Friday, 8 May 2009


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On Oprah Windbag and all over Skymadeupnewsandfilth


Sentimental idiots all over the world will be reaching for their credit cards because popular young ventriloquist, “Dr” Gerry McCann and his Scouse dummy, Cilla, are back tonight, just two short years after they lost their reputations in a Portugese piss-up, sorry, elegant and responsible soiree with professional colleagues and fellow obnoxious, smirking wankers, sorry, ventriloquists.

We’d do anything to have our reputations back, gottle a geer, gottle a geer, says Cilla, early in the programme, apart from answering any reasonable quesztions put to us by the police.

One of SkyMadeUpNewsAndFilth’s retired bent Scotland Yard detectives, former Chief Superintendent, Ron StickyFingers Knacker said No way, there’s no way these two good people played any part in losing their reputations, they was just ’avin a professional gargle or ten in the local rub-a-dub-dub and fuck me some local blagger comes in, half-inches their reputation and legs it off dahn the frog-an-toad an’ ever since then they’ve been workin’ like niggers, just like me, for that nice Mr Murdoch, selling loadsa copies a SkyMadeUpNewsAndFilf. Me an’ some a the lads ‘ave been over in DagoLand and re-constructed the theft a the reputation and some local slag’ll be bang to rights, you watch. And anyway, anybOdy inferring that these two are a pair of no account lying slags might find themselves accidentally falling down the stairs or having mysterious;y hung themselves by their shoelaces. Just like in the good old days.

Joined in the studio by Telly Professor Raj Persaud, “Dr” Gerry barely moved his lips as Cilla said Well it’s all very fab that we ‘ad our gaff paid for by, like charitable donation, an’ all our seaside clobber and all that dosh wot was like to look for our reputation was actually spent on me an Gezz an' our lawyers an' Team (Keep'em Out Of Jail) McCann but we only got the one gaff an’ so the next stage of the Find Our Reputation campaign is to get viewers to donate so’s me an Gezza can ‘ave a nice gaff on the shore somewhere only not in bleedin’ Portugal, obviously, gottle-a-geer, gottle-a-geer, where we can concentrate on finding our Dear, Sweet Little Reputation, that’ll be just, like magic and fab gear, whack. I mean, me an' Gez was just 'avin a few bevvies wiv the gang and some scally legs it wiv our PreciouS Reputation and them Dago bizzies was all over us, not like proper filth that you get 'ere, like, gottle-a-geer, gottle-a-geer.

Professor Plagiarist said,

Well, as professional ventriloquists it’s obvious these two people – well, one people and one skinny whining dummy who have told a pacl of lies fromstart to finish – couldn’t have played any part in this loss of their reputation; how could they, when the prime minsiter, Mr Ruin, himself, has vouched for them. And I say that as an honourable, professional person myself who doesn’t steal others’ work and pass it off as my own, or only occasionally. I have a new book out and it’s available to Gerry & Cilla fans at a special discount price of £24.99, a portion of which will go to charity, ie them. It’s called "Have You Ever Treated Your Child So Badly That She Ran Away With The Raggle-Taggle Gypsies-O ? Strategies For Coping." There’s a foreword by Gerry & Cilla’s sister, Phil-o-bollocks McCann, the well-known sofa celebrity, and fat stupid fishwife.

“Dr” Gerry and Cilla are an act you shouldn’t miss. Somebody should give them a long sentence, sorry series.


Dick the Prick said...

Cheers man - couple of belly laughs there. Looking at book sales figures is myopic - the ones people are buying shows a reaction. Praise be they can read.

woman on a raft said...

Since I couldn't face watching the programme, this post provided a useful public service, thank you.

One interesting political aspect of the case was that it happened barely a month before Blair left office. At the beginning, he was anxious to be identified with the event as he thought there was a good chance that the child would be found and then he'd look as if he had performed a miracle.

As the weeks wore on, he had other problems and anyway it was looking as if there was only bad PR to come out of it. Tony moved himself smartly away - you didn't see him sitting with them, holding their hands or promoting their cause.

It isn't often appreciated that the initial PR was handled not by the McCanns' representative or No 10, but by the PR for the holiday operator. This is partly why the coverage was focused for about the first 14 days - it was being done by a pro, not an idiot.

Thereafter the McCanns accepted increasingly bad advice. Grief can explain bad judgment, but it can also be explained by arrogance.

woman on a raft said...

This turned up on Order-Order. It might be of interest, if it can be verified.

cutofyourjib says:
May 13, 2009 at 11:18 am

Gerry McCann - another hoon. I have a feeling before what happened happened he was being groomed for some position in New Labour. Scottish. Brother living next door to Gordon’s brother. Love of the media and being in the limelight. Love of the sound of his own voice. Untrustworthy Government interference from the start in the events in portugal (over and above the norm - sending in your head of media monitoring to help em out with days…). Government protection and blanket media adulation from the usual suspects. It all fits.