Wednesday, 1 September 2010




Welcome back and our man in Afghanistan, Jeremy Knobhead,   is reporting that Taliban sources have insisted that Britain's Deputy Joker, Mr Nick Gimp, not be attacked or in any way delayed from returning home.  Jeremy, what can you make up for us?

Well, yes, Kay and thank you and viewers will be interested to know that it gets more and more difficult to make things up from here.  Every time another half-dozen British or American teenagers getsblown to fucking pieces, even before the screaming has stopped, some gobby fucking thug from Supreme Allied Command Kabul - or Wall Street -  is out telling us that this is a sign of victory, that the more of our troops come home in bits the more we are winning,


and in a  sense, Kay, you couldn't make it up, not even experts, like you and I.  But anyway, Clegg, he's been here, poncing about in his shirtsleeves. This was him earlier, talking to the troops:


Fellow Coalition troops, no, no need to salute me, I am actually very much like you, only much richer and my life is more valuable, being a politician and your deputy commander in chief, but even so, look,  we  are truly brothers in arms, y'know, I too, am fighting for the country in a coalition, so, in a very real sense, we are all in this together....

Oh, for fuck's sake ......groans....catcalls....fuck off, you pansy...wanker.....

And I really do wish that I could be out here at the frontline with you only it'd be too dangerous and I might get hurt and I do have a wife and children, like many of you , although me and Donna Teresa Isabella Esperanza Conchita Valencia Por Favor Tortilla Speedy Gonzales are actually married, and not just shacked-up, as, I gather, are many of you chaps. Nothing wrong with that - as long as you're not benefit cheats, like Mr Laws, no, only joking, thought I was in the toilets, 


with the party members, and I do mean members, a-ha-ha.  Only not like that, I've slept with thirty nine women, which is nearly as many MPs as I have . And that's not counting the ones who'll join Labour, very soon.  Am I saying that we we in the Coalition  don't respect all sorts of families,  of course I'm not, excepting poor ones, of course. Is there any chance I might get one of those breakfasts, like political leaders all get whern they come out here?  No? Oh well, never mind.

Now, look,  I know some of you, those that can read,  will remember that just before the election, which I so comprehemsively won, or would have done if I hadn't lost, I did say that you were all wasting your time out here  and that anyway, my new party, unlike the two old parties, was against war and stuff like that. Are you asking me if I was against the war then but for it now, the answer is a resounding, unequivocal  Maybe.  And those that know me, like Senora Teresa Isabella Esperanza Conchita Valencia Por Favor Tortilla Speedy Gonzales, will tell you that I am very much a man of my word, it's what I came into politics to do. Tell lies.  It may appear that there is a contradiction between what I said then and what I say now but, you know, we have to be grown-up about this. Or you do. When I said the Tories were rubbish what I meant was that they are rubbish unless they make me Deputy Prime Minister, with my own cage and everything. And now everything is fine. And now that I am allowed to look in Mr Oxbone's Big Book Of Made-Up Numbers I can tell you that all the things I stood for before the election were wrong, especially about war and stuff, and everything Mr Cameron tells me to say is right.  There. I am glad to have cleared that up.

These intra uterine devices, I gather they are the very devil  and can be quite painful.  But I want you all to know that in the Coalition we are comitted to making up reasons for you being here until it is time to make up reasons for you not being here and there isn't too much we can do about the IUDs.  Try and not step on them, that's the best thing. Shouldn't be too hard.  In conclusion, mates, I would just like to say that you have no stauncher ally in Whitehall that me. Until I change my mind, again. It is what I came into politics to do, Visit brave young people fighting an unwinnable war for a corrupt administration and tell lies to them. Oh, and have my photo taken.  Like I was a proper man.

Five more years, chaps;  that's the thing, it's what the country needs; this first five years, and then another five years, and another, and another.


You see, Kay, how hard  it is?  Sometimes I think I should go back to being a Redcoat. Can't be any worse than reporting on these cunts....

But the Talimen, Jeremy...

Wossat?  Oh, yeah, this communication was intercepted earlier. It is believed to be from Osama bin Laden himself....Well, yes, everbody knows he's dead but, y'know, we have to say what the CIA tell us, if the CIA say bin Laden is a clear and present threat then who am I to argue? Whaddayathinkiyam, a fucking journalist?

   Here's the gist of it, from a video on Al Jazeera, a proper news station:

(Shadowy figure with teatowel around his head, terrible, awful,  wailing, Arabic music....)

Salaam eleikum, salaam eleikum, salaam eleikum.

Brothers, don't  touch the  infidel, the Clegg, not a hair, brothers, of his empty head, I command you in the name of Allah, peace and blessings be upon his name, that the Clegg  be permitted to travel home and continue his work of wrecking the Britishers' country. He is but an crazy man but will cause more harm to his nation than  any number of our bombing brothers could achieve.  The Clegg will take from the people their will to live. He will bring fear and despair, hatred and strife as cirtizen turns against citizen, as young turn against old, as black turns against white;  his is a mission of destruction, he will make of the United Kingdom a Gaza Strip.

