Wednesday, 2 July 2014


Oh, Mother.

Interviewed by Radio Orkney, Scotland's nutter-emperor-elect, Mr Alex Lard, denied that Scot, Andy FitzMcMurray, had been knocked-out of the Wimbledon Tennis Tournament. 

Just more scaremongering, he snorted; it may well appear from the scoreline that he lost but I have taken legal advice which says that quite clearly he won.  

It's like the pound, the English chancellor, George Slug, says that we can't have it but I have taken legal advice that says we can. 
Now, who would you trust more, 
the truth of the matter, or me? 

You know, not to put too fine a point on it, everybody, from my fellow-president, Mr Fitzbama, from the   European president downwards to the BBC, is telling lies about Andy McFitzMurray; it's clear to everyone that he won and those who say he didn't are simply bending the facts of the scoreline to suit their own ends, scaremongering, as I say, simply what we in the Salmond National Party have come to expect over the last three-hundred years.  Look, I have the photograph proving my victory over Mr Cameron.

 No, no, it's not last year.  I have a team of independent photographic analysts, internationally renowned, who say that this was today.

It's odd, is it not, when you hear that 28 signatories to a treaty say that the treaty means what it says it means, when, in fact, I have taken legal advice which proves beyond contradiction that treaties mean whatever I say they mean.  Oil prices?  More scaremongering, pure and simple,  relentless negativity; the fact of the matter is that in a market economy prices will not vary, that is to misunderstand the nature of the free market, something with which I, as a former economist, am completely familiar.  No, look, the market dictates that if a hugely respected international statesman,  such as I,

if I say that Scotland's future finances depend on a stable and rising oil price per barrel then the market will see to it that that's what happens, why would it not? Why would it not act entirely in Scotland's interests?  I have a panel of unbiased freemarketeer experts, all of whom have been promised ambassadorships for themselves,  low taxes for their companies and McPeerages who have all quite independently and with great integrity arrived at figures which support my figures, whatever they happen to be at any given moment in time and I have taken independent advice from  eminent pre-ambassadorial lawyers who all agree with me that black is actually, whatever Westminster says, white.
 And if the oil price should tank, well, Scotland'll grow rich on selling these wee biccies;  the world'll fall over itself to buy these wee beauties. Why?  Because they're made in Scotland and everybody in the world loves Scotland and that's why all they poor countries in Europe who pay VAT on food and the bairnses claithes, that's why they'll say that we, in Scotland, as new entrants, dinnae havetae pay yon tax; they Croats and Romas and what have you, they live in a horsedrawn economy so they'll be pleased to pay more taxes so's that we rich fuckers here dinnae havetae. It's obvious.

(Readers may think that this representation of NatLogic is fanciful, but believe me, it isnae,  here, in the best part of England, we hear shit like this all day long.)

Winston Salmond.
Gi'e us the tools an' we'll break the job.

And it's the exact same thing with the border.  There simply won't be one, och, there may well be hundreds of thousands of immigrants being welcomed to an independent and wealthy Salmondland, I mean Scotland, but to suggest that many of them will just walk over the border to England and hitch a lift down to their cousins in Londonistan, that's just the usual negativity which has characterised the No campaign. There is simply no need for a border between two countries which have different policies on immigration, defence, law enforcement and taxation, these things can be settled with  a spot of goodwill and everybody doing as I say. It's not as though, post-independence,  Scotland is going to be a foreign country or anything. 

So I would simply say to London that it should see sense and agree with me that Andy McFitzMurrayson of that ilk won a  resounding vitory in the Wimbledon Men's Final. Even though he didn't.


yardarm said...

Tribesmen of all varieties cry if we`re free of whatever, we can decide our own destiny. Really ?

Leave the UK, leave the EU, will you be free of G7, NATO, G20, IMF, World Trade Organization, General Agreement on Trades and Tariffs GlobaDosh, the fucking banksters, Goldman Sachs ? No.

mongoose said...

It is even more cynical that that, isn't it, Mr I? Wee Eck does not even expect to win his poxy referendum. It is a chance to put the squeeze on once again. Taxation without representation, and without responsibility. He will win his DevoMcMax and even more of the Scottish people will learn to feed at the teat - but him first.

callmeishmael said...

And it is even more even more cynical than that, mr mongoose. If he wins, he wins and if he loses he wins in the terms you describe but with the added advantage of there being a Neverendum, every few years. And in a country much more deeply divided than previously, be like fucking Iraq, it will, round here. So many of the Nats really are stupidly, viciously unpleasant, fuelled by a fathomless, irredressable sense of grievance; there will be blood, Yes or No.

