Sunday, 20 November 2011



Reports are coming in that a notorious, unelected playboy dictator has been captured.

I never did anything wrong.

A former member of the infamous Gang of Four,

Mandelstein is said to have brokered bribes to the British Govament from shortarse motor racing magnates; done illegal deals  with international crooks, to have sold British Govament documents, to have lied and bullied and blackmailed his way across Whitehall and then, having been sort-of sacked,  done the same thing all around Europe where, as a price for his silence, he was given a fabulously well-paid sinecure in the European Ponzi Scheme Directorate.

Mandelstein, a lifelong socialist,  was friends  with anyone who had money, however thay had obtained it, Russian so-called oligarchs, British banking magnates like the Rothschilds and notably with Saif al Islam, scion of the Gadaffi family. The disgraced, horrid  old poof was  said to have been cleaning-up by flogging-off the contents of an address book compiled whilst in various positions of power and influence  in what is laughably called public service. In this activity Mandelstein is no different to any other Western politician, the rotten, filthy, lying, thieving bastards, a pox be on them, their children and their childrens children.

The prisoner is said to have blackmailed his way back into a position of Joint UK Prime Minister in the govament of Mr Gordon Snot,

with whom he was earlier rumoured to have been sexually involved.

If I go down, you all go down, Lord Mandelson is claimed to have shouted on his arrest.

Another former UK prime minister, 

Mr Tony Shameless, now owner of  WeSellPeaceDisguisedAsWar plc, or is it the other way round, said, Listen,  all I ever wanted was for the Labour party to love Peter as much as I do.  I mean did.

His former colleague, Big Al Campbell, himself a drunk,  a pornographer, a liar  and a conveniently manic depressive coward said I always hated the fucking bastard but I never had the courage to say so. I'll probably write a book about him. And go on teevee and talk about it, they love having me


She was quite the Marilyn Monroe, was the Aussie prime minister  - wotsername, Gillard, a stupid Welsh cunt, is how my Aussie neighbour  describes her. I say neighbour, but not like next door, about three miles down the road;  but she can't, in my view, be as bad as that arsehole, Kevin, her predecessor,  the one who travelled the continent feeling people's pain, everytime there was a fire or a flood, the fucking bastard. Wiggling and simpering at Mr President Obama last week, she must've curdled the milk of human kindness all around the Pacific rim, so to speak.

(a reader writes, Dear Mr Smith, this rimming business, isn't this something from the depraved imagination of dirty people, people  like mr verge, people don't really lick one another's bottoms, do they?  yours, Mrs Agnes Truelove.

another reader writes, Yo Ishmael, you, or is it yo' is my motherfucking man, and I refer to Mrs Truelove's letter in this issue, above,  and Gosh she must have led ay sheltered life. Me and Mrs  Hague,  for instance,  indulge regularly in ay spot of  trombone er playing and very pleasureable it is, too, for me, at any rate,  although ay woman is not quite the same  transport of delights as is ay pretty young man ......(that's enough letters from the foreign seckatry, ed. I don't care how many miscarriages he's had. Or his official wife's had, he's not coming in here talking about perversion,  that's mr verge's job)

I dread to think what the owner of America - Mr Hoo Flung Dung of the Bank of China - made of all this knickerdrenched  simpering, let alone what the Australian electorate made of it all, mind you, it's mostly pissed or backward, isn't it, the Aussie electorate? Or both.

(there are hundreds of this type of  photograph, don't know what mr gillard'll make of them)

But the best bit of the trip was when Obie announced that even though Merka is piss poor, skint and ain't rightly got a pot to piss in he was gonna station two and a half thousand child-raping crewcut psychobastard MommasBoy  GIs, Marines, Seals, mercenaries, assassins, torturers, CIA Black Operatives and Christ alone  knows what other kind of sinister, fucked-up barbarians down there in Australasia. As if it wasn't bad enough there already, with the white Aussies.

 Yo, my fellow Australian  motherfuckers, Yeah,  dooty, service to one's country, dooty, peace and stability, yeah, dooty, and okay, just a little bit a torture, mebbe at the weekends, but I never said that.

Mrs Gillard later announced herself very satisfied with President Obamadong's visit.

I guess he probably still believes, has to  believe, Obie, that his poxed-up rustbucket of a country, with its teeming millions of broke, obese, racist,  unemployed, yearning for double cheesburgers and giant fries  Creationist morons, its bent Congress and its Ponzi economy is still the powerhouse of the world, and its policeman.  And that yet another global base, to add to the seven hundred-plus it already has will, somehow, cure all those pesky domestic ills. Homelessnes, unemployment, inflation and so on.

