Wednesday, 16 April 2014


Good Afternoon,  this is SkyNews,

 with me, Kay Burley.

 And we're taking you straight away to Sky's Jeremy Filth in Pistoria, where he is covering the trial of Oscar Testosterone, the legless runner, spoiled brat, celebrity and gun-crazy psychobastard who murdered his harmless, gentle, beautiful, undisabled, gold-digging trollop, Wotsername, Rhona,
 is it,
 Rhona Steamkettle?

 Jeremy, what's been happening today?
Thanks, Kay and Good Evening from  Pistoria where it has been another dramatic day with the  murderer being cross-examined by State Prosecutor, Mr Harry Knobkerrie. 


 It's just been one dramatic interchange after another, with the murderer sobbing his socks off, vomiting and pissing himself as he has tried to deflect the questions of ace state prosecutor Harry Knob. This is from this morning,  just before the judge adjourned proceedings for the vicious mutant to compose himself:

I put it to you, Meesta Testosterone,  

that there were no intruders and thet you jest shot the bitch for badness, jest to show her who wes boss. She wes dissing you, wasn't she, the dirty sleg, mebbe admiring a proper man with both legs, end you killed her, didden you? 

She ren into the shithouse, locked the door end then you shot her four times through the fecking door end now you come here with all this bollocks about fecking intruders end fecking ladders end fecking dancing magazine racks when in fact all thet heppened wes that you were pissed at the bitch end you chased her and fecking shot her fecking arse off, 


end, Mahlaydee, her fecking head, too, shot her fecking head off, is whet you did, why don't you jest fucking admit it?

 Feck me, Mahlaydee, weth the greatest respect, her fecking brains was all over the fecking shop. Tell the court, Meesta Testosterone, how you came up weth all this shit about burglars when every fecker end his fecking dog heard her screaming for you not to shoot her and you just kept on firing your fecking gun at her like a fecking lunatic.

That's not true, Mahlaydee,  I did jest shoot the bitch bet I didden know it wes the bitch when I shot her,  I didden  know et was four shots I fired into the bitch, I jest sort of  fired accidentally, Mahlaydee, eet wes the most terrible thing even though it wes accidental, it wes deliberate, too, but in self defence,  when you consider thet it might have been heavily armed burglars hiding in my shithouse like they was silly totties, instead of it being en actual  silly totty, I mean my beloved Wossername, who was actually very comfortable in our relationship,  Mahlaydee,  end thet wes why she wes cowering in the shithouse with the door firmly locked end screaming her fecking head off for me not to kill her, even though I couldn't hear the bitch because I wes repeatedly firing my weapon accidentally end I couldn't hear nothing, end everymorning I pray thet you will let me off shooting the bitch, which I didden  do enyway, or if I did, I didden mean to, in fect, es I have said to Mr Knob, I thought she wes a gang of armed robbers end I definitely didden mean to shoot them with my weapon...... Oh, oh, I thenk I am going to be seck. Bluuurrrrrrgh.........

And it was like that, Kay,  you there, Kay?...
 all fucking day long, cunt was screeching and throwing-up like a virgin at a News Of The World gangbang.
You there, Kay?

Yes, Jeremy, still here, I was wondering about a facelift, what's your take on that?
Well, as you know, Kay, I always think you look great.  Rough as a bears arse mind, but great, all the same.  And maybe, just maybe, a little bit of the old PolyFilla mightn't go amiss.

Another Murdoch bint in plastic surgery viewer fraud.

But what else is happening in Pistoria, Jeremy?

Well, Kay, Bow-Wow, Whoosagoodgirl? No, only joking. Anyway,  for an expert view as to whether he's guilty or extremely fucking guilty I'm joined here by our South African legal expert, Lllllewelllyn KaffirBasher, 

a member of the South African bar. 

