Sunday, 29 June 2014



Yes, thanks, Laura, and this is the news that a British public schoolboy, David Cameron, has been radicalised and is now a menace to people all over Europe, whom he describes as wrong, just plain wrong, very wrong and European. Twenty-six other people are wrong and me and the Hungarian fascist are right.  You'll all be sorry.  In a declaration of war against the European way of life David has been heard saying that while he may have lost one battle - he refers here, Laura, to an episode of sour-faced footstamping 

which the adults rightly ignored - he will eventually win the whole war, whatever the war is. They underestimated us a hundred years ago today,  at the start of whatever number world war it was,  but thanks to my special relationship with President Obama we soon saw them off.  And we'll do it again, once more unto the beach, dear friends, once more, that's what I say, and today Johnny Foreigner now knows that I am a man of my word, 

 just not in anything you care to think of, like topdown downtop reforming of the NHS,  I said it would never happen and it did, immediately; cast-iron, copperbottom referenduming,  I promised  we would have one and then said we wouldn't;  not raising VAT,  I said we wouldn't but, well, you get the drift.......but lessbeclear,  I have  given my solemn word on these and many other matters and when I have given my word I have stuck firmly to my principles and as soon as humanly possible, broken it.
Fuck yes, way to go.
I love the sound of lies in the morning.
And I say this most sincerely,
you can't believe a fucking word I say.

Thanks, Mark, and can you give us a little background on David Cameron and I believe he has several, maybe many other overgrown schoolboy fellow radicals in his gang, all committed to destroying the country. What can you tell us about that?

Laura, that's right

  and actually it's not too surprising because David Cameron was born into a fundamentalist sect of greedyfuckingbastardfuckpigs, raised to believe that he was born to rule and that greed was all that mattered.
And were the state schools to blame for this?

No, Laura, young David went to a private, MoneyFaith school called Eton Madrass College

where he was schooled by radical mercenary teachers who taught him that he was born to be obeyed,  where he dressed in arcane and expensive   garments and where flogging and humiliation were the order of the day, customs he continues to this day in respect of old, sick, young and disabled people.

And then?

And then he fell into the clutches of the infamous Victor al Bogbrush, 

a firebrand teacher of the doctrine of Politics, Philosophy and Economics  in the notorious Oxford University.
Is that PPE,  the entry degree to the crime councils of MediaMinster? Gosh, Mark, no wonder the poor lad went wrong.

That's right, Laura, and as if that wasn't enough, he was targeted by the al Bullingdon Boys, 

Part of a coalition government-in-waiting.

a gang of young men who also dressed up in foolish clothes, got high on drink and drugs before committing acts of terror on the local community.........

Weren't they punished by the authorities....???

 ......acts which were hushed up by the University and paid-for by the al Camerons and other fabulously wealthy parents, tribes of thieving bastards who had stolen vast fortunes over centuries.

But what's led to his going public, declaring a EuroJihad, as it were?

Ah, well, Laura, his friends say that he has fallen under the spell of Sheikh Mullah  Nigel al Farahji, 

Albion akbar,
Albion akbar.

the hated and feared Imam of Independence,  the Ayatollah of Euro payola, harem-master and leader of a growing band of   vicious, battle-hardened, elderly, sclerotic malcontents 

who seek the establishment of a John Bull caliphate stretching from John of Groats to Land's End, the part of it not owned by Americans, at any rate;  the lifting of all smoking bans and the repatriation of Wogs, Polacks, Gippos, Homos, and Lesbos - even of native but brown Britons - to what they call the dusky climes  of BongoBongoLand  and the erection of a three-hundred metre high barrier around the entire British coastline, what's left of it, when Scotland fucks off.  That's it.  That's the policy of al Farajhi. 

 The Caliphate of John Bull. Scary.
And Cameron's completely under his spell.

And what does this mean for David Cameron's future prospects, why has it radicalised him?