Obie probably thinks, or is told by his Goldman-Sachs Cabinet, that China will continue to buy US TrashBonds, continue to let its workforce toil twelve-hour days, manufacturing  cheap white goods for export to the States and that it'll still let America throw its weight around. But Obie has had his head up his arse for, well, for ever,  that's why so many people liked him, it's an American thing, having your head up your arse;  wossat your saying up there, mr president,  from sea to shining sea?  Right, mr president, I copy that.

China, though, has a population approaching one and a half billion, although how anyone counts them I'm fucked if I know, especially when they all look the same, all got too many teeth, all talk like angry budgerigars. But only a million of them have credit cards.  A million isn't even a per cent of a billion, imagine the UK economy if only point ten of one percent had a credit card. And everybody knows that credit is the only way you can keep the factories operating and the people usefully employed, sort of.  So all it takes is for  the CommieBastard Emperor - whichever cruel, rat-faced, toothy mongrelbastard  is in charge - to extend  to his own people the credit facilities that he is currently extending to Uncle Sam and then he has an internal market for his fucking rubbish, can invest, instead of in the States, all over Africa, India, South America and, as we see,  in the European Union of Ponzi Republics.

And if it came to a military stand-off with  Obie, well, the chinks have so many spare people that they could bomb his Australian base with them.  Fire them in by hundreds of thousands, catapult them, drop them out of aeroplanes. 

At the time of the Falklands conflict I wrote to Mrs Thatcher, saying that Justice - and Poetry - would be served by stripping-out the passenger seats and loading up the national fleet of Concordes with one-kilo tins of Fray Bentos corned beef,  flying over Buenos Ares at the speed of sound and letting-go a load of bullybeef - imagine some Gaucho, swaggering down the street, in his chaps, twirling his moustaches and Pow! a corned beef tin, travelling at eleven hundred feet per second, smacks him in the kisser. Take his head clean off,  it would;  and a coupla hundred tins,  smashing through the Argie parliament,  they'd all be calling for  a vote of confidence in the MalvinasWar after that, those with their heads still on, anyway.  

The Concorde could carry a hundred and ten people and their Gucci luggage, and a few crates of champagne for David Frost, what's that, say twelve- fifteen thousand kilos, fifteen thousand tins of Fray Bentos slamming into Buenos Ares, all at once, they would've thought they'd died and gone to Hell.  Fucka me, Amigo, zees ees sheet, zees ees, les Ingleses eesa bombing our ass weeth zee corn-ed beef what we 'ave-a sent to zem een zee first-a place.

The Chinks, however,  they could just lob in a few million of themselves.  I knew someone who manned a machinegunpost in the Korean War and he told me that some nights only one in ten of the slopes he was shooting carried a proper weapon.  We know that Chairman Mao the Paedo slaughtered about twenty million of his own folks and the people still worshipped his poxy arse. And  we know, too,  that  next-door, the Nips were as happy as pigs in shit to crash their planes into the enemy, rip their own guts out with rusty swords or throw themselves off cliffs rather than surrender.  I don't want to be considered racist or anything but I do think  that your Oriental, your Nip and your Chink and your Slope, all the yellow bastards, in fact,  do take a different view.

Strewth, Cobber, what was that, just went crashing through that roof....???

Looked like a fucking Chinaman to me, Sport.....

What, stone me, a real Chinaman......?

Yeah, a bleedin' Chink, pigtails an' everythin',  going at terminal velocity he was, Christ, there goes another one, crashed through that roof like he was  a round from a fucking Howitzer.....

Mebbe he was bailing out, and he was too fucking stupid to pull his ripcord ....

Nah,  he never had no chute, fuck me, there goes another, and another one,  there's bleedin' 'undredsa the yellow bastards....thousands of's raining yellowbastards...

Well, fuck me rigid, mate, wilya just look at the Sidney Opera House, de-fuckin-molished it, they 'ave, musta been a thousanda the little yellow bastards, went crashin' through the roof........Fancy a tinny or two....?

The Amber nectar, too fucking true, maybe a bit if a barbie, too, before we all have to start learning Manda-fuckin-rin. Shit mate, ya better duck....whoops....too late... looks like you copped yourself a ChineseTakeaway good and fuckin' proper.


These fag cops happen to be  in Seattle but it's happening all over the world. Just google youtube police brutality in.......somewhere, anywhere. A lot of the clips contain footage of some hero in uniform who just can't resist the opportunity to smack or cosh a woman, even one running away; none of his mates restrains him, none of his seniors reprimand him, one of the perks of the job, fucking filth.

