Monday, 21 November 2011



Now look. Let's be clear about this. Mr Coulson may well be a lying, poisonous, unprincipled piece of shit (aka a journalist)  he may also have presided over the very worst behaviour ever seen even in the  admittedly filthy pages of the  News of the World,  he may have set his jackals to violate  people's privacy and to make up stories about them and their families, what mr ishmael and his young friend, stanislav, the plumber, describe as skymadeupnewsandfilth, but that's not to say I shouldn't give him a second chance, and a job at the very heart of my unelected govament which the people of this country elected so clearly. And anyway, Mr Murdoch told me to. Mr Murdoch senior, that is, although I would have done it if Mr Murdoch junior had told me.  Or Ms Rebekka Kemp Wood Brookes, wodever,  my very good friend and neighbour, the mad, ginger bint.  And let us not forget that Ms Brookes helped enact Sara's Law, which is the single biggest step forward in whatever it is that there has ever been. Only not Mr Clarkson, he just drives the car, I wouldn't give any of his friends a job. Not that he has any.

You know, let's be frank about this, clearly, I very much believe in giving people a second chance, it's at the heart of my being.  And that is why I will always give people like Mr Hague the Miscarriager a second chance not to spill the beans about me.  When people are found, however, stealing a bottle of water, well then the courts have my full permission to - indeed I insist that they must - put them in jail for as long as possible. Like I said, I believe in giving people a second chamce. But only people I know, preferably rich people, like Mr Osborne's friends at Vodafone.

And while I'm here your worship, I will just take this opportunity to tell the people of this nation about  my principled stand on foreign affairs. Let's be clear, we are entirely opposed to the police in Syria cracking down on freedom fighters.  But we believe that it is  proper, perfectly proper, for Mr Obama's junta in Cairo to use British and American weapons and munitions against their own people, millions of whom are, well, let's not mince words,  nothing short of Egyptians.  And when it comes to the maintainance of law and order in other parts of the world, let me be clear about the prospect of  the police  in a democratic nation baton-whipping and teargassing old ladies, children and pregnant women;  the prospect of police officers calmly walking up and down a line of peaceful protesters and teargassing them directly in the face;  these are  entirely acceptable to me and  let's be clear, indicate why we must with all possible haste disabuse the peoples of our countrries of the notion, entirely dangerous in my view, that they have rights, having rights only means that they get hurt or, ideally, killed.  When I say we, I mean President HillaryTrouser, President Obama, myself and our employers at Goldman Sachs.

Let me be perfectly clear, everybody will agree with me when I say that just because people in Egypt, in Syria, in Spain and Greece, in Italy and in the United States are being attacked by police forces armed with British and American weapons, it doesn't mean that we aren't all in this together.  My govament was elected to stand by Mr Obama's govament of Egypt, and to hasten the invasion of Syria and Iran. And if old ladies in the States are being gassed and baton-whipped, well, all I can say is that it serves them jolly well right.  I am sure I speak for all parties in this house when I say that people exercising their so-called rights  are a barrier to the very economic growth which we all want to see.

Labour cheers. Tory cheers. LibDem cheers, SNP cheers, Plaid Cymru cheers. Ulster Undertakers' Party cheers.

Rights, and what should happen in this country, this is my business, that's what I was elected for, to do the things which no-one wants to happen, apart from the one per cent of us who own things. Will I condemn the Egyptian puppet junta? Certainly not. Will I condemn the beating and gassing of teenagers?  Well, these are difficult times, left to us by the member for Kircaldy

Mr Gordon Snot
No more booming baton rounds and water cannon.

and everyone has to make sacrifices.  I for instance, forego five per cent of my salary and manage to bump along on just shy of three grand a week, so I won't take any lectures from dinner ladies or anyone else on that score, oh and there's Mrs Dave's income, of course but that's more like an honorarium and so you can't count  her miserable three hundred grand a year, But on the good news front I would point to the recent acquisition of Northern Rock by Mr Sir Richard Bumhole

and what a great bargain this represents for him.  I mean the taxpayer. Sir Bumhole's purchase of Northern Rock is great news for the people in the NorthEast of England, wherever that is.  It is a measure of his probity as an employer that so many people have taken the grinning bastard to court and he has settled on the steps. And I commend the actions of my right honourable friend, the Chancellor, as all his figures, all his predictions and assumptions are proven wrong. Again.