Well, Laura,  basically, he's a fucking idiot, David Cameron.  I mean he wasn't elected last time and he won't be elected next time  but he thinks that making a prat  of himself - and, by the way, us, too -  he will ingratiate himself with his own 1922 Mujahadeen of Nutters, many of whom would like to join al Farajhi in his holy war against the present day.

So, Mark, what you're saying is that David Cameron has become the swivel-eyed loony fruitcake he used to warn about.
Yes, Laura, that's exactly what he has become. 
Only worse.

That was Mark Urban for us  there on the mental collapse of the man who thinks he's prime minister. Shame, really.  But he is an utter cunt, isn't he? No expense spared on his education and he's as thick as two short planks, fucks about like a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest, good for fuck all and yet, thanks to that dickhead Clegg, who's even stupider, he's the fucking prime  minister. Sort of.  But not really. he's like a dog walking on his hind legs, you're just waitng for
 him to fall down, go  grrrrr-woof and jump in his bed for a nice kip.

And to  discuss that I am joined by Simon  Sir Simon Reasonable, chairman of All Things Bright And Beautiful,  - you know, forests, parklands,  heritage stuff, National Trust  and  jolly nice subsidised stately homes for jolly nice rich people,   they give the nation the paintings, cop a big tax allowance  and get to stay in the house on the basis that the public can view the pictures but only for fifteen minutes in each leap year, only the house'll be closed for vital maintainance,  just exactly during that quarter of  an hour -  
Sir Simon Jenkins,
fearless reasonable journalist and knight of MediaMinster.
 A knighted hack.  I ask you.

and who works in his day job,  rather like the govament and the Metropolitan police service, for Mr Rupert Murdoch, who, bless him, will soon be dead and then they'll all be fucked.  Simon  Sir Simon Reasonable, what do you think of David Cameron being radicalised by Sheikh al Farajhi.

Well, Laura, that's two questions,  
the first is why are you and not I anchoring Newsnight and the second is what would Mr Murdoch want me to say about my fellow 21st Century Fox employee, Mr Cameron. And actually I think he's done a rather good job. I mean he's gone there,wherever it was, Brussels, was it, Berlin and jolly well spoken his mind.  Can't ask for more than that.  Mind like a sieve?  Everything leaking out? Well, maybe he has but that's not for me to say.  He is the prime minister,  and frankly,  Laura, it doesn't matter that he wasn't elected,  the Queen wasn't elected either and just look at what a wonderful job she's doing for us, all those parks and palaces, parts of which we can see from the road; knighting me. This al Farajhi chap, flash in the pan, mark my words, from the bottom drawer, he is.  Cameron'll eat him for breakfast. I rest my case.

Now, on Newsnight, there was shock and anger today at the news that  a notorious beast had behaved in a fashion that can only be described as, well, beastly.


Yes, this is the news that former PBC dee-jay, cripple-fucker, child molester, necrophiliac and friend of prime ministers, 

Now look, I'm the cleverest man in the country
 and I didn't know he was a beast. So fuck off.  My moral compass was broken that day. So that's me off the hook.


To err is human, to forgive and cover-up, that's what we do.
Let he who has not fingered a six-year old,
let him cast the first stone, eh? 
So that's me off the hook, too.

and royalty, 

Now look.  
One is frightfully well educated, been to Cambridge,  and one would never have guessed that one's subject, 
Savile, is it, 
was a whatchamacallit, 
a nonce. 
One thinks one is orf the hook.

Sir Jimmy Savile,  fucked dead people in their eyesockets but only after he had removed their glass eyeballs and made them into jewellery.  Unidentified relatives of the corpses who cannot be named because nobody knows who the fuck they are were said to be - if they knew about it -  in deep shock at the revelations, to'ally and u''erly devastated.  This is simply not acceptable,  said somebody in a Leeds pub,  I mean,  that mighta been my uncle, whose eye Sir Jimmy was knobbin'.  I don't have an uncle but if I did it mighta been him so I think in all the circumstances I should 'ave some compo, off Sir Jimmy's estate, dun choo? I mean, if it was your uncle, how would you feel,  poor dead bastard getting' his eyeball knobbed.  It's just not respectful,  you expect better from the BBC.  It's all the Jews I blame. And the homos.      

