Tuesday, 1 April 2014



Hague and Cameron, the Russians'll be shitting themselves.

Not bring a pretty young friend along, William?

Aye, David, he's in the baggage hold, just 'til the press're gone.
Quite right, quite right. Give him one for me, eh, there's a good chap, a quick First Class Honours up the Bullingdon. And maybe you could mention the baggage hold thing to Dr Cocks, I mean Fox, woulda saved us all a lot of trouble.

 Is that where Russia is, then, Gosh, no, I was away for geography.  And history. And probly english, too.  Oxford? Oh, a smashing time, bit like your Heidelberg, pigs and perverts and Nazis and bullies, great stuff.

The idea that any president  - never mind PsychoVlad - of Russia, which lost twenty million souls in the Nazi war, would give a flying fuck about anything that the grotesque Frau Lardarse had to say  for herself is preposterous but not as preposterous as little boy lost, here, clinging-on to his foster mother, whispering foolish threats to the Russian grown-up.

Now look, let me be clear to you both. As President Roosevelt said, we shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in Sainsburys , we shall fight them in Starbucks, we will never surrender, Shall we, mr president? In the words of the great Lee Harvey Oswald Mosley, Give us the job and we'll break the tools, that's the motto of my unelected govament. Give us the job and we'll break the tools.

But lessbeclear, I believe in NATO and so what I think we should do, begging your leaderships' pardons, is that I send in our Light Brigade, oh, no, we do still have one, doing a magnificent professional job, guarding Her Majesty and her simply splendidly huge family, and great value, too, I must add, splendid, like any parasitic infestation, you don't miss 'em til they're gone, eh; anyway, I send them in, all fine strapping young men, calmly now, Mr Hague, - you know what happens when you get a taste for guardsmen's muskets,  they tend to go off in your mouth - send them in on their magnificent chargers, destriers we call them, Mrs Brooks and I, down in Cotswoldia, mustn't forget the stable boy, either, Mr Jerry Clarkson,  and then, when they've been gloriously wiped-out, you, Mr President,  can send in your glorious 101st. Airborne, you know, the ones that saved Private Ryan and if that doesn't do the trick  I see no reason that Frau Sourface, here, the Fuhreress, so to speak,  doesn't deploy the Waffen SS, whose brave members helped us out so much the last time Ivan was playing up. As I've said before about Mr Coulson and Ms Brooks and her husband and Mr Murdoch and Mr David Laws and my other good chum, the one with the I am sure perfectly harmless kiddyporn on his Downing Street computer, I am a forgiving sort of  chap and always prepared to give criminals a second chance.  The war was, let's face it, a big mistake, but America won it for us during the Battle of Britain, which, I firmly  believe, was the turning point and I see no reason why we shouldn't let bygones be bygones, after all, we politicians, we're all Nazis now.  You wouldn't believe the trouble I have with the untermenschen back home;  I don't mind saying that  that chap Hitler had some jolly good ideas about the disabled,  I mean, as Ubersturmbahnfuhrer Duncan Schmidt says, if they can't take part in the economy then what use are they?

I can run the whole operation from COBRA, which is my secret office, one in which I spend most of my time, what with the riots and the floods  and well, any excuse really, I expect I shall be in there during the upcoming EuroElections, the Scottish referendum, the next General Election and quite possibly beyond that.  As it is we ConveneAMeetingOfCobra almost daily, which, naturally, I chair, I am sure, your Lordship has a similar thing in the White House. I say, you haven't renamed it the Darky House, have you, and not told me.

Zis, zis is focking schidt, vot you are saying, nein?
'Salright, Angular, baby;  these Limeys, they all talk this shit.
The Motherfuckers of Irony's what they are.
Take this one, can't find his own dick and yet he thinks he's King of the Brits. And you should see his pretend govament - thieves, drunks, pimps, transsexuals and child molesters; shit-eating cocksuckers, most of them. Went to some paedo-finishing school,   sonsafuckinbitches, where they flogged each others' assholes with sticks and did  fuck knows what else to each other. All the top Limeys go there.


Da, here in Soviet Union ve shoot ze poofskis on sight,
unless zey are ze president .......

And  comrade president, the United Kingdom's hunky  foreign seckatry should also be exempt. Not, of course that I ever do dance the old balalaika shuffle - and I do have scans of my wife's uterus which I can show you, to prove it, they're here in my pocket -
but I say, by 'eck, lad, do you think we might work-out together, 'appen we might get a bit of a sweat on?


