Thursday, 13 November 2014


An apology to the House.
I call the seckatry of state for incarceration, torture, and cruelty to  mental patients,
 Mrs Straight Simon Hughes.
Thank you, Mr Tiny Speaker, and, as ay  deeply committed polysexual,  may I say what a great pleasure it is for me to be on the front bench at long last. And how I have achieved this without compromising my principles, the reason being that like most, indeed, all members, I have none.

Cheers, waving of order papers, (singing) For she's a jolly good fellow or for he's a jolly good fellow or for it's a jolly good fe-el- low, whatever the fuck it is, whatever the fuck it is, whatever the fuck it is, fo-o-or she's a jolly good........

Thank you, Mr Tiny Speaker, thank you and I would like to tender to the House a full and unreserved apology.  I am sorry to report that some prisoners are still not having their mail and their telephone conversations with their lawyers copied, recorded and handed to the police.  Yes, yes, I know that this is an intolerable affront to members on all sides  - apart from those, themselves, in prison - but let me assure the House that, as a Liberal Democrat, I am committed to ensuring that aberrations such as this, euphemistically and variously described as human rights and civil liberties, are stamped out.  

LibDem activists gather for a meeting.

As Liberal Democrats, it is not what we stand for, it is not what we believe in  and it is not what we will tolerate.  A secretly surveilled society is, as Liberal Democrats, what we do believe in, as is, it should not need saying, the right of the state to ensure by any means possible the successful prosecution of those it doesn't like.  

And I assure the House, as a lawyer myself, albeit forty years ago, for five minutes,  that we will continue to insist that correspondence and conversations between an accused and his lawyers is obtained for the police by prison officers - if they can spare the time, of course, from running their  hugely profitable drugs business, for which they blame a permanent and  extensive network of super-intelligent, criminal  masterminds, active in every prison in the land, even though such masterminds can neither read, write nor add-up,  they can evade the most sophisticated anti-drug measures in the country, are clearly never released and thus stopped in their vile trade, relinquishing it, and  nor are their networks ever compromised. Members and right honourable members, it is, I freely admit, an incredible situation, one in which, in every jail in the land,  despite a revolving, transient inmate population, there is always available, within minutes, a supply of  every proscribed drug in the country.  It is something of which I, as a Liberal Democrat, am extremely proud,  that in the most secure locations in Britain, there are more drugs than there are on the street. And that we manage to convince people that it's the prisoners wot done it.

Peter Tatchell?  Sorry, never heard of him.

Never heard of him.  Never. And if I did, in order to get myself elected,  criticise him for being a poof, well, it's all bodily fluid under the bridge. And to continue, Mr Tiny Speaker, with my apologies, I must apologise for the embarrassment caused to our partners and ourselves by other events in the news. The House will have heard of investigations, somewhere up North, Consett, 

Medomsley Youth Detention Centre,
 a Tory flagship institution  of child cruelty  and pederasty, 
 another one.  
Police are investigating nearly a thousand allegations against staff and are promising arrests.

Viscount Cock.
 A disgusting old Tory ponce and his domina.

Yes, they love it up 'em, the lower orders.
Good for 'em, too. 
 Everybody needs a Willy, as my leader says.
Although I don't think she means up the arse while being held down by prison officers.
 But she might. 
She is insane, after all.

From blogsite, judge and juvie: Conservative Home Secretary William Whitelaw was the champion of the short, sharp shock detention centres but early in her career Thatcher showed her belief in the effectiveness of harsh punishments as a deterrent. In 1961 as an MP she used a speech at a committee meeting to break with the party position and argue for the use of corporal punishment (whipping with a birch) for offenders under the age of 21. She said: “In our desire for the humanitarian reform of offenders we seem to have lost sight of the purpose of criminal courts and the true aims of punishment.”

She added: “The method of a short, sharp shock—that alternative phrase so frequently used in the early days—no longer seems to be the aim of detention centres. It seems, almost imperceptibly, to have been modified.”

