The Sunday Ishmael: 7/9/2025

When it comes to scandals, it is said that the Conservatives do sex, the Labour Party does money. Which is bollocks, really - think about the Tories with their hands in the till and Colin Smyth. Mind you, Colin combines the worst of both worlds, doing sex and money.

For our non-UK readers and those who haven't been paying much attention - and, who, indeed, can blame you, these are the facts. 

Just stick to the facts, Ma'am.

Colin Smyth is a Member of the Scottish Parliament (MSP). He's a former General Secretary of Scottish Labour, and was elected by the good people of Dumfries and Galloway as their Labour politician, until Scottish Labour sacked him for alleged outrageousness. He will be appearing before the Dumfries Sheriff court on September 24th, when he can explain to them that he didn't do it. Do what? Nothing. This is the statement he issued last week: 

“This allegation has come as an utter shock and one I strongly refute. For legal reasons, I can’t respond to specific matters or speculation, and I appreciate there is a process to go through which I am, of course, fully cooperating with. But I sincerely hope it can be concluded quickly and fairly. The speculation, and the recent decision by the police to publicly release details of their ongoing inquiries along with my home address, has been devastating and has taken a serious toll on my health. After my address was published with no warning to my family, I felt I had no choice but to move away to protect them. That has also meant losing the local NHS critical support I had been receiving for the past few weeks, making an already difficult time even more distressing. I would therefore ask that the privacy of myself, but above all, my family and friends, is respected while this matter is resolved. Having this hanging over them is especially overwhelming."

Everyone's a victim, hey? I never met a crim who didn't consider himself to be a victim. Colin is a former teacher of Modern Studies. Hmm, very modern indeed, Colin.

So this is what he says he didn't do and is utterly shocked by (and, as a side bar, me too - I'm utterly shocked by it.)

Colin Smyth has been charged in connection with alleged possession of indecent images of children and in relation to allegations that a hidden camera was placed in a cubicle inside the Scottish Parliament. Since news of the spycam became public MSPs have been asked to reassure staff working at Holyrood...At least five MSPs along with several journalists and staff were contacted by police over alleged secret toilet recordings in Parliament. I wonder how that went? "Excuse me, sir/madam, but we are working to identify the anus and genitalia featuring in video footage currently under investigation .... do you think this might be your poo? Would you identify this sanitary napkin? Is this your tattoo visible in this footage of a joystick being jiggled/ a flounder being pounded?"

Good gods, I have enough toileting issues already without having to check for spy cameras hidden in the toilet bowl. That's it. No more public toilets for me.

Anyway, officers were forced to carry out an emergency sweep of the building, but failed to find a spy camera in the Holyrood toilets. Colin's Holyrood pass was deactivated on August 28th, so Scottish Parliamentarians can point Percy at the porcelain or engage in the five-knuckle shuffle during breaks in the onerous business of running the Scottish government without worrying about who might be watching - or engaging in his own voyeuristic monkey-spanking.

So far, so gross. Then there's the paedophilia allegations - denied, of course. The former teacher and father of two daughters met a Girl Guide group of teenage girls at Holyrood only a few days after he was charged with possessing indecent images of children.

Colin is understood not to be contributing to parliamentary proceedings after being signed off work on medical grounds. Anyway, he can't get in, as he was stripped of his pass. For this relief, much thanks. Despite that, the Sunday Mail revealed Colin continues to live rent free in a flat near the parliament building. His most recently published Parliamentary expenses show claims of £865 a month for rent along with £2,308 a year for council tax and hundreds of pounds in utility bills for the property. The Sunday Mail turned up a source who said: “Most MSPs just stay in a hotel as and when their work requires it but given the distance to his constituency Colin has a permanent fully furnished flat with all bills paid for by the tax payer". 

That's me. I'm a Scottish tax payer.

The source continued: “He has been effectively banned from entering the parliament building and is not doing any work at the moment but he is continuing to take advantage of his free flat.”

Well, that will be the Labour financial acumen kicking in. 

Like with the Ginger Growler - just couldn't resist saving a bob or two. It will be the disadvantaged childhood, no doubt.

You'll remember the origin of Big Ange's affectionate nickname?

Back in April 2022, Westminster, the media and the bien pensants were up in arms about a rumour, or Outrageous Slur, circulating against the Deputy Labour Leader, Angela Rayner. How could such a thought pop into anyone's mind? What possible evidence could there be?

Just because Ange is very difficult to take seriously as a politician – the sheer aggression, the dated class war rhetoric, the name-calling, the refusal to dress appropriately and have a middle-class, middle-aged helmet haircut - that's no reason to suppose that she's been flashing Boris.

- even though she'd probably think it would be a hilarious thing to do. It gave the Prime Minister the opportunity to  send kindly, avuncular and reassuring tweets and assure the House that: “I did not look up the Right Honourable Grandmother’s Fundament”.

The Speaker of the House assured us that when he had uncovered the originator of the appalling, misogynist allegation against Growler Rayner there would be Consequences. He was egged on by Growler herself, who stated in the Tweetosphere that she was a victim of “sexism and misogyny”.