The chair of the Co-ordinated Savile Cover-Up Enquiry, eminent QC, Ms Kate Crow,

 barked at Newsnight that there was no appetite for a Public Enquiry.  Well, she continued, the victims might want one but I don't think it would be in their interests. And it's me who's the eminent QC around here, so they can just fuck off back to their miserable, fucked-up lives.  I have drawn together many NHS cover-ups and all are conclusive.  So there is no need whatsoever for a further full and far-reaching public cover-up which would simply upset a lot of important people who have thus far kept their arses away from the fire and whose names might leak-out before the enquiry could properly cover them up. No,  no-one is to blame for this dreadful wotsaname, scandal, yes, scandal.  Neither Mrs Edwina CurrieTramp,

  who literally gave Sir James  Beast the keys to the loonybin, 

Now listen, I'm rather bright m'self, y'know, went to Oxford and everything but even I simply never thought that this obviously rotten old beast was a rotten old beast.
and anyway,  
the main thing was that we beat the screws' union at that fucking loonybin.  What does it matter if a few  mad slappers and  nutters got fucked up the arse, teach them to 
behave themselves and quite frankly stop being a burden on decent taxpayers. 
There, that's me off the hook.

nor the cruel and cynical screws who permitted the abuse, laughing at the victims, like they do, the rotten fucking bastards; nor all the nurses and doctors and porters and managers in all the hospitals are to blame and even if they were, it's all water under the bridge,  now.  And there should be absolutely no criticism of BBC producers, how were they to know what Savile was up to?  

It's not as if it was happening under their noses, on their premises, with their audiences. Least said, soonest mended.  That'll be three hundred thousand pound, please, plus VAT. No cheques.  And a seat on the Supreme Court.  ASAP.

Interviewed for Newsnight, 

veteran campaigner for herself to be in the public eye, Ms Esther Baggage,  said, now listen I'm quite the intellectual myself, went to Oxford like most people, and been around a bit too,
 got some skidmarks,
I mean streetsmarts.

What I don't know about child abuse, isn't worth knowing. I am the country's foremost expert.  But brilliant as I obviously am,  I never would have guessed in my wildest dreams that this hideous old monster was a hideous old monster. So that's me in the clear.

I think this photo proves beyond doubt that I am off the hook.

At Prime Minister's Apologies,   pretend prime minister, David Cameron, was too busy not apologising for appointing one of Mr Murdoch's men as his house nigger to be able to apologise for Mrs Whisky Maggie
 busting her  warty arse to get a knighthood for Sir Jimmy.  And even if he hadn't been, he wouldn't .  But if he had, it would've went  something like this.

Mr Tiny Speaker, Sir James told me he wasn't a beast and that was good enough for me.  I'm a decent sort of chap who likes to give people a second chance,  only not poor people, of course, who need to jolly well stand on their own one or two ot however many feet they have, not  my problem, their feet, but with decent, prosperous wealthy people, people who take as much as they can from society and try not to put anything back, decent people, like you and I and all members of this house,  well,  I give 'em a chance, Mr Tiny Speaker, that's just the sorta guy I am.  Especially, Mr Tiny Speaker,  when Mr Murdoch tells me.  In fact, my right honourable and learned friend, the Attorney General, Mr Dominic Prat,  and I have been discussing an amendment to the entire criminal justice system whereby if a burglar, for instance, says he hasn't done any burgling  or a rapist says he hasn't done any raping, gives categorical assurances to people to that effect, then, even if the dogs in the street know that burglar A is up to his arse in widespread burglaries and rapist B's dick is dropping off from frantic, violent overuse  then just so long as people are prepared to do the decent thing and give them the benefit of the doubt, even if, as in Mr Coulson's case, there wasn't any doubt, that should be the end of the matter. What we are talking about here is nothing less than the long-overdue reversal of the status quo - where, for instance, now, Mr Murdoch's placeman is  innocent until proven guilty, in future he will be innocent even until after he is proven guilty.  Even if it means that the burglar or the rapist is given the opportunity to commit further crimes,  just as long as the person who gave them that opportunity offers a sorry-assed, meaningless, shit-mouthed  apology,  then that should be enough to satisfy everybody, even if they've unfortunately been raped or burgled. 

