Wednesday, 29 April 2009



It's just typical, said Ms Nicola Moustache, Scotland's pretend Health Supremo, in Scotland's pretend parliament, the half-billion pound, leaking monstrosity, Kirsty Wark House. These fucking pigs, she continued, they're all up frae England, shitting on decent Jock's going aboot their business, cross-dressing, wife-beatin' and drinkin' themselves intae an early grave. It's time we had a Scotch army, shoot these wee bastards doon, the noo, d'ye ken.

In Switzerland, the Scotch foreign Secretary, Lady Sir Sean Connery is said to be raising an army of tax-avoiding Jock ex-patriot luvvies (ie Annie Lennox of the Dyke Millionaire Buddhists Association.) Unsheathing his mighty sword, Sir Sean, 82, said I may not be in ma prime but we Scotcsh are tough old buzzardsh and Ah'll shee theshe pigsh off, sho Ah will, if itsh the lasht thing I do.

In Westminster, hereditary Labour aristocrat, Ms Harriet Soursister, dressed for the emergency in her customary giraffe-skin-patterned, man-deterring camouflage, said, now was not the time to worry, that she was in charge; these pigs, wicked as they are, must be treated in a non-gender specific manner, apart from the males who should be hoisted upside down on an A-Frame and have their throats cut, especially that swine,Lord Crabs, the business secretary. Mr Deputy Porker, I protest on a point of order, said the Singing Postman, Alan "Disease" Johnson, I'm in charge, of the pigs, anyway. (cries of Siddown ya cunt!) A statement from the prime minister, Gordon Snot:

Thank you Mr Deputy Porker,I'm in charge, nice to see you, to see you nice. I am pleased to tell the House that I have been in discussions with my good friend and admirer, young President Obamalamadingdong, and he agrees with me that we must give the pigs all the money they need to stay airborne, we simply cannot let them fail. Or fall. It is the right thing to do, cast the Nation's pearls before swine. Trust me. I'm a fucking lunatic.

(Shouts outside the House, chanting, Kill The Pigs! Kill The Pigs!)

I think, Mr Deputy Spanker, said Mr Nick Haircut for the LibDems, they mean us.

Gorbals Mick: Order-order. The Hoose will rise. Honourable and Right Honourable members should all run for your fucking lives.

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Verge said...

"nice to see you, to see you nice"

Funny you should throw that in. Just the other day it occurred to me that the second half of this catch-phrase is such an odd construction it may as well suggest a progressive rearrangement with, inevitably, "see you nice to" cropping up sooner or later. Not far off the old "see you on Tuesday" routine. So maybe all these years, the cheeky old bastard Brucie has been calling us a collective cunt. Well worth a knighthood in my book.

call me ishmael said...

At least he can play the piano and doesn't eat snot in front of the entire world. Bound to be a better prime minister than this cunt. Time to beat the clock, for big time prizes, that was his first catch phrase. He can dance, too, Bruce, not Snotman, the horrible fucking bastard.