Sunday, 31 May 2009


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From the Daily Suicide-O-Graph.

Meanwhile, it was also reported the former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy claimed taxpayer-funded expenses for teddy bears and mints from the House of Commons shop.

He said the claim had been submitted in error and the money - £14.90 - repaid earlier this month.

"I receive regular requests for (non party political) fund-raising and other charitable causes. These I meet from my own pocket and am happy to do so. When this error was picked up, upon receipt of these invoices, both were repaid by me on May 11 this year, just when they were about to be made public." " I must have been drunk at the time" continued the gay Highlander, " I normally am, the booze, d'ye ken, in the house of commons, is subsidised, like my entire life and so-called career, by the bonny taxpayer, although not in Scotland, obviously, where there aren't any. Did I mention I was the youngest ever alcoholic in the house of commons?"

"Since, like most Jock members," chuckled cheery CharlIe, the wee ginger darlin', "I spend my life pissed, I cannot be held responsible for myself or any money-grubbing errors I may characteristically make, such as going on Have I Got Stale News For You, with those other smarmy cunts."

"I am clearly not responsible for myself and this is why you should have all voted for me as prime minister, when you had the chance."

Charles Kennedy made a similar bold and frank and courageous statement of leadership a couple of years back, coincidentally just five minutes before one of his chums was about to expose him as a can't-stand-up pisshead who didn't know his arse from a hole in the ground. Charles can always be relied upon to fess-up when he has absolutely no other option but avoid the truth like the pox up until then, a true parliamentarian.

Tomorrow, Charles Kennedy on his AA meetings - My name is Charles Kennedy and I am a politician........


Verge said...

Re: not knowing your arse from a hole in the ground.

Could be a blessing in disguise for anybody forced through circumstance or ill-considered open-mindedness to road-test a new line of butt-plugs.

call me ishmael said...

Happy to say, Mr Verge, that I have only the faintest idea what a butt-pug is and fervently hope to remain at that level of - I presume - blissful ignorance, my feeling being that if God had meant one to have a plug up one's arse he would have not bothered making an arse in the first place but arranged the plumbing somewhat differently, equally, we could have come equipped with one, a butt-plug, that is, I dunno where it would have gone when not in use but God is supposed to be good with this sort of thing, although He hasn't, in my view, been up to much so far; perhaps He'll get into his stride and surprise us all, but we'd best not hold our breath.

Dick the Prick said...

No, i'm not too sure what butt plugs are but I think it has something to do with sphincters being err...buggered out of kilter thereby making seepage an issue. Plus, alcoholic Charlie may also have issues as booze can damage bottom activity too.

I read somewhere that Fidel Castro has been fitted with a ceramic rectum - and Farah Fawcett seems terminal with arse cancer.

So, whilst obviously being an amusing item - I think they serve a genuine purpose.

Verge said...

My understanding was that these things are entirely recreational (for them as likes that sort of thing) - I had no idea there was a legitimate medical application. Learn something new etc...

Culturally I'd be inclined to place the butt-plug below the salt - strap-ons are much more amusing and gave us, after all, Steely Dan (& that hilarious photo of a sheepish-looking Guy Ritchie trailing after his then missus after she'd been shopping for toys.)

That said, it's your blog, Mr Ish, and I shall stop going on about this stuff at once.

Hardwick said...

Speaking as a traditionalist in the joinery field I would be intersted to know what you all make of "Butt hinges".

Anonymous said...

This thread's turned into a cul-de-sac.

Anonymous said...

But me no buts