Tuesday, 5 August 2014



  Due to the unexpected  departure of a (no longer) very valued  (not very good) team player, (Baroness Wogsi,) a number of vacancies has arisen in a group of otherwise stupid, incompetent corrupt and degenerate men (HM Government).

Successful applicants will be utterly stupid, speak like spiteful hairdressers or colonic irrigation operatives and will reflect the govament's commitment to gender tokenism.

Duties will include: talking like a redneck crow on Question Time; flouncing in and out of 10, Downing Street in short or split skirts and.......that's it, actually.

The successful applicant will speak fluent shite, hold no opinions whatsoever and must never disagree with the blokes who run things.  No muslims need apply.


Anonymous said...

Yes Mr I, she's "Pretty vacant". The Lords was a better place when they were all appointed by accident of birth rather than the current system of patronage, cronyism and tokenism IMHO..

On another matter will ye be watching the debate tonight (Fatman vs Captain Darling)? I'll have to stream it as they are not televising down here in Ingurland-Land. Unfortunately I'm in the wrong place and time to vote (like you I'm of old Scots ancestry but a few generations back now). Outrageous that Scots born UK citizens not currently residing in Scotland have been excluded yet someone pitching from Poland and residing for a few months can. The SNPeee efforts to rig the vote are an affront to democracy. I'm looking forward to your take on the 'debate' though in hope rather than expectation as it is always interesting to see which issue you decide to focus on. SG

DtP said...

I don't mind tokenism but ffs, there's gotta be some kind of entrance exam. What on planet fuck was she doing in the Tory party and wtf was she given the frikkin' Chair's job?

I fannied about in 'intelligence' for about 7 really odd years and it comes to something when I look back at Hazel Blears and think she was good. This Warsi woman had the strategic understanding of a fart in a lift. She was a failed PPC from Dewsbury and was thick as fuck at the start of it all. No cunt had ever heard of her and I gigged round Dewsbury then all of a sudden she's legendary - me no comprende!

She's a kid, she's a child - that's the beauty of losing campaigns, you get better but this lass was plucked out of all that character building shite. Sure, all parties operate rotten boroughs but if elected then their Assoc Chair & caucus can have a quiet word but this lass never had a constituent of speed dial, never gave a fuck about bins or hedges, schools or hospitals - nah, this dumb fuck had Cammo's fantasy land appointments office on number 1 waiting to be appointed Foreign Sec (if Spectator correct although sounds flummarious even by Westminster conceit) and quelle surfuckingprize - the phone never fucking rang.

The Israel thing is bad, it's bad - but if it's about numbers, which it is, or if it's about guilt, which it isn't - then it's up there on the list of 'what the fuck do you wanna do about it?' items. The Christians are getting slowly massacred and their number are greater and there shall be no biblical right of ownership on either side - there ain't no UN officers crying like total twats from their comfy press conferences in 5 star hotels.

Israel is still a very young nation surrounded by territories that are wrong, the tribes are amalgamated and they proper fucking hate each other. The whole region is fucked - Kashmir is where WW3 starts not fucking Israel. The problem with Warsi is that she ever got off envelope duty - local Cllr would have been it - backbencher, could speak the lingo, smiled when people were talking shite - Chair of the fucking Tory Party and Cabinet rank - yeah, yeah alright, no problemo! Pricks all round - good on her for resigning to make Cammo out to be the stupid cunt that he is but ffs, sympathy for that bird - she fucking blagged it like a shithead - cunt too.

call me ishmael said...

It is unilluminating so far, mr sg, neither speaker will change anyone's mind but the SNP crowd members are as coarse as you'd expect and likely to strengthen the No vote.

Anonymous said...

Bah! Can't watch it anyway. The SNP TV Player is fucked. Sums up the whole thing really. However this shambles may be counter-productive for the 'Caledonian Hitler'. Let's hope it is - otherwise it's lights out at 10PM and ration coupons for you Mr I (unless you have your own supplies up there in your 'fastness'). Or maybe we'll see something like what's going on in Ukraine with People's Republics, complete with men in camouflage, Balaclavas and AKs (OK shotguns maybe) popping up in the Borders, Shetland, Orkney and the Hebrides... But we lack a Putin down here, so all to no avail - unless... SG

Bungalow Bill said...

The Baroness' problem is that she is a gabbling halfwit. She rarely forms a coherent sentence preferring to engage in that vacuous non- speak, that evacuation of pre- formed focus group excrement which all ministers are obliged to perform. She owed her position to Dave's tokenism so that she could strike poses as the Tories' defanged Moslem. Like the discarded Gove, she is an emblem of our lobotomised society and government: a hologram created (self-created) for a vanishing instant and then switched off. Does she / did she exist at all ?