 Lllllewelllyn, how's it going, from your point of view?  Thenks, Jeremy and well, the bestard is geelty es fucking sin and we should jest hang him up by his goolies until he coughs, thet's how we used to do things in South Efrica, only mainly to darkies, but this git is helf way there, isn't he being  desabled, as they call it, fucking freak.  No,  Harry Knob is doing  a first rate job, tripping the bestard up, whether he hes his fecking legs on or not, a-ha-ha, give the fecker an even chance, sort of; mind you, the Judge is a fucking kaffir so there's no fecking telling which way she might jump.  Did you see her fecking hair, Jeremy,
 looks like a fucking savage, neh? Wooden be fecking surprised to see her coming to court with a fecking great bone in her fecking nose. I jest dunno how it came to this shit....

What shit's that, then, Lllewelllyn ?

How we heff ay fecking voodoowoman, setting up there on the fecking bench, like a proper judge. 
 I betcha, Jerry, thet she goes home at night to her fecking tent and instead of reviewing the evidence that says this fecking bestard is fecking geelty she slaughters some fecking chickens or goats or some sheet like thet and smears her fecking self wiuth their fecking guts end rolls around in the fecking dirt. 'Sjust the sort of thing they do, these fecking savages.

Thanks for that, Llllewellyn, that was Mr Llewelyn Curlewis there for us, and like all of us here and you too, at home, Mr Curwotsit is absolutely convinced of CryingBoy's guilt.   And it's back now to Kay in the UK where it seems the education seckatry has declared war on  Birmingham.


That's right, Jeremy, and we go over now to the Daily Filth-O-Graph's Toby Young 

who is, to Michael Spit-Gove what Adam Werrity was to Dr Liam Foxx............a sort of a, whatchamacallit, sort of, well, boy, yes, that's it, Michael Gove's boy,

 Toby Cock, one of MediaMinster's boys.

Toby, as a grotesquely pushy parent, a gobby, empty-headed self-publicist;  a grubby, seedy wanker on-the-make  and as an all round worthless piece of MediaMinster shit, what's your take on this quite extraordinary development, where the Education Seckatry has appointed the former head of national counter-terrorism to investigate a couple of school governors, meeting-up in Brum and dribbling over the Koran, like they do.

Well, Kay and thanks, by the way, for having me on the show again but if I might just, before I answer that question, correct a widespread misapprehension  that I am a pushy parent, I am absolutely nothing of the sort, it's just that I can recognise that my children are intensely special, not just to me, although of course they are, but it's more that I see them as an invaluable resource to the world and so in wanting the very best for them that someone else's money can buy I am being entirely selfless; frankly, Kay, the world needs my sperm, I mean my kids, like never before. And it is only by diverting resources from less special people's children to children of my own issue that we can make any, wossaname, headway, yes, that's it, headway.  And if you can call that pushy parenting, well, I suggest that you are entirely mistaken.

Yes, but about Govey, he's a bit of a nutter, 
isn't he...?

No, Kay, no, absolutely not, Michael has the very best interests of the nation at heart, 

Nutter Alert.

moreso, I might say, than does a closely-knit cabal of public schoolboys which I could mention and  he and wossername are great, personal friends of mine.

Mr and Mrs Spit-Gove, living it up.

But sometimes, you know, Kay, in the life of a great statesman like Michael,


 he needs to strike whilst the iron is wossaname.

Like invading Birmingham and executing school governors, you mean?

But Kay, if you don't mind my correcting you - even though I do have the ear of His Michaelness -  these people, these so-called governors are actually highly dangerous terrorists, dangerous to all out children but especially mine, I mean, just look at them.
One of the governors of Small Heath Primary School, 
(photo: Daily Filth-O-Graph, UKIP, DofE.) 

That was Toby Cock, there for us, shedding some light on events in the second city.

And now to showbiz,  And this is the griefparty at Anfield football ground, where former NewLabour minister, Andy Burnham addressed a capacity crowd about himself and his part in their whateveritis.


What is it with Liverfuckingpudlians.? Instead of marching on South Yorks Police HQ and tearing it down, they all get together and have a fucking sing-song, waving their footie scarves aloft, naming, with great respect, naturally, virtually every citizen of the city.

I have been to three football matches in my entire life and on each occasion I was terrified by the potentially uncontrollable, drunken  vicious tribalism of the crowd, thousands of nincompoops alco-welded for a few hours into a juggernaut of reckless malice, fuck 'em, I thought,  they're all fucking mad, they deserve whatever they get.  And they got it at Hillsborough.

