Monday, 21 April 2014


 After  tour de force performances in the entire Shakespearian canon, after being accclaimed for his lying down  skills in a chain of cheap hotels, Darling Lenny Henry turns his ferocious talent to the world of truly representative ethnic minorityism  at the Paedophile Broadcasting Corporation.  Black people like me have no choice, said the overweight campaigner but to enter showbusiness mocking our parents' attitudes  and accents, their clothes, their customs, even their dinners.  And I know because that's exactly what I did, it's what I had to do, simply to have a chance of knobbing an Oxbridge hottie like  Dawn French,
 I mean playing Hamlet, or was it Lear, Othello, maybe, the darkie. 

Although, to be fair, she preferred her chocolate treats to come wrapped in orange tinfoil, knowhaddamean, nudge-nudge,

 fat cow, how dare she divorce me? Me, the great, campaigning Theophilus P Wildebeest, making fun of black people, as I did so successfully.

But no, it's time for all that Gollywog stuff to stop, what TeeVee needs is more fat, over the hill, has-been, never really was deadbeats during the commercial breaks.  I mean, I worked for Tesco, I work for Premier Inns what more do I need to do to prove myself as a wossaname,  I am actually the king of the TeeVee sandwich-board men,  I can advertise anything, as long as I'm not asked to do anything connected to acting or making people laugh.  Or even think. C'mon, all my fans, I know kiddy-beasting is important, and managers bunging each other massive sums, and  the PBC News department just being a govament press office but Lessgetreal, people, none of these are as important as me not being on telly all the time, are they?


Caratacus said...

"... an Oxbridge hottie like Dawn French .."

Totters off in disbelief towards the drinks cabinet. "Hottie"? Ye gods and little fishes.

Mind you, it does remind me of a story told by Barry Cryer regarding a well-built lady who was striding past a pet-shop on the high street when a large parrot, which had been posted outside on a rare sunny day, squawked, "Cor - you're a fat lass". The lady marched into the shop and bollocked the manager who apologised profusely, and told the parrot to shut up on pain of having his beak sellotaped if he did it again. Later that day, the lady had to walk past the pet-shop yet again, and eyed the parrot forbiddingly. She had almost passed the bird when it whispered, "you know what I'm fucking thinking don't you?"

Well I laughed :-)

Alphons said...

I suspect what "success" he had was because of, rather than in spite of, his much self flaunted ethnicity.(much like his Barnsley predecessor)

call me ishmael said...

I loathe him. I hope he shits his liver out and can't get it back in.

I have known a few black activists, some of them have been tremendous, bold, principled people, an honour to know; some of them have been cliche-spouting careerist arseholes, people like Darcus Howe - is he dead yet? - some are worse than that, Diane Abbott, she's about as black as that cunt Henry, perhaps they might marry, what a pair they would make, two obese entitlementistas, Uncle Tomming their way around the studios, having their Jamaican Ginger Cake and eating it.

Anonymous said...

Mr Ishmael,

Darkus shuffled off a few years back, thank goodness. Ungrateful, rabble-rousing bastard.

Mr Henry is where he is today, a multi-millionaire I'll wager, because of prejudice. Prejudice that demands a certain amount of blacks in BBC progs, prejudice that states a man's talents, or lack of them in Henry's case, are secondary to his skin colour.

If one were to reverse the races, and have a white man constantly pissing and whining about how shit it is to be horribly oppressed by racist blacks, and what a hard life he's had, and poor little me, feck, he'd be shot down in flames, never work again.

Whenever someone is a git to me, I do not automatically think that it must be because of my accent or skin tone; I usually think it must be because the other bloke is a git. I occasionally consider the possibility that I am the git, but usually dismiss that idea, as men tend to do. But blacks have a get out jail free card, quite literally in some cases, with the colour of their skin, and boy, don't they know it and boy, are'nt they encouraged to use it? Shit at comedy? It's because the audience is racist! Feeling oppressed because your latest shit idea has been rejected, even by the scum at the BBC? It's those horrid racists, hideously white, they are.

