Tuesday, 20 October 2009

MATINS WITH THE DEAD

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MEANTIME, LIFE OUTSIDE GOES ON ALL AROUND YOU. WHAT THE PAPERS SAY. THE DAILY FILTH-O-GRAPH

The bare-faced greed of mayors beggars belief.

Mayoral pockets are bulging with bribes from the Telegraph, says Boris Johnson. Has the mayor no shame?

by Boris Johnson

Align CentrePublished: 6:18AM BST 19 Oct 2009

Boris Johnson who miraculously became Mayor of London a while back, finds time in his busy schedule of running a city of twelve million pounds, sorry, citizens to write Wodehouseian guff and drivel, stout fellow, for the Telegraph; guff and drivel like this which you are, ahem, reading at the moment, only not if you are Liverpudlian, obviously.

It beggars belief that a man with a full-time job as a gossip columnist and TV celebrity buffoon should be moonlighting in a job which any old bloke off the street couldn’t help but do better and I really shouldn’t do it. If it was the job at the Telegraph, or the job at City Hall, well, I know which side my smoked salmon canape is buttered. If I want to be PM and by Golly, I do, but not in a racist sense, of course, by Golly, I mean, not being prime minister. Start again, if I want to be prime minister and, fuck me, gently, I do, then I need to keep writing Good Egg, Boris drivel, for the weirdoes at the Telegraph but I also need to keep using the people of London as an experiment of my New Toryism, by Jingo. So, a chap should always have his cake buttered on both sides, and eat it. That’s that sorted-out, Good-Oh.

HIZZONNER DISPLAYS THE ADVANTAGES OF GOOD BREEDING AND A CLASSICAL EDUCATION

Monday, 19 October 2009

DOWN WITH JAN MOIR

FROM SUNDAY'S FILTH-O-MAIL

"Moir has previously employed innuendo when commenting on homosexual public figures. In an article in August about Peter Mandelson, the business secretary, she wrote that "with his blue suede shoes, his peach mansion and his green tea devotionals, he is like a rock star camping it up on a farewell tour", and said he has spent years "clawing his way up the soil pipe of politics".

Gosh, innuendo,, and worthy of Mrs Woman On A Raft. God bless her.

COUNTRY EVENSONG

Friday, 16 October 2009

FAG FASCISM

HETEROPHOBES ON THE MARCH, AGAIN.

BUY THIS TEA, I DON'T.

Steven Fry of Tesco and Direct Line and Twinings Tea is an obnoxious bully who enchants his limited, grubby audience with tales of sodomy, paedophilia and gay blowjobs; just, next time he's on, count the seconds until he, chucklingly, alludes to one or other or all of them.

Fry is famous, also, for being such a poor proper actor that at his first stage gig he ran away, crying, like the lardy Momma's Boy he remains, to the Low Countries. Fry is also famously a sycophant of Charlie Windsor, the celebrated, good for fuck all playboy and Fry's usual TV retinue consists of not very funny comedians such as Sean Locke and the curiously popular choirboy-like, Mr Alan Davies, a producers' favourite little minx, fawning over him, as though he were Royalty, which in a sense he is, the degenerate old queen. The repellent Fat Phil Jupitus and the guy who used to be John Sessions also add a little but not very much to Fry's tedious, know-it-all TV personna. If Fry is a national treasure we really are fucked; such, though, is how the ghastly old Widow Twanky casts himself, teams of researchers trawling through bits of arcane trivia to boost Fry's self-image as polymath extraordinaire and, pathetically, as the Oscar Wilde of our times, or, tellingly, as the shallow, trivial confection which Fry imagines Wilde to be - aren't we sick of TV fags, re-inventing Wilde as some 1890s Lily Savage ?

So vanishingly small are Steve's acting talents that the fat old cunt also self-produces dismal telly dramas starring himself as someone indistinguishable from himself, no need for acting, y'see; Oh, go on Steven, they love to watch you, being witty, even just reading the 'paper, go on, do make another series, as long as you're in it, it can be a load of old shite. And it is.

The BBC was always a license for tyrannical Oxbridgians like the revolting John Cleese and David Frost to print money. Every fucking year they tell us that Monty Python is just the funniest thing ever. And every year, side-splittingly, we agree, differing, obediently, like connoisseurs, only as to whether Dead Parrot or Funny Walks marks the unassailable heights of comedic endeavour, and the royalties keep rolling in the right direction. Every year Oxbridge throws up more tossers like Marcus Bogstick and Sue Dyke-Perkins, like Fry, entitled to a stipend however dull and slow their invention, however feeble their comedic industry, generally little more than a dirty word and a raised eyebrow.

