A spokesman for the Arctic Polar Bears Federation, Mr Sven Growl, below,
said Vell, vat de fuck is it zey are wanting, it is our fucking place, innit, und my members have been living and hunting here for fucking milleniums, fuck me Jesus, ve haff been eating any old stuff, explorers, missionaries und politicians who come up here for ze photo opportunity, like zat clown Cameron, iff only ve could have munched on zat bastard, eh, All zat shit, about R Whites Lemonade
Und some friendly old bear coming in ze kitchen at midnight for a nice liddle drink.
Iss all fucking bullshit, or bearshit, iff you vill. Bears don't fucking drink lemonade, iss bad for ze fucking teeth, innit?
You people are so fucking stupid, iss not as iff zare is a fucking Tesco every two kilometres vare ve can go und get ze fucking groceries, iss it? Und so iff you fill ze fucking place up vit schoolboys und overgrown schoolboy outvard bounders zen my members iss gonna fill zare fucking boots, innit, or paws, in zis case. my members, I vood remind you, are all fucking wild animals and no difference it makes if dinner is a brave, kind and most loved son, eaten he vill be, just ze fucking same.
Brigadier General Rupert Golightly-Jockstrap,
of the Stupid Arseholes Mad Travelling Association said, in his deep brown voice, it really is totally unacceptable, wild animals, killing people and our thoughts at this time are with the stupid bastards who entrusted their children to my organisation which, clearly, cannot be held responsible for putting them in danger, even though it is. I mean, who could predict that a wild animal would attack someone, especially if there was an alarm wire all around the bivouac, no, no, the fact that it wasn't working was neither here nor there; these damn bears have shown themselves to be completely untrustworthy, undeserving of the money which these dopey parents are puttung in my pocket, I mean the environment.