Wednesday, 12 November 2014


The news that a probe has landed on a distant comet has alarmed the Peace industry.

Peepul ov  Christian Earth, as your leading peace envoy,  I simply say,  that after my success, in the Middle East, where, y'know, lets face it,  there's simply never been, quite so much peace, I have, I must say, grave misgivings, about the comet landing. 

And I simply say to you, that those peepul, the peepul ov the comet, have, according to my best intelligence, intelligence, I might say, quite brilliantly invented, made-up,  no less, by  the world's leading bi-curious, manic depressive, dispomaniacal pornoghrapher and  intelligence expert, Mr Big Ali Campbell, 
ably assisted by the most currupt ever Joint Chief of the Intelligence Services, 
 Don't blame me, I just wrote what I was told, wouldn't you, for a knighthood?

Sir Johnny Scarlett-Liar,  I have intelligfence which proves, beyond a doubt,  that the comet-Islamists, have weapons of mass destruction,
 up there,  
 yes, up there, in space,  capable ov, destroying the Earth, within forty-five minutes, unless, I am paid, one hundred million pounds, cash, no cheques.  And a drink for Imelda, too.

Go on, Tony,  chuck, 
we can clean up on this one.

I simply say, peepul of Earth, 
that the galactic language of Peace is war;  total annihilation, it's the only thing that extraterrestrial things understand.
Kill! Burn! Destroy!



SG said...

A mighty feat though, landing a washing machine equipped with a Salter chemistry set on a million mile an hour comet. Interstellar eat your heart out. Probably cost less than the fully loaded 'lifetime' cost of the Kinnock family too - and there may be some benefit from it to boot.

call me ishmael said...

Mighty, indeed. If the navigation was all there was, that would still be amazing.

Just a shame we can't put these people in charge of seeing to it that the little brown children get a drink of water now and again, maybe a bite to eat, perhaps even an aspirin.

Bungalow Bill said...

Now we have the technology, we could have an annual and global round up of cunts and drop them off, permanently of course, on whichever space rock happens to be spinning by. FIrst Passenger: Branson R. The lists will write themselves every year.

yardarm said...

Kinnochio is just a cheap shitty career politico, a money grubbing bullshitting wastrel. But there is more than a whiff of sulphur from JugEars WarCriminal and his crew of familiars.

As for Branson, Mr BB. You`ll note he flew in his balloons, sailed his boats himself. Didn`t go up in the rocket ship. Not the fool he looks.

SG said...

Can't disagree with you there Mr I. Though both of these things should be achievable. The science, technology & people skills are there - but we have a mission failure. A failure of vision and leadership (though who am I to call the latter?). Or maybe its a failure of participation? As a civilisation we are so rich but also so poor. What is to be done? Lenin posed the right question though perhaps the wrong answer.

DtP said...

The navigation thing is pretty spectacular - the maths involved just flabberghast me. Bit of a downer bringing Blair into it. I hope it remains stuck to the thing.

call me ishmael said...

Sorry, mr dtp, you've been away so long, I'd forgotten your sensibilities.

It's just my instinct for et in arcadia ego - no matter how good we can be, we can always get worse, as we did, with him.

call me ishmael said...

Have you noticed, mr yardarm, how MediaMinster has contrived to make Snotty responsible for the sins not only of his own commission but of Tony's and Imelda's too?

Blair was criminal from his very first Ecclestone day and the pair of them never knew an honest day in Number Ten, whoring the office like none before or since, yet it has become 13 years of Brown misrule, not 3, as it should be.

That is why, mr dtp, I remind myself at every opportunity, mr dtp, of who was the real criminal; selling the gold and taking the Abrahams bribes, small beer, that, alongside Blair's rapsheet.

Caratacus said...

Those little brown children have been occupying my thoughts much of late, Mr.I.

When I see the banking cannibals stripping the carcase bare of every last scrap, as I listen to their apologists and lackeys trying to convince us that turds are honeycakes, I'm afraid I am becoming less and less forgiving.

Alphons said...

It is a great pity that Bliar could not have been on the device, along with several more who could do with the ride.

DtP said...

Wasn't there something about Derry Irvine, knowing of Miranda's preference, set him up with Imelda as she was so err..nakedly ambitious? Not lavender but just sulphuric, really.

That Saudi £41k per month + 2% commission deal that came out on Blair the other day was odd - who 'leaked' that? Presumably the Saudis and, I guess, it's done no harm as it's pretty low down the charge sheet but just odd for a dude so clouded, especially from his own, in total secrecy. Maybe he was playing both sides and those Muzzies aren't too impressed with being ripped off even by guys who napalm their kin - you gotta draw the line somewhere!

It's the vulgarity of it I guess. All Blair's doing is grubby little deals sucking any dictator's cock for a few million here, a few there. Whereas Major - who would probably have done Iraq 2 himself, fucked straight off to the Carlyle Group sucking George Bush Senior's cock and asset stripping every state funded idea in Britain, America and the rest of the fucking world to line their own pockets and run the fucking show. Why the fuck would he bother with commission there's genuine power to be had? Middle East envoy - oh, do fuck off - that's for second raters.

Hmm...Evan Davis' Newsround has just done the story of the comet for approximately 2 minutes and focussed mainly on some physicist's tattoo - high brow shit indeed! Geez, there's editorial bias and then just total bloody incompetence - utter, utter cunts.

call me ishmael said...