Mike said...

My reading from afar is with Mr Mongoose. Its a cynical ploy to get more money and have less accountability. No intention of winning a referendum.

Just read an account of Culloden; I hadn't fully appreciated the slave/master relationship of the clan system till that reading. How the Scots can dream of running a country with such a (pathetic) history is beyond me. No wonder so many emigrated.

callmeishmael said...

I read one account recently, by telly historian, Neil Oliver, a better writer than presenter and he damned Bonny Prince Charlie for a fool and a coward who fled the field at the first sign of trouble, leaving six thousand willing warriors leaderless and confused, ripe for slaughter.

The SNP organised a re-enactment of Bruce's victory at Bannockburn, last weekend, hoping to capitalise on its seven hundredth anniversary. Hardly anyone turned up.

Doug Shoulders said...

Bonnie prince Charlie is condemned in every history book written about the Culloden debacle. At least the ones I’ve read anyway. John Prebble gives a comprehensive account in two books.
A miserable episode in history. But then there is hardly an episode in the history of Scotland that makes for joyful reading.
Blame foreign interest and skulduggery under the guise English imperialism for that and the treatment meted out to Ireland, Wales and any other countries ripe for plunder.

Salmond has declared that his first port of call , upon receiving directorship of Schotland plc, is the European Union. I would assume that would be to get in line for the new member hand-outs. What he fails to see is the previous recipients of new member hand-outs are in pretty poor shape when the EU lords and masters want their fukin’ money back.

Anonymous said...

You have him to a tee Mr I. Fuck me its like watching the opening sequences to "Darien 2". Also I think you have unearthed the Salmondistas currency plan. Those wee biccies, if hard enough, would make a fine physical currency with the consolation that if the value collapses you can always eat them. Doesn't the fat one look at home in that biscuit factory? I could see him as the head honcho of a biscuit factory - a Soviet era one - with production figures unfailingly reaching new heights every year. Welcome to the Soviet Socialist Republic of Salmond!

I fear you are also right about the outcome of this farrago of resentments. A marginal result either way cannot be good. As you say either a 'Neverendum' or a deeply divided country. It seems to me that the most likely 'victory' scenario is a tiny majority, of those who actually vote, in favour of 'oot' who will, of course, comprise less than half the electorate (and that itself gerrymandered by excluding Scots not currently residing there and putting the 16-18 year olds, Hitler Youth style, into the fray on the presumption that they are more malleable than their elders albeit that the latter measure seems to have backfired on them). What then of the other half? How will they react I wonder - especially if the economy begins to tank? I can feel the blame culture building up already - clearly all the fault of English conspiracies as Mr Shoulders alludes - and some of them Nats, especially the cyber ones, are proper nasty. Best keep Harris on his toes Mr I lest any of them reach even your Orkadian fastness! All the best. SG

Alphons said...

He's almost as funny as McGonagall.

call me ishmael said...

Even the JewBasher, Gibson, in his Wallace confection,portrayed the Scots as betrayers amongst and between themselves; the HIghland Clearnces were undertaken by Scots nobles against their poor tenants, so I'm not sure that the blame is entirely with England and I am not convinced that those who are blameworthy are within Punishment's reach; my ancestors were Ayrshire High Heejans, makes me Scottish, albeit with ancient blood on my hands; my ancestors were also Norman French and by SNP standards I should thus be despised by Anglo-Saxons; farther back, they were Danish, should I be barred from Lindisfarne? Our ancestors, by contemporary evaluation, damn us all. The wealth of Glasgow, her buildings and banks,her shipyards, derived from the slave trade, how would Jock feel if a horde of angry black Mississippeans flew into Prestwick demanding recompense, demaning retrieval and sequestration? Intolerably stupid ignoramuses, they are.

If you have never encountered the outrageous and irrational hatreds of the fervent Jock nationalist then you need only view the message boards dealing with the Referendum to discover that he is a hiccup in History's dinner, a reflux, a bad taste which you needs must swallow; he is truly abhorrent, vicious and stupid, of no use to any save the publican, he is a beast from whom Grace and Charity would flee.

McGonagal, though, he is the rhymester of Everyman, I love him.

Anonymous said...

Yes indeed Mr I. Not much sign of 'civic' nationalism, whatever that is supposed to be, in those places. 'Bravehearters' to a man (and woman... That Sturgeon woman. Grrrr!), SG.

call me ishmael said...