So battered are we by the Establishment Heterophobes that even as we wrinkle our noses in disgust at the old queen, Fry, and his visions of juvenile male fellatio, we hate ourselves for daring to criticise a loathsome, talentless, narcissistic, fat old poof like Elton John
Mr & Mrs Sir Elton John-Dwight, cunts.

and now, when some simpering, whining member of a frighteningly awful so- (and revealingly) called boy-band, some assembly of anxious rentboy wannabees, collated by a gushing, spiteful fag impresario, now, when one of these fallen angel freaks croaks, luxuriating in some holiday shithole, the nation is supposed to be respectfully grief stricken, dragooned by drug addled celebrity tossers into the suspension of all judgement.

"Hail, hail Rock'n'Roll, Kill all the boy bands" would be my cry; stomp their airbrushed, girly faces in the dirt, let them blow their gelled heads off with amyl nitrate, blast their empty, feeble brains with skunkweed, rot their shitty livers with hundred per cent proof cocktails, fill their veins with the best heroin their pimping managers can buy for them, on commission; let them perish in a lengthy daisy chain of unnatural practices and throw them all in a glorious pit of dead celebrities and burn their poxed-up arses and let us all dance around, singing Karma-Karma=Karma-Karma-Karma-Chameleon, You-Come-And-Go-And-Now-You've-Gone. Hallelujah, one of the warbling, whiny, pouty little cocksuckers is dead, roll on the other hundred, or is it a thousand of these wretches which the nations' mums idolise?. And fuck Steven Fry and Darren Brown, whoever the fuck he is. Or she.

There is a fearful, tragic, Sudden Adult Death Syndrome which affects, especially, Irishmen of Steven Gately's age, a sudden, unpredictable heart failure bereaves others less gobby than Gately's fans and co-workers at the coalface of light entertainment and it may have been this complaint which has seen off the wee treasure, Gately and not, as Ms Jan Moir conjectures, the customary cocktail of drugs, self-indulgent stupidity and avoidable mishap of the airhead celebrity of monstroua ego - Hendrix, Joplin, Jones et al - and maybe Gately just did drop dead whilst his partner was in the other room with another young man, maybe in his evening's drinking he had only consumed Ribena, humming, to himself, the 23rd Psalm; maybe God so loved the wee angel that he just, you know, called him Home. But even if that - entirely natural causes - is the case, Elton John and his ghastly boy, Mrs David and Steven Fry and the rest, themselves talentless creations of the Celebrity sausage machine, cannot demand Ms Moir's silence, much less her agreement to the PR statements of Boyzone Inc - isn't it that wretched little turd, Louis-something, whose investment is being protected here ? - cannot insist upon a national airbrushing of a dead celebrity tosser. Sorry, great, great man.

Moir is perfectly entitled to differ from others, perfectly at liberty, indeed, it is her job to question the orthodoxy, she said nothing which Fleet Street doesn't say several times daily and the bullyboys of FagsRUS need a good straight punch in the mouth for trying to strangle her, merely, one suspects, for not being an unquestioning faghag.

Strident queers have long begged to be treated just the same as others, strange, isn't it, how when they are, as in this case - a dead celebrity getting the tabloid treatment - they cry Hatecrime, when, without their hysteria, this, Jan Moir, entertaining HER audienc, would just be showbiz gossip, my dear. Fry is a nasty nazi. If you see him, kick him hello from me. Hard.

"....a nobody, working on a programme that nobody watches...".

'ALLO 'ALLO

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY, THE FILTH-O-MAIL

Girl, 2, investigated by police for 'vandalism' after being accused of hitting car with stick.

A two-year-old girl accused of hitting a car with a stick was investigated by police on suspicion of vandalism.

Attempts by armed police to arrest a two-year old criminal failed yesterday when it was pointed out to investigating officers that she was below the age of criminal responsibility and therefore could not legally be shot in a split-second, protecting the public decision.

I am gutted, to'ally and u''erly, devastated, too, hopefully,said police marksman, Trevor Thick, if I'd a tragically shot the little terrorist bastard, protecting law-abiding citizens, only not from me an my mates, I coulda looked forward, hopefully, to a few months of counselling, the sympathy of Michael Winner, the Queen's Gallantry Medal and hopefully some swift promotion to ACC in the Met, hopefully.

The vehicle’s owner called the police claiming the child had deliberately damaged his car. Hitting it, she was, with a stick, said Mr Reginald Herpes, and it's no laughing matter; what we need is the BNP round here, that'd sort things out.

It has emerged that the toddler’s name and details are being held on file with Wiltshire Constabulary following the incident, in the hope that she can be framed for something in the future. Proactive action, that's the name of the game, Station Commander, Chief Superintendent Colin Slag said, it is very hard for my officers to do their job with one hand behind their backs and the other down each others trousers, whiling away the long night patrols as best they can.

Madness: A two-year-old girl was investigated by police on suspicion of vandalism after hitting a car with a stick (file picture)

Mockery of the law: A two-year-old girl (not this child pictured) was investigated by police on suspicion of vandalism after hitting a car with a stick. (Posed by model)

Officers say they were obliged to respond to the call-out, even though the toddler, who could barely walk, was too young to be arrested or even formally questioned about her actions., much less taken down the station and thrown down the stairs.