Of course I'll visit you,
 just as soon as you get out of prison.

 Has Mr Coulson committed any crimes while in Downing Street?  No, of course not. How do I know?   He gave me his assurance.  And that's what counts, after all.  And anyway, Lord Justice Leveson covered all these things, even though he didn't.  Mr Patrick Cock? 

My special advisor on kiddyporn ?   
Well, yes, he is a personal fiend. I mean friend, Yes, like Mrs Brooks. And Mr Coulson.  And the bloke who owns WONGA.  But look, lessbeclear on this,  I never comment, Mr Tiny Speaker,  on ongoing trials, apart from the other day, when the judge gave me a bit of a bollocking but we need to be very clear, because the reputation of a personal friend of mine is at stake,
 Mr Cock's collection of kiddy porn, lessbeclear,  was at what experts call the lower end of the tarrif.  So,  no Great Danes, no whippings and floggings and definitely no torturing to death, topics with which I am sure many honourable and right honourable members are obsessed, I mean  familiar, from their work on various select committees and fact-finding holidays to  Bangok and Rio de Janeiro and the Reeperbahn,  which, Mr Tiny Speaker, it bears repeating,  they often undertake in their all-too-brief holidays from this place. Although not, obviously, at their own expense. Nor accompanied by their wives.

Hear-hear, waving of order papers. 
singing: For he's a jolly good liar, for he's a jolly good liar.... 

Well, quite a week for Mr Cameron.
  Here's Andrew Hairpiece, the cradle snatcher,
making his debut on Newsnight;
 he went to Glasgow University, you know and helped Mr Murdoch
get established in his business of coarsening the British public discourse.

   Brooks, Coulson, McKenzie, Gotcha! Hillsborough, Teenage Tits - doorstepping, hacking, none of it would've happened without Andy.

That was all a long time ago, sort of, and now nobody in our business asks Andy what Rupert's arsehole tastes like.  But they think it. He's here tonight, anyway, with his clunking sarcasm and weary metaphors;  good job he's a gopher and a fixer, cos he'd starve writing. 

 Dunno how he gets away with it, must have the dirt on some PBC executives. 'Swhat Murdoch's people do. Anyway, here's the old creep with his oldperson postcards with his questions on them  and his  very own Take of the Week.

Thank you, Laura  and maybe you'll join me later in the Old Folks lounge, two Scottish journalists together, a long way from home No?  Please yourself.  But I know your boss.

And yes, viewers, and I know you're thinking where's Paxman  but tonight you've got the real thing,  the real McCoy; so crack open the Blue Nun and enjoy my greatness. And it has been a firecracker of a week for the prime minister;  fuck-ups, cock-ups, balls-ups, worthless apologies, his mate about to be thrown in jail, his other mate nicked for noncing but look on the bright side, health seckatry, Jeremy Hunt, was able to deflect some of the heat by announcing some evasive bollockstalk  about that nasty old git, Savile,  as though it was all over bar flinging a few coppers and a few platitudes to his victims but, just as it was supposed to, and no,viewers, I'm not being cynical, what, me, ask that woman on a raft if you don't believe me,  it took the attention away from  Cameron's spin doctor, Andy Coulson,  being unspun, so to speak, by an old Bailey jury and then, fuck me sideways,  thirty-six hours later he's getting his arse handed to him by Europe and he's still running around like  a headless fucking chicken, 