Never enters his head that he's a talentless nig nog.


DtP said...

I don't hate the guy because when I was about 8 his 'comedy' was quite funny and it's only been ever since, yer know, I hit adolescence that I realised he was shite. However, if shite bleeting from the sidelines is now to be considered a crime then we'll have to up the piano wire production schedule.

I think his problem is that he knew he was shite - he started off in kids TeeVee which was exactly where he should have stayed but for reasons over which I have no interest he got given a gig as a comedian. However, when you consider that Jeremy Hardy is still drawing a wage from the PBC and he's never been funny to any 8 year olds (Yewtree excepted) then Henry's whinge seems a trite concern.

Stephen K Amos would get the bullet before as would Gina Yasharay (sp) because it would appear that Henry has had a career arc - he's moved from pointless telly to decently reviewed plays and stuff and, well, fair play to him I guess.

French & Saunders were never ever in any way remotely funny and yet they had that smug level of 'ooh, aren't we clever' type comedy which is pathetic and they cribbed millions out of the Beeb.

I'm not standing up for Henry but merely from rememberance of my 8 year old self - he was at some point amusing and the same can not be said for vast legions of the rest. Hmm...not totally sure i've convinced myself but seriously, Stephen K Amos is masochism whereas Henry's just boredom.

call me ishmael said...

I more or less agree with both of you. It is an inverse racism that has propelled the otherwise charmless, unfunny and untalented Henry to whatever position it is which he imagines he occupies.

And Jeremy Hardy, like so many, many others, does seem to have a job for life at the BBC. The one good thing one can say in his favour is that he was sacked from the Guardian because his column was deemed too political - I believe he was not exactly a Provo mouthpiece like Ken Livingstone but a fierce Republican supporter and at the Guradian, as we see, they only favour rich criminals like Chris Huhne, limp environmentalistas like Georgio Monbio; limp chanpagne socialists like Polly Toynbee and complete arseholes like Charlie Brooker, a man who, from MediaMinster fence-sitting must have an arse more bruised than that other licensed fool, Hislop.

But balanced as I try to be in these things I cannot share mr dtp's sentimental approach to Henry for two reasons. The first is that even if, when you were a child, he made you giggle, you should now put away childish things; he perpetually used his race to his advantage, stereotyping of black - or any - people - is wrong even if a black person is doing it in a funny voice and a funny costume, it's Gollywogging, I am not being prudish or po-faced, I think Henry was far worse than Bernard Manning, who was at least occasionally funny and he should be ashamed of his younger self. The second thing is, and it's almost no longer worth saying, that either you are an artist or you are a salesman, you can't be both, and he is most definitely, again, like so many, the latter. I'm with the late Bill Hicks on this matter - if you're in advertising crawl away and kill yourself.

The overall situation vis a vis those we term blacks is not, I believe, as mr vincent portrays it but I think it certainly applies to Henry, but then that is what he would expect of me.

I have moaned for years now about the shameless indulgence of Oxbridge at the PBC- Jennifer Saunders, Dawn French; Sue'n'Mel, Marcus Bogbrush; the Pythons, the hideous Fry and Laurie, there are dozens and dozens of them, sneering, being clever, as funny as cancer and no more challenging for members of the charmed circle than a rite of passage; makes David Cameron'a cabinet look like a model of equal opportunities selection.

Pianowire manufacture is, I am sure, nowhere near what it ought to be.

call me ishmael said...

Must be another Darcus, mr vincent, Howe is still alive, aged 71.

Anonymous said...

I sit corrected, Mr Ishmael. Was sure he'd snuffed it. Wishful thinking, probably. Comoonitee leederz really get my goat. It's a cliche, but for a good reason, 'If you dislike it here so much, if you are so oppressed and hated, why not piss off back to Jamaica?' Lets see how respected you are there, when you try and tell Leeroy about his character defects. Please don't ask for credit, as a machete often offends.