But innocence is no excuse, continued Chief Super Slag and we shall be watching the situation carefully. She has slipped up once and next time my officers will be ready to pounce.

Details of the child’s brush with the law last June emerged in a request to Wiltshire Police under the Freedom of Information Act.

Chief Constable and Worshipful Grand Master Ian Arundale, head of civilian-shooting at the Association of Gay Police Officers, AGPO, said, this is a serious problem and AGPO will be pressing incoming gay Tory ministers for the right to shoot children on sight. If we can't have them, after all, why should straight people?

Speaking for the blogosphere, Mr Guido Pizza said, Children, yes, run them over with tanks, only not mine of course, 'sthe only way to make the streets safe for drunken wankers, I mean bankers, the only people who matter, after myself. D'ya wanna see my share portfolio?

THE DEAR OLD BATTLEFIELD

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BIG GIRL?


Safe from harm, guarded by circling jets, by rings of steel, chaperoned by grim-faced, psyched-up protection squads, fawned-upon, pampered, dishonest as the day is long, these two chancers swing handbags at each other as each milks the dead for all they are worth, both inextricably committed to this bestial police action in Afghanistan; the slaughter of wedding parties and in school playgrounds; the young men casketed home, the companies of amputees, stumping and swinging their way through Selly Oak hospital, beyond, to crippled lives, truncated that Karzi the Pimp might enrich more of his chums, do down more of his enemies and that Gordon and Dave might tramp over their severed limbs, their blinded eyes and melted young faces to electoral glory. It is the right thing for the country, he sermonises, this desperate bloody nonsense.

The Red Army, not noted for its kid-glove approach, couldn't hack it but Gordon and Dave, two cowardly wankers, know how to do it. Supporting the government of Mr Karzi, that's what Tommy's dying for, at least until Obama has second thoughts, and then it'll be some other bollocks.

This guy is Peter Galbraith
former UN Deputy Envoy to Kabul,

former UN negotiator to the Balkan killing grounds and a man steeped in that diplomacy shit that we never hear about. A serious man of great confidence and intelligence and dignity. A man you would believe.

Galbraith broke the customary silences on the BBC's HardTalk, see it if you can. Indifferent, I guess, to the miscreance of Westminster, Galbraith, then on the ground, inspecting, insisted that the Afghan election was massively rigged in Karzi's favour, fifteen hundred imaginary, non-existent voting stations had been invented, to be stuffed with votes for Karzi; these rigged-in-advance ballot boxes were supposed to be in places where for reasons of topography and mainly because they were entirely within Taliban-controlled territory, they simply could not be. These were phantom polling stations. Elsewhere forests of ballots were bought and sold and tribal elders intimidated the voters, Karziwards. This Forty Thieves Farce is what Gordon Brown extols as the Afghan people voting for the first time. This comic opera with Kalshnikovs is why, around South-West Birmingham, lots of Tommies are walking funny, or eating funny, or bumping into things.

Gordon Snot, the horrible fucking bastard says we are there to support the Afghan government, yet we are not. NATO supported also by a UN mandate is there to fight the Taliban and support the creation of democratic structures - not, specifically not to support the bandit Karzi. This is not mission creep, as they call it, this is bare-faced lying from a man completely devoid of personal or political honour, a man so shocked and horrified by the monumental extent of his personal fuck-ups that he dare not look Truth in the face, lest he tumble into an emotional abyss of failure from which he will not escape; instead, in the most grievous, potent and serious of his responsibilities - the sending to war of our fellow-citizens, he lies and lies and lies and lies; that he does so whilst hollowly reciting the latest entries in his butcher's bill and that he is effectively unchallenged in this bleak skullduggery makes knaves of all in parliament.
But then we knew that anyway.

They are all so steeped in worthless cliche and the cheesy soundbites of self-interest that they, too, are permanently, irreparably estranged from the truth; more merit in a SpeakYourWeight Machine than in a member of parliament; liars, cheats, thieves, bullies, pimps, ponces, slags, whores and degenerates, they start their daily ruinous endeavours, I understand, with prayers. Fuck me, Jesus, they have no shame.

So, here in New Presbyteria, both main parties, one of them claiming to be Christian Socialist, vie with one another for who can most severely punish the poor for the sins of the bankers. And why not, people are just queuing-up to get fucked. Oh, we know cuts have to be made, we bleat, otherwise.......well, just otherwise........innit.

I'm a fighter, not a quitter. But not real fighting.
Fuck that.

And abroad, Gordon's Army stumbles about, misdirected, ill-equipped, marching to his madness, its mission changing with his every fresh paranoid imagining, every perceived electoral advantage, every nuance calculated by the vile Mandelstein, beloved anew of MediaMinster, master of all and doubtless, too, in his own mind, a pink Clausewitz, a gay cabal of blackmailers and unelected, incompetent charlatans, playing ducks and drakes, playing soldiers.

