THE UNELECTED PRIME MINISTER AT THE LEVESON ENQUIRY.
Now look. Let's be clear about this. Mr Coulson may well be a lying, poisonous, unprincipled piece of shit (aka a journalist) he may also have presided over the very worst behaviour ever seen even in the admittedly filthy pages of the News of the World, he may have set his jackals to violate people's privacy and to make up stories about them and their families, what mr ishmael and his young friend, stanislav, the plumber, describe as skymadeupnewsandfilth, but that's not to say I shouldn't give him a second chance, and a job at the very heart of my unelected govament which the people of this country elected so clearly. And anyway, Mr Murdoch told me to. Mr Murdoch senior, that is, although I would have done it if Mr Murdoch junior had told me. Or Ms Rebekka Kemp Wood Brookes, wodever, my very good friend and neighbour, the mad, ginger bint. And let us not forget that Ms Brookes helped enact Sara's Law, which is the single biggest step forward in whatever it is that there has ever been. Only not Mr Clarkson, he just drives the car, I wouldn't give any of his friends a job. Not that he has any.
You know, let's be frank about this, clearly, I very much believe in giving people a second chance, it's at the heart of my being. And that is why I will always give people like Mr Hague the Miscarriager a second chance not to spill the beans about me. When people are found, however, stealing a bottle of water, well then the courts have my full permission to - indeed I insist that they must - put them in jail for as long as possible. Like I said, I believe in giving people a second chamce. But only people I know, preferably rich people, like Mr Osborne's friends at Vodafone.
And while I'm here your worship, I will just take this opportunity to tell the people of this nation about my principled stand on foreign affairs. Let's be clear, we are entirely opposed to the police in Syria cracking down on freedom fighters. But we believe that it is proper, perfectly proper, for Mr Obama's junta in Cairo to use British and American weapons and munitions against their own people, millions of whom are, well, let's not mince words, nothing short of Egyptians. And when it comes to the maintainance of law and order in other parts of the world, let me be clear about the prospect of the police in a democratic nation baton-whipping and teargassing old ladies, children and pregnant women; the prospect of police officers calmly walking up and down a line of peaceful protesters and teargassing them directly in the face; these are entirely acceptable to me and let's be clear, indicate why we must with all possible haste disabuse the peoples of our countrries of the notion, entirely dangerous in my view, that they have rights, having rights only means that they get hurt or, ideally, killed. When I say we, I mean President HillaryTrouser, President Obama, myself and our employers at Goldman Sachs.
Let me be perfectly clear, everybody will agree with me when I say that just because people in Egypt, in Syria, in Spain and Greece, in Italy and in the United States are being attacked by police forces armed with British and American weapons, it doesn't mean that we aren't all in this together. My govament was elected to stand by Mr Obama's govament of Egypt, and to hasten the invasion of Syria and Iran. And if old ladies in the States are being gassed and baton-whipped, well, all I can say is that it serves them jolly well right. I am sure I speak for all parties in this house when I say that people exercising their so-called rights are a barrier to the very economic growth which we all want to see.
Labour cheers. Tory cheers. LibDem cheers, SNP cheers, Plaid Cymru cheers. Ulster Undertakers' Party cheers.
Rights, and what should happen in this country, this is my business, that's what I was elected for, to do the things which no-one wants to happen, apart from the one per cent of us who own things. Will I condemn the Egyptian puppet junta? Certainly not. Will I condemn the beating and gassing of teenagers? Well, these are difficult times, left to us by the member for Kircaldy
Mr Gordon Snot
and everyone has to make sacrifices. I for instance, forego five per cent of my salary and manage to bump along on just shy of three grand a week, so I won't take any lectures from dinner ladies or anyone else on that score, oh and there's Mrs Dave's income, of course but that's more like an honorarium and so you can't count her miserable three hundred grand a year, But on the good news front I would point to the recent acquisition of Northern Rock by Mr Sir Richard Bumhole
and what a great bargain this represents for him. I mean the taxpayer. Sir Bumhole's purchase of Northern Rock is great news for the people in the NorthEast of England, wherever that is. It is a measure of his probity as an employer that so many people have taken the grinning bastard to court and he has settled on the steps. And I commend the actions of my right honourable friend, the Chancellor, as all his figures, all his predictions and assumptions are proven wrong. Again.
You know as I go around the country having my photo taken, threatening and bullying people I am struck by how frightened people are of me, only not Frau Merkel or M'sieu Sarkozy unfortunately, but even so, terrifying sick and vulnerable people has always been great sport and we are enjoying every minute of it, it is, and let's be clear, most gratifying, rather like being at Eton, but not as much buggery.
LEVESON: Thank you prime minister for your testimony. And for giving me the job.
PRIME MINISTER DATA AT A STAR TREK CONVENTION
Don't live long and don't prosper.