There's one guy, particularly, gets me mad, grown eloquent with years of self-pitying, he whines about his two daughters getting crushed to death, as though permitting two teenage girls to enter a stadium full of shouting, drunken neanderthals was the act of a responsible parent.  It is not something which I would ever have done;  those places were and are intrinsically dangerous.   Everywhere, of course,  is intrinsically dangerous in our infinity of paranoid possibilities  but sending your kids into football stadia has clear and present dangers;  regardless of the quality of policing, stewarding and constructional safety it is a chance you take with the lives of your children;  that all three were bad at Hillsborough does not relieve parents of their duty of care. 

Oh, there's no question but that Chief Inspector Filth

 is a lying, crooked, cheating  bastard but surely it didn't take Hillsborough to persuade people of that,  surely everybody knows that.  Doesn't everybody know that PC Plod sits with his mates and writes up invented evidence so's it all matches, just so; surely everybody knows  that his seniors call him in  for a quiet word

and tell him what to say in a big case;  surely everybody knows that governments will always side with the police against the citizen unless, of course, the citizen is Andrew Mitchell, MP and flogger or Nigel Evans, MP and predatory homosexual. 

 What is the matter with these maudlin, self-pitying Scousers that they'll sell their lost family members' memories for a poxy, meaningless, showy, full and far-reaching cover-up of an inquest, one which opens, disgustingly, with a name-check of every concerned participant? Do they really think that the filthsters who covered-up this cack-handed policing of a football match  and then slandered the dead

Kelvin McFilth, Hillsborough Sun editor, PBC pundit and Murdoch dingleberry,
 enjoys himself with Piers ShitFerBrains Moron.
( When is he going to jail?)

give a flying fuck for anything that this service of mewling and puking and this showbiz inquest reveal? They must all be pissing themselves, the cops and MediaMinster,  as Liverpool does what it does best, moans and whinges.

And as for this arsehole, well, there aren't any words which would do justice to his performance, unless they are spelt BAFTA.  Bubbles Burnham sank to the occasion. 

Repeatedly  linking himself to the very existence of the post-Hillsborough presure group, this smirking turd, this obnoxious, Oxbridge, career politico front-and-centred himself, spinning patronising yarns about Footie and Mams and shit.
We all know that shame and embarrassment are alien to the likes of he but this really was vintage, premier cru sick-bucket stuff.

I am humbled, Liverpool, before you, as you give me this opportunity to act like a give a fuck, you stupid cunts.  If it wasn't fer me mam, an' me loyalty to a certain other football club - giggles - and for the friendship of all these great, millionaire, gang-raping, coke-snorting, repulsive and vulgar sporting heroes, here today, I never would've been able to wash me 'ands, like, of the twelve hundred or so deaths in that Staffordshire Health Trust, what I was in charge of. 

Andy Bubbles Burnham, NewLabour scoundrel and the most dangerous health seckatry in history, takes a Staffordshire bow.

That, of course, should read Faculty of Death, 
prop HM Seckatry of state for health, Andy Burnham.

It is not for their meaningless crowd-sentimentality that I abhor this gang, it is not that I dismiss their righteous indignation, it is that, in exchange for Grieving's tacky celebrity,  they do.

Never mind singing You'll Never Walk Alone,  never mind applauding shit like Andy Burnham,  these people should have seen to it that Kelvin McKenzie, fatwahed,  left the country; should have pelted Andy Burnham with stones and should, even now,  be ripping up paving slabs.


Alphons said...

Well that seems to just about cover the situation admirably as stands as of usual.

Dick the Prick said...

Even the briefest of encounters with Toby Young offers the complete acknowledgement that his cuntitude shall remain a permanent condition - quite a useful skill, I suppose, if that's what he's aiming for. You'da thought that in their determination to destroy teaching unions and local authority procurement and education departments someone would have piped up by opining that perhaps, just perhaps, some thoroughly disreputable twats may turn schools into madrassas or worse, and that OFSTED may be ill equipped to check out large scale instituionalised peadophilia or indoctrination but I guess that's kinda irrelevant if Tarquin can study classics from year 5 so the parents can avoid bedtime reading to the cunt - all about balance, you see!