And when they were up, they were up
And when they were down they were down
And when they were only half-way up,
They were neither up nor down.
.


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AND QUITE PROPERLY SO



DISGRACED LABOUR MINISTER
IN ANNUAL POPPY RACE.

Tony McNutter, former obedience minister, thug, slag, ponce, resigned in disgrace over sixty grand expenses fiddle, takes an early lead.

Remembrance Sunday is almost a month away. These people are worthless. Up against the wall, motherfuckers

UPDATE.

from the Telegrap

The first poppy

Telegraph View: We praise Tony McNulty for wearing a poppy before the week running up to Remembrance Sunday.

Almost 100 years ago, Frederick Delius composed a tone poem, On Hearing the First Cuckoo in Spring. It would take a quirkier musician to be inspired by the first poppy of autumn. In this case, the Tone involved is Tony McNulty, once a minister, yesterday a participant on the BBC's Daily Politics. In the ex‑ministerial lapel nestled a poppy, bloom and leaf.

Not long ago, poppies in memory of the fallen were worn in the week running up to Remembrance Sunday, this year November 8, and retained until Armistice Day. Last year, the first television poppy-sighting was on October 21. Mr McNulty has beaten it by almost a week. If some may mock him for pre-popping his poppy, we praise him for a greater good: contributing to the Royal British Legion and showing that he understands the sacrifices the poppy signifies.

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Thursday, 15 October 2009

BREAKFAST AT THE HELLMOUTH


AND SHE SCWEAMED AND SCWEAMED AND SCWEAMED.
Violet Elisabeth Bott, Mrs Austin Mitchell, MP,
aka Linda McDougal, media harpy.

On today's Today programme, Miss Violet Elisabeth Bott was angry. People were being jolly unkind about her husband, journalist, photographer, writer and part-time MP, Mr Austin Geordie.
Austin at one of his day jobs.

Anyone who knew Austin Geordie, shrieked his wife, at great length, would know he was a pretty, straight guy, who would never do anything wrong. Just ask me, and I'll tell you. Like all MPs he was a decent man in a crumpled suit wanting only to get drunk in green leather luxury at the taxpayers' expense and keep up his many other jobs and what was wrong with that, did we want a load of stick-in-the-mud former TV producer Geordies representing us in the house of commons, or did we want perennially mired in expenses scandals useless bastards whose sole claim to fame was changing their name to Haddock former Geordie TV producer Austin representing us. Well, did we, she scweamed and scweamed and scweamed?

Linda McDougal continued in this vein for several thousand years this morning, obviously at home with the Terror Broadcasters of Today, the scourge, normally, it is claimed, of gobby politicos.

And another thing, she scweamed, do you want MPs living in one-bed hostels or flats with some snooper from the house of commons checking they are sleeping alone, or what? That would be, Linda, baby, rather like NewLabour treats others claiming state benefits, so that would never do.

We must, despite the evidence of our senses, accept this ghastly banshee's assurances that most MPs are jolly decent people just interested in serving their constituents. McDougal and Geordie have insisted that blinds they purchased at my expense to tart up their London pad simply had to be gold plated with camel hair fittings or they would not impress their chums from mediaworld when they staggered-in for taxpayer cocktails. Would we want MPs -like Austin - being a laughing stock? Well, would we?



From the Telegraph. Brogan's Log, Stardate two zero zero nine

Other receipts included bottles of wine, flowers at £3.99, 16p on “lemons” and another 16p on aspirin. The MP’s wife, Linda McDougall, a television producer, suggested that it was she who had submitted the food receipts on her husband’s behalf.

“I read the rules and started claiming the money and I’ve made mistakes,” she said.

“Anyone who knows Austin Mitchell will know he is not a man who has ever gone into politics to make money.” (This is why he is always in expenses trouble, ed.) She was a “person of modest means” who had an overdraft. “How can I live in London 210 miles from the constituency if someone doesn’t provide us with somewhere to live? Like royalty.”

Mr Mitchell wrote on his website that he understood public anger over MPs’ expenses but politicians had to be able to do their job of fleecing the public.

“We need to pay them enough to ensure that not only the wealthy can afford to do the job and whatever the basic rate of pay they’ll still need allowances. Otherwise they'll be paying out of their own pockets, for things like drugs and booze and sex and food and transport and yes, gardening.”

He said it was no use putting MPs “in a student hostel or a prison hulk moored off Westminster”.

“Most MPs have wives and families and we hope to see both from time to time,” he said. Although we can hear them from a hundred miles away.