I understand that Evan's ascendancy is down to the popularity of his arse among execs, it surely cannot be his journalism, which is nowhere near even the standard of viz magazine. The trashing of BBC values is widespread, smug Eddie Mair on PM disappearing up his own arse, imagining he's a satirist, chairing his own version of the News Quiz.

All sorts of stories about Miranda and Derry, that fat lady cook, Jennifer, claimed to know the SP but died before revealing it.

He has already made an enemy of the House of Murdoch, Tone, if he makes one of the Sauds he might be in the shit, although either Bush Frere or Hillary Trousers in the White House would see him looked after for quite a while, yet.

mongoose said...

It is a fantastic, ridiculously impressive, mad scientist stunt though. Just a decade to wait and a billion quid spent and how will we make sure the bugger stays on the comet? "We'll have a wee downward rocket, Boss, to stop it bouncing and couple of harpoons to fire into it. Like Moby Dick, Sir." "What's the surface like then?" "No idea, Boss. It's still several squillion miles away and could be anything from porridge to porcelain for all we know." "OK, carry on but put a couple of Black & Deckers on the feet just in case all that goes tits up."

It makes you wonder too what is wrong with Mars that so many of the things sent there crash to disaster.

call me ishmael said...

It is magnificent and mad and the fact that it landed at all is enough for me. The obsession, however, with fifteen billion year old history seems both skewed and futile, vainly pursued for its own sake and more than a touch conceited; I suspect it is unknowable, save by sighing.

Doug Shoulders said...

This vehicle has traveled over four billions miles at an average speed of 28000 miles per hour for ten years on a solar powered fuel cell?
Where can I buy this technology so that I can use it in my car?.

Alphons said...

" Anonymous Doug Shoulders said...

This vehicle has traveled over four billions miles at an average speed of 28000 miles per hour for ten years on a solar powered fuel cell?"

Where were the traffic cops and their speed guns???

Anonymous said...

Perhaps brown children's parents could shoulder the responsibilty of feeding and watering their children?

Perhaps make things a bit easier if they didn't have 10 at a time.

Just a thought.

Doug Shoulders said...

They need ten children to ensure survival of one or two. African is bountiful of food and water. Except those places where the brown people have been forced to live. Blame those that keep African countries in perpetual debt.
Follow the money.
I hear Geldolf has been asked by the UN to help with their Ebola agenda. (Or so I’m told..I’m not that interested until it comes to my door…which it won’t except if delivered in a syringe)

How much does an immunisation program cost the NHS? Follow the money

Anonymous said...

Blair amazes me. With all of those thousands of Jacob Marley chain links he drags around the guy still wants to be 'popular'.

Short of curing 5000 terminally ill cancer patients with a wave of his hand at a mass gathering in Trafalgar Square I can't see it happening.

Even then it would be touch and go.


call me ishmael said...

There is no doubt that African leadership frustrates progress, mr anonymous, much of it installed, like the late Mr Saddam Hussein, by ourselves, and I feel it is a bit glib, therefore, for you to damn powerless parents for matters way beyond their control. And that is before we even consider the malign influence of Pope Frankie, the Anglican Community of Christ Cannibal, Bob Geldof and the Boomtown IMF and the CIA, all of whom act, notionally, on behalf of the Big White Father across the Sky, that is to say ourselves.

Bungalow Bill said...

Third World starvation is a consequence of the human will to power and the desire for more and more and then more again. Certainly, African and other so-called developing world leaders are fundamentally implicated because of their systematic corruption and stupidity but they are minions of the capitalist machinery which never stops devouring. Of course, Africa is now largely bought up by China, that standard bearer of truth and justice, disgusting fucking bastards. As Mr DS says, don't let these monsters off the hook. Pointing to overpopulation is a green-liberal cop out and is happily taken up by those who regard humans as commodities, to be produced and culled at a rate consistent with profit.

yardarm said...

Yes, Mr Ishmael, it does look like the melty headed one is taking the rap for a generations worth of bankster love, military defeat, Murdoch kneepadding and general bollocks.

Mr DTP, wasn`t Imelda fornicating with Irvine ? I wonder if DNA analysis of hers and JugEars sprogs would bear DNA analysis ?

Rosetta, the Mars Rovers, Cassini, Magellan, Viking, Voyager: like Apollo, Venera and trusty old Soyuz too: that`s what we can do, when we have a mind to.

call me ishmael said...

That is the rumour, mr yardarm, Derry and Imelda, although his permanenent interest was in the wife of stuttering Donald Da-da-da-da-Dewar, who never recovered his joie de vivre and spent the rest of his life filling his fridge with vols-au-vent and sausage rolls with which he had stuffed his pockets at official functions; the Father of the Scottish Parliament, 'sabout right. I never saw Mrs Dewar but Imelda was certainly unprepossessing and Irvine would have felt himself well shut of her. There are rumours about paternity, it is a fact that the BlairGirl attempted suicide and there was rumour, too, of a suppressed Primary Colours-style book, detailing Imelda's infidelity whilst in Number Ten and which might explain her financial insatiability and sticky-fingeredness, maybe she has demanded a high price of fidelity, or the appearance of it.