As you mentioned, the morbidly obese Diane Abbopotomus is just nauseating. She has made outrageously racist statements, as a Gov Mininster/Shadow no less, but gets away with it because she's black, plain and simple. She is a one woman walking recruitment campaign for the KKK, oozing self-righteous smarm and never failing to piss on the country and people that have made her so disgustlingly fat. HTF she got to be Shadow Minister for Health...

Not really bothered about gollywogging, or honkeying, or any other stuff like that that some people get the hump about. If people don't like it, don't watch it. People react in a pavlovian fashion to all sorts of stuff nowadays, particularly jokes that are perceived to be racist/sexist/gayist. I guess that's why some 'comedians' do it. But, for me at least, there's a difference between generalised Paddy or Sambo jokes and specific piss-taking, singling people out in a spiteful way, whilst trying to pass it off as funny. That horrid Brand fellow seems to delight in talking provocative tosh, being rude and disrespectful cf. Sachsgate. His arrogance and disrespect at Parliament deserved a good smack, see if he thinks he's witty then. But why Parliament would want his opinion on anything I don't know. He seems to only direct his filth at 'right on' targets or little old men that are unlikely to punch his lights out. How he has managed to get to his stage in life with a full set of intact teeth I'll never know. An aberration soon to be rectified, let's hope. He really is a cock. And Ross. And... ad infinitum

If only Messrs Henry, Woss, Brand and their ilk were exposed to the realities of the market, and not cossetted by the beeb with oodles of licence fee cash, they would have had to chuck it in and get proper jobs years ago, thus sparing us whatever form of comedic genius they currently tout, as well as the insidious drip, drip of their socio-political diatribe, poorly disguised as wit.


Anonymous said...

Mr Ishmael,

'...but then that is what he would expect of me'

Me, or Henry, doing the expecting?


Mike said...

I have to admit I liked Bernard Manning. When I was a student at Manchester (UMIST) sometime at lunchtime we would go to his club. For 1s 3d you could get a plate of hotpot a drink and listen to a turn from the great man. Got us out of the freezing cold, and better than the alternative of listening to Jack Straw at the students union.

Dick the Prick said...

Has Mr Mike torpedoed the whole thing - if you're gonna be a comedian, bring the fucking funny - it's in the job spec. I'm good to go on racism, stereotypes have comedy. It's the indecent offence that often seems galling. It's fine for a nigger to call a nigger a nigger but a white boy does that and all hell breaks loose - item 1 - 7 on the agenda now taken up with bullshit issues rather than whatever the fuck the meeting was about. Henry put his ass out there and has done good stuff for comedy relief and uncle tomism but he fucking chose it - not my fucking business. Chris Rock uses the same schtick and it plays to a fucking audience.

He just ain't funny - that's his problem. Richard Prior was funny, Eddie Murphy made good films (Coming to America & Beverley Hills Cop 1 are decent flicks) but Henry feels like bubblegum. Kenny fucking Everett - really? Fuck off. He did a tank driving over cars to get a parking spot and that was it - silence.....

Henry's entitled to his whinge. Paxman's getting shunted out of Newsnight because of a wonderkind teenage editor and he's gone loco too yet it's almost silence. I'd be relatively relaxed about Henry round kids - he doesn't appear paedo - but Manning? Yeah, a little bit!

Marcus Brigstock - forgot about him. There are degrees of shitness and Henry should be ashamed of himself but he's got TISWAS and Ketanga TV and that's not too bad. Brigstock got the gig because his brother's an exec producer which straight inclines parental oversight & connexions but he is so talentless it offends all value.

There's a pitch to get Doreen Lawrence as Labour candidate for the London Mayoralty and, bless her cotton socks, she's hard as fucking nails but she can't speak, read, analyse, report, administer, adjudicate or prioritise. I ain't being racist, it's just these things matter. Henry's a dick but why not be angry and if racisms his thing, cool beans, certainly ain't for laughs!

call me ishmael said...

You, mr vincent, you know I'm little better than a wet liberal, even on a good day.

call me ishmael said...

I saw him once on telly, mr mike, Manning and he made me laugh out loud and then I saw him another time and I was a bit disgusted.