“I stand accused of a ‘ploy’ to ‘distract’ the helpless PM – by being a woman, having legs and wearing clothes,” Rayner said. She accused Johnson’s allies of “resorting to spreading desperate, perverted smears in their doomed attempts to save his skin”. “He and his cheerleaders clearly have a big problem with women in public life. They should be ashamed of themselves. I won’t be letting their vile lies deter me. Their attempts to harass and intimidate me will fail.”

Turned out it was Big Ange herself who originated the Outrageous Slur. Over a glass of wine on the Westminster Terrace.

Note - not being conversant with northern factory slang, I had to consult the Urban Dictionary for the definition of growler.

I have an English relative who firmly believes they are all corrupt. I think he speaks for the majority of the country. I suggested that some of them might not be corrupt. Just stupid. Or incompetent. "What," he said, "like Nicola oops, where did that £600,000 quid go and where did that campervan turn up from?"

So I looked up "corrupt", because I'd been thinking it was a term usually applied to leaders in more exotic countries, whose nests were well-feathered by international aid. Turns out my relative was right.

Here you go - 

Corrupt: Definition

1. having or showing a willingness to act dishonestly in return for money or personal gain, evil or morally depraved
2. (of a text or a computer database or program) made unreliable by errors or alterations
3. (of organic or inorganic matter) in a state of decay; rotten or putrid: "a corrupt and rotting corpse" 

It has been said that the rules around the rate at which Stamp Duty is levied are complicated, that Big Ange acted on professional advice before making her stamp duty declaration and that she is a victim and it is all a shame.

The rules aren't that complicated. You buy one house to live in, you pay a lower rate than you do if you buy a second house. The idea being to deter people from having more than one house, to free up housing stock for people who don't have any houses.  It's a Labour idea. 

Rayner had removed her name from the deeds of the family home  she owned in Ashton-under-Lyne, before buying a flat for £800,000 in Hove and declaring that she was eligible for the single-property Stamp Duty tax rate. But... she had sold her £162,500 stake in the family home to the trust set up for the care of her disabled son, from compensation awarded from the NHS.

HM Govt.'s website states: "Where a minor child would be treated as owning an interest in land because they are a beneficiary of a trust, the parents of that child (and, if the parents are not married to one another, the spouses or civil partners, if any, of those parents) are treated for the purposes of Condition C as owners of the interest."

Not complicated - there on the website for anyone to read.

By this piece of finessing, Rayner had hoped to save herself £40,000. It actually lost her £67,505 - her annual salary as Housing Secretary. Her role as Deputy Prime Minister is unpaid, as is the role of Deputy Leader of the Labour Party. She now has to rub along on her basic MP's salary of £93,904. 

The second leg of her defence was blown out of the water by the conveyancing firm, Verrico & Associates, who handled the purchase of the Hove flat for Rayner. They stated that they did not give Rayner tax or trust advice and that they always direct their clients to accountants or tax experts for such matters.

The third leg of her defence - that she's a victim and it is all a big shame - well, that's a matter of opinion. You could take the view that the Telegraph's role in uncovering this sordid and ultimately failed attempt at a bit of corruption was motivated by a certain witch-hunting zeal and class spite, and that Kemi Badenoch has been less than sisterly in the remarks she has made about Rayner in the House and elsewhere. But Rayner has said worse herself about her class enemies, the Tories.

Toolmakersson Starmer has publicly lauded her as a working class hero, while privately breathing a sigh of relief and sacking her. And I think she is a gobby, vicious, vulgarian gabshite, with an over-weening sense of entitlement, who has been incredibly lucky. But that's just me.

Talking of entitled, vulgarian gabshites, I've just finished Andrew Lownie's unauthorised biography of Prince Andrew; Entitled, The Rise and Fall of the House of York. 

Corrupt, greedy, stupid, sex-addicted and pompous, with a retarded sense of humour, Prince Andrew is a pretty good argument for the repeal of the monarchy. Why did he think it was ok to insult his staff and call one a fat lardy arsehole? Why did he think it was ok to ask Emma Gruenbaum, his sports massage therapist: "Do you take it up the arse?" Come to that, why does he need daily massaging? Just asking. Lownie suggests that Andrew's problems with sex stem from being sexually abused as a small boy. Maybe - more likely it was his stupidity, lack of any social skills, misogyny and having spent his life floating in privilege and deference. If he'd had a swift, solid punch to the nose - the sort where you taste blood - whenever he made an unwelcome sexual advance - ok, assault, on a girl or woman coerced by Epstein, or overwhelmed by respect for his status - maybe that might have helped him grow up. Do you know that this boy-man travelled with his own massage table and ironing board? Honest, not invent. A Buckingham Palace employee is quoted as saying: "If the unconditional truth is ever released I think the British public would try to impeach the royal family. A Frenchwoman called Janice, who was pimped to Andrew by Epstein said: " One day the entire truth will come out.....Now is not the time because Andrew seems to be above the law.." In 2007 Epstein was interviewed by Ian Halperin for his book . He described Andrew as: " like a brother to me but he has two dual personalities. On one hand he's Prince Charming and on the other he has the dirtiest mind I've ever seen." A dirtier mind than Epstein - that's going some. 

So, if you need  a good hate-brace, Lownie's book will do it for you.

Here's something different: Lou Reed and Antony:

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.