NEWS IN BRIEF.

I don't know, maybe mr mike knows, or mr jgm2, they are - in deference to our newly acquired compulsory Frogness -  hommes du monde and have probably visited the Land of the Rising Sun but it seems to me that they already have miserable, pathetic, little lives, the Japanese; scurrying about obediently, 

with smog masks on their little, toothy faces; saying the company prayers five times a day;  

 doing the company exercises; 
their economy is in constant recession, their prime ministers, like ours,  are all fucking crooks, they are force-fed raw fish and are shitting themselves every time the wind blows on their paper houses, just in case there's a tsunami or an earthquake or a nuclear plant meltdown - and that's before people like me remind them of how their honourable filthy bastard ancestors treated British POWs.  And then there's all the mutated babies and generational cancers caused by Uncle Sam's 

 

crewcut psychobastard aircrews 

dropping atom boms on them. 

 

You'd think they'd have enough to deal with, 

poor little toothy bastards but no,

 

 Ahmed the HeadChopper has captured a couple of them and wants two hundred million bucks to hand them over.  

Frankie Hollande, the cock-waving French president, coughs up for his blokes when they're captured and so do the wops, 

 

Frogs and Eyeties don't even like being killed in the line of duty, never mind being captured and killed on l'oliday and both are the world's best-known benders-over. 

 Dunno about the Dutch, they ran a mile from Srebrenica,

 

 When it's Spring, again, we'll bring, again

Cowards from Amsterdam.

drove  like fuck away, at the double,  leaving all those Muslims to die, so you can bet that they'll have paid up quietly, more than once; 

 

Hey, bro', every time I see yo' ass

the more yo' head look like a joint a ham.

Thank you, sir.

'sonly Dave HamFace and Barry, Chief Torturer of the Free World, who refuse to pay, and I'm not too sure about Barry, actually; if it was an exceptional American hostage a deal would be done, as it would, bet your arse it would, if Prince Harry Hooligan fell into the wrong hands.  But I understand that Dave and Bazz are busy advising prime minister TojoSanyo that he mustn't pay, that he should be like Britain. 

And not do deals with terrorists.     

I am sure there will be some surviving Brits who quite understandably will be unmoved by a pair of Nips losing their heads to sharp blades but most of us won't.  I never tire of saying that John Donne wasn't lying, no man is an island, each man's death diminishes me, especially when  a few scraps of worthless electronic money would save them.

Manic, fucked-up, frightened, superstitious, suicidal, living down their in Earthquake Alley, only porno-comics for distraction, threatened by the Chinks, their kids constantly raped by American troops, coughing their fucking lungs up, too many teeth, the Japs have enough to deal with. They should stop posturing, pay the money and get these poor fuckers home.

LAWNFORCEMENT, MIDSOMER STYLE.

This is very strange. The Filth in Sussex, in one of those Midsomer Murders locations,    are giving five or ten or however many it is thousands of blokes the opportunity to eliminate themselves from a murder enquiry by providing police with DNA samples.

Now, the fact ot the matter is that anyone  - me, for instance or you - against whom the police have no evidence is already eliminated and need not  eliminate himself, further, it is  a condition known as innocence; it is the job of lawnforcement to catch murderers; it is not the job of the citizen to prove his innocence. 

To prove that he didn't murder Mrs Valerie Graves.
 
And the other fact of the matter is that even if, as seems likely, thousands of decrepit, immurderous assholes 

Well, nothing to hide, nothing to fear, 
that's what I've always said; 
only too happy to co-operate with the police; 
 does my beard look good in this?
Yes, it is actually, my first time on telly.
Of course, it might well lead to a role in Midsomer Murders.
Splendid series, splendid.
Filmed round here, y'know.

conscientiously and pompously  march themselves along for self-elimination from something in which they are not, never were and never will be involved we can be sure that the person or persons responsible for the murder will, obviously, not, leaving DCI Filth 


Opportunity to eliminate myself?
Go and fuck yourself.
 
with only about another thirty-five million suspects, all of whom should, without delay, engage in a national self-elimination  from the murder of Mrs Graves process; although even that won't help, because by the time every bastard's been swabbed, Matey will be in Argentina.

DCI Filth has given solemn copperspeak assurance that all the innocent DNA-ers will have their samples destroyed, after a while, maybe. 

And if they believe that, they deserve to be framed for murder, like so many before them, hundreds and hundreds.

DCI Tom Barnaby, from the real Midsomer Murders'd have no truck with this shit.


Y'know, Joyce, I've always said that coppering was for coppers, it's not a community encounter group, specially not for the sort of oddballs we have here, in Midsomer.

Is that a wrap, doctor?