Thursday, 2 September 2010



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Famous after-dinner speaker, director of JCB and part-time MP, Wilhelmina Hague, has delighted the Freaks' Wing of the Tory Party since, at the age of sixteen, he gave a speech in which he uncannily imitated a  querulous old lady. He has never stopped doing that old lady thing and at one point the Bi-Spivs in the party thought to pass him off as the imfamous drag queen Margaret Thatcher, but failed due to wardrobe misjudgements, paricularly in the matter of a touch-too-butch baseball cap. Despite this he has  risen to the very depths of the Cabinet and is very popular among the reptiles, what with his wise-cracking and extra-pariamentary adventures, mainly down the gym with sporty gentlemen like Lord Sebastian Coe, his - whaddatheycallit?- his Work-Out Buddy. Yes, determinedly macho men like Wilhelmina, that's what they need, a Work-Out Buddy.

Billy  is currently, Mr Deputy Spanker, ay very model, ay very model, may I say, of ay modern bisexual foreign seckatry. A true Tory, he distinguished himself in the last parliament by being the member earning the most money outside his supposedly main job as an MP. Hardhatting with the boys, Willy brought his He-Man skills to the wild world of tractors and earth-moving, in a six figure post with Messrs JCB,  whilst working evenings as an after dinner speaker at any business dinner drag club which would pay him. I yam the very model, Mr Deputy Spunker, of ay modern constituency MP. And I commend myself to the House. That'll be fifteen hundred guineas, please,  no cheques.


the noblest prospect said...

Once knew a girl who worked for old man Harmsworth.

Some of our friends in the MSM have known all about Billy's proclivities since before he married.

call me ishmael said...

Thanks, Mr NP. Methinks anyone who saw his teeny baptism at the Tpry conference, all those years ago, should have smelt a rat, or is it an arse?

Odd how the BBC are so full of empathy for him,

Mike said...

Mr I: I think you are conflating two completely separate issues: one is Hague's performance as a politician; the second is his sexuality.

On the first, I feel he is probably one of the better of an admitedly bad bunch, and on the whole, it would be a mistake if the mob (led by Fawkes) hound him from office. So what if he happens to be a decent after dinner speaker - not a criticism you would level at, say, Prescott - or several hundred of his compatriots?

On the second, as a long standing hetro married male, I'm starting to think the bi's may have the best option. I can understand the homo factor in, say, the armed services or elite team sports - which is essential for their success. The Greeks were rather successful after all. And I'm finding your modern woman increasing less attactive and hard to deal with.

call me ishmael said...

Thanks, mr mike. As to Haugue's political ability, well, he talks a lot, he always has, and if that is a quality we should admire then I cannot fault your analysis, even though he has never actually done anything, unless you count his being Maggie's Taffy.

And as to him being hounded from office by the mob, well, nobody but his own mobsters will do that, in the event that he becomes an embarrassment too great, even for the shameless Coalition.

I have been saying these things about Hague for much longer than has Col von Fawkes and I do not accept that there is an entitlement to privacy among public servants who so rigourously seek to police the privacy of others, nor who collectively assume a mantle of righteous monogamy, the horrible gobby fuckpig.

It is clear that he was taking the piss, sleeping with his driver like that, and he deserves everything he gets; he, after all, is the very first to appeal to the redneck, hetero majority.

I believe, also, that all in parliament should devote their energies full-time to their parliamentary duties, not to telling unfunny, after-dinner anecdotes to pissed-up Mr Men. Hague is a worthless, motormouthing gabshite in love with the sound of his own voice, as preposterous and embarrassing a foreign secretary as was the wretched Millipede.

Ah, pity me, we've had a miscarriage - using his daft wife's misfortune to deflect attention from his affairs is uttery revolting but entirely typical of the whining wannabe, Hague.

The bi's may well have the best option -for themselves, which of course is all they care about but I believe bisexcual is a term coined by the uber-decadent in order to make acceptable what actually isn't. I may be wrong, maybe Hague's and Hughes's is the brave new world and I am just an old reactionary.

The Greeks, what with their slaves and boy-love and everything, I consider a nation much over-rated which we emulate at our peril.

mongoose said...

Hague? Preposterous twat should be hung in chains. Twice would be about fair. "I'm a real man, me. Drink 254 pints every morning." Aww, fuck off! Do we care who he shags? We do not. Do we care if he abuses his position of power, shags a boy half his age,l lies about it, betrays the ffragrant Ffion, presumably makes us pay the fucking hotel bill, etc? Yes we do. He is toast. Done.

call me ishmael said...

Oh, I do hope you are right, mr m. A lifetime of unchallenged preposterousness and a widespread,dopey compliance to this ridiculous Swingers' Coalition make it less than certain, I fear. The vitriol is very welcome, we need more of it.

I think I make your points, with equal disgust, further on up the road.

mongoose said...

Rest easy. Enjoy Saturday, for the Sunday papers will eviscerate him, Mr Ishmael. You heard it here last. We have even had "the Prime Minister's Office spokesperson expressed the Prime Minister's full support..." Doomed, I say, doomed.

Agatha said...

Sorry to hear that you are having trouble with the modern woman, Mr. Mike. I'm afraid that must just remain your unhappiness, unless you can sort out whatever it is that you are doing, saying or believing, that causes them to be "increasing less attactive and hard to deal with". Best of luck with that one. And sympathies to your wife. I fear; however, that you have missed the reason for the outrage about Mr. Hague and his little Willy.It is not his sexuality. Good god, man, homosexuality (and, by extension, bisexuality) is legal now, even so fashionable it is almost compulsory. No, the problem is with the mendacity, the fake heterosexual lifestyle adopted to gain more votes because the politicians believe that is the popular choice. Mike, it is not mr Ish that confuses Mr. Hague's politics with his sexuality; it is Mr. Hague himself. He just doesn't trust the electorate.