 Listen, you stuttering fucking slaphead, I speak perfect English,
how much Russian do you know?

Well, that is as may be, mr seckatry but I do have ay distinguished politcal career behind me.

William Hague?  World statesman?  Do fuck off.

And, if I may say so, 
I am ay  rather good judge of character.


No, no, peepulovbrittan, I simply say that violating the sovereign territory of aynother nation is simply unacceptable, even if it has been proved that they don't actually have weapons of mass destruction, or even if we believe  that we can believe they have them -  because Mr Campbell cooked up a pack of WMD lies with the head of unIntelligence -

A manic depressive, dipsomaniac, bi-curious psychopath;  
Campbell, a suitable case  for treatment.
And the PBC's go-to pornopundit; 'sabout right.
By treatment we mean hanging.

 even though we know they don't or even if they don't they might nevertheless  have them very well hidden, hidden in some place where they don't even exist,  that's how clever they are,  the nig-nogs;  they can have massive arsenals which don't exist and then, devilishly, in my view,  hide them in places that aren't really anywhere. Alright, look, I know metaphysics isn't my strong subject but I wouldn't lie to you, ask anyone who I give a job to, and so it's like this - they may not actually have had the WMDs but they might have had them and they might have hidden them somewhere where there aren't any places;  see, it's obvious once I set it out for you, like that, non-exostent weapons in non-existent places. And be under no wossaname, the Russians do pose a very serious threat to global humanitarianists, such as myself.  My staff, whose salaries, one way and another, you pay,  tell me that as many as no people have been strafed, napalmed, machinegunned, tortured, much less shockanawed;  

The Gospel of Humanitarianism according to Blair

Thank you, To-nee, thank you, To-nee.

Peace and blessings be upon you, To-nee.

And upon your children, yours and Imelda's.

And may your own God, of Abraham and Isaac and the Messiah, Jesus, cause his face to shine upon you. Blessed are the peacemakers.

so you can only imagine how that makes me feel. Not only me, but Imelda, too, yes and the kids.  

Tony and Imelda and spawn, looking upset at the lack of killings in Crimea. 
Children of darkness
A family of fuck-ups.

I don't mind telling you that we are all quite frankly, gutted at the thoughtless and selfish prevention of violence, at the almost negligible loss of innocent life in this so-called Act of War.  We are so distressed by the lack of carnage that Imelda was forced to humbly go in front of the cameras and pray for a Crimean mass morgue event.  

Holy Mary, mother of God
Send down  a plague of atrocities, tortures, renditions and  rapes.

War,  by the Russians, that's not  war, if you want war you need to come to the world's foremost peacemaker. It's OK, just go to the most heavily fortified hotel suite in the world and ask for Cardinal Tone,  the Beloved One. In the meantime, I'll see if one of my monsignors can hot things up a bit - Iran, Syria,  Ukraine, doesn't matter,  the waging of all-out peace can be done anywhere, anywhere there's defenceless people.

No, now  lemmebeperfectlyclear, the Labour Party which I lead, sort-of,  with Mr Balls-for-brains, will not be accepting any blood money bribes from Tony Blair. Unless, of course, we deem it to be in the national interest, which it will be. And if we do borrow some Blairbucks, we will pay it back the very instant we are found-out, just like Mr Gordon Snot did with that nice Mr Abrahams'  bung, I mean bribe, I mean donation. At least he said he would - pay it back -  but he never actually did.



"You just don't in the 21st century behave in 19th century fashion by invading another country on completely trumped up pre-text, (sic)" Kerry told the CBS program "Face the Nation."

No, course not, sweet thing, course you don't.

 MediaMinster reports on a commie mouthpiece spewing his vile bilge all over us.

"I tell you what is extreme and hatred: the Liberal Democrats being in a group in the European parliament constantly screaming out for us to go to war. I am sick to death of this country getting involved in foreign wars." 

 "The Liberal Democrats strongly supported the bombing of Libya with EU help and support that got rid of Gaddafi. Libya today is completely ungovernable and is frankly becoming a breeding ground of terrorism like Pakistan of North Africa. "The Liberals, again aided and abetted by the EU, wanted to arm the rebels in Syria because they did not like President Assad – not many people do – and they wanted to do that despite the fact that the extremists were infiltrating the rebel side." Farage accused the EU in Ukraine of possessing "an absolutely stupid, almost imperial foreign policy; like almost all empires [it] wants to expand and expand". He said: "It's given false hope to those predominantly Catholic, western Ukrainians, leaving them to rise up, topple their own democratically elected leader, and if you poke the Russian bear with a stick, he will react. I do not want be part of an EU that has an activist militarist and expansionist foreign policy." 

