OF ARMS AND THE MAN, A LUNATIC SPEAKS.

"I simply cannot support you while you are head of a corrupt government."
"But we've had the full and far-reaching cover-up into MPs expenses, what more d'you want?"

(Field Marshal Snot and Hamid the Pimp get their stories straight.)

We will not, cannot, may not, should not, dare not and fucking well better not fail in this mission to do whatever it is that President Obama decides to do. People imagine, Mr Tiny Speaker, that because of my stature on the world stage, that I am the Supreme Commander of the World's Forces, which I am, but since Mr Obama has ten times as many troops there as we do and we have to borrow bullets and helicopters off him we have to let him have some say. But I assure the house, Mr Tiny Speaker, that I am in complete control of Afghannystan and I will not put our people in Harm's way unless President Obama tells me to. Which he does, all the time.

I hear people's reservations about my brilliant campaign, Mr Tiny Speaker, which has lasted eight years and achieved fuck all, I hear their comments and in a democracy they are allowed to make them, so they should all fuck off to a democracy somewhere, not that they'll find one in Europe. They'll soon find that it's not all it's cracked-up to be, Mr Tiny Speaker, and I would like to inform the house, dah, dah, dah, dah, Mr Tiny Speaker that on Sunday we will be remembering the very brave men and split-arses who have died to keep our streets free for people, ordinary people, Mr Tiny Speaker, kept the streets free, Mr Tiny Speaker, for ordinary people to get shot and beaten on, yes, and Tasered, too, Mr Tiny Speaker, by the magnificently professional members of the local Lodge. And of course the magnificently professional members of the Chinese Secret Service, when they drop in to show us how it's done. And perhaps my friend, dah, dah,dah, my friend, Mr Tiny Speaker, in the Northern Ireland Assembly, Mr Kneecaps McGuiness. We will never do a deal with terrorism not even if it costs tens of thousands of lives, like Afghannystan will, and in the end we put the terrorists in government, which we could have done in the first place; we will never, Mr Tiny Speaker, never do anything like that which would betray our brave service men and women - British corpses in American coffins, that's what I promise - and that we will not make a deal with terrorists, even though we will. It is the right thing for the country. And I commend myself to this house, Mr Tiny Speaker. (sings in doleful, brown voice) To think, I did all that, and may I say, not in a shy way, Oh, no, Oh, no, not me, I did it my way...

Shouts: Siddown, ya mad bastard! Mad as a fucking hatter!

Mr Tiny Speaker: I think the Ayes have it, the Ayes have it.
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