The BBC is obediently muted about all this but even skymadeupnewsandfilth  in the States are asking why it is that elderly people, the disabled and the pregnant are being peppersprayed just for quite legally standing on the sidewalk. Why it is that not only must we  give the bankers all our money but we may not even peacefully protest about it, without being blinded and battered by some fucked-up fairy. If you are a cop, married to a cop, know a cop, or, God forgive you, are the parent of a cop, well fuck you and fuck them, too.

I guess that those protecting and serving see the pepperspray as a double-edged sword,  they don't get their proper fun, smacking people in the face with guns  and so on, especially not with all these cameras around, but a few fifth columnists, letting off firecrackers should give then the all clear for opening-up BigTime.  Coming soon, to a place near you.


Dick the Prick said...

Hee hee - cheers fella. Fair dinkum possum, them there nips play a different sport. Apparently the Burmese were loving all that PoW torture stuff - guess rice gets boring. Ho diddly hum - when I was young, I dreamt of Mandalay etc etc.

call me ishmael said...

Still, mr dtp, Europe's the main thing, eh, a load of unelected career Nazis, thieves, ponces and slags doing what Ay-dolf couldn't, Good job mr shinyface promised us a referendum.

Verge said...

As you may have guessed I take for the most part a strictly detached, pseudo-scholarly interest in these matters but for what's worth I understand that rimming is considered terribly eighties in the corridors of filth these days: fresh piss enemas are all the rage, apparently (I imagine those red boxes come in very handy for carrying one's kit - some tubing some lube and a funnel) with follow-up Golden Felching an optional extra if it's a proper love job. Bless.

As for the GI's down-under - don't the Aussies have a bunch of concentration camps in the Outback for the wrong type of wogs or something? Maybe Obamathankyoumam wants to be able to run for re-election with his closing Guantanamo promise finally kept - plenty of room in the middle of Oz for a few hundred non-cricket-&-beer-loving orange jumpsuits.

Those loved-up snaps are quite something - Obscene-was-my-Valley looks like she's giving her ban-wa balls a no-hands turbo-charged oil-change and King Potus is clearly a connoisseur of the vulpine tang of yer sexually fulminating redhead. Hope they kept away from Queensland as the last thing the poor bastard locals need down there is more flooding.

call me ishmael said...

That's my boy.

If it was a couple of snaps, you might let it pass but Google Images is full of the damn things.

The Aussies don' fuck about when it comes to Ail-yens, brown ones, anyway, the Oz navy machine-gunning them in their sampans if they try to enter the Lucky Country, forgetful, of course, that they are, their sweet stupid selves, Ail-yens. Mr Mike excepted, of course, who is an Antipodean servant of Decency. Tie me kangaroo down, sport.

mongoose said...

Haven't the Yanks beaten you to this innovation, Mr Ishmael? I am sure I remember them bombing those pesky commie gooks with their own flung from helicopters.

Mike said...

Mr I: its true we have a robust view on immigration. You really have to want to come here. I would imagine most illegals perish at sea, or get eaten by sharks/crocs/snakes etc before they get given the orange jump suit.

Anyhow, that's why we have the best sportsmen/women. We like a challenge.

The other Aussie sport is taking the piss out of politicians. Fortunately, we don't have any real problems down here, so they don't get in the way too much. The ginger Welsh drone will be out on her fat ass soon - probably knifed by her own side first before the electorate get a go.

As for POTUS, fortunately he won't darken our shores again (forgive pun). But its true we are a bit Americanised - probably inevitable for a small country in our geographical position, having been shafted by the UK.

call me ishmael said...

Thanks, mr mike. WAS there any adverse comment down-under, about all that lip-glossed canoodling? Or is it a cultural imperative for prime ministerial Sheilas to bang like a shithouse door in a gale with any and all visiting dignitaries? Christ, Gordon Snot wasn't so accommodating when the Chink Secret Service were ordering him around Downiong Street at the time of the last Olympics.

Mike said...

Mr I: its was mostly fawning on the TeeVee, like some form of love-in. The popular press like it when someone says how much they like Australia - still some lingering form of national insecurity complex.

However, you can rest assured that 99.999999% of Aussies don't give a stuff. That's why Canberra was put out of harms way - halfway between Sydney and Mebourne on an old cow paddock.

call me ishmael said...

Ah, right; I didn't know that. A bit like putting MediaMinster in the Hebrides, among the wife-beating Presbyterian savages.

yardarm said...

Surely Mandelson, with his lust for loot has been recruited by Goldman Sachs, Al Qaeda in suits, by now ?

What`s the new election slogan in Europe now ? Vote for Goldman Sachs and cut out the middleman.

Except there aren`t any elections.