Monday, 14 July 2014


Archbishop of Canterbury, Julian Woebegone, today won his fight to have Muslems in charge of the Church of England.
I think it is a true reflection of our modern church and our modern nation - gays, lesboes and ragheads chasing one another round the vestry - and it demonstrates something or other which is truly profound and spiritual about this corporation which I head-up, its shareholders and its market valuation. 
It will be a great adventure and a challenge for our dwindling numbers of old people to take communion from an imam and have their diocesan priorities determined by Sheikh Bishop Ali Baba but it is one to which we will rise.  And if it doesn't work out then we will simply convert the churches to Gay-Bisexual-Lesbian and Transgender drop-in centres, which, actually is mostly what they already are. 
Sorry, what?  Jesus? What would Jesus make of it all? Just who the fuck is Jesus when he's at home?


Well, now look, I want to be crystal clear about this, this, this misunderstanding, I think we should call it.  Lady Coronation Street has recused herself from this complicated and onerous task of rewriting history and walling-up skeletons behind the Official Secrets Act, a task for which, I still maintain, she was eminently qualified,  You can say there was a conflict of interest but what's wrong with that.  We are all men of the world.  A conflict of interest and being related to the person one is investigating are not in my judgement any reason for us not chosing the best man for the job. Woman.  I mean woman, or man, although, clearly, in this case, it's woman.

Wossat?  Recuse?  You don't know what recusing means?  Well, I should've thought it was perfectly clear; it means running away as fast as one is able to  when the shit hits the fan while you're standing in front of it, getting covered.

No, there was clearly no reason for Dame Elizabeth to resign, she has behaved throughout this tricky time with all the integrity which we have all come to expect from Lord or Lady Justice Slag.  But now that she has found out that a distant relative, whom she had never met - much less discussed criminal cover-ups with - was a devout beastworshipper, she has in the time honoured tradition of MediaMinster, resigned whilst having done nothing wrong, well not yet,anyway. Integrity?  I think you mean Great Integrity which is something I have a great deal of, myself, Great Integrity, which is  why I didn't resign over losing the Syria War Vote, or when it was found that my office was full of crooks and nonces.  Great Integrity is what you have when you charge the public for your own Wisteria plants and then, the minute you're found-out, whaddayoudo, what you do is  you voluntarily put your hand in own your pocket and  pay back the stolen money.  Yes, that's it, I suppose that is a good way of putting it - the rottener one is, the greater one's integrity.

No, any further questions to be directed to Mrs Tracey May, who is, for the time being, the home seckatry and who got us into all this shit.   



Woman on a Raft said...

He could sack Hague for apparently keeping quiet about the party, then move May to the FO as he is lumbered with her.

Why are they all leaving parliament? Normally it takes dynamite to shift 'em and he cannot be promising them all seats in the Lords. There just aren't enough seats unless the Assisted Dying bill is applied creatively.

I suppose there is something to be said for going in to the election with as many new faces as possible but newbies make more gaffs. OTOH, they don't come much worse than the PM turning up and calling your constituent a bigot so maybe he has nothing to lose.

Bungalow Bill said...

It's long since died as a coherent intellectual and moral force hasn't it the C of E - setting aside theology upon which I have no possible view? There is no principle which cannot be made the subject of anguished "exploration" until it has all substance drained from it and we are left with The Church of Jesus Guardian Leader Writer. It's the LIb Dem Green Party at prayer with all the soggy horror that entails.

Alphons said...

Good old Dave seems to be over doing the bunting and frollicks.
It is less "sleight" of hand and more of "slight of brain".
It reminds me of my rugby playing days when, if ones team had a very slight lead,and the end of the match was looming, the cry would go out "Anywhere...last five minutes".

call me ishmael said...

He should also sack Tracey May for the B-S fuck up, amongst others - IDS, especially, not for his wickedness, they're all wicked, but for his incompetence in fulfillingh Wickedness's purpose. If his new faces are of the quality of Esther McVeigh he's fucked, you'd have to consider him fucked, anyway, in line for the Ringo Starr Luckiest Man In The World award. I sometimes have to pinch myself to confirm that this worthless, crooked, illiterate phoney is actually prime minister. I suppose that if he loses Scotland he'll still stand babbling in Downing Street, mainly to himself.

call me ishmael said...

