GREEDY SWINE 'FLU CLAIMS FRESH VICTIM

A GROUP OF GREEDY SWINE IN ISOLATION

Mr George Osblow, of the Bullingdon Club, has been struck down with Greedy Swine 'flu , a disease characterised by the patient stealing money from his employers over a period of many years; braying in public like a jackass and suffering delusions of grandeur - or douglas hoggus cuntisitis. Mr Osblow, a part-time MP, is expected to make a full recovery, unlike many of his colleagues, who have been denied treatment. A routine examination of Mr Osblow's finances by the parliamentary Fixer is expected to reveal that lessons have been learned and we should all move forward to our pensions, only not the ordinary people, fuck, no.

Mr David Cameron-Bullingdon said people should not get excited about this, everybody I know is a Greedy Swine and unlike them Mr Osblow has my fullest confidence that he will be able to wriggle out of it, without causing me too much embarrassment, the little minx, unlike, unfortunately, Mr Hoggy, who wasn't. It's a matter of party discipline, y'see, if they went to Eton they are immune from most things, but if they didn't or are proper Tories they don't survive.

Now that we are facing an epidemic of voting all my friends will be working full-time at being MPs, Mr Spit-Gove and Mr William Ah-Hague Mr Ah-Deputy Spunker, especially will be concentrating on what the public pays them to do, or at least they will be after Christmas, and who can say fairer than that.

In my new reformed Bullingdon NHS nurses and porters and auxiliaries will of course be able to down tools mid-job and go off to be taxi-drivers or massage parliur operatives without it affecting their salaries, or wages, as I believe they are called; people abandoning their duties and moonlighting is what helps keep them in the real world and everybody should do it.

Mr Osblow's dosage of cocaine remains unchanged. As does my own and His Honour the Mayor's.

A LEXICOGRAPHER SPEAKS

The Encyclopaedia Galactica has this to say on the subject of resignation:

Resignation is depart from job, or post, as posh people call job, and fuck-off quick, generally with immediate effect.

To tender resignation is to announce immediate departure, generally after some episode or episodes of bad behavious incompatible with the post which the postholder holds, so to speak, or held. Like stealing. And stealing in concert with one's equally post-holding husband. Or Mackay.

Mackay Trusted adviser to a man who trusts his advice, until he gets caught thieving and then has to be sacked, with gratitude for all the thieving advice.

standing down at next election means to get off Jock-free and is not resignation in accepted sense of word, especially since would have lost election anyway.

David Cameron means two-faced, career bully, mealymouth arsehole: eg thieving cow is not resigning in a year's time because of wrongdoing now, Oh, fuck me, no, it is because of media pressure which is intolerable and she has much to offer in future, although not as Treasurer. Which I fully respect.

THE SIX O CLOCK NEWS FROM THE BBC WITH HUW WELSHMAN

 

INBREEDING WILL OUT.


CAMERON TO ABOLISH POLITICS




Good evening, this is the six oclock news from the BBC with me, Huw Welshman. Abolish himself, that’s what he says, isn’t it, Cameron the Bully, look you, if his gang wins the next election, which,lets fucking face it viewers, he ought to but probably won't, isn't it. Here’s Nick Robinson, the BBC’s amazing self-fellating gabshite. Yes, Huw, I interviewed Mr Fuckwit earlier and here’s what he had to say. Well, Nick, as I go around the country meeting homeless Labour voters and small goneoutofbusinesses this is what they say to me: Why don’t you just fuck off, Lord Snooty, you useless, braying, coked-up nincompoop ? And d’you know, Nick, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. When I’m prime minister I will abolish the Tory party and all its works and just have ordinary people getting all the expenses, starting all the wars, fucking-up all the services, exactly as I tell them, and if they don’t, well, you can see what happened to my fiddling bastards, nothing.

You know, Nick, one of the young hoodie gentlemen approached me at a dinner party the other evening, How would it be, like, he asked, if I was to, right, stop burgling people’s ‘ouses in like, a year’s time, right ? That would mean that nuffin else would ‘appen to me, like, for all the uvver burglaries wot I already done; like standin’down from being a burglar, that would, like, be my punishment, right, like them Wintertons and them geezers Steen and Conway ? Absolutely, old boy, I replied, just like me, pay back the money you mistakenly stole, or a bit of it anyway, for form’s sake, mustn’t embarrass the party, that’s the main thing, even though I am going to abolish it and stand for PM as Dave, the Nowhere Man, You Know Where You Are With The Nowhere Man, Nowhere, that’ll be my new logo thing. So, anyway, I thanked the young hoody gentleman, paid him for the drugs, and,assured of his vote, went back to my dinner guests, all of whom will be abolished.

Nick, he sounds barking, a mental case, he wasn't talking all this shite a few weeks ago, before they all got caught with their cocks in the till.

Huw, that's right, he is barking, worse than the other one, makes up some new initiative every five minutes, it'll probably be abolishing the monarchy tomorrw...

Nick, does it matter what he says ...?

Huw, not in the slightest, mate, not in the slightest.....and nwo back to you in the studio.

ABSOLUTELY BOLLOCKS

 

A LIBERAL DEMOCRAT SPEAKS

Yes, of course, said Mr Nick Haircut, Patsy is wonderful and whilst me and my party of sandal-weaving degenerates, truculent Scotch brothel creepers and Home Counties copraphiliacs are very confident that we shall win the next election we rule nothing in and we rule nothing out. On balance, at the end of the bottom line, at this moment in time we are pencilling nothing in. If it comes to it that the only way I can form a government of all the haircuts is in coalition with Patsy and Eddie then coalesce we shall.

Elbowing his way into the picture, Mr Dave Charlie, of the official non-oppositional opposition said Yes, of course, Patsy and the Tories have a lot in common and I’m not just talking about cocaine, either, although that is central to our shared approach to joined-up government. No, Patsy could have gone to Eton, like me, took the exam and everything, she did, just a shame she’s a split-arse or she could’ve been in my shadow cabinet of all the moonlighters. All very well Mr Haircut claiming the credit over these fuzzy-wuzzy chaps but actually you’ll find that the initiative came from me, so you see I’m not Mr Do-Nothing, I’m Mr Do Fuck-all.

Actually, said the nutter with the stutter, joining the scrum outside parliament, Allowing Ms Absolutely Fabulous to dictate the policy of the government is the right thing for hard-working homeless families, for small gone-out-of-businesses and for all those facing the difficult changes which started in America and are fuck all, as we say in the Labour Party, to do with us; and it’s Absolutely Fabulously the right thing to do for the fuzzy-wuzzies, themselves; I mean, why shouldn’t they come and live in England? I did. And I always do the right thing.

Anybody else who hasn’t received a reply to the millions of letters they have sent me and who wants to sit me down and give me a good talking-to for half an hour is very welcome to, as long as they have a hugely successful TV series behind them. Otherwise you can all fuck off. As usual.