SCOTLAND, BEST PART OF ENGLAND

Sir Alex Lard, of Donald Trunp, plc, Chief of the Jock Tribesmen, also part-time prime minister of Scotland, part-time MP and part-time MSP and full-time cross-dressing, obese, inebriate, wife-beating, gluttonous monster, poses in a neat,wee, below-the-knee, Jock S&M outfit, designed for the shorter man with the fuller figure and revealing a tempting glimpse of fetching white calf. The sporran, swinging gently against the genital area. adds a frisson of exhibitionisme-lite for those jaded with beating their wives, interfering with their nieces and nephews or brutally attacking their opponents in the sectarian divide which so characterises Salmond's Smart, Successful Scotland. Asked about this strange apparel one of the Tribesmen's spokespersons said it was a means by which Jock men could announce their manliness to the world, by dressing like big girlies.

Sir Christopher Kelly last week ruled, among other things, that MPs could not also sit in the Jock half-billion pound parliament, the one overseen by the BBC's grunting hunchback transsexual, Mr Kirsty Wark, off Newswank, the Corporation's sinking flagship nightly current affairs comic strip. This will be hard for Lord Salmond to take as he likes to watch the pennies, just in case he upsets his boss, Mr Donald McTrump, who owns Aberdeenshire, and is thrown off the US-owned McTrunp payroll. English readers will recall that the lardy wee bastard, living in a splendid palace in Edinburgh, charged them eight hundred pounds a month for his London food during the months when Westminster wasn't even sitting, not that he ever goes there when it is sitting; still, we are in a recession, albeit that the brilliant, trained economist, Salmond, didn't see it coming until it was here, at which point he of of course knew exactly what to do, the useless fat cunt and times being hard, he needs every penny from his three public sector jobs - the three salaries, the three sets of exes, the three pensions and so on.

When told of Kelly's ruling (itself subsequently downgraded to non-binding guidance, more of a suggestion, really) Salmond's sycophants said that Salmond was standing down from his Westminster perk at the next election, by which time he would have only been drawing his triple salaries for about three years. The extra food allowance, however, would have to be found from somewhere, a smug, wee fat fucker had to eat, after all, and the English had better stump up with some grub money, they had stolen his oil, after all.