THE EX-PATRIOT GAME. HANGING-ON, IN QUIET DESPERATION, IS THE ENGLISH WAY

Although resident and trading in the English capital, media colossus, Mr Paul Staines, bestriding MSM TV studios, captioned, "the artist formerly known as Guido Fawkes", claims, like many, Irish citizenship. Every Uncle Sam president, probably even the current Messiah, O'bama, claims it, too;



even your correspondent claims it, although he was actually born there.

In most cases, a grandparent's notional bog-trotterness entitles one to a passport, citizen-membership of the twenty-six counties of cowardice, gangsterhood and melancholy, spud-gulping, Guinness-swigging, wife-beating, repressed homosexuality; fondle me, Father, for I have sinned, red-faced, broth-of-a-boy simpletonism. And let's not forget Mr O'Bono and his Art; nor the Celtic triangle of economic power, beloved by Lord Salmond of Scotland and the peerless political historian, Mr O'Staines, himself. And we mustn't mention, beJasus, the recent sorry economic collapse and the wee business of the Treaty, lest we make both of these seers look like stupid, mouthy cunts, so we mustn't. And sure won't it all be England's fault anyway?

But we digress, down the paths of wine-sodden, institutionalised foolishness. (Is drunken driving less of a crime when it's expensive wine involved; shouldn't it be?) We are here to talk of patriotism - and Paddy doesn't own that, not that you'd know - and the temper, specifically, of ex-patriotism.

Open any political blog and you can find I-left-that-shithole-twenty-years-ago-and-now-I-live-like-an-air-conditioned-
-Pharoah-with-nigger-slaves-and-I-wouldn-t-ever-come-back-and-you-are-all-stupider-than-me-because-for-ten-pence-a-week-I-get-the-best-surgeon-in-the-world-to-operate-on-my-ingrown-toenails-and-a -five-star-chef-cooking-my-bangers-n-mash-ha-ha-ha-you're-all-wankers. And-I-can-drive-home-pissed-and-it-doesn't-matter.

Don't take my word for it, just have a look. Costa del Telegraph is a good one, so many, sniping, like some Vichy colony, at the true UK resistance, those of us still here, paying taxes, hanging-on, in quiet desperation.


It was England, not faux-Paddy Staines's Ireland of gangsters which saved the World, the World, mind, from 'thirties fascism, that he might live here, preaching his own, greedy, money-grubbing, murderous racist infanticide. It was the Republic of Eire, neutral in the Hitler War, not the despised English; still, no matter, proper history only started when Staines started blogging, innit.

It is not Irish but English which is spoken and read and studied the world over and the Blair-Brown-Cameron wideboys cannot bootleg that. But their stooges abroad make easy their other felonies, by whining some self-exiled, delusional superiority at us. I have air-conditioning, crows triumphantly expatriate mr nomad, here, the other night - and some, mr nomad, have a country house which you would pay to walk around, if they let you, which they wouldn't, so there, game, set and fucking match, by your miserable, moronic standards.

Mr Swiss Bob rightly points out that some are abroad by accident and happenstance, yet are, at heart English/British and of course people are scattered by romance by longing by the four the winds to all corners, that is not a matter of concern or irritation and should not impede their comment. What is intolerable, however, is to claim that the deserter's stance is more moral than the combatant's. I-saw-this-all-coming-and-was-clever-enough-to get-out etc etc. These people should fuck off properly, they are as much use as a chocolate kettle; let them sit and get sunny skin cancer, perished kidneys from cheap booze, let them not trouble their vast imtellects with UK matters but let them, instead, Hosannah the One True Expatriot, Tony Blair, stateless itinerant, heavily fortified and unloved, he is their man. Let the Dago care for them in senility, let them, as clever and far-sighted as they are, surrender their passports and citizenship, for isn't that what they urge us to do?

The streets of cyberspace are filled with rubble, refugees and wannabees, scrambling all around, tuneless chanteurs and players, exposing their atonal worthlessness; rhymeless poets, illiterate scribes, frauds and hucksters beyond imagining; freaks and monsters extolling pain and bondage and humiliation as though they were the Love of God, as, indeed, they may be, cruel and harsh as He is.

But there is a special conduit which brings the guilty expatriot to the surface and it is political blogging. Let him stew in his own air-conditioned filth, if he feels guilty that's his look-out, I feel guilty and I only moved within the UK, that's mine. Let him start an oily blog, like Tuscan Tony does but let him not sabotage our meagre efforts with his own cowardice, let him. instead, keep on running.


Mr Mother's Ruin, on mr nomad, from the comments

.......having created his own heaven and pulled the ladder up behind him,he had realised that he still needed humanity,even if only to give himself a hell to piss down on.

15 October 2009 00:23.

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Wednesday, 14 October 2009

HERE COMES YOUR NINETEENTH NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

Nomad said...

Tut tut - can't take a bit of criticism? That illustrates perfectly where you are coming from you 2 faced hypocrite. I have just removed this blog from my reading list and you can rot in your own strawberry patch.

