Tuesday, 8 September 2009


A multi-millionaire writes.

Of course I recognise that David Cameron was right to sack me. Absolutely right. The cunt.

As I go around the country meeting homeless oiks and telling them to vote for the Tories – or the Cameroons, as I like to call us - I hear the same message loud and clear – Fuck Off, Duncan, you smarmy fucking parasite. And pay the money back.

And it’s a message that David Cameron, I reiterate, was absolutely right to hear and absolutely right to sack and humiliate me in the interests of Public Relations, just as we agreed. David is absolutely right in whatever he does, which is not very much, considering, even if he is a stupid fucking bastard who wouldn’t stand a dog’s chance if there wasn’t an even stupider fucking bastard in charge of the Labour Party. Even though he's not and that responsibility falls to my co-religionist, Lord Crabs of Hart-le-poof.

No, no, the fact that I’m a bit of a John-Selwyn doesn’t come into it all, most of us in the house fish from the other bank, one way or another. What is at issue here is that David Cameron mustn’t be seen to be operating double standards. Even though, obviously, he is. It's not as though he HAS sacked me, now is it, not properly. I mean, between you and me, a millionaire like myself can hardly be accused of fiddling, now, can I, not when I have all this money; in fact, if I was interested in public service I could probably do it for nothing and let my salary and expenses pay for Oh, I dunno, half-a-dozen-nurses, but chance’d be a fine thing.

The main thing we must work towards is the avoidance of a house made up of ordinary people and not grasping, posturing, greedybastard egomaniacs and degenerates, like we who serve you now. Fuck me, no. Ordinary people, out of the question.

I thank our Leader from the bottom of my heart for pretending to sack me with a promise that I will be back just as soon as we are elected. In the meantime, I’m looking forward to my new job at the prisons, which, I hear you saying, if there was any justice, I’d be in.



woman on a raft said...

What is it with rich people - they all seem to go that walnut tan colour which can easily be achieved by overdoing it at the tanning booths.

It really isn't necessary to spend a fortune to look grilled, but they always do.

PT Barnum said...

That distinctive hue of the rich is reminiscent of fine antique furniture with its requisite patina, a symbolic distinction from the weathered reddish hue of the labouring classes.

Was it Coco Chanel who "invented" the suntan? Where before porcelain pastiness was the marker of wealth and leisure, walnut became the prefered colour of those who could holiday in Mediterranean sun and could devote the time to doing nothing.

woman on a raft said...

Well, to me he still looks like a smug toffee apple with 100s and 1000s on the top.