Friday, 8 May 2009
GERRY 'N' CILLA ARE BACK!
On Oprah Windbag and all over Skymadeupnewsandfilth
BY JAYNE TITS.
Sentimental idiots all over the world will be reaching for their credit cards because popular young ventriloquist, “Dr” Gerry McCann and his Scouse dummy, Cilla, are back tonight, just two short years after they lost their reputations in a Portugese piss-up, sorry, elegant and responsible soiree with professional colleagues and fellow obnoxious, smirking wankers, sorry, ventriloquists.
We’d do anything to have our reputations back, gottle a geer, gottle a geer, says Cilla, early in the programme, apart from answering any reasonable quesztions put to us by the police.
One of SkyMadeUpNewsAndFilth’s retired bent Scotland Yard detectives, former Chief Superintendent, Ron StickyFingers Knacker said No way, there’s no way these two good people played any part in losing their reputations, they was just ’avin a professional gargle or ten in the local rub-a-dub-dub and fuck me some local blagger comes in, half-inches their reputation and legs it off dahn the frog-an-toad an’ ever since then they’ve been workin’ like niggers, just like me, for that nice Mr Murdoch, selling loadsa copies a SkyMadeUpNewsAndFilf. Me an’ some a the lads ‘ave been over in DagoLand and re-constructed the theft a the reputation and some local slag’ll be bang to rights, you watch. And anyway, anybOdy inferring that these two are a pair of no account lying slags might find themselves accidentally falling down the stairs or having mysterious;y hung themselves by their shoelaces. Just like in the good old days.
Joined in the studio by Telly Professor Raj Persaud, “Dr” Gerry barely moved his lips as Cilla said Well it’s all very fab that we ‘ad our gaff paid for by, like charitable donation, an’ all our seaside clobber and all that dosh wot was like to look for our reputation was actually spent on me an Gezz an' our lawyers an' Team (Keep'em Out Of Jail) McCann but we only got the one gaff an’ so the next stage of the Find Our Reputation campaign is to get viewers to donate so’s me an Gezza can ‘ave a nice gaff on the shore somewhere only not in bleedin’ Portugal, obviously, gottle-a-geer, gottle-a-geer, where we can concentrate on finding our Dear, Sweet Little Reputation, that’ll be just, like magic and fab gear, whack. I mean, me an' Gez was just 'avin a few bevvies wiv the gang and some scally legs it wiv our PreciouS Reputation and them Dago bizzies was all over us, not like proper filth that you get 'ere, like, gottle-a-geer, gottle-a-geer.
Professor Plagiarist said,
Well, as professional ventriloquists it’s obvious these two people – well, one people and one skinny whining dummy who have told a pacl of lies fromstart to finish – couldn’t have played any part in this loss of their reputation; how could they, when the prime minsiter, Mr Ruin, himself, has vouched for them. And I say that as an honourable, professional person myself who doesn’t steal others’ work and pass it off as my own, or only occasionally. I have a new book out and it’s available to Gerry & Cilla fans at a special discount price of £24.99, a portion of which will go to charity, ie them. It’s called "Have You Ever Treated Your Child So Badly That She Ran Away With The Raggle-Taggle Gypsies-O ? Strategies For Coping." There’s a foreword by Gerry & Cilla’s sister, Phil-o-bollocks McCann, the well-known sofa celebrity, and fat stupid fishwife.
“Dr” Gerry and Cilla are an act you shouldn’t miss. Somebody should give them a long sentence, sorry series.