(Firing of Kalashnikov rifles into the air......Allah Akhbar, Allah Akhbar)

And even now he tampers with the voting system, that the infidel Britishers may never be rid of him and his  cursed lies.  But a handful, a piss puddle,   voted for him and his ladymen and yet he travels the world, even in Afghanistan, like a monarch.  Brothers, the regimes in our countries are lesser than camel-droppings, half of them are being ruled by the military, and the other half by playboy sons of kings and presidents. We have long experienced them. Now,  it is the turn of the Britishers to feel despotism.

( More Kalashnikov...more Allah stuff..)

Already they have endured Blair, the Evil One, simpering and grinning, picking his party's pocket and then pissing in it, and Brown, the lunatic monster  and great, clunking fairyman  who brought tyranny and ruin and the suppression of liberties to their own country and called it the War Against Terror,  that is to say, Brothers, me.

(Raghead Chorus, to the tune of Bread of Heaven :
Oh-oh-sa-ama, Oh-oh-sa-ama.
We'll support you ever more, ever more
We'll suppor-or-ort you ev-er-er more.)

Now, they will really suffer. Cameron and the Clegg barely know what day it is, know nothing of history, nothing of work, are fit only to sloganise, one eye to the television camera, one to the headline writer, theirs is a government of vengeful, tongue-tied  schoolboys, of frightened ladymen, unspeakable lawyers  and elderly ballroom dancers yet it would tear down all comfort, all security, it would cruelly manage the lives of the sick and old, would punish the weak and the vulnerable, would segregate society formally, into the haves, with so-called Free schools, and the have-fuck-alls, with nothing to call their own, merely the scorn of shit newspapers.

Brothers, it is a happy day for us. The British have a government of terrorists;  millionaires, like the House of Saud, above and beyond the law, like the House of Saud and like despots all over the world, educated at Eton and Oxbridge; like the House of Saud, intermarried and interbred, part of the large banking family of Jew and Arab alike.  The Clegg will rewrite British democracy so that he is truly, actually monarchical and he will call it the New Politics;  he will call it Grown-Up; taking Britain back to the nineteen-thirties, of scalped wages and fawning deference to the Banker and the Spiv Businessman,  he will call it Reform.

Brothers, as far as Britain is concerned, our work is done for us, by the Clegg,  harm him not, for he is our ally; suffer him to live and return home, there to wreak havoc. Bismillah, it is the will of Allah.

So, there it is, Kay, the Clegg, Britain's own walking nine-eleven, a veritable walking, talking, smirking dirty bomb, set to do what Hitler couldn't, and getting away with it, too,  just because people hate Gordon Snot and the Clegg ain't him....

Thanks, Jeremy, you've interviewed the Clegg, haven't you, whadidyamakeovim?

I though he was a cunt, Kay, doesn't everybody ?

Thanks, Jeremy, and after the break all the Sport with that bloke who looks like a mad, grinning geography teacher.  And Jayne Tits'll be here with the business news. Or is it the entertainment news? Hardly matters, It's all made-up . Stay tuned or I'll come round your house and bite your face off

More Petraeus victory news;


Verge said...

Speaking of made-up filth, someone help me out, I'm confused - which heinous lie are we abhorring today? That Hague didn't have a chutney feretting session with his valet or that he most certainly did, massah deputy spunkah, have sexual relations with that woman, several times mind you, once even face-to-face (cries of "no!" and "shame!" from appalled back-benchers.) I really can't keep up.

yardarm said...

Clegg is consumed with his own cleverness at using the hung parliament to blag the Liberals some of the Big Chairs. But politicians are politicians and when they start to fight among themselves, it`s already started, over who bears the brunt of the cuts and the public wake up and discover that they truly are all in it, the Cuntalition in its present form will split asunder.

Clegg might be the most powerful Liberal since Lloyd George but if he knew a damn thing about history
he`d knew how he came to an end: there is a reason why the 1922 Committee is called that.

So take heart; possibly Wisteria Dave will back his chum Gideon ' Not soiled by toil ' Osborne and we`ll end up with a minority right wing Tory gov`t. But relations between Chancellors and Prime Ministers can break down and Wisteria may abandon Pastey Face in order to be propped up by the Toiletmen.

Or a Toiletman coup will defenestrate Clegg; anything is possible, except getting a government that`s any good. Labour could exploit this if they ween`t going to be led by an characterless understrapper closely implicated in the crimes of Jug Ears and Bongo Head.

call me ishmael said...

Try to keep up, mr verge, it's simple really, whatever Mr hague says, that's the truth, he is a minister of the crown. And you're not.

"Or a Toiletman coup will defenestrate Clegg; anything is possible, except getting a government that`s any good. Labour could exploit this if they ween`t going to be led by an characterless understrapper closely implicated in the crimes of Jug Ears and Bongo Head."

That's about it, a golden, old Labour opportunity wasted, pissed up the wall on these chumps.