Tuesday, 15 November 2011



 The distinguished entrepreneur - or infamous racketeer, shithead and failed coupster - Sir Mark Mumsy has expressed his disappointment that a film has been made about his criminal family without him having been paid any money.  I have friends who can be very persuasive, said Sir Mumsy, referring to former Field Marshal Sir Simon Mann Golightly-Jockstrap, thicko mercenary, author  and  ex-con, who was Mumsy's co-accused in their abortive attempt to take over an African banana republic and  who did the time in a jungle jailhouse whilst Boy Wonder Mark, pimping, as ever, on his mother's name, got off with a bollocking.

The disgraced hereditary viscount, also famous for milking his mother's contacts with the headchopping elite of Oman, has his arse in his hands over the current portrayal of his mother by ageing Hollywood strumpet, Mrs Meryl Teeth, below.

Meryl Teeth stars in Thatcher vs Thatcher,
a study in greed and dementia.

My mother not only served the country with distinction but was also on the board of many other  distinguished  criminal families, such as that of Lord Conrad Black-Embezzler, the famous newspaper-owning-and-robbing convict and that of General Sir Jorge Pinochet, the acclaimed human rights activist and exterminator sans pareil.  My mother unfailingly signed-off Lord Black's accounts, whether they were accurate or not, which they never once were,  that's how great a lady she was. And she did all of this for a mere few hundred thousand pounds of shareholders' money.

If Ms Teeth doesn't do the decent thing  and pay me my cut I can arrange for Mr Mann to go around to her gaff and bore the arse off her with tales of his jungular derring-do. Or maybe my sister, wotsername.

A spokesperson for Meryl Teeth said, Meryl has wrung herself out, gone right to the very edge, in this performance which she feels captures the true essence of Baroness Williams.  It takes a great deal of courage to go where great actresses go ( up producers' arses? ed.) and she is now recharging her batteries and considering other scripts suitable for a young actress of her age ( 67.)

Lord Bell-End.

Sir Tim Bell-End, Thatcherite PR guru said that to trade on the Thatcher legend was despicable. 
These people are just making money  for the sake of it. ( honest, not invent.)

Lord Norman Tebbit, of the Filth-O-Graph and late of Al-Fayed Enterprises,
although he didn't know about the freebies until he was found out and then he stopped  taking them, like a good Tory.

Well, far be it from me to mention to the prime minister that I won three general elections whilst he hasn't won any.  Far be it from me, a former pilot and working journalist ( rabble-rousing fuckpig? ed) to tell this effete public schoolboy what to do.  I mean whaddooIknow, I only won three elections.  Margaret Thatcher. Yes, a great lady, she helped me win three elections. And now here I am, writing tosh for expatriot redneck wankers.  Well said, Lord Norman, they say, couldn't have put it better myself.  And they're right,   they couldn't.


an angry expatriot said...

Dear Sir Norman.

I'd just like to say that you put your finger on the pulse of what is wrong with this great country which I don't live in and never visit unless it's to get some NHS treatment. I was too clever to live in Britain anymore, hating all the communists and the niggers and the wimmins rights activists in govament and everywhere and so, being clever, I came to live in some Dago shithole which is also going down the pan. And very hot. But spirits are cheap here and you can sit around in your underpants all day long. But even so I wouldn't never go back to England, not until the Brownshirts are returned to power once more. Keep up the good work Sir Norman and if you ever fancy a break you'll be most welcome down here; the lavvy's a brisk half mile hike away but most of the time you can just piss in the sink, it's not as though it's connected to anything. Please bring some PG Tips.

Did I say you had your finger on the pulse of, um, things?

Woman on a Raft said...

the true essence of Baroness Williams.


Which reminds me, I'm feeling guilty that I just haven't got round to reading Shirl's book. Maybe they'll film it then I can wait till it comes out on DVD.

yardarm said...

Mark Thatcher is so dense his head should have caved in to form a black hole.

As for Bell, some years ago he was convicted of indecent exposure after indulging in a spot of onanism in a window overlooking Hampstead Heath. So he is a wanker. Officially.

the noblest prospect said...

I have often wondered, who, among the whole, horrible panoply of crooks, torturers, murderers and charlatans here derided, would represent the true embodiment of Ruin?

Surely there can be no measure of how far we have sunk than this vile cunt?

One can only hope that old Nick has a special place put aside for our Mark.

call me ishmael said...

A proper country wouldn't have hereditary viscountcies, but even so, this arse should have been stripped of his; proximity to Power, protects from all, even - especially - from the party opposite.