I removed mr nomad, not for his criticism and disagreement, which we welcome, but for his infantile abuse amd his imitation-of-an-arsehole stupidity, which we don't.

That he has removed me from his reading list and gone back to Iggle Piggle is almost more than I can bear.

It was that former tory MP, Gerry something, wh0 used to similarly throw his rattle from Guido's pram, what was his name, it was a rentboy thing, brought him down, Hayes, that was it, Gerry Hayes, he used to say This is pathetic, this is below me, I am NEVER coming back here, This shit is off my reading list, only to emerge at the next mention of his name, angrier than ever.

I look forward to the swift return of mr nomad and all his noms de guerre.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

A NEW FEATURE.

skymadeupnewsandfilth is proud to announce a new feature

THE DAILY DUNCAN

Each and every day, smug Alan will announce how many UK Troops have died in order to preserve our British way of life - ie that he, a millionaire MP, can get free gardening.

It's a small price to pay, says cheeky chappy, Alan, death or maiming, but they are happy to pay it in order that people of my calibre are attracted into the House.

255 DEAD & Countless Maimed
But that's just so far.
LOOK IN EVERY DAY TO SEE HOW MANY MORE TROOPS HAVE DIED FOR ALAN'S WAY OF LIFE. IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE ARMY, THAT'S WHY HE'S NOT IN IT.

OH YES, ADDS ALAN GLEEFULLY, THE BBC HAS ME ON THIS SHIT SHOW WITH MY FELLOW TORY, IAN DWARF, IT'S ONLY A GRAND BUT EVERY LITTLE HELPS AND ITS WHY WE SHOULD SHOW SINGLE MOTHER TELLY LICENSE DODGERS NO MERCY. SLAGS.

WHAT A SPLENDID LIFE I HAVE.
VOTE TORY.

(best wishes to Alan and James for their wedding, Guido Fawkes, 2008)

Monday, 12 October 2009

ANOTHER PRETTY, STRAIGHT GUY


Now, Look. I've paid back some and I'll pay back more if I need to, I can afford it. I could have afforded not to take it in the first place. But we don't talk about that.

But I would never do anything wrong; ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you, I'm a pretty, straight guy.

WING COMMANDER SPIV IN A TAILSPIN


Former Thatcher Secretary of Spiv, Wing Commander Tebbit, Distinguished Telecom Bonus and Bar is at it again.

Every year on the anniversary of the Brighton bombing, the Bicycling Ace gets on his and rants about too many civil liberties being the road to ruin, flog them and then hang them being his refrain, all of them, just as long as they may have done something wrong. 'swhat Churchill woulda done.

Tebbit set the pace for what is now commonplace among the right honourables; the gabshite Milburn was only out the door of the Health Department when he was advising, at fifty grand a year, PharmaCorp. Horrible Hatty Hewitt, similarly, had hardly left the NHS building before taking up a gig with Boots. Boots the Chemists. Younger readers may not remember Tynesider Jack Tie and Handkerchief Cunningham, an overdressed Blair toad and curiously, given his evident effeminacy, cast by skymadeupnewsandfilth as Tone's Enforcer in the Hoose a Commons like, bonnie lad, departing the front bench to immediately get radioactively close to the Nuclear Industry; all these thieving bastards and many more have Tebbo to thank for the speed with which they can now flog the contacts they made in public service. Used to be a time when there was a little discretion about these things , a year or two might pass before ministers publicly accepted the bribes promised them in office; Tebbit, having privatised the GPO was, after government, on the board of Telecom like shit off a shovel and has remained Spivhood's flag-bearer ever since.

In a governemnt of spivs - the Laughable Heseltine and His Hair; Cecil Pinstripe Parkinson, famous for his MI5-persecution of his mistress and their so-called lovechild; the trophy-wifing Lawson; the warthog Brittan and the Thatcherkind themselves, Mark the Coupster and Carol Gob - Tebbit, even among this miserable crew of shit-eaters, was a grubby chancer, bitter and bilious. Hard, then, to have any sympathy with the prat when Marty McGuiness and Co upset his night's sleep in Brighton but one did, nevertheless, just as long as he was there, quiet and frightened on his stretcher, one felt for him and his poor wife - even though a harsher viewing of the bombing would see it as a target at least a little more legitimate than schoolchildren and restuarant diners, better Tebbit than Brummies out in The Tavern In The Town, the British government at least seemed a more proper, bolder target but ashen, distraught faces, even of politicians, swept that all aside and one felt compassion for the victims, as one did for the hunger strikers, dying for Adams and McGuiness.

Tebbit's wife was paralysed in the attack, he badly hurt and one can undertand his rage at the IRA and at the mixture of blackmail, cowardice, hypocrisy and opportunism which is the Blair Peace Proh-cess. We don't, though, have victim's justice in this country; we are Judaeo-Christian in our jurisprudence, not Sharia, as Tebbit would have us be. Torture he claims, in today's Telegraph, is fine. No ifs or buts. If we don't torture people they will keep on taking the piss. To fight terrorism we must use terrorism, as Churchill did, and Roosevelt, says Wing Commander Spiv, the rotten old bastard. Best that we keep the torture at arm's length, though, for appearances sake, he says, like a good fascist.

