Old banger on suicide watch. A-ha-ha-ha.
Iris Robinson reports 'lies' - DUP
The Democratic Undertakers Party (props: the Paisley family) has hit back at media reports about Iris Robinson, which the party has branded "complete fabrication and defamation,so they are.".
According to a statement issued by a spokesman, Mr Billy George Orange, having spoken with the Robinson family, Mrs Robinson remains in hospital under an acute psychiatric nurse and under 24-hour suicide watch.
The party claims that is a result of "the unremitting and ruthless lies and attacks against her".
The statement also rubbishes claims Mrs Robinson would make a "Tiger Woods style" public apology in a bid to return to public life, saying there is no element of truth in the claims.
The spokesman continued by warning that those responsible for making defamatory accusations will "face the consequences, so they will".
"Iris publicly admitted her one indiscretion and has paid a high price for it," the statement added." porking yon wee man was her only crime and the money is something that we're quite sophisticated about, so we are, here in Ulster, seeing as how it all comes free from the mainland for us to use as we see fit, so it does."
"The behaviour of the press and media in extending, exaggerating, embellishing and sensationalising her position and engaging in pure fantasy stories about her is a clear attempt to pursue her to the grave and destroy the lives of all her family. Youse'd all think that an ould bag like her wi' a young lad was fantasy enough for most people but no, it's all been embroidered up like a piece of Belfast linen. Which we don't make here no more on account of my colleagues in the Assembly blowing everything up to fuck."
"Her story will be told and those who have made defamatory accusations will face the consequences. So they...etc"
The statement by the DUP comes as offices at Castlereagh Borough Council have been searched by a police team investigating allegations made against Iris Robinson in a recent tv programme.
The PSNI have confirmed they were at the East Belfast building on Saturday night.
A group from the Organised Crime branch is carrying out an enquiry after a documentary alleged Mrs Robinson secured a £50,000 loan from two wealthy developers to help her 19-year-old lover set up a restaurant.
It is claimed she did not declare an interest in the business despite sitting on the council that awarded the tender.
Mrs Robinson quit her three political positions as an MP, MLA and councillor after it emerged she had an affair with Kirk McCambley.Mr Gerry Nonce and Mr Marty Kneecaps and Mr Peter Cuckold have issued a joint statement to the effect that "the sooner these police matters and issues are under the control of decent criminals like ourselvses the sooner we's'll be able to sweep them quite properly under the carpet, so we will and that can only be in the interests of those wanting peace and equality in this here island and anybody who doesn't want that is a traitor so he is and there's no excuse for violence so there isn't unless it's us whose is doing it, so there isn't. Tony Blair, Ah, Gawd bless the wee fella, made us all millionaires so he did, not that we weren't anyway , what with the drugs and extorion. And in Mrs Robi9nson's case with your man, the young lad, being up front for the fifty grand."