Monday, 27 April 2009


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Prime Minister Brown is said to be hoping to co-ordinate the global response to swine fever. War on Pigs, is what I shall be urging on my fellow despots at the Pork Twenty meeting which I shall be convening in London with the help of our wonderful magnificently professional homicidal police force, said an upbeat premier, clunking his famous Claw of Doom on the rostrum at Downing Street. Yes, I am appalled by the images of masked MetNazis thrashing women with sticks and punching them in the face, truly appalled, even if a little bit excited, but what we should remember at a time like this, when everything is going down the pan only not really as long as I stay in charge, is that when all is said and done, at the end of the day, hard working homeless British families will realise that images are not really real, images of that poor bloke dying are just images, he didn’t really die, it’s just an image, as the IPCC cover-up will reveal.

And as for the pigs, well if you see one you must not approach him, or her, you can tell the males by the corkscrew cocks they have, quite remarkable, but instead you must contact Mr Benn at DEFRA or whatever its called and he will send you a form to fill in and tell you how much the fine will be if you get it wrong. I have spoken on the telephone to Senor Pancho Tortillo, my Mexican opposite number, and he is happy, as is President Obamalama, for me to lead the fight against Swine Fever, just as I have so successfully brought about the global recession. The first thing we must do is count the pigs three times and then throw them all on the fire, just as we so successfully did with all the nation’s money; if any pigs are left over we must establish the market value and then sell them for a quarter of that, as we did with the nation’s gold and if any pigs still remain then honourable and right honourable members and myself must shit in their faces, just as, for twelve years, we have been doing with the nation. It is the right thing to do. Kill all the pigs. At least, for a change, we’ll get no arguments from our valued Muslim brethren. War on Pigs, has to sound better to them than War on Ragheads, doesn’t it.

Rather a shame in a way, isn’t it, that my top terror expert, Sergeant Bob Thick, had to resign from the Met because he revealed details of a plan to arrest a dozen innocent men. Fuck me, as they say up on the Reservation in Scotland, ye couldnae make it up. Keystone fucking cops, envy of the world. Sergeant Thick of the Yard, top secret lists of innocent people. Still,fuck the war on terror, all in the past now, said Mr Brown, picking his nose, best to concentrate on eliminating the world's pig population. War on pigs. Now is not the time for a novice.

Asked if his goons had plans to kill or thrash any more citizens Mr Brown replied that this was a matter for Obedience minister, Frau Schmidt, in whom he had a great deal of not very much confidence. But look, hard-working homeless families and small gone-out-of-businesses will quite properly expect me to focus all my attention on the pig crisis, and this is exactly what I shall be doing from the moment I get up at 4.00 am each day. It is the right thing to do. D'ye wanna buy a car ? My friend, Lord Crabs, can you get you two grand off, only obviously not the three or four grand off which you could get for yourself, anyway; so, with measures like that in place to stimulate the economy I may very well get re-elected, which will be a first.

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