Nicola Moustache, she is a darling, mr sg. Sometimes, listening to her know-it-all fishwifery, I go into a reverie, imagining the entire population of the British Isles hearing five too many minutes of Nicola and leaving the country.

Doud Shoulders said...

Entirely true mister Ish. I am reminded that schottish aristocracy did but mammothly betray their bretheren and divided amongst themselves the land that was there for the taking when the clearances had finished.
Practicly every land has been under the boot of European ambition. I'm just grateful that Scotland got that shit over with centuries ago.
Scottish enterprise and industry went a long way in aiding Britian turn most of the globe into pink.
Angry black men from missisipi might do well to knock on someone elses door about their grievances. My ancestors were Sots and Irish poor folk. No slave ships or plantations.
White slavery doesn't seem much a topic of debate these days. I bet it was back in the day of satatic mills and what not.

banned said...

Doud Shoulders, White slavery is getting much more attention these days, search for it on Youtube and ye shall find.

I would like Scotland to stay because I like it (and them, usually) and I want to die in the same country that I grew up in but, as mentioned below, a narrow 'stay-in' victory would just lead to another referendum in a few years so please decide decisively one way or another.

Why do the media keep referring to the "remainder of the UK"?
The UK is of Great Britain & Northern Ireland.
"Great Britain" is England (incl Wales) & Scotland. Without Scotland there is no 'Great Britain' to be United with.

We will become CFKAUK or "England (incl Wales) & N. Ireland (for Now) & Miscellaneous Appendage Islands" which entity would be as new as independent Scotland and thus be required to apply for new membership of NATO, the EU, World Bank, UN and all the rest.

call me ishmael said...

That's not quite it, mr banned; we would remain the same state, just reduced in number and recalculations to monies in and out from the EU would need to reflect that change. otherwise there is no alteration of the rUK's status in any of the situations you mention. Scotland,however will be a new state, requiring to enegotiate all such situations with no guarantee - in fact, in some cases the opposite - of their continuationm. Any EU state, including the rUK, can veto Scotland's entry, without giving a reason and as I said not only Spain, for her own internal reasons but also the newly arrived poor countries are unlikely to allow Scotland's entry in more favourable terms than their own, why would they?

The rUK is what it says it is, it is what remains of a former entity, that entity is not dissolved or rendered defunct by the secession of one of its parts.

The question we should have asked, we togetherists, is why does not everyone in the UK have a vote on this issue, it effects everyone, perhaps very dramatically, sixty odd million people, why shold our future be determined by a bunch of Scottish sixteen year olds? The Edinburgh Agreement is another of Cameron's impertinent, imbecile follies.

Anonymous said...

Nicola Moustache - Ha! Although she is SNPee I think she really belongs with the monsterous regiment of wimmin - Ladies Harperson and Toynbee, Professor-Eunuch Greer, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown of throat, the 'scissor sister' Angela Eagle, Mrs 'Pepperpot' -Blears et al. Having listened to part (I had to switch it off) of tonight's 'Any Questions', chaired by the hereditary broadcaster (as usuaI), I was about to add Lynne Featherbrain, or should that be 'Nobrain', to this list. However, based on what I could stand to hear of her performance tonight, she does not belong with them as she is merely stupid, whereas the aforementioned are both dangerous and, in some cases, stupid. Moral compass? Featherbrain appeared to have no means of navigation whatever. I know this is meant to be a democracy of some sort (no it isn't you fool) but there should be some sort of basic test to ensure that these people are capable of discharging their functions. Grrr! Where is Nurse Ratched when you need her? I am sure my medication is overdue... SG

callmeishmael said...

I would much prefer that women took a larger role, had a more persuasive voice in the public discourse, just not these women. I often disagree with Jeanette Winterton but I would swap her for every woman in parliament, all of whom, to one degree or another, play the Diane Abbott card, that woman is the nigger of the world card, whilst oppressing the poor of however many genders there now are. It seems that in public administration, business and media the very qualities one might expect to be brought by women have been ruthlessly suppressed, so-called liberators actually tormentors; education might be an exception but I wouldn't bank on it.

Anyone I speak to about Nicola Moustache feels the same as I do about her; how that translates to the Referendum remains to be seen,

Anonymous said...

Ah yes Abbot. I forgot her. I gather she excelled in racism and stupidity at Cambridge. I agree with you about Winterton and, indeed, a greater role for women as opposed to 'wimmin'. However, I suspect that the whole set up is about as appetising for them as a night out with the Lord of Pies. SG.