Anonymous said...

Well said Mr BB, I was trying to think of a way to describe the (in)articulations of the 'Baroness' and, I think, you have captured it. Somehow words always seem to be missing from her 'diction'. SG

call me ishmael said...

I have been trying to contrive a reason for Warsi acting as she has. She has no voting constituency of Muslims to mollify before the next election; she will have alienated many who might offer her work, post-parliament and she will forfeit a not inconsiderable salary and exes package. Maybe it is one of those moments, nothing became her more than the manner of her departure.

All that you all say is correct, of course, personally, she is an embarrassment to reason and intelligence; her appointment a cynical, tokenistic nonsense by an unelected prime minister whose own thickness grows visble by the minute. As mr dtp analyses, it even flouts what few rules of engagement normally apply in these situations.

Anything which disrupts the life of that hideous, conniving, deceitful, shitbrained, doughboy spiv, Cameron and his grimy crew tempts a smile from my weary face. A good day, I would venture, for us all; maybe, eventually, even for Gaza's Children of Darkness.

Alphons said...

I am extremely impressed by the way in which our Tony Blair has handled his duties as our "Middle East envoy",
A leopard never changes its spots.
I must admit I am also amazed that he is still alive.

call me ishmael said...

The debate went to Darling, by the way, and by a good head. Salmond was oiled into a shiny suit, had a new haircut and took to striding the stage, a bit, like he was Nick Clegg, but quickly dashing back behind his podium as he grew uncomfortable.

He wouldn't answer the most straightforward questions - from friend or foe - relying, instead on cheesy, sub-Braveheart, sub-Obama jingoism, his remarks a panegyric to his own stilted, bilious nationalism and on SeeYouJimmy insult, much to the delight of tribesmen in the audience, a gang which would make a threat out of the Sermon on the Mount. Some audience members described Fat Eck as snide, nasty, unpleasant and evasive. Takes a rare talent to place your correspondent on the side of the useless Alastair, Darling, but Salmond has it.

Nicola Moustache was punditing her own leader and just for once lowered her fishwife voice to a shriek, both he and she, Salmond and Sturgeon, looking like a busted fish, I mean flush.

Bungalow Bill said...

My suspicion is that her dramatic resignation was another gesture, this one from the dressing up box marked "courageous minister loses all for conscience and principle". She will find a fatly rewarded place somewhere in the Political Necropolis. Talking of the dead, I saw that repellent old twat and refugee of the Major car crash "Lord" David Hunt gurgling on the other day about some bollocks in a Bill, while two or three other old monsters snored and farted. He was a final joke chairman of the PCC wasn't he? Do these fuckers actually live forever nourished by the flesh and blood of the innocent? Just a suspicion.

Anonymous said...

Resigned because the boss is a bastard. Well done missis, walking away from that lot. Defanged? It seems that you don't need fangs to bite.

Caratacus said...

Look at me, squirming reluctantly in the unfettered adulation of libertarian bollock-brains ... who knows, I may be positioned outside No.10 one day, saying things like, "... where there is discord, may we bring Hank Marvin. Where there is error, may we bring Osborne. Where there is doubt, may we bring May. And where there is despair, may we bring Gove ..." And where there is misunderstanding may we bring Goebbels - I'm so sorry, I mean the latest SPAD who is still trying to get rid of his acne.

Anonymous said...

Meanwhile it is good to see that HMG scientists are doing their bit to tackle that Ebola outbreak:



call me ishmael said...

I was thinking about Tony'n'Imelda today, mr alphons, about how they gave Bribey Ecclestone a free pass on tobacco advertising in exchange for a million quid and then had to give it back, once he was found out, although still having to maintain the exemption position vis a vis F1 and tobacco advertising; there's something neat in Ecclestone having to pay sixty million pounds to spend his last days out of jail. Maybe the Blairs will suffer some similar reversa, temporal or spiritual, maybe his God will smite him, hard.

call me ishmael said...

Worse than Hunt, mr bungalow bill, is Tony Blair's flatmate, Charlie Falconer, trying to Lord through a euthanasia bill; bad enough that he was Lord Chancellor on the basis of croneyism, monstrous that he has a life platform to meddle in our lives and deaths.

call me ishmael said...

I think, mr richard, that Tory filth are all over MediaMinster blackguarding Warsi for a nasty black bint, so she must be doing some good.

call me ishmael said...