Fuck any future problems, it's either 1 term or perpetual coalition so inevitably becomes some other cunt's problem to duck out of, to blame the democratic system and compromise for the sudden increase in noncing jihadists - whoo hoo - everyone's a winner, except the kids ofcourse but fuck them, they don't vote - back of the net!

mrs narcolept said...

I couldn't feel sorry for that woman even when she was dropped on her face from shoulder height by her ice-dancing partner.

That Pustorius prosecutor is fierce. Perhaps the Sarth Efrican system differs from ours, but the CPS could do with him on their team.

If we were having to educate the young narcolepts now I honestly think we would teach them to read and write and let them get on with it in their own way rather than send them to the local factory farms.

Just a thought, mr ishmael: if you published, or whatever the online equivalent is, the collected chronicles of ruin, I wouldn't be the only one who would buy it.

callmeishmael said...

You've nutshelled that one, mr dtp, and here was me thinking you was onea them Tory gits. I can't add to that, except, maybe, to muse that universal access to education may soon resemble the three centuries' worth of coal under our feet - concreted over, whilst China and the rest burn gazillions of tonnes every day.

Me, too, mrs n, however difficult it was I would keep them at home, teach them myself..

As for your kind suggestion, I never have and still don't consider myself a writer, such is for the likes of Toby Young. These commentaries ae just me busking, on the cyberstreet corner, street entertainment, it's for myself and my friends these stories are sung. Besides, I wouldn't know where to start.

Obviously, mr alphons, i think you are right - that does cover the situation, it's all truer than true.

Caratacus said...

A thoughtful and - as we have come to expect - brilliant synopsis of events in Sith Ifrica.

It is a little early in the day for an evening sharpener, and I regret to have to report that the better part of the second sip sprayed over the keyboard when I got to the picture in the library ...

Don't know if anyone remembers Cheech + Chong from the old days; their recording of Sleeping Beauty is on YouTube and if you skip forward to around 6:21 you will hear the Gestapo of the kingdom interrogating an old man as to the whereabouts of his 'spinning veel'. When I hear Oscar P giving his 'evidence', I think of this recording ...

Anonymous said...

What's the betting that if Steroid Pistorious does an OJ and gets away with murder, he makes a startling physocological recovery and begins 'competing' again?

He could even write another 'inspirational memoir'.


yardarm said...

Gove and Young could benefit from having a magazine full of dum dum rounds fired through the bog door at them. Both are grasping sweaty buttocked social climbers oozing oily creepishness.

Young has hitched himself to Gove who has aligned himself with Gideon Pansy Face for the Battle of the Entitled Effete Layabouts with Boris Cock when Wisteria fucks off. Gove no doubt hoping to be Foreign Secretary, wagging his neo con fingers at Bad Vlad. They`ll be laughing their bollocks off in the Kremlin if they haven`t already done so with the mincing fart Hague.

Then Young will be crawling for a peerage and a ministerial post. Piers Morgan too is another sweaty social grubber and the prospect of him being sent down is highly enjoyable. He`ll probably blub more than Pissorious.

callmeishmael said...

We can bet that deals are being set up along those lines, as we speak, mr vincent. OJ, however, was mauled in the civil courts, maybe the Steamkettles can do the same. I cannot, incidentally, believe that Mother SK's face has been soured like that solely by Reeva's murder. I guess he does need some minders but this phalanx of hard-looking men don't do anything for his image. Maybe he thinks that some nutter'll confuse him with an intruder and fire four rounds into his dumb ass.

I don't think that even you, mr yardarm, could conjure up a more nightmarish caricature of a foreign seckatry than he who currently holds the post; surely this muscle-bound fairy, squeezed into his suits, head polished, teeth filed, bleating about his beardwife's uterus, all in his ghastly, pretentious, over articulated gibberish is as bad as it can get?

These people, though, Young and Finkelstein, Morgan and McKenzie and the followers whom they attract........what's that all about, and whatever it is, call it the Peaches Geldof Phenomenon, whereby vacuity, worthlessness. and name recognition shoulder-out merit; is it reversible? Or should we just all accept that shit sandwiches are the national diet?

yardarm said...