You know as I go around the country  having my photo taken, threatening and bullying people I am struck by how frightened people are of me, only not Frau Merkel or M'sieu Sarkozy unfortunately, but even so, terrifying sick and vulnerable people has always been great sport and we are enjoying every minute of it, it is, and let's be clear, most gratifying, rather like being at Eton, but not as much buggery.

LEVESON:  Thank you prime minister for your testimony. And for giving me the job.


Don't live long and don't prosper.


mongoose said...

Cameron, Mr Ishmael, is just the latest in a long line of Eton and Oxford show-ponies to lord it over us. You'd think by now that we would have worked it out. For fuck's sake, he and the missus are all but bastard royalty. It's like the bloody middle ages have come down from the sky to bugger us all silly once again.

Things could be worse though. There really has been a coup d'etat by any other name in Greece, and again, but less so, in Italy. If the EU solids hit the fan here, we will have Cleggo ruling the roost. Then we are fucked for sure. And the Germans might just do it - to sink the pound and save the euro. I don't think that they can but they might sure as hell try. It's called the Tobin Tax. (That's shorthand for make the UK pay the fucking bill.) I would imagine that the City has ruination planning in place. Let us hope that they have done their work well. In any event, Cameron is a bystander.

call me ishmael said...

Gosh, mr momgoose, that's a new one to add to the infinity of paranoid possibilities. Inasmuch as I can guage public opinion in these matters Cameron and Osbo are certainly widely seen in all quarters - apart from the BBC - as bystanding, either for the political reasons you present, or just as a result of congenital, thicko incompetence and antique doctrinaire stupidity. Anyone in Ishmaelia got any idea of how long before there is a run on the banks and we really are heading for a life of sharpened sticks and dung fire briquettes?

mongoose said...

Paranoid? Moi? Just because the politicians are out to fuck us does not mean, does it, I pray thee, that they are out to fuck us. The Tobin nonsense is exactly that levelling of the EU danegeld. The Germans cannot pay, nor the French - who if they could, wouldn't - but the Germans think that we together can just about stitch it into a vaguely doable financial figleaf. It is mad but it is the Grand Plan.

call me ishmael said...

No, I didn't mean you, I meant me. Remember the Saga of Gordon the Ruiner? An infinity of paranoid possibilities is one of my touchstone descriptions of this vale of tears.

That's not to say that you may not be paranoid. Just not as paranoid as me. I.

Dick the Prick said...

I don't necessarily hold the view but considering i'm tired, bored and disgusted in equal measure, they can have the Tobin tax if they want it. When base rates are 0.5% and yet the cheapest mortgage I could get was 3% with no fees! except the £400 conveyancing and valuation charge (for my own fucking house so, err, it's already got book value, the utter cunts) then I kinda think, fuck 'em, have some tax, go fuck yourself and print another 1/4 of a trillion quid, see if I care.

To predict tales of economic gloom based on the imposition of a levy of financial transactions doesn't even begin to attend to the structural exclusion that has been wreaked on what could be quaintly classed as British Society.Inc so, fuck em, how much more can I be shafted when i'm already being spit roasted by some Bully boy fags.

yardarm said...

So little time and so many arses to kiss, that`s a politicians dilemma; eg, if it`s Thursday, it must be Rupe. Anyway, with that great tombstone of a bonce Top Hat Boy must find it quite a challenge to complete his rimming duties, it must be like the recipient has grown a third buttock. Perhaps if he was a penis lookalike, like Chris Grayling he`d find it easier to slide up the fundaments of his masters.

mongoose said...

Well, a Tobin Tax is effectively a tax on money. You know like when you transfer some money from one place to another and it feck's off for three to five days? Three to five day's overnight money value to the bank, and thank-you kindly. I am a nice chap but we don't want any more of that malarkey thanks.

And anyway that is exactly not the direction we wnat to be going. If whizz kid A does transaction B for 10 dollars with whizz kid C, and C likewise does 9 dollars worth with A - what will happen? They will lie and cheat and call it a net one dollar, and they'll doubtless create some arcane financial instrument that will be even more opaque than what we have now and risk and swinehood and profit will befoul each other and we will be back to square one but only worse than when we started out.

Anyway, it will not happen. Blood on the streets though. Just a few years of mayhem.

iolanthe said...

Ishmael, your daily and fatuous droppings are like reading the Onion… if the Onion was totally devoid of humour. Honestly, how many times did you intend to use a flatulent term such as “let me be clear” in one column? Are you a parrot? A stutterer? Are you channeling Richard Nixon?
Such superfluous phrasings sound curiously similar those used by the very individuals you are attempting (rather impotently) to skewer.

