FAT MAN TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS DINNER

 

I WANT MY DINNER!

Mr Lord Fatty Rennard, a very large Liberal Democrat, is to resign his post as the the party’s Chief Fat Executive.

"It is impossible to exaggerate Chris's immense contribution to the Liberal Democrats expenses bill over the years” said Mr Nick Haircut, Chief Toileteer, "Without Chris's unique skills as one of the country's most astute and effective expenses fiddlers I doubt that the party would now have the largest number of clapped out, overweight, alcoholic, bisexual, copraphiliac MPs in decades."

Lord Fatty is reported to have claimed over £40,000 for a second home when he owned a flat near Westminster, but his announced resignation was nothing to do with criticism of him being a thieving bastard, just like all of them, fuck, no. In a statement announcing his planned departure, Lord Rennard said he wanted more time "outside the Westminster bubble" for himself and his dinners. And his breakfasts and lunches and afternoon teas and elevenses.

They are very big shoes to step into, said David, Lord Steel, the party's smiling abortionist-in-chief, but I think I'm up to the job, what's the exes like?

ABSOLUTELY BOLLOCKS

 

A LIBERAL DEMOCRAT SPEAKS

Yes, of course, said Mr Nick Haircut, Patsy is wonderful and whilst me and my party of sandal-weaving degenerates, truculent Scotch brothel creepers and Home Counties copraphiliacs are very confident that we shall win the next election we rule nothing in and we rule nothing out. On balance, at the end of the bottom line, at this moment in time we are pencilling nothing in. If it comes to it that the only way I can form a government of all the haircuts is in coalition with Patsy and Eddie then coalesce we shall.

Elbowing his way into the picture, Mr Dave Charlie, of the official non-oppositional opposition said Yes, of course, Patsy and the Tories have a lot in common and I’m not just talking about cocaine, either, although that is central to our shared approach to joined-up government. No, Patsy could have gone to Eton, like me, took the exam and everything, she did, just a shame she’s a split-arse or she could’ve been in my shadow cabinet of all the moonlighters. All very well Mr Haircut claiming the credit over these fuzzy-wuzzy chaps but actually you’ll find that the initiative came from me, so you see I’m not Mr Do-Nothing, I’m Mr Do Fuck-all.

Actually, said the nutter with the stutter, joining the scrum outside parliament, Allowing Ms Absolutely Fabulous to dictate the policy of the government is the right thing for hard-working homeless families, for small gone-out-of-businesses and for all those facing the difficult changes which started in America and are fuck all, as we say in the Labour Party, to do with us; and it’s Absolutely Fabulously the right thing to do for the fuzzy-wuzzies, themselves; I mean, why shouldn’t they come and live in England? I did. And I always do the right thing.

Anybody else who hasn’t received a reply to the millions of letters they have sent me and who wants to sit me down and give me a good talking-to for half an hour is very welcome to, as long as they have a hugely successful TV series behind them. Otherwise you can all fuck off. As usual.