Where there is discord, may we bring Hank Marvin.... I like that, your majesty.

call me ishmael said...

That ebola link just brings me back home, mr sg.

Anonymous said...

Ecclestone - bribing his way out of a bribery trial - you couldn't make it up!... SG

Anonymous said...

A fine piece of Monkey Dust Mr I. I thought it was a dark satire on the Blair years but it serves just as well as prophesy for now. SG

call me ishmael said...

It was all good stuff, Monkey Dust, wasn't it, Family Guy for smart people. I will Google it more generally.

The whole Ecclestone story is mythic, isn't it; have you seen his wives; eight feet tall, they are.

mongoose said...

Well, she wasn't that bad, was she? Certainly, she allowed herself to be used as a token. More a token Northerner and a token Muslim than a token woman, I would have thought, but I am sure that her gender too was considered a happy coincidence. She seems to have been (although she is only politically dead) of pretty traditional Pakistani extraction and culture, and of the poor immigrant made good in a generation sort. So that is so far so good. Let us not cast any stones at poor folk getting to university and prising out a career from an unpromising start in life, or else where will we end up?

Alas, she fell in with bastards - haven't we all from time to time? - and the penny should have clanged into her plate when she was was enobled to get her in place without any of that having-to-get-elected unpleasantness. This was, I guess, at the height of the Great Let's-get-some-more-poor-bloody-Tommies-killed-in-Afghanistan Adventure and but a couple of years before the election. So a bit of Muslim this and that was sorely needed.

Let us hope that failing to get up the greasy pole any further was not the motivation for her to put the boot in but I suspect that it was. She has seen the writing on the wall and not for her the next twenty-five years fecking about in Whitehall lying and cheating to little purpose. This realisation comes not a bad second to principle in my opinion. At least she has trashed the pay-cheque.

I must admit though that I tire of the Israel/Jew hating spin that is being put on it already in the news and which once again rears its ugly head. What was it Father Diamond said again, Mr I? Hate the sin but love the sinner. We despise the slaughter of the innocent in Gaza as we despise the slaughter of the wrong type of Muslim that is occurring across northern Syria. And in a volume I would add that should make anyone's blood run cold. Iraq too degenerates into tribal mayhem, and Libya, and Egypt slipping that way again. We should ponder the old FCO adage that my enemy's enemy is my friend. Except of course when they are both my enemies. In which case we welcome them slaughtering each other as a sign that God has come to his senses finally and is once again to be found on the side of the righteous.

callmeishmael said...

That's all very sober and compassionate, mr mongoose and as I said I, too, am hard pressed to divine an obvious, cynical explanation for her self-excision from govament; we should not, however, wax over charitably as to her wider purposd. I thought, for instance that we agreed, you and I, that a career in public service was a contradiction in terms and one of Ruin's unchallenged, founding assumptions, a career in a political party is all the things we say it is, rather than being a service to others, her own prising out a career as you call it, in unelected politics is no worse than in the cases of hundreds of others but there is no merit in catching CallHimDave's eye and thereafter helping him proselytise his doctrines of greed and cruelty, whilst lining her own pockets with bent expenses claims. I differ from you, there, prising out a career in shitting on others is entirely blameworthy. That even such safeguards as mr dtp lists are ignored compounds Cameron's and Warsi's unsuitability, it is this disregard for probity lwhich led swiftly to the appointment of the criminal Coulson, to the councils of power.

I was perhaps disproprtinately irritated by her bone idle mangling of the language, which was not due to ethnicity or accent but to a couldn't care less, slobbish conceit. Take a look at her brief statement on TeeVee last night, if she speaks like a slob, acts like a slob and associates with slobs the odds are that she is a slob. It is a bitter irony that succeeding governments, both mantra-ing education, have consisted of ministers who, almost uniformly, know nothing of tense or article or even of basic sentence construction; Warsi was the most ruinous example of this reckless cultural vandalism and I would prefer never to gear her coarse babbling again.

As fof Jewbashing, I am simply trying to penetrate the fog of sanctimony which is spread over the vilest behaviours; that such are explicitly vindicated on the basis of ancient cruel, chauvinistic, racist patriarchy merits rigorous examination; that so many in UK government and opposition are in receipt of bent shekels - actually Uncle Sam's greenbacks - is scandalous; if being offended by these matters is anti-semitic, unfairly discriminatory, racist or proto-holocaustal then I'm your man, boychild. But they are not.