spluttering about his long term economic plan; all these fucking nonsensical zero-hours non-jobs;  about his leadership in Europe,  what Russia has to do. And as a backdrop to all this lunacy  there's deflation, prices are going down, now, like wages,  house prices are rocketing again thanks to the white slug in the treasury and now Chinese gangsters as well as Russians are buying-up London with Micky Mouse money. And that's not to mention the football, which we won't.  Although if England has done any better you can bet David Cameron'd desperately be claiming credit.  If I was Scottish I'd be voting for Independence.

and don't let the prime minister's brain germs bite.

An elderly journalist relaxes on his day off.


Anonymous said...

How do you even begin to comment on THAT, for fucks' sake?

As tirades go, that was weapons grade!

Agatha said...

Absolutely no need to listen to the news, read the papers - Mr. Ishmael tells the truth they are all trying to cover over to secure their personal interest. Seeing it all woven together - well, it is all a bit of a worry, especially for those who think that we live in the best of all possible lands and that, basically, essentially, we're the good guys.

Woman on a Raft said...

Thank you for contrasting these, Mr Ishmael. There is a parallel between the Savile story and the EU story in that both were born in an age when it was difficult to find information and compare notes.

Some people (like yourself) had always spotted the underlying truth about Savile. Others had enough of a legal background to point out that the term 'pooling sovereignty in relevant areas' really meant 'all of them'. However, it is one thing to have spotted something, quite another to find the sources which show that what you have spotted is real.

Anonymous said...

It's hard to imagine that, with reference to Jimmy Savile, there can be so much billowing black smoke without some sort of fire. On the other hand I haven't seen anything other than rumour and unsubstantiated claims. He bought his glass eye ring, for instance, in London, according to one witness, whereas a missing eye from a semen-filled socket might have been noticed, even by the NHS. No, the entire story is too bad and improbable to be true and he's a distraction from warmongering behaviour from further up the food chain. Anna Raccoon, for instance, has forensically destroyed the alleged Dunscroft(?) victims' stories as the timelines don't match up etc etc. Maybe I'm wrong though, but the allegations are so wild as that they are unbelievable. Maybe it's wishful thinking because if he did what they say it means that it must have been known and ignored by very influential people.

callmeishmael said...

That's what I meant, mr richard, I made it all up about the eyes, just as Ms Crow, QC, wanted us to do. The only possible evidence of this behaviour must have been furnished by witnesses who must be complicit and must be charged; this whole business serves only to exculpate those really responsible from top to bottom, in government, the BBC, the cops and the NHS. The same situation obtains with Cyril Smith, with the police child abuse scandals in Northern Ireland and with Wlliam Hague's Welsh cover up.

There comes an accretion, mrs woar, from Life's millenial diversities, of skin-crawling, flesh-greeping back of the neckness which equips us to recognise danger.If, as happens, people short-circuit that early warning system, crossing it's wires with charisma and celebrity then the beast will prevail; Fred West, Harold Shipman and Savile were able to bamboozle and compel others to their will, when they should not have
been able to; they all looked and sounded creepy enough to ring alarm bells, which many of their victims couldn't or didn't want to hear.

For centuries the Lord Chancellor and local watch committees policed the content and the behaviour of showbusiness, alert to the vagaries of its practitioners. Those were the days.

I will look at your link, just now, thanks.

Bungalow Bill said...

It's the lack of any sense of humour or irony which betrays Cameron and his disgusting kind. The mirthless bark they use instead of a laugh, the impregnable conviction that their hilarious fuckwittery really, truly matters. They have no sense of the absurd and so they are absurd and commit absurdities; and with that, of course, they have no sense of human tragedy and so they bring it about.

call me ishmael said...