Ever since I have been online, as stanislav, as ishmael or indeed in various other voices, I have tried not to use the space as a bully pulpit, singling out individual ordinary people for scorn or lampoonery, I don't even like to delete people, much less pre-view their comments but I saw Manning single-out an ASian guy and I thought it was dreadful - so, although I wouldn't have banned him I had some doubts about him, eowuldn't put it any stronger than that; comedians ARE shit aren't they and I think on balance I would have chosen a Manning gig over, say, a Bob Monkhouse one.

Alphons said...

" Anonymous DtP said...

I don't hate the guy because when I was about 8 his 'comedy' was quite funny a"

That was because his mental age was about 8...and still is.

call me ishmael said...

You said a mouthful there, mr dtp. I didn't know about Paxman but I'm delighted to hear that he's going, even if he is as rich as Croesus on my license fee. He should've been sacked years ago, talk about a onee-trick pony, Christ, the avergae blogger has more journalistic skill than that prick, interviewing his chums.

I place the nigger word in the mouths of others almost daily so I guess that makes me bad, even though it doesn't. You won't remember the great Lenny Bruce, mr dtp, but he used to say that he used the nigger word all the time, and the kike word and the yid word so that maybe one day some little black girl'd go home or some Jewish girl'd go hime without having been made to feel bad by just a fucking word having been used against her, he was trying to unilaterally disarm words, Lenny, that's why they called him a sick comedian.

Lenny Bruce, though, is gone and we are left with shrewder shockers, people like Rock, who makes me uneasy, I found Prior a bit near the knuckle, too. I, you will remember, am a Zen-Presbyterian-Marxist and I don't like all that pussytalk he did.

I quite liked the Murphy films you mentioned in much the same way as I quite like the Die Hard films, harmless hokum but he's no comedian, Murphy, rather he's no Fool, whispering in Power's ear.

I don't think any of our funnymen and women, aside, perhaps, from my friend stanislav, have been engaged in laughter for Good, they do it, all of them, just for profit. I know that sounds monstrously egotistical but stanislav made people all over the world weep with uncontrollable laughter at the doings of MediaMinster, he made me weep and I knew him better than anybody.

Given his artistic irrelevance, what, therefore, apart from his bank balance entitles this oaf, Henry, to his whinge? What gives him a special complaint against the PBC? Why him amd not all those beasted by Savile and Co? He is not entitled to his whinge, he is entitled to think, fuck me, on a very tiny talent I have made a fucking fortune from the BBC license payers, maybe I should fuck off and do a proper job. Do just one good deed before I die.

I don't know if or how mr mike torpedoed the whole thing by citing Bernard Manning, I don't think he did, mr dtp. And you know how we feel here about the wretched Mother Lawrence and her bloodsucking sponsors.

That leaves Bogstick. I didn't know he was thus connected but there's all sorts I don't know. I do know, on the subject of celebrity, that I am bewildered, anew, by the funeral of broadcaster, writer, commentator and socialite commentator Peaches ShitForBrains and her choice of mourners. There must be a world of filth and privilege and unspeakable vileness at which we can only guess.

call me ishmael said...

"That was because his mental age was about 8...and still is."

That'll do, mr alphons, throwing his toys out, is what he's doing.

Dick the Prick said...

Marcus Brigstock got given a total rip-off of Jon Stewart's Daily Show as headline on PBC4 and fucked it up. 2 seasons that ran for. I watched them all, dude. They were rubbish.

I, too, am furious. That doesn't change much. Gordon Brown said 'hiya' today! and the band plays on...

Anonymous said...

I think very highly of you, Mr Ishmael, far too much to consider you liberal :-)

George Carling was good,, really good, when he wasn't smashed, which wasn't often. He was funny, but as he got older he seemed to concentrate more on how much people were being shafted by power, and teying to wake them up, than make them laugh, but neverless, a funny guy, as the yanks say.

You'll probably think me a bit childish, but I always found Tommy Cooper amusing.


call me ishmael said...