Anyway, Medomsley, Mr Tiny Speaker, in Consett, I believe it is called  - yes, yes, somewhere like that ghastly Roltherham place -   into what is called the historic sustained abuse of young people in one of Her Majesty's Youth Offender Centres, formerly known by all then in this House, and, I may say, known with great affection,

The Cottaging Grocer, Lord Leon and Lord Willie.

 as Short-Sharp-Shock-and-Buggery facilities, whereby as many as every single  child who ever   set foot in it has complained of being beaten and fucked up the arse by staff members.......

Leon Brittan meets young victims of his policies, 
I mean offenders.

Cheers, applause, waving of order papers, shouts of That's what we need these days!

........Well....well....I must say that, as a Liberal Democrat, 
 the abuse of young people in the care of the state is very close to my cock, I mean my heart.  My party has always been committed to such matters, 
their promotion and concealment from investigation and in,

Honourable members while away the time.
 I might say, the great tradition of my great party and it's distinguished former leaders, 

And you tell me, Cyril, that these boys seriously love being gang-raped by old men?
 By people in charge of them?
 Every fucking minute of it, lad.

Well, that's alright then. 
Just like a public school education, in fact.

That's right, lad.

 the House may be sure that I will work with every fibre of my being to ensure a full and far-reaching cover-up takes place.  It is the very least we can do for those hard-working drug-dealing, sadistic child molesters,  the prison officers,   who do such a great job on behalf of all in this place.

Those fucking little bastards simply did not know how lucky they were

 to have been selected as a brutal experiment by then members of the Conservative party,

Whisky Maggie with her friend and confidante.
All boys together.

a party  with whom, Mr Tiny Speaker,  we, as Liberal Democrats are so lucky to be in office, and with whom we share so much.
All that remains to be said, Mr Tiny Speaker, is that, as  a Liberal Democrat, I am determined that we will with all possible haste and diligence place the matter of another thousand or so children abused with the  beaming connivance of the Govament on the desk of whoever is the home seckatry, in order that they might lose it or, failing that, bungle the enquiry so often that people forget about it, yes, exactly like Chilcott. And I commend myself to the House.

Cheers, applause, throwing of order papers in the air.

They dug-up the corpse of Oliver Cromwell and hanged it, didn't they, just for killing the despised King? I wonder how we rebuke our own dead Villainy.

 I wonder what it  takes, to explode the myth of honourable and right honourable men and women;  must all our children be beaten and buggered  by vile men in high places, their cries bureaucratically sidelined?



Bungalow Bill said...

One of your best. No more to be said.

Caratacus said...

Agree with BB.

DtP said...

Bravo indeed :-)

Doug Shoulders said...

Estupendos Senor Ish muchas gracias

call me ishmael said...

That picture, of Ashdown and Beith, flanking Smith, tells you everything you will ever need to know about the Liberals, filth cossetted by hypocrisy. And this cunt, Ashdown, a man unable to keep his own smelly cock in his trousers now lays claim to the moral high-ground. May his arse fall out and he trip over it.

yardarm said...

Their terror increases as the pressure increases. Not just of the ageing perpetrators, now not far off having their collar felt by the Reaper but those on both frontbenches who have known, have colluded in the cover up as long as they could. Accomplices in noncecrime after the event. That's if they aren`t doing it themselves.

Woman on a Raft said...

I wonder what it takes, to explode the myth of honourable and right honourable men and women

The most important question you have ever asked, and the most difficult to answer.

call me ishmael said...

I'm sorry, mrs woar, that I didn't respond to your revelations about prosecutorial failures in Operation Ore but knowledge of them is part of what is behind the question for while parliamentarians are probably the greatest source of Villainy and Greed and Vice their coats are held for them by Chief Constable Slag, His Honour, Mr Justice Slag and Councillor Mr Jobsworth Slag.

On Optimism's side of the ledger, never have so many people known, in such detail, the sins of their betters. One hopes that when UKIP and the SNP are revealed to be as vile as the rest people will finally revolt into Decency.

Good to hear from you.

call me ishmael said...

So much depends, mr yardarm, on the integrity of ACC Slag and his not dancing to Murdoch's sleazy tune or responding to promises of advancement. I mean, look how few were nicked over the widespread expenses frauds, what was it, half a dozen? After MediaMinster, lawnforcement is Ruin's busiest sewer.