Such ghastly attemopts at humour as he deploys are rank, spiderleg-pulling atrocties, to amuse the other nasty boys.

They are repulsive, Cameron and his chums, in a way that Labour seldom is, mr bungalow bill. It is almost a re-enactment of Normans and Anglo-Saxons, the male Tory front bench, aside from Uriah Gove and Mr FatPickles, seeming to model itself on Prince John or the Sherrif of Nottingham - dark, aloof, indignant, affronted and entitled; sneering at the rest of us for our lack of courtliness and savoir faire.

According to one set of genealogical suppositions, we are kinsmen, Cameron and I, although fortunately I have had the rough edges knocked back onto me. The man's a cunt.

Woman on a Raft said...

Your instincts were right about Rolf Harris, too.

"I don't know who Gary Barlow is or what he does; apart from the fact that he was in entertainment and that immediately makes me think of Rolf Harris and Jimmy Saville, Max Clifford and the rest of showbusiness, Michael Jackson, that global gang of simpering hideous kiddyfiddlers."

The press reports I read did not adequately explain how many separate witnesses there were; I wonder if there were additional reporting restrictions because they are at pains to point this out now. Or maybe I wasn't paying attention.

call me ishmael said...

I have no special instinct, mrs woar; I think I said before that Harris revolted me when I was about seven and he was on kids' teevee with Charlie Drake; he was just creepy, why didn't the grown ups see that? Once they are familiar, they've got it made.

Funny you should say that, about press restriction, for in the Brooks-Coulson case, some days after the jury was sent out to consider its verdict I couldn't find more than the opening of the judge's summing-up, nowhere.

I can't imagine you, one of our consiglieri, not paying attention.

Woman on a Raft said...

It might be reporting restrictions but there has been a decline in the standards of court reporting since it is now seen as a branch of the celebrity and social pages. It is known there was a conscious decision in the Sun to move towards celebrity gossip so the charge of coarsening the public realm is really what Murdoch should be blamed for (as you have so often rightly nailed him with).

BTW, I generally reject the idea that Savile was mixed up with Heath. Savile's offending was about the exercise of unlimited control but so was Heath's, on a grand political scale. I would be surprised if those two could bear to be in the same room as each other.

The political lesson I will be promoting from these prosecutions is that it is not about the sex. It is about control. Sex is just one way the control is expressed. That a key political operator thinks he can get pissed and put his hands down anybody's trousers is ridiculous. That the victims were so habituated that they do not even consider themselves victims is horrifying.

It is possible to groom an entire nation to accept abuse and subservience to someone else's design, and this proves it.
The sexual wrongdoing is a rehearsal, testing behaviour, for political domination.

Woman on a Raft said...

The Mirror has a good summary:

In it is an obscure video of interest for how we were; the team introductions for Star Games.

call me ishmael said...

Made me blanch, too, the Nigel Evans' victims' collusion.And it is a climate seeded by MediMinster here and over there. Just look at the treatment received by Monica Lewinsky. You have pre-empted a post I have just finished - justice as entertainment, but no matter,I'll post it anyway, an entire nation groomed.

Anonymous said...

A weapons grade tirade indeed! There is much to consider here. However, and for now, I shall limit my observations to the 'Fruit-Kippers' plans for the repatriation of certain groups that you mention above. These may now be derailed as Bongo-Land has been claimed by the Caliphate and renamed 'The Land of Habasha'. However they may be willing to help with the Homos as their bearded ones are very angry with these people. SG

callmeishmael said...

Might come to pass, also, mr sg, that Mr al Farajhi must needs expand his list of deportables to include the PBC, the Commons and all the other upright, establishment child beasters; round 'em all up and send them to the Caliphate, for skinning alive. I'd vote for that.

Anonymous said...

Yes indeed Mr I - and then erect the 300 metre high fence around the coast just in case the bearded ones are not as zealous as they seem. SG