Most of us are content to keep our heads down and carry on with life but some; the Youngs, the Morgans, Finkelsteins are convinced the world can`t survive without their opinions, their input, their entitlement to be administering, interpreting. I doubt if it is reversible but as long as enough of us enduring, what you called many threads ago " the short and simple annals of the poor " carry on drawing the water and hewing the wood then we, and these parasites, will go on in some kind of equilibrium.

Hague, the hopeless berk, even in the event of a Wisteria victory will probably fuck off to pimp himself out a la Jug Ears and plunder some tight buttocks too. Empty suit Hammond might replace him and for the more likely heir to Spam Face, Theresa May. In the highly unlikely event of a Miliband victory...hark at my nonsense; I`m talking as though it matters.

callmeishmael said...

It's a family favourite, mr yardarm, Grey's Elegy, the short and simple annals of the poor.

It is a nest of vipers, hissing at itself, the cabinet and, yes, there could be those even more maladroit than Hague but I don't think there's anyone in the house of commons as patently absurd, ridiculous and contemptible as he.
And when you thought things couldn't possibly become more crass, stupid, offensive and venal, the speech impaired entitlementista, Edward Shitterhands, hires an American psephological gunslinger, Axelrod, in an attempt to dazzle us, throw Obamashit in our eyes. Hanging really is to good for them. And I think that this appointment might push the McLuskey-Labour equilibrium over the edge, not before time. Do hope so.

yardarm said...

It`ll take more than some Yank spinner to get Miliband out of the shit. Yet another of those layabouts who`ve never done anything but politics and is utterly useless at it. Not a thought in his head and couldn`t articulate it even if there was. Can hardly speak never mind debate, everything about the prick screams loser. Not that there`s a scintilla of difference between him and the Junta anyway.

Dick the Prick said...

I think it's an age thing - somewhere along the line a focus group convened and determined that youth equates to vigour and so all the 3 main parties held ugly baby contests and out popped 3 identikit dummies with n'er but a principle between 'em. So intent on image over message they've each in turn heralded to their respective parties that everything before them was total shite and on their watch things will be oh, so very new, so very different. Totally forgeting that those stupid dupes, the punters, quite liked the old parties - Tories for cash, Labour for unions and Liberals for rent boys but now, in totally modern Millies world - no one can tell the fucking difference anymore thus, one assumes, chucking turnout and membership down to levels of total fucking irrelevance.

It would be nice to think fuck 'em but, with tax funding of parties becoming almost inevitable it's soon to be another case of fuck us - and rightly so - fuck us for being so very British, so very polite.

callmeishmael said...

Both Milliband and Alexander studied, if that's the word, politics in the States, as did Charlie Dipso Kennedy, none of whom have ever done a day's work in their lives and two of whom are proteges of Gordon Snot, himself a Kennedy family cocksucker. Jon Sox, another one, at C4News, face drenched with Uncle Sam sperm, must be wetting himself at the prospect of a transatlantic dimension to MediaMinster, albeit that it won't mean trips for him to Washington. Never mind, we who fund C4 will just have to find other reasons to send him.

Crooked Kirsty on Newsnight, the other night, along with a bunch of media slags and ponces, was wetting her cheesy old arty knickers at this news, it won't effect her and hubby, they've both made millions selling shit programmes to the PBC and our current democratic defecit was just a matter for insider

I think this will, rightly, fuck Milliband and what passes for the Labour party, I think that Nige the smokey fascist lover will sufficiently fuck Cameron as to usher in a new dark age of coalition, a govament of national unity, they'll call it; as you say, mr dtp, serve us fucking right.

I suppose a revolution is out of the question.

yardarm said...

A GNU is the endgame of the three cheeked arse or the three arseholed arse; as you say they all have far more in common with each other than they do with us. It will be a circling of the wagons of the Filthsters, uniting in common defence.

Against what ? Us. Another banking collapse ? LibLabCon are Sinn Fein to the banksters IRA. Bad Vlad ? He`ll checkmate them and they know it. A full revelation of the Cyril Buggerman or Dunblane nonce rings ? Would shake the system far more than the exxies row.

call me ishmael said...

