Monday, 16 November 2009


Sir Alex Lard, of Donald Trunp, plc, Chief of the Jock Tribesmen, also part-time prime minister of Scotland, part-time MP and part-time MSP and full-time cross-dressing, obese, inebriate, wife-beating, gluttonous monster, poses in a neat,wee, below-the-knee, Jock S&M outfit, designed for the shorter man with the fuller figure and revealing a tempting glimpse of fetching white calf. The sporran, swinging gently against the genital area. adds a frisson of exhibitionisme-lite for those jaded with beating their wives, interfering with their nieces and nephews or brutally attacking their opponents in the sectarian divide which so characterises Salmond's Smart, Successful Scotland. Asked about this strange apparel one of the Tribesmen's spokespersons said it was a means by which Jock men could announce their manliness to the world, by dressing like big girlies.

Sir Christopher Kelly last week ruled, among other things, that MPs could not also sit in the Jock half-billion pound parliament, the one overseen by the BBC's grunting hunchback transsexual, Mr Kirsty Wark, off Newswank, the Corporation's sinking flagship nightly current affairs comic strip. This will be hard for Lord Salmond to take as he likes to watch the pennies, just in case he upsets his boss, Mr Donald McTrump, who owns Aberdeenshire, and is thrown off the US-owned McTrunp payroll. English readers will recall that the lardy wee bastard, living in a splendid palace in Edinburgh, charged them eight hundred pounds a month for his London food during the months when Westminster wasn't even sitting, not that he ever goes there when it is sitting; still, we are in a recession, albeit that the brilliant, trained economist, Salmond, didn't see it coming until it was here, at which point he of of course knew exactly what to do, the useless fat cunt and times being hard, he needs every penny from his three public sector jobs - the three salaries, the three sets of exes, the three pensions and so on.

When told of Kelly's ruling (itself subsequently downgraded to non-binding guidance, more of a suggestion, really) Salmond's sycophants said that Salmond was standing down from his Westminster perk at the next election, by which time he would have only been drawing his triple salaries for about three years. The extra food allowance, however, would have to be found from somewhere, a smug, wee fat fucker had to eat, after all, and the English had better stump up with some grub money, they had stolen his oil, after all.
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MrsMacnaughty said...

Mr Ishmael - do you need a hug? I am sending you a virtual hug and I am sorry for whatever it was that you made so bitter.

Although, you are eloquently,lucidly, lyrically bitter and very funny but clearly, very angry alot.

lilith said...

Of course he needs a hug, Mrs M.

But he's beautiful when he's angry...

call me ishmael said...

It hardly matters here but in your role as Defence Correspondent, Mrs M, you would do well to get your pronouns and verbs in the correct order; that way, people will at least have some idea of whatever it is that you think you are saying, y'know, defence, bitterness, whatever.

I am tired of being treated, lilith, like a sex object, like you, I didn't go to Warwick University just so's I could put up with gender stereotyping, fuck me, no.

claremacnaughton said...

I like to mix it up a bit. I am quite sure, I don't know what you mean, often. I think you are too clever for me, Mr Ishmael.

'I am a good girl, I am.'

Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters
Condemned by every syllable she utters
By right she should be taken out and hung,
For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue...
This is what the British population
Calls an elementary education...
It's 'ow' and 'garn' that keep her in her place,
Not her wretched clothes and dirty face.

Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
This verbal class distinction, by now, should be antique.
If you spoke as she does, sir, instead of the way you do,
Why you might be selling flowers too...

Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
Norwegians learn Norwegian, the Greeks are taught their Greek
In France every Frenchman knows his language from 'A' to 'Zed' -
The French don't care what they do, actually, as long as they pronounce it properly.
Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning.
The Hebrews learn it backwards which is absolutely frightening.
Use proper English, you're regarded as a freak.
Oh, why can't the English -
Why can't the English learn to speak?

mrs narcolept said...

I know there is horrible and heavy stuff occurring, Mr Ishmael, but, or perhaps so, some pictures of Mr. Buster (if he did not mind) would cheer the blog, and me, up a bit.

call me ishmael said...

Okay Mrs Narcolept, Buster is generous with his imagery, coming up soon.

woman on a raft said...

Did you know that if you sit but one term in Westminster, you are entitled to a juicy pension? I bet he sticks to that benefit in the small print, even if he gives up the wage.

Do not begrudge him but do not get too close to him. Our cunning English plan is to feed Salmond so much that he goes off bang.

call me ishmael said...

Yo, Mrs WOAR

Mr Henry McThief, the second of our first ministers and a NewJockLabour scion fiddled his officce expenses but even though he hadn't done anything wrong had to resign after but a few months in the job. Never mind though, he copped a full pension of heading towards a grand a week, so he won't starve, NewLabour in London also found him some taxpayer-funded work and travel expenses and now he's rehabilitated. Never did anything wrong, see, just a bit of a cock-up in the figures. The public sector, an open prison for white collar criminals.

mongoose said...

Jesus, the great chieftain of the pudding race. Ghastly bastard should be in jail.