Thursday, 6 March 2014



 Mr Tiny Speaker,
standing up pompously: 
 I call the right honourable lady, the home seckatry. Order...ORDER...ORDER. The right honourable lady will not get her kit off, however much honourable members beseech her.  I want to hear what the home seckatry has to say as I am sure do viewers of these proceedings, among whom honourable members do themselves no favours. (Sits down pompously)  

The home seckatry: 
Thank you, Mr Tiny Speaker. And I would refer the house to the remark regularly attributed to  the member for Ishmaelia - All Coppers Are Bastards.

Cheers, applause, waving of order papers.

Mr Andrew Mitchell:  Too fucking right, they are.

Mr Tiny Speaker: Order..ORDER...ORDER, I call the right honouable pixie woman,  the shadow home seckatry.

The shadow home seckatry, 
Ms Cooper-Balls-Double-Expenses. 
I thank the right honourable lady and would simply say, as would many people: What the fuck do I know about law'n'order ? Fuck all, that's what. 
Can I claim for this new suit?     
 Later, outside MediaMinster HQ.

Bastards, in unison: 
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, we'd like you to accompany us bastards down to the Yard.  Just for a bit of bastarding.  There's two ways we can do this, the bent way or the corrupt way; 'sup to you.     

Tiny John, darling...
Yes, dear?
Now she's been arrested......
Yes, dear?
Does this mean that I could be home seckatry?
Well, do you think you can keep your clothes on for five minutes?
Well, maybe for five minutes, Tiny John darling......
OK, I'll see what I can do.  Now, what about a bit of order-order, shall I fetch the ladder?

 And it's over now to Mr Andrew Hair-Transplant at the Daily What Passes For Politics

And this is the shocking news that police officers have told lies on oath, obstructed justice, interfered with witnesses and so on.  And I am joined here in the Daily What Passes For Politics studio by the capo di capi of the  Metropolitan Police Crime Families,  Sir Bernard Hagan-Daaz.  Sir Bernard, did you know I went to grammar school and then Glasgow University before spending many years sucking Rupert Murdoch's knob? 


Well, good morning, Andrew, and thanks for having me on the show. But to be honest whilst there is a criminal inquiry going on I simply cannot comment.  I am sure there will be a full and far-reaching cover-up, there normally is, of that I am quite confident and the public can be equally confident.  Mass shredding of  evidence?  Well, of course there was, 'snormal procedure, otherwise the courts and the jails'd be full of thoroughly decent, hard-working, wife-beating,  bribe-taking, sex-offending, protection racketeering coppers, although none above the rank of sergeant, obviously.  Mind how you go on the way home, now.

The view from Ishmaelia:
Unfortunately, the Stephen Lawrence show is no longer of much interest to the public, I am sure that - however well-disposed they once were -  most people will say, Oh, for fuck's sake, not that again;  bright,  A-level student Stephen Lawrence? Not him again,  not his Mum, not again, she's got a fucking peerage, why doesn't she fuck off?

There are hundreds upon hundreds of what are euphemistically sanitised as miscarriages of justice, jumbojetloads of people are killed in police custody and their deaths receive no scrutiny.  That the  Met at all levels is crooked should be no suprise to anyone and this endless farce is just a vehicle for whoever is the current Commisioner to breast-beat and babble that lessons will be learned, lines will be drawn, movements will be made forward.  This is all bollocks.  The lad was killed by  BeeEnnPee-ers and the investigation perverted by fellow-travellers in the police, ie most of them, business as usual. All Coppers Are Bastards.


DtP said...

Lady Lawrence or is it Baroness, it doesn't really matter, came to our gaff as some employee of the home office or something and apart from the fact that she couldn't string a sentence together also wibbled about such irrelevant guff it was relatively insulting. Apparently I was somehow to blame for her lad's death which surprised me - some kind of white guilt thing or something. Fortunately, her being such a VIP and so many politicians jumping upon that particular bandwagon did give rise to a bit of a do and the local curry house had been drafted in for the buffet which was awesome.

No one's gonna dispute that a grieving mother has the right to shout from the bloody rooftops that anyone / everyone are total bastards but simple repitition and genuine bereavement do not constitute enoblement and legislative oversight. A job on Loose Women or something, a heart wrenching interview with some faux concerned TeeVee hackette discussing torment, the brick wall of police accountability blah blah blah.

I dunno - to counterpoint your 2 recent threads - teacher suspended and soon to be sacked and struck off for a bit of sellotape and coppers accidently on purpose kicking the crap out of someone in police custody....silence. Geez, a quick google of any serious case review will give us 90% of the findings of this next review - maybe have to change a few dates, locations etc and then.....

call me ishmael said...

I always preferred her old man, Nevile, mr dtp, and I think from his remarks today that he agrees with me - bollocks, all of it, long-drawn out and meaningless; still it'll keep her profile, which you capture well, in the public eye.

The other thing about Lady Wotsername is that she gives hope to our friends, Gerry and Cilla McCann, one can easily see some cuntish govament ennobling them, for services to good parenting. Arise, Lady Doctor Cilla and No, you don't have to answer any awkward questions, not if you don't want to.

His honourable and learned grace the Lord Levison of Liverpool said...

Judge-led public inquiry? Don't make me fucking laugh. A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. That's a good one, that is. Find out all the facts A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

jgm2 said...

Mrs Lawrence is naturally very upset but for me the biggest miscarriage of justice here is the abolition of double jeopardy. For 800 years(ish) we had double jeopardy. The purpose being to stop an over-powerful state simply tying up difficult people with repeated trials for the same offence.

Deprive them of their time. Bankrupt them with the cost of defending themselves. Repeat.

But then, after 800 years, we have the most important murder ever. A murder so heinous, so unprecedented that we had to throw that protection out the fucking window.

Bull-fucking-shit. And the worst part is that half the fuckers in parliament are lawyers. They understood why double jeopardy existed. But they had to look concerned because the most important person ever to stride these shores was murdered. And the police fucked up. And they needed another bite of the cherry.

But it (double jeopardy) has only been repealed for 'serious' offences. Just watch as mission-creep eventually classes practically everything as a 'serious offence'. A gradual march through murder-rape-assault-burglary-shoplifting-speeding-calling a copper a cunt. Every step redefining the line of 'serious'.

Now more money being thrown at it as if Stephen Lawrence was going to rise from the grave if only we all wished for it hard enough and threw enough cash at it. Another Bloody-fucking-Sunday waste of money to try and appease some special interest group that will never be happy. Even if they get the 'answer' they want they won't be fucking happy.

The only ones who will be happy will be the judges and lawyers as they block out another two years in their diary at 2000 quid a day.