...... A full revelation of the Cyril Buggerman or Dunblane nonce rings ? Would shake the system far more than the exxies row.......

well, it ought to, mr yardarm but would it? I think I covered it previously years ago but most recently in The Scum Also Rises; and if I know about it, me, a nobody, then hundreds of thousands of more influential people know about it, maybe millions, and nothing happens. Boy Dave Steel still ponces about as though he was a minor saint, the cunt.

I live, as you knpw, in JoGrimondLand and the local slag is FatBoy Carmichael, Seckatry of State for Scotland, Camerton's arselicker pursuivant; he is permitted to use the local paper as a fortnightly fan letter to himself, I could write to the Orcadian newspaper putting the Cyril Smith case and other issues to Carmichael but my letter would never be published; here, like everywhere, the press are an outcrop of MediaMinster.

I don't think there will be a revelations. Nick Robinson won't do it, Adam Lard won't do it, Andrew Neil won't do it, they are all in the thick of it themselves. I used to think that maybe an overwhelming vote for Scottish separation might change things but no longer, more on that further on up the road, Happy Easter.

call me ishmael said...

erratum ex machina

This should have read:

Crooked Kirsty on Newsnight, the other night, along with a bunch of media slags and ponces, was wetting her cheesy old arty knickers at this news, it won't effect her and hubby, they've both made millions selling shit programmes to the PBC and our current democratic defecit was just a matter for insider RIBALDRY.

yardarm said...

Yes, Mr Ishmael, they all knew, and therefore all implicated, all accomplices by commission or omission.

Private Eye first exposed Buggerman (nationally) in `79. He didn`t sue. As with Saville, Dunblane, ad bloody nauseum, none of the MediaMinsters, who bleat post Leveson they are the scourge of corruption and crime, none of them did what they`d have us believe they do and investigated them.

How many owners, editors and journalists were alongside coppers and politicians in the nonce nexus ? Even as a mere councillor Cyril Buggerman seemed to be shielded by Satan himself.

I wouldn`t be surprised if Steel was the 70`s Liberal twink, passed between Buggerman and Thorpe. And Clegg ? No doubt he didn`t hear anything when he was working for Leon Brittan in Brussels.

callmeishmael said...

Maybe we are too much dyed in the wool, MSM junkies, hating our junk but loving it, too, mr yardarm.

i hear, often, that the New People barely engage with it, obtain their information from non-traditional cyberspace-enabled sources, portals less varnished. But if that is the case why do the New People all seem to me to be so unpardonably stupid.

I saw a cyber-anarchi blogger a coupla weeks back, Cory something, he was one of the New People and seemed very clued up and capable, utterly dismissive, in a most disarming way, of Power and Ruin, describing Obama as a clerk, minding the store for his employers, lowly paid and irrelevant, the real powerplay was between fiat currency holders and Bitcoin and its cyberassociates, Mad Max Keiser does a similar, Beyond Money schtick to the one I used to joust over with mr jgm2" of blessed memory. Maybe, I thought, just maybe.

But then I read of the impertinence of people like Miliband, like Toby Young and like Fraser Nelson and realise that nothing is about to change, not without cataclysmic violence.

yardarm said...

Nothing will change, Mr Ishmael, they`ve kept the cartoon cat of global finance pedalling over the precipice since October `08. They'll create magic money, tell lies, close down some libraries, whatever it takes to maintain their entitlement.

Scoundrels like Nelson, Young etc are just filth. Mad Max is fucking brilliant. He talks more sense in 5 minutes than the entire BBC since `08.

Anonymous said...

This is a bloody fine piece of writing.

Have you ever been an engineer?

callmeishmael said...

Which piece would that be, mr anonymous, for the posts and the comments are in symbiosis? I have never been an engineer but I know that there are some here who have. I used to know a young Polish plumber but I don't think that counts.
Thanks, anyway, on behalf of whomever the compliment referenced.

When I contrast Mad Max with, say, Neil or Paxman, secure in their slavery, mr yardarm, my heart soars and I don't care if RT leans to Moscow, can't be any worse a shithole than MediaMinster.