It was an odd morality, underscored with bigotry, lewdness, privilege and pederasty, mr bb, but it was a morality of sorts, an upholder of a set of scriptures, some of which are inspirational, now it is as you say, The Church of Jesus Guardian Leader Writer, the Guardian, too resembling its former self in name only.

If number ten was a rugby team, mr alphons, they'd all be sent off for cheating.

Anonymous said...

Yes Mr I! Time for the Synod of the Mosque of Inglandistan to legislate for the Sharia. Then the Grand Muffdiver (peace be upon her) can call for Jihad! Fuck I am wound up this evening. I knew it was a mistake to turn the fucking telly on. This evening's premier entertainment was watching the progress of the entire population of Borat's village as they entered the UK thieved metal and milked the benefits system for all it is worth. By the end I was ready to call for the Austrian Corporal to be released from his state of cryogenic preservation when I recalled that Butler-Sloss et al have been at the same game for decades (no make that centuries). I think you've been getting into my head Mr I... SG

Anonymous said...

The Church is supposed to stand for the eternal, immutable truth contained in God's revealed wisdom, as recorded in the Bible.

It is not competing in a popularity contest. It is not meant to be a reflection of the worst excesses of a wicked world philosophy, one which elevates queers, freaks, wishy-washy men and bolshy women to positions of authority, positions they are patently unsuited to holding. It should boldly declare to sinners and saints alike that there is a way which seemeth right unto man, but which leadeth unto destruction.

This is most likely the final nail in the CofE coffin. A lot will just leave, others will cross the Tiber and an ever decreasing remnant will continue to attend no matter what nonsense is adopted as church doctrine. I saw that freak Elton John pontificating about Christ and Church doctrine the other day. How long will it be until he is Archbishop? Or one like Anne Widdecombe? Does it even matter any more, when Brenda is supposed to be running the show and is the most un-Christian monarch since King John?

Most unusual for one such as little Willy to sling his hook voluntarily. He's up to something. Or someone.


PS Good luck with the op. Make sure the doctorbastards wash the Ebola off the Black and Decker first :-)

call me ishmael said...

That's just how they want you to feel, mr sg; still, you got through it OK, back into the collective consciousness of the Righteous.

The New Faces reshuffle will usefully divert attention from SlossGate but it remains the biggest scandal since Blair's Dodgy Dossier.

mongoose said...

"Why are they all leaving Parliament?"

And why were a goodly number of them sacked and not allowed to pretend to resign, mrs raft?

call me ishmael said...

Amen to that, mr vincent. And thanks.

Elton, really? I bet he did that one about there being more rejoicing in Heaven over a saved sinner......

As for Willgelina, the possibilities are endless, aren't they.

Anonymous said...

Re: Wee 'Willy' Hague - what Mr Vincent said. Perhaps Mr Ishmael could obilge us, in good Private Eye style, with a certain photograph? SG

call me ishmael said...

Already have, mr sg, further on up the road.

Anonymous said...

I was furious, Mr Ishmael, when I saw his raddled, drag-queen face, and heard his patronising, all-knowing girly-voice, dressed like an extra from The King and I, a ridiculous blue, chinese-coolie type arrangement. Just seeing the vile monster raises the ire, but to hear the little queen re- write the Bible just sent me apoplectic.

It was in a 'special' interview, not just your run-of-the-mill sort of thing about how amazing he is, and how great it is to buy children because you choose not have any in the normal fashion, oh no, not content with re-writing millennia of fact on human reproduction, he has decided that he is going to announce his new revelation of NT theology, arrange a cooing bint from Sky to feed him his own questions, so he can enlighten us with his new-found 'faith'.

He dared to say that if Christ were alive today (blissfully unaware that the whole point of Christianity is that Christ is not dead) then he would think faggots were great, because He was 'into compassion, tolerance and forgiveness', not that faggotry should be forgiven, as it is obviously fine, and all that Biblical stuff that says it isn't is just wrong and can be ignored.

It wasn't the fact that he was completely and demonstrably wrong which wound me up so much, it was his supreme arrogance, coupled with breath-taking ignorance, that he knew better than everybody else, and anyone who disagreed with him was going to hell, obviously.


banned said...

Dave Kamran (clue) just followed the BBC political thriller plot where first they all stopped drinking and smoking and then turned into women and ethnics.