JOHNSON SHOCK UPDATE: NOT MY COCK SHOCK.

Mr Alan Cuckold, former shadow chancellor, singin' the blues.

Mr Tiny Speaker, I would just like to inform the 'Ouse that it's not my cock that I was talking about,  earlier, but Old Bill's cock, on which, I understand, Mrs Postman Number Two has been doing a First Class delivery service. All the rest of my earlier remarks are true. I won't be making any further comments. About anybody's cock.

 Apart from that it's a right old to-do, when even an 'Ome Seckatry can't leave his missus alone with the police without  them taking liberties. I think they should all be held in custody for ninety days and then deported.

COCK, SORRY, SHOCK RESIGNATION.

I would just liike to say that I am resigning for deeply personal reasons to do with my cock and members and right honourable members on all sides of the house will know how very personal these matters are. I would like to thank Ed Wossaname for making me the petty cash monitor, even though my adding-up is shite.  But during my time in govament I feel I have left my mark, mainly as Helf Seckatry, where, had it not been for me, many thousands  who are now, at no cost to themselves, dead,  would not have been; so distinguished was I as Helf Seckatry that they even named a disease after me - AlanJohnson'sDisease (lazius filthius bastarditis lethalis) - and while Home Seckatry, another surprise appointment, I presided over further dismantling of civil liberties, a matter which we, in this house, are all equally dedicated.  I now retunr to the backbenches to serve my cock more diligently, I mean my constituents and I will not be making any further statement on my cock. Well, not to you lot, anyway.

see update

PLAGUE LINER IN CROMARTY FIRTH

HMS SUDDEN DEATH OFF INVERGORDON
(HONEST, INVERGORDON)
1 DEAD, 150 SICK, 200 FEARED WELL.


A spokesjock for NHS Highlands said We cannae be doin’ wi’ this shit, half a they passenges gone doon wi’ the bug and only the one a them’s toast. We’ll have tae get the other half offa yon Barge a Death and get them in Raigmore Hospital so’s they all can catch diseases, otherwise it isnae fair, we are a centre of excellence when it comes tae killing patients wi’ basically nothing wrong with them; we’ll soon have them all toasted, the noo, d’ye ken.

Alec Lard, the chief of the Jock Tribesmen said This is just another example of why I should be Emperor of an Independent Wife-beaters Republic of Scotland and I blame Gordon Brown who is just a big fairy, unlike myself who keeps his very-old-lady wife in the attic and brings her oot, the noo, at election times. Unlike Brown I was a brilliant economist which is why I didn’t see the recession coming until it was here and Scotland was a basket case, it is judgement such as mine which we need if we are ever to break free of the shackles ….blah blah blah. (sings, in smug voice, Everyday, its-a gettin' closer...) Useless fat bastard.

In the light of the Plague Emergency, the Jock Herald, owned by Uncle Sam, printed its usual, daily lamentatious editorial. What does it mean to be jock? No, really, what does it mean? Are we a young nation burnishing itself for glory as a proud, independent state, proudly first among equals, such as Nyasaland and Tierra del Fuego, jockus primus inter pares, or are we, as young Mr stanislav avers, merely Scotland, best part of England. Our team of crack writers, Mr Ian McSmirk, the politicians' fluffer, discusses what it means to be Jock, on pages ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen and fourteen, all over BBC Scotland and in our sister publication, The Jock Sunday Herald. Which is like a tartan Observer. Only worse.

ANOTHER IMBECILE IN THE HOME OFFICE, READ ALL ABOUT IT.

Interviewed on the BBCs flagship teatime gossip show, PM, with Eddy Smug, the programme for smug people, in which smug gits from all walks of life talk to Eddy and some of them just listen at home, or send emails, Alan Postie, the new Home Secretary, revealed the depths of his stupidity. And ours.

The new ID card, Eddy, is no longer going to be compulsory, which it never was, anyway, but voluntary, which it isn’t, although it is. And it won’t cost any money, well, not to me, anyway. People worried about compulsory ID cards can relax because if they don’t volunteer for them we’ll just force them to have them, so there it is, nothing to worry about. While I’m here, can I see your papers. Eddy?

THINGS MUST CHANGE

 

REFORM, A POSTMAN WRITES



Alan Johnson, a government postman, said today that in order for the people to work harder for their rulers – him and his mates – they had to be given more choices to make about things.

We plan to offer customers in our hospitals a range of options tailored to their individual knees, I mean needs, they should be able to go into hospital with a full range of choices as to the manner in which they meet their ends thus ceasing to be a burden on the public finances, unlike myself and the lads in guvament.

In future customers will be able to choose between death by surgical incompetence, over-prescription of heavy-duty drugs, starvation as a result of nursing neglect, as well as the traditional range of hospital acquired infections such as C –Difficult and that other one, the alphabet one, MP3, whatever.

In offering this range of choices we will deliver our customers a health service fit for the fourteenth century.

It is by reforms such as this that NewLabour will secure an unprecedented other term, with me as Head Postmaster. And Gordon in the loony bin.

NO NEED TO WORRY

 

A MINISTER SPEAKS


People are understandably worried about Swine Flu. I would lust like to reassure them that here at the NHS we hope to have it rolled-out by the weekend to all hospitals, health centres and ambulance services and by next weekend we should see it in all schools and old persons' homes. There is no need for you to worry, there will be plenty to go around; all nice and warm and germy. Trust me. Before NewLabour I used to be a postman.