Perhaps consider investing in a copy of Elements of Style: William Strunk, Jr.

Verge said...

What do you say to a monotreme that dribbles when it tries to speak?

Wipe your arse, cunt.

call me ishmael said...

Good to see that you've had a nice big sleep and are feeling better, after having your bottom smacked last night. But it's not me, you see, mr iolanthe, it's mr shinyface, does all these authoritarian, know-it-all suffixes and we must all mock him in our own way, as he sells-off the nation to Goldman Sachs; you do it by attacking me, which is doubtless very clever and much too subtle for me to properly understand. I have to go now and feed the peacocks but in the meantime you should go and watch mr steve coogan on the telly, he's universally acclaimed and, like yourself, stumbling around in the dark recesses of his own poor, troubled, distended ego.

I should advice you also that we are a polite bunch of cyber comrades here, using honorifics and titles and so on, rather than the Oi, you, wanker ! salutations to which you are no doubt accustomed, so, please, if you come back after you've had your tea, please be polite, like a big boy does; otherwise you'll have to go on the naughty step.

call me ishmael said...

Mr verge is famed throughout the realm for his occasionally dark erudition and I must say that his recent references have been beyond my ken, therefore:

Mr iolanthe, an explanation, from wiki:

"The key anatomical difference between monotremes and other mammals is the one that gave them their name; monotreme means 'single opening' in Greek and comes from the fact that their urinary, defecatory, and reproductive systems all open into a single duct, the cloaca. This structure is very similar to the one found in reptiles."

I think thios translates as mr iolanthe doing everything through his arse.

Gosh, were I he, I would be thrilled by such elegant abuse.

call me ishmael said...

Blood on the streets is, I am sorry to say, mr mongoose, in my estimation, unlikely, or at least so distant that the unGodly shiteaters will be well-prepared to suppress it ruthlessly with martial law and the imposition of extant EU shoot-to-execute legislation. It might be different were there a viable parliamentary opposition around which rebellion might coalesce but there isn't, we live in a one-party-playing-musical-chairs state - globe, actually, to all intents and purposes. We need Europe and Amerika to start ripping up the paving slabs and hanging-up a few uber-bandits, but we're watching Piers Moron and the x-Factor, instead.

yardarm said...

Even the cretins running the EU must laugh their tits off when Top Hat Dave hoves in view to give them the benefit of his economic wisdom. And after that ten second monologue Kanzellor Dangler Merkin simply yawns, farts and reminds him that Britain doesn`t even manufacture its own fucking kettles any more and what`s it got instead ? The City ? Toytown Prime Minister with a shantytown economy.

Just seen the new Italian Quisling on the news. Apparently he and his Greek oppo polished chairs as EUcrats, and polished chairs for the inevitable Goldman Sachs and so are doubly liable for the pain they`re commissioned to inflict on their compatriots. But Italian politics can be volatile and violent; strewn with ' Illustrious Dead ': maybe little Monti will be carried out of the Palazzo Chiggi feet first. Assuming his feet are still attached to the rest of him.

And the efforts of Dave and the rest of the Junta of the Damned will be to protect the interests of the elite. If growth doesn`t deliver, who cares ? Squeeze the rest until they cough up. Trickle down economics some comedian called it.

call me ishmael said...

What creases me, mr yardarm, is to see wee Osbo on the EuroStar with Nick Robinson fellating him for all he's worth, Georgie dashing back and forth, squeaking, as if - as you so rightly say - anybody gives a fuck for his second-form arithmetic. But I suppose as long as the various shiteaters remain united in their opposition to referenda on anything more important than wheeliebin collection then they're be enough stolen goods for them all to retire to gated communities.

mongoose said...

The bastard Robinson is to be seen on the box now whining and fucking whinging about government spending and "how the government wastes money". Honest and not invent neither, as somebody used to almsot say. Jesus, where has he been these last thirteen blasted years? The cheek of the little runt, whilst almost admirable, or maybe he has been reborn as a satirist, calls for a stout rope. Ghastly mincing little traitor needs hanging in the doorway of Broadcasting House. His mates would at least have to file past his twitching corpse to get to their troughs. It just beggars belief. Horrible, horrible little swine.

Dick the Prick said...

Dear Mr Iolanthe

Let me be clear, yo momma is sooo fat she's got beepers on her ass.

Hugs 'n' kisses