NO, I only had to see Tommy Cooper to start laughing; saw the last ten minutes of his biog on PBC last night and I do wish I hadn't. I loved him. He wasn't, though, comedic in the reformative or illuminating sense of Lenny Bruce, Jackie Mason or that satirist bloke, wossisname, gave it up when Kissinger got the Nobel Peace Prize, I forget his name, But it has always been the Americans for me, who do good comedy. I could watch John Cleese, Morecambe and Wise, Dick Emery, Frankie Howerd, Ben Elton, Frank Skinner, Peter Kay, Jimmy Carr, Sean Locke - Oh, hundreds of the fuckers, I could watch them for a million years and never crack a smile. Dylan Moran can be amusing, maybe, refreshing, oblique but he knows enough to keep himself scarce.

call me ishmael said...

He only saidd Hiya up here, though, didn't he, Mr Snot.

Wouldn't get up and speak in parliament, like we pay him to.

Every time that any one of the Better Togetherers opens his trap it means more votes for separation, borders, passports, visas, armed guards and almost instantaneous poverty. So in that sense, maybe the band doesn't just play on, mr dtp, but quickens to a devastating crescendo.

Dick the Prick said...

3 cheers to Stanislav, hip hip get in! Thankyou. Thank you ever so much

Dick the Prick said...

It's just government by cockfish. How come with mass knowledge of data mining, fuck all happens? Can't cure stoopid

Caratacus said...

Ref: Kissinger, it was Tom Lehrer who gave up satire in despair.

callmeishmael said...

That's him, clever, wise and talented, Lehrer. There is a young guy in that mould, Tim Minchin, who does satire at the piano but he's a bit over exposed and precious, still worth a look, though, he's all over youtube. He makes Bill Bailey look like Bill Haley. Minchin is a most accomplished musician, observer and gadfly, the best of a pretty awful generation.

Anonymous said...

Lenny Henry played a drug addict in a film in which Robbie Coltrane played a social worker. Must be twenty years ago. The reason I remember it was because I was surprised at how good an actor LH can be. Or could have been, Chef! was so terrible and embarassing. But LH was in some show in an African slum and he did actually come across as a caring man. He bought a struggling family a house with his own money and seemed genuinely moved at the plight of those with SFA. So a tool, arguably, but not a cunt, and he did exhibit a flash of genuine acting talent.

call me ishmael said...

It depends upon from where you start out arguing, mr anonymous, that he's a cunt. I always argue that none of us should be judged only by the worst thing we ever did and I daresay that Henry, like most of us, will have done his share of good but unlike most of us has been able to trumpet his worthiness from the tinsel towers of showbiz. That his childhood career was cuntish few would argue about but may still forgive him his youthful ambition. His acting career is dismal in the main and such as it is its existence will be due to connectedness of one sort or another or just due to celebrity.

My main complaint about his latest breastbeating, though, is its self-centredness, the problem with the PBC is not that it doesn't employ enough ethnic minorities or disabled people but that it is rotten from top to bottom. It's not just Savile but sticking with that for a moment Henry has been in showbiz long enough to have known and kept silent, like the rest of them; Henry is not one of us, angry at them, he is one of them, angry at us, in my judgement that makes him a cunt.

Anonymous said...

Fair enough, I panned for gold and ignored the gravel. Anyone who takes the side of an organisation that demands funding on pain of possible imprisonment is by definition a cunt, even before we scrutinise the conduct re: J Savile et al.

callmeishmael said...

It is good, generally, to strike a balance in judging others but only when their is a reciprocity of compassion, mr anonymous; the cabal on the fringes of which Henry circles would do far worse than imprison us all, and may yet so do. Call it what you want, I call it MediaMinster but we all know it to be organised crime, run for the benefit of a charmed but diseased circle.

call me ishmael said...


Dick the Prick said...

Soz about getting wasted.

mrs narcolept said...

He must be very annoyed about Usain Bolt getting the Virgin Broadband gig.

jgm2 said...

He must be very annoyed about Usain Bolt getting the Virgin Broadband gig.

A little bit of wee came out.

Fucking genius.