Times are hard, even in luvvieworld, where five million pound contracts have dried up quicker than Cilla McCann's tears and former stars in a desperate effort to remain in the limelight are now being forced to join in the national debate about why all the kids are as thick as pigshit.
Repulsive old slapper, Carol Voldemart, above, has joined the debate about teaching standards in her pet subject, pouting, I mean mathematics.
When I was on Countdown I felt that I was a model, a role model for the nation's eggknobs, I mean heads, gazing at me in my microdresses was, I felt, a fine way for the nation's youth to improve itself. The newer, younger slut now trying feebly to do my job is a great disappointment. Now that the unemployed, the retired and the students can no longer look at my arse
the nation's mental arithmetic skills have gone to the dogs.
This is, of coures, like most things in life, a blessing in disguise as if people can't even do their two times tables they won't be able to see just how much of a rip-off are the financial companies I am proud to represent, none of which would ever dream of making an honest claim about their loansharking products. I mean dishonest.
I'll just have the two from the top, please, Carol