Wednesday, 20 May 2009
A POMPOUS FAT GIT WRITES
BY SIMON HEFFER, OF THE DAILY MADEUPNEWSANDFILTHOGRAPH
As one who is gifted, I might modestly say, with an ability to write, from the high moral ground, whatever pleases my owner, be he the arch criminal bully and fraudster, My Noble Lord Conrad BlackStockings, currently and most unjustly, of The Florida State Penitentiary, who was most decidedly gracious and generous to your humble scribe, albeit with monies he had liberated, as do all great men, from the purses of the poor and inconsequential or be he one of the exotic and mysterious Bizarro Twins who currently own me, my wife and my revolting spawn, who should, of course, be treated, as a result of their father’s proximity to organised criminals, far more equally than other children, would venture to suggest and not without having exposed the matter to the considerable forensic cognitive powers, derived from my humble life experience as an idle, layabout mouthy HighTory wanker manqué and bloated media whore that I am uniquely placed to express a view, which, given my considerable self-esteem, should be taken seriously by the Powers-that-be on the characteristics required by the next Speaker, who, in my humble but widely valued opinion should be the notable pugilist, Mr Frank Bruno.
With his pithy catchphrases and Shakespearian argot – Where am I ’Arry ? Didn’t see that one comin’ ‘Arry and To stay down on the canvas or get up an ‘ave anuvver ‘ammerin’, that is the question, ‘Arry – Mr Bruno proves he has the powers of self-expression so lacking in the last incumbent, Mr Gorbals, who, as is often the case with Sub-epsilon factory workers from the North, had barely a word of latin and less Greek. A dalliance here, momentarily, to reflect that, as usual, I was correct all along in my judgement of the oaf, Martin; people from Glasgow make perfectly good labourers, manual workers and indeed, when the trumpet of Duty is blown and we greater men must stay, compelled, in our protected employment, Glaswegians are known to make unaccustomedly fine cannon fodder but the idea that they could marshal their betters, lead them and regulate them is frankly ridiculous.
Members of good conscience, and they are an alarmingly small band, should, crying God for ‘Arry, England and Saint George, rally around Mr Bruno and carry him to the Speaker’s Chair; it is only then that we will beat a retreat to normalcy and I can return to finding spiteful things to say about Mr Dave, our wanky leader, or whatever else Mr & Mr Barclay, bless, tell me to write about.
In tomorrow's DAILY MADEUPNEWSANDFILTHOGRAPH: EDWINA SLAPPER, the former Eggs Minister, reveals her nights of rough panel-beating with Gorbals Mick, don't miss her scorching revelations.
Also in the FilthOgraph, Jeremy Clarkson on why his friend, Mr The Stig, should be the new Speaker - The Stig would have them marching through the lobby so fast their hair would be on fire, you might think that this was the fastest you'd ever seen a bunch of degenerate thieves running BUT YOU'D BE WRONG.... and so on