".....I find it more difficult to follow the thinking of those who swallow all the love-ins and compromises with unrepentant and unpunished killers, and acclaim them as part of a brave, new inclusive wave of politics, but are unwilling to use intelligence from tainted sources to prevent carnage on our streets. Why is it right to make deals with murderers and torturers to stop the violence in Northern Ireland, but wrong to use intelligence from agencies less scrupulous than ours to stop foreign-inspired violence on the mainland? How else to explain the willingness of our political classes to expose serving agents of MI5 and MI6 to the possibility of police prosecution on torture charges levelled by those who seek to destroy us?"

The pass being sold, Tebbit complains, why should we even try to play fair? Playing fair and Blatcherism are antithetical, money-grubbing and taking advantage, as personified by the loathsome Tebbit but by all politicians post Thatcher, the Hyacinth Bucket of Westminster, are at the root of our troubles, current and recent; why not add to them with a bit of nail-pulling, waterboarding, bastinado?

Tebbit was an early Murdoch stooge, claiming, in the Page Three debate that it was a jolly good thing to see teenagers' tits in the newspaper over breakfast, good clean fun. Aye, right, Norm, get yer cock out fer the girls, willya?

This greedy old bastard should be ashamed of himself for his former licensing of greed and stupidity and at his time of life he should be contemplating Justice, not Vengeance, he should be preaching to his readers that Torture, once given a foothold, makes large, swift strides, instead, as ever with spivs, it's a few quid in the old skyrocket off the bloke at the Telegraph. Tebbit, he was always a cunt.

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

SPOT THE HETEROSEXUAL
clue, it might be the one in the middle

World-famous conflict-resolution harpie, President Hillary trousers, a woman who could start a row in an empty room, brings her expertise in photo-opportunism to Northern Ireland, a province for so long kept in thrall to banditry, arson and mayhem by the generous provision of funds from the United States.

Milliband or some such must have sanctioned her dropping-in for a meaningful dialogue in McGuinessville in order to show the folks back home that they might think her an embittered, mendacious, money-grubbing, rancid old shrew but people of the stature of Marty Kneecaps and that fucking sour-faced Presbyterian Undertaker, Robinson, have the Hots for Hills. Fuck me, Jesus.

One thing for Obama to give this monster the consolation prize of the State Department to shut her the fuck-up, quite another for her to dance the Tennessee Waltz over the bones of Marty's victims. Tombstone City, Ulster, just another media stepping-stone for publicity-hungry Yankee war criminals. The Ulster dead should arise and piss on this shower of shameless, gladhanding nobodies..

This is the New World Order, the vermin trading photo-ops with one another, Europe, Washington, Ulster, Turd-Polishing Internationale.

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HELLO, MY NAME IS MAD.

Saturday, 10 October 2009

MPs ALLOWED TO PAY BACK STOLEN MONIES.


"YES, THAT PEOPLE CONTINUE TO DIE SO'S I CAN HAVE FREE GARDENING IS A WONDERFUL SYSTEM, YOU MUST ADMIT."


It's the only way, said Mr Gordons Snot, premier of England, for me to get re-elected, sorry, elected and it is the right thing for the country. If dishonourable and right dishonourable members have done wrong, the public demands no less than that they be let off. It is one of the fundamentals of British jurisprudence, and the envy of the world which I have just saved, that those who go thieving from positions of trust are allowed to pay back the money they stole and no questions asked. If they want to. But not, obviously, if they don't want to.

Sir Alan Cock is a very well respected under the carpet sweeper and if he says that paying back the stolen money is good enough for him, then it's good enough for me. It is high time that we cleaned up parliament, even though it is the best in the world and made all the greater by me being in it and my wife, Sarah-George, calling me his hero, so there it is, from the horse's mouth, I am noisy but a hero.

Y'know, as the Party Rallies come to an end and I get back to the business of desperately making-up sol-you-shuns to problems which, even though I was in charge of them, are nothing to do with me, it is time to draw a line in the sand, learn lessons and move forward. We will get nowhere by looking backwards and as President Obama says to me in our many conversations, Forwards. man, that's where it's at, never mind all this war criminal shit, can't go prosecuting the former president now, and the dee=fense seckatry, Fuck me, Gordon, No, we can't.

So there it is, it's what we students of these matters call the Separation of Powers and it means that those who make the laws can't break the laws. And those who the laws are made against - you - can.
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BEARDED LOON DOESN'T SPARK CONTROVERSY

ARCHBISHOP BEARD OF CANTERBURY AND MIDDLE EARTH

Dr Williams barely put his head above the parapet yesterday at a service of solemn sweeping under the carpets. This war was nobody's fault, said the Hurdy Gurdy Man, we are all sinners and Tony and Imelda are no more sinners than the rest of us

"...the Lord's my shepherd, I shall not want, for houses or money or bling...."

even though they are but I dare not say so. Best leave all that shit to the historians and the military experts and certainly not to the people, what the fuck do they know, all those people saying this shit is wrong or that shit is wrong should remember that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, apart from in my case when it's the committee advising the prime minister and GodEmperor on my appointment. Let's just have a round of applause for all those magnificent professional men and women of the armed forces doing a magnificent and professional job of work out there, unlike me, here, squabbling with the gaylibbers, the dyke vicars and the Hottentot fundamentalists, out there in bongo-bongoland.

No, verily I say unto you that in my Father's house there are many mansions and if you want to retire to one you better not rock the boat. Remember the parable of the favourite son who sold out his country, his country's troops and his country's reputation in order that they might have even their arses shot-off and he might reap huge rewards, or verily, as we might say, bribes stuffed in his pocket and lo, was punished by being made Emperor of Europe in an one-horse race and did henceforth reign, smirking, over us ? remember that cunt?

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Earlier, the British ambassador to Iraq, Christopher Prentice, said millions of Iraqis now had "their destiny in their own hands again" and could look forward to "realising the potential of their country". Those of them who still have hands, that is.


Or legs.

Archbishop Rowan said that we should now all say a prayer for the Generals, many of whom were in the congregation and most of whom were, like the Church of England, members of the Conservative Party. May God watch over their comings-in and their goings-out of the House of Lords.


General Lord Sir Richard "Dick" Dannant of Conservatice HQ
and Kabul.
General Lord Sir Michael Mike "Mick" Spear & Jackson, Black Stocking Brown-Nose Pursuivant..

Amen, the mess is over, make unto each other the sign of Ruin
and go in peace, or war, whatever.

And remember, our boys and lassies and whatever are serving out there for our way of life, so that Alan Duncan can have free gardening services. That's worth dying for. Only not him, of course, or me.

.


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Friday, 9 October 2009

DWARF GENERAL TO JOIN TORIES. WOTSONTELLY. QT WITH DIMBLES.

General Ian Dwarf, Britain's longest-serving and unfunniest comedian and house documentary maker (Railways) to the BBC, has shocked short people everywhere by urging voters to vote Conservative. I am sick, said Hislop, pulling his trademark not very funny face, of being looked down upon by the likes of Yvette Cooper-Balls, time I was looked down on by Caroline Spellman and that old bag, the shoe fetishist, wotsername. Vote Tory, they're all public school and Oxbridge. Like me and the rest of my chums at Private Eye.

General Hislop, dining in the Celebrities' Regimental Mess.


Hislop's other comedic device is to rattle through a whole list of archly unrealistic observations and then, at the end, saying, Not. It really is hilarious how he does this everytime he's on TV and the audience always laughs, once the floor manager has reminded them of their obligation so to do.

First Murdoch and now this fawning little fucking turd, sighed senior Tories, how low can we go ?

Thursday, 8 October 2009

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY. NEW POLITiCAL PARTY LAUNCHED

skymadeupnewsandfilth was today reporting the launch of a new political party, the Pizza-Cardigan Party, or the PCP.



The party, Mr Pizza and Mr Cardigan, is pictured here at it's inaugural lunch, sorry, launch meeting at the BBC, like the BBC, Mr Pizza and Mr Cardigan are members of the Main Stream Media. Mainstream party politics. Only online.

Mr Pizza, a flamboyant father-of-two, said his party would fight the election in the interests of the children - killing Palestinian ones and stuffing gold in the mouths of his own - and that as economics and drinking spokesman he would be promoting the party's trickle-up strategy of wealth creation. It's self-explanatory, really, said Mr Pizza; via taxation, money trickles-up from the poor to the rich so they can get as drunk as they like without any of that breathalyser nonsense. There, a perfectly-formed manifesto. Mature non-politics; murder, greed and irresponsibility. Political historian? No, begorrah, what's one of them?

Mr Cardigan said that he was traditional, rather like a cardigan himself, unimaginative and boring and easily pulled apart, but I'll wear one all day and all night if it gets me elected as a Tory MP, I mean a PCP MP. Politics? Oh no, I don't do that. Cliche and platitude, that's my thing, name-dropping, do a bit of that.

Mr Pizza said his new party would be fiercely patriotic in an all-night rave sort of a way and would, therefore, be registered in the European Republic of Ireland to avoid paying any tax in the country in whose politics he so meddled. Rich people, in any event, shouldn't pay taxes, how else were they to bring to its knees, requiring massive remedial public subsidy, the free-for-all system which Mr Fawkes, chancellor-in-waiting, has for so long applauded.

stay tuned to skymadeupnewsandfilth for exciting new political developments. Not like this.
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