Wednesday, 22 December 2010


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Well, Mr Deputy Poof, sorry, Mr  Deputy Speaker, Clearly,  it is all incredibly Labour's fault. Look, thirteen years, they had. To sort the fucking weather out and what happens? As usual, it's down to my elected coalition - which, Clearly,  more people didn't vote for than didn't vote for the party opposite - two parties working for the common good of each other, it's just  incrediby down to this stronganstablegovament to sort out all this snow bollocks.  I am pleased to announce, therefore, Mr Deputy BrownHatter,  that I am sending the Justice Seckatry, Mr FagAsh Ken, the right honourable member for British American Tobacco, and the Not-Now Business Seckatry, Mr Silly Old Dancing Queen, to take up their shovels and start clearing the runways at Heathwick, or wherever all these moaning bastards are holed-up. And finally, dearie, Clearly, it's just incredibly time the party opposite apologised to the nation for all this snow which is stopping them getting to the shops and buying Chinese trash by the  carload to fend off the horrors of this coming season of shortages, chaos, strikes and  riots. And of course incredible food and underwear from the nation's favourite store, Marks an' Tories. The honourable and right honourable ladies and gentlemen opposite should know that Clearly when we start shooting the population on the streets it will be just so incredibly the fault of the Labour party.

Tory cheers, Way to go, Dave! Shoot the proles! It's the only way! Stop 'em breeding! Incredible!


Order-order! The gentleman for Sheffield, the Deputy Prime minister. And before you start,  sweetie, let me remind you, look you, isn't it, 'sonly so many people you can fool with that  married man shit. Hardly worked for the Foreign Seckatry, has it? No wonder the poor sow keeps having miscarriages, is it, married to a big, butch  predatory queen like him, it's enough, as we say in the valleys, to make your fucking eyes bleed, isn't it, look you. And, by the way, I would just like to reassure the House that when I was voting for all those anti-queer measures, before, like, that was because I didn't want  to upset my parents, my Mum and Dad, like, they can't stand queers. Like me. But now that I'm deputy speaker, earning a fortune and on a King's pension it hardly matters, does it, hypocrisy and cowardice. Leastways, I'm not shacked up with a drunken, gobby baggage, like the proper speaker   is, had more cock than I have, Mrs Speaker, and that, as the house will know, is saying something, dirty fucking tramps. No. I was scared like, before,  and that's why I was happy to make other people scared, too, dirty fucking  poofs. Noblest traditions of the House, like, the oppression of Otherness, even if, like the member for Bermondsey, one is an  Other oneself. Mind, they're all bent as arseholes, aren't they, look you, isn't it, the LibDems, always were. Now they're in govament they'll be making it fucking compulsory; shit-eating on the national curriculum, I shouldn't wonder.

The house applauds. Hear-hear! Well said! Kiss me quick! Who's a pretty boy?

Order-order!  The house will come to order and hear Mr Nick Noddy, the deputy prime minister, A-ha-ha-ha. Deputy prime minister, my arse, so to speak. Mr Nick Noddy, leader of the Toiletmen.

No, no, Mr Deputy Sphincter,  when we said we wouldn't lend the money to Messrs Forgemasters, what we meant was that we would lend the money to them because they are in my constituency. And govament, Mr Deputy Twink, is about making choices for oneself.  And I would just like to associate myself with the prime minister Mr Dave Incredibly,  the member for the City of London; it's not even as though my former right honourable friend, Dr Vince Two-Step, even went to a proper school. Is it Christmas, yet?  Can I go home now, to Spain, for a nice holiday, before we have to start shooting people, in  our own  interests, I mean theirs?


Dick the Prick said...

Probably get a full on benders party sooner rather than later.I quite like the Bercows - if they're pissing the Tories off, pissing the meeja off and having a laugh then fuck it - good luck to 'em. He's almost an independent Speaker and his bird is a bit of a goer. The boy's done well for himself. Also, keeping UKIP off his back in his constituency was well handled. I proper liked it when he shouted at the Tory chief whip - 'fuck you mother fucker, get back here!' Good work.

He's not forensic but i'd be surprised if he's not incredibly shrewd. Gus O'Donnel the head of the civil service is getting leaky. He's starting to look around for a career and expecting life to owe him a living. I'm not doubting that permanent secretaries are important people but our Gussy reckons he 'facilitated' the coalition talks to a 5 day resolution of his planning! I'm sure he booked the rooms well, provided tea & biscuits but ffs, what a fuckwit. There speaks the language of a lazy, arrogant, over-paid cunt.

OT - but the standard of the 6.30pm slot on Rd4's gone down hill a bit.

Dick the Prick said...

I retract that - Shappi Khorsandi's alright after the political shit. Good girl.

call me ishmael said...

If you like that sort of thing, mr dtp; as far as I'm concerned she's the Maureen Lipman de nos jours; goading, in yer face, charmless and as funny as a public beheading. Don't know about anyone else but I am up to here with people trying so cleverly to make me laugh, doesn't matter if it's Marcus Bogstick or this pushy bint with the swollen ankles. I wish she'd fuck off back to Iran or whatever shithole informs her joyless schtick, try it out on them.

Dick the Prick said...

Good material to get stoned to! Bet the boys at Bias BBC spluttered on their tea. Fuck it - I got raised by a single mum and had a half Siamese cat; quite like pain.

Dick the Prick said...

Apparently the Vatican bank's got new share holders. Bit of a rumpus.