It wasn't Father Diamond, not in my NoPopeHere case, it was an earnest young probation officer, loving the sinner but hating the sin and it is one of ishmaelia's catechisms.

As for the FCO adage, I would substitute - I will treat my enemies' enemies on a case by case basis.

Geopolitics, realpolotik, these are sneery, superscilious words deployed by sneery, superscilious Whitehall trash and are shorthand for we haven't a fucking clue, old man, not a fucking clue but best send some of those SAS psychobastard chappies, just to be on the safe side.

Mrs narcolept fakes a disarmingly simple approach to all these noisy wogs - and the Jews, if not the Israelis, are just a sub-division of warring arabs ; leave them to it and insist that if they migrate to the Christian West they just have to abide, publicly and privately, according to our laws and customs. There, should thatbhappen there wooden be no need for Baroness Warsi, droppin' her haitches and slurring her words, norrinourcountry, chuck.

Alphons said...

" call me ishmael said...

The whole Ecclestone story is mythic, isn't it; have you seen his wives; eight feet tall, they are."

Does he still go round with his horse and cart collecting Tat?

mongoose said...

Yes, I could no longer remember the provenance of the sin/sinner dictum, and I stand corrected, Mr I. Though I am sure that we got all that mixed up in some previous tale of mischance - related hereabouts when the world was young.

I carry no sentiment of any kind for the Warsi person. I merely think that, yes, if she is among the less sophisticated of Westminster's scoundrel elite then that is probably a good thing. And I think that she got drawn into national politics by vanity, and small-town innocence, rather than it being just another ride on the Eton-and-Oxford-PPE escalator to glory. Just another not-a-hooker at the wrong gig perhaps.

But the Israeli thing makes me uncomfortable, although as discussed, their definition of self-defence falls just short of carefree bloodlust. It has been decided somewhere that the meme, as the children say, is that Israel is the villain of today's Middle East. My view is that we are witnessing a smokescreen. The illiberal gobs of Hampstead can sick up their right-on platitudes about Palestine and see them feverishly licked from the pavement outside Broadcasting House by ant half-educated media moron. In truth, the post-WWII settlement of the Middle East is being rewritten. The carve-up is being recarved - a corner here, a pipeline there - and the dead of Gaza and Assyria top and tail the near East part of the agenda.

Nobody gives a shit but a dead Palestinian baby in Gaza on the evening news will get you a £500 rant-a-gob, while a couple of hundred machine-gunned teenagers in a ditch in Aleppo will get not even a word. The daily Syrian massacres are not to be talked about. One would almost think that Hamas and the IDF have been issued scripts for this panto, and each will get their brown envelope at performance's end.

And allowing other interested parties to erode their blood and treasure while you stand on the sidelines and watch quietly is warmaking as the pros do it. The Brits have a long history and, poor Empire-less paupers that they are now, they were fucking masters of the art.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, the separation and suppression of news less potent is the hallmark of skymadeupnewsandfilth. Syria has had its moment and the news caravan moved on, like a thief in the night.

As for the rest of your comment, well, as Hillary says, it takes a post, on which I am working, mr mongoose.

yardarm said...

Agree with Mr Bungalow Bill that Baroness Karzi ditched the meal ticket for prospects of a better one, using her resignation on ' principles ' to head up charities, think tanks and other parasites. Probably end up working for Jug Ears on his fuckin` God Lines My Pocket charity.

Darling ripping Fat Alec a new one ? If the Banksters Buddy can claim to be the saviour of the union the Empty Suit Formerly Known as Ed Miliband might develop an infirmity of the ringpiece.

And Boris Cock is seeking to thrust his member into the body of the rancid old whore that is Westminster. Even more bad news for Wysteria and Pansy Face.

call me ishmael said...

Ah, yes, heading-up, forgot that one, like entering-into, the inelegance of the description mirroring the incompetence of the post holder/arsehole in question. And they'll take any old slag, the charities; Martin Neary, for instance, as head of thd prison service,, presided over the killings and suicides of countless young offenders and so he retired into Barnardos, the well known child abuse charity. Warsi only has bent exenses on her rap sheet although I suspect she'd drown in a think tank, norrinanyway suitable, for thinling.

My reading of it was that Salmond, himself, wrote the first cheesy sentences of his own obituary, he may bounce back but it's just that so many of the facts are incontrovertibly against him and no amount of spiteful joking or evasive grandstanding will alter them. They should send him and Nicola Moustache to Israel and put them on TeeVee, the entire population of the Middle East would hurl itself into the Med to escape their insufferable, jaundiced, I-Know-Best caterwauling.