MORE FROM POLLY TOYNBEE'S LAST CHANCE SALON

IT REALLY IS LABOUR'S LAST CHANCE.
I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

DAME POLLY MASCARA OF THE DAILY ARSEBRIDGER

Labour must abolish everything; it is the only way - money, property, law, the army, it is the only way to get people to vote for them and not for Dave Thing; abolish everything, they have eight months to do it. This is their last chance. I know they have been a capitalist party since Tony and Imelda but all along they have really been another sort of party. Not capitalist but not socialist either. A sort of a third-way party. Redistributive. Now is the time for a fourth way. Of the centre but of the left, too. And the right. And the bottom. But not the top, obviously. A party of tax and spend and borrow and spend some more. And cut, but wisely, according to the trusted values of middle class people managing the poor on behalf of the rich, and then re-investing in management consultants and special advisers and think tanks and focus groups, of which, frankly, how could we have too many? But mainly a party which redistributes wealth from the poor to the bankers. This is what the Labour movement should be all about, proper equality; the rich, having more, need more equality. And the poor, being stupid, need to be lectured-to by the likes of, well, me. Just imagine, fuck me, Jesus, if there weren't any poor people for me to write about, what sort of world would that be?

As I sit in my salon, worried, may I say, shitless about those poor people which one hears so much about I often remark to my cleaners that I could just ditch all this writing malarkey and spend more time in Majorca. But, I ask myself, if they pay me a hundred grand a year, why the fuck shouldn't I carry on? Me and Jill Tweedie, bless her, broke the mould, we did. And Julie Burchill, the little fat dyke who rants; sisters under the skin. Only not that fucking butch monster, Greer, old bat out of Hell and no mistake.

PROFESSOR GREER, COMPLAINING

All property is theft with the exception of a few villas and charitable trusts owned by myself and only of sentimental value. And Gordon Brown should have the courage to come out and say so, both at the same time. If everybody, or nearly everybody had the same then think how nice that would be for the poor people, which would be nearly everyone only not myself or else what would be the point of my private education and coming from one of the better families. Read more of my programme for Labour - How Not Working With Labour Is Better Than Not Working With The Tories - all this week in the Arsebridger. But I mean it, this really is their last chance.

I'LL STILL RESPECT YOU IN THE MORNING.

MS TOYNBEE & PARTNER RELAX IN THEIR MAJORCAN IDYL,
PAID FOR BY THE TAX-DODGING SHELL COMPANY OF THE SCOTT TRUST.
AND THE READERS OF THE GUARDIAN.
POOR PEOPLE WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT.