Should you ever escape from British shores - here's a very important tip that I learned recently: while driving a hire car on those long straight American roads, should you chance to bite your tongue hard, attempting to staunch the blood by sucking on an ice-lolly will not work. Also, you probably had to buy your ice lolly in a 6 pack, which you have placed in the footwell in the passenger compartment, and they will inevitably melt before you can get through them, leaving a large, sticky stain which will take some explaining and bribery, especially if the lollies were strawberry or cherry. Instead, always travel with tea bags, preferably the individually-wrapped ones, and apply the dry, unused teabag to your tongue wound. The teabag string and tag will, of course, protrude from between closed lips, causing some consternation to the State Trooper who inevitably will pull you over, and will be somewhat perturbed by the blood liberally anointing your collar, the strawberry-lolly stains on your chin and the pool of red sticky stuff in the passenger footwell. Not to mention the protruding string and tag.
They assured me that the teabag trick works. I'm guessing you need real tea and not fruity herbal shit. They didn't explain how he had bitten down so hard on his tongue that fountains of unquenchable blood ensued.
[Scene: Patrol car lights flashing. The Englishman sits slumped, teabag string dangling from his lips, shirt streaked red. The footwell glistens with sticky crimson.]
STATE TROOPER (alarmed, voice sharp):
“Sir! Stay where you are — don’t move. Are you hurt? That’s a lot of blood!”
[He radios in quickly.]
“Dispatch, I’ve got a driver with heavy bleeding — possible trauma. Send medical, code three.”
[Trooper leans closer, sees the retrieval string.]
“…Sir, what is that in your mouth? No, it can't be - not a used one? All that blood? Oh, thank god for that - you’ve got a teabag hanging out of your mouth. Are you conscious? Can you hear me?”
[The Englishman mumbles through clenched lips, the tag bobbing.]
STATE TROOPER
“I’ve pulled folks over for speeding, for tailgating, even for hauling livestock in the back seat… but never for turning your mouth into a teapot. You’ve got blood on your shirt, popsicles in your footwell, and a teabag string hanging out like a fuse. What on earth happened here?”
[The Englishman continues to mumble, trying to remove the teabag to facilitate speech, but unfortunately the teabag string is caught in his dental implant. He attempts an explanation]
STATE TROOPER (still urgent, but baffled):
“Alright, sir, hang on. Help’s on the way. And for the record… I’ve never seen anyone try to stop bleeding with a teabag and popsicles. But you just sit tight.”
State Trooper Incident Report (Draft)
Agency: State Highway Patrol
Officer: Trooper J.D. Miller
Date/Time: 23 November 2025, 16:42 hrs
Location: Mile Marker 118, State Route 40
Vehicle: Rental sedan.
Summary of Stop:
At approximately 16:42 hrs, I initiated a traffic stop on a sedan for erratic lane positioning. Upon approach, I observed the driver, a male with a British accent, seated behind the wheel with extensive red staining on his shirt and face. A large pool of red liquid was visible in the passenger footwell.
Initial impression was that the driver had sustained significant bleeding, possibly from a violent incident.
Observations:
• Red liquid appeared consistent with blood at first glance. Later determined to be melted strawberry popsicles.
• Driver had a string protruding from his mouth. Initial impression was that it resembled a tampon string.
• Closer inspection revealed the string was attached to a dry teabag, apparently applied by the driver as an improvised dressing for a bitten tongue.
• Driver was conscious, though speech was impaired due to tongue injury, presence of teabag or British diction.
Actions Taken:
• Radioed dispatch for medical assistance under assumption of trauma.
• Secured vehicle perimeter pending investigation of possible violent crime.
• Upon clarification, determined no foul play. Red staining was confectionary product, not blood.
• Driver explained he had attempted to staunch bleeding with frozen popsicles, which melted, and subsequently applied a teabag.
Conclusion:
No crime committed. Incident was a medical mishap compounded by confectionery spillage and unconventional first aid.
Recommendation:
• Training bulletin to remind officers that not all red fluids are blood.
• Note: Teabag strings may resemble other items; caution advised before assumptions are made.
Filed: Trooper J.D. Miller
Status: Closed – No further action
Local American News Bulletin – Scripted Segment
[Opening shot: dramatic theme music, aerial footage of a highway patrol car with lights flashing.]
ANCHOR (earnest, slightly breathless):
“Good evening. A routine drive for two British tourists nearly turned into a major incident here in the United States.
Highway Patrol officers say they were prepared for the worst when they spotted what appeared to be bloodstains across the driver’s shirt and face, and a pool of red liquid in the footwell of a rental car.
But investigators quickly discovered the liquid was not blood at all — it was melted strawberry ice popsicles. The driver had bitten his tongue and, in an improvised act of first aid, attempted to staunch the bleeding with frozen popsicles before resorting to a dry teabag.
Troopers admit they were briefly alarmed by the string protruding from the man’s mouth, which they mistook for something far more serious.
Authorities now confirm no crime was committed. The tourists were treated for minor injuries, and the hire car company has requested additional cleaning fees.
Local residents say it’s the most unusual roadside story they’ve heard in years — one witness describing it as ‘CSI meets afternoon tea.’”
[Closing shot: ANCHOR smiles faintly, papers shuffled.]
“Coming up after the break: a raccoon rescued from a vending machine. Stay with us.”
BBC News at Ten – Scripted Segment
[Opening shot: sombre music, Clive Myrie style gravitas]
ANCHOR:
“Good evening. A British tourist driving a hire car on a state highway in America has sparked alarm after a routine traffic stop turned into what officers initially believed was a violent crime scene.
State Troopers reported finding the man with red stains across his shirt and face, and a pool of crimson liquid in the passenger footwell. They feared a serious assault or even a murder had taken place.
However, forensic analysis later revealed the liquid was not blood, but melted strawberry ice lollies from a pack of six. The driver, who had bitten his tongue, had attempted to staunch the bleeding with the frozen lollies before resorting to a dry teabag.
Officers say the string protruding from his mouth was initially mistaken for a tampon string, adding to the confusion.
The incident has been described as ‘the most surreal roadside stop in twenty years.’ The man was treated for minor injuries, and no crime was committed.
The BBC understands the hire car company has requested additional cleaning fees.”
[Closing shot: ANCHOR shuffles papers, pauses gravely.]
“This has been BBC News at Ten.”
BBC Viewer Complaints Log – Extracts
Programme: News at Ten
Date: 23 November 2025
Subject: British tourist, hire car, teabag string incident
Complaint 1 – Mrs. D. from Surrey:
“I tuned in for serious news, not a man with ice lollies melting in his footwell. My husband thought it was Casualty.”
Complaint 2 – Mr. R. from Leeds:
“The anchor said ‘tampon string’ on air. I nearly dropped my Yorkshire pudding. The BBC should not be discussing feminine hygiene products at six o’clock.”
Complaint 3 – Anonymous:
“Why was the teabag not Fairtrade? Licence fee payers deserve ethical hot beverages.”
Complaint 4 – Mrs. K. from Bristol:
“My children now believe strawberry lollies are lethal. Please clarify that they are safe when consumed responsibly.”
Complaint 5 – Mr. P. from Glasgow: “I thought it was blood. Then it was lollies. Then it was tea. I demand a flowchart.”
Editorial Response:
The BBC regrets any confusion caused by the broadcast. We acknowledge that references to melted lollies, improvised teabag first aid, and mistaken tampon strings may have startled viewers. Future reports will avoid confectionery metaphors unless cleared by Editorial Standards.
Here's the science:
Application: You can use a dry tea bag or soak it in hot or cold water before applying it to the bleeding area
Effectiveness: Tea bags are commonly used after dental procedures, such as tooth extractions, to control bleeding.
Scientific Basis: The tannic acid in tea bags aids in stopping bleeding, making them a useful home remedy for minor cuts and bleeding gums. For best results, apply the tea bag directly to the affected area and hold it in place until the bleeding stops.
Sensitivity Warning: Do not ask Google what "to teabag someone" means. If you do, remember, I warned you.
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