Well, not for the time being, eh, mateybloke? Go on then, just a pint, mind.


Alphons said...


I think it is time he took strychnine ...or his hook...or a long walk on a short pier.
He is as much use as a chocolate fireguard....but then that is what politics is all about....the blind leading deaf who in turn are holding out collecting boxes and collecting personal benefits.

call me ishmael said...

It is a rum place, is it not, mr alphons, this wilderness of mirrors? I believe no-one hates Tony Blair more than do traditional - proper - Labour voters and no-one hates Cameron more than do traditional - proper - Tories; once there was a genuine struggle between labour and capital, now, post-capitalism, in the modern age of state-sponsored usury, there is only a struggle for competing, gone-forever pasts.

All politicians being only careerist filth, those of us who remember a left and a right, who remember proper capitalism, a risk-taking industrialist or retailer, now have nowhere to go, save to this gabshite, on the shaky basis that, for now at least, he isn't quite like the others, although, give him half-a-chance and he will be.

Chocolate fireguard? Cameron isn't even as much use as one of those, is he? Chanced his way into Downing Street with the help of scum like Clegg and the harsh voice of skymadeupnewsandfilth's Rebekka Slag - currently starring at the Old Bailey - and then promptly cemented himself therein for five years, and the constitution can go and fuck itself ragged.

Semi-literate, oily PR prat becomes prime minister. You have to laugh or you'd cry.

Croatian said...

A blistering aserbic and entertaining read as always.

Oh how they must hate you?

Mike said...

I admire your fortitude, Mr I, chronicling this absurdity. Have you thought that this may be adversly affecting your health? It affects me, just reading it - and there must be 1000 times more emotional effort going into writing it.

yardarm said...

Cameron, Hague, Merkel, Ashton, Barry Autocue ? Putin wakes up laughing, farts and goes back to sleep.

call me ishmael said...

it's just physicalised thinking, mr mike, externalised thinking, looking for a rhythm or a rhyme. I have mentioned to mr tdg, when he has talked of more formal writing that I just consider these commentaries to be a form of street singing, busking, the doings of a jongleur, a jester, a Fool, no more than that but no less. And the act of writing it down a) perforce makes sense of it and b) purges it a bit; no use just talking about it. I do believe that writing, if that's what you want to call it, is good for the mental health. Don't forget that I live in the healthiest, cleanest place in the UK, on the edge of a quiet shore, watching the planet turn, a glance through the window is enough to lift the spirits.

Mike said...

I understand, Mr I, but don't you wish your world and your mind was absent this shit? I have some demons which torment me in the night, but I have tamed them by saying WTF! I realise this is a cop out, but truly this is a King Canute event - can we stop the tide?

call me ishmael said...

Call me a cock-eyed optimist, mr mike, but if you trawl the comment boards of any British newspaper you will find an overwhelming, hundred to one majority of commenters who feel as strongly as do I about the cancer that is MediaMinster, about the characters and about the very 'paper in which they themselves are complaining. Many, it is true, see Farage as Saviour and for them there is no help, the best that can be said is that they might rattle the cages of Filth, others, though, embittered by the expenses scams, the wars for personal profit of Blair and Co and the utter unspeakable vileness of the likes of Vaz are, I believe,unstoppable, change must come. Maybe it'll be incremental, as with the abolition of slavery, the enfranchisement of women, health and safety legislation, a national health service. Things ARE better than they were, that Filth still runs the show does not mean that we should abandon our harrassment of him. Not now that we have the internet. It was the cruel ribaldry of the 'net, after all, which unseated Gordon Snot, it was IT which made available the MPs expenses scandal; Edward Snowden who revealed Uncle Sam's stasi-state.

That some will still vote for Cameron and Clegg and Miliband is disheartenting, but they will be fewer and fewer until somethng better emerges.

As I used to say at the PizzaHouseOfBlood, pamphleteering, lampoonery and satire are in and of themselves established, effective and worthy instruments of dissent. But they can grow samey and irrelevant and If, of course, you don't want to read this any longer then that's fine, too, it's not the fucking army.

Mike said...

Good to see the fire in your belly Mr I.

Mostly, I feel similar, but there are days when the spirit weakens.

Just recently, though, I have become disheartened - maybe its because my back is aching from playing golf.