WHAT THE PAPERS SAY, DON'T MENTION THE WAR.

Army faces Afghan gag for election

The Ministry of Defence has been accused of ordering a “truth blackout” over the war in Afghanistan amid warnings it is attempting to “bury bad news” during the election campaign.

FROM THE DAILY FILTH-O-GRAPH MAY 7th 2010


Speaking to the Daily Filth-o-Graph, the prime minister, Field Marshal Snot, said that during the upcoming election of himself as life prime minister there would be no news coverage of the war in Afghanistan or Somewhere in Asia as it will be known henceforth.

We are not at war, said Snotty, I simply don't accept that. We have no troops deployed and even if we have it is the right thing for the country not to talk about them, even though there aren't any and if we had have been at war I would definitely not have refused the troops any requsts for extra corned beef but would have given them due consideration within the constraints of the budget which is the right thing for the country.

In the war, continued the horrible fucking bastard, which is not happening in the run-up to my election, reporters formerly embedded with the troops will be thrown out of bed, apart from foreign reporters who will not be covering my re-election; they can stay in bed with the troops, which is where I wouldn't mind being, if only I wasn't so busy running the country and the war, which is not happening and therefore mustn't be reported. The war was started at the right time, it was the right decision, for the right reasons and it never happened and certainly is not happeneing now, not until I am re-elected prime minister, which I haven't been in the first place but it doesn't matter because it is the right thing for the country. Like not having a war somewhere else so's the terrorists can shoot British soldiers on their home turf thus saving them the airfares from Somewhere in Asia to London Heathrow which can be quite expensive and is another way in which I am relieving debt in poor countries along with my good friend Lord Geldof of the Boomtown Shits and his lovely wife, Paula, although I prefer the Antique Monkeys, myself. It is only by not having a war in somewhere else that we can keep terrorism off the streets of England and get me re-elected.



Field Marshal Snot at the Edinburgh Military Tattoo, perorming the old Scottish air, There Ain't Nothing Like A Gangbang to Blow Away The Blues, D'ye ken?

It's not bloody fair, said Brigadier General Rupert Golightly-Jockstrap, I mean what about my career as a pundit? I could be on WarTime with skymadeupnewsandfilth morning, noon and bloody night, earning a packet, a general's pension is peanuts, y'know, I could be explaining the long-term strategy to all the unemployed, retired and Alzheimeric skyviewers, not that there is one of course and even if there was I wouldn't have a fucking clue what it was, no more'n the fucking prime minister, Snotty, what a fucking tosser, eh, wastea fucking rations, if he was in my regiment he'd go up against the wall, motherfucker.
That Kay Fright, though, wouldn't mind her giving me a good batman's spanking, what? Sassy minx.