'm the cleverest boy in the school. And anyway, stain on my character? You must be fucking joking"

But the thing is that you have got to get things done and you are pushing the animals all the time.

"We have had a recession and there are many people in jobs, many people who are still in their homes, many businesses that are still going because we had to beat the animals, yes, and kick them, too, we had to intervene and take the action."

The RSPCA has said that it thinks this Badger-baiting is among the worst cases of animal cruelty it has ever seen and Mr Incapability Brown should be banned from keeping animals or being in public office for life.