Tuesday, 21 July 2015


It's six o clock and our main story on Today is that top Tories from all parties are rallying round the govament in its war against, well, against the country. Blind Boy Blunkett, former leader of the NewLabour fascist wing, now a Murdoch Tory millionaire,  has attacked some in Labour for not being Tory enough, like him. 

The only way for us LabourTories to prosper and get as rich as me, grinned the cock-waving beardy, Blunkett,

 is for them to unite around David Cameron and George Osborne in a govament of Tory National Unity, like we have been doing. One that properly carries the battle to the real enemy, poor people.   And nig-nogs, of course. And slags who will no longer sleep with me, even though they're carrying my little lad in their filthy wombs.
 Every smile you fake,
 every claim you stake,
I'll be watching' you. 
Only not me, obviously. 
Special Branch.

Cuts, that's what we need, cuts, cuts and more cuts, allied to meaningful tax initiatives for wealth creators, like me. What do I mean by meaningful? Well, zero rate would be fine for a start but ideally a progressive nation would move towards a tax credits system, one where for every million tax-free pounds one acquired, say by holding shares in a company which, as a minister, one was supposed to regulate, the govament would give us, say, another half-million, as a credit, for stealing. yes, and misuse of public office.
No, no, these allegations are all unfounded, again.
And I am resigning because I have done absolutely nothing wrong, Again.
 The media, to its shame, 
 seems to have it in for blind criminals. Evben though they'r innocent.

 It really is the only way for us to balance the books; stop giving money to unimportant poor people and give it to rich people. What? MI5? Am I still using them to bully married women into giving me their children?  Well, actually John, as you well know, that's classified information, when a home seckatry deploys national resources in the service of his cock, well, no-one would expect  a man of high principle, like me, to talk about that filthy slag.

And we are joined now in the studio by the pretend leader of the pretend Labour party, the well-known Tory, Mrs Harriet Soursister. 

Morning, Harriet, Jeremy Corbyn, he might be your new leader in a few weeks, whaddayoumakeofthat? Well, John, as you well know, I have been a Tory since before I was born and if people think they can elect a left wing Labourite to ruin a perfectly functional Tory party, like mine, then they jolly well have another think coming.

 I'm a feminist you know, so don't fuck with me.    

But if you are a Tory, why aren't you in the Tory party? I am John, I am, that's why we scrapped Clause Four and all that Labour nonsense about equality and redistribution and that's why we must vote for George Osborne's budget cuts. The  Cocaine Initiative, you mean?  Oh come, John, most of us in MediaMinster enjoy the odd toot, it's only when poor people get hold of drugs that they are problematic and that's why we must continue to protect them from themselves by putting them in jail. Or shooting them, as David once suggested.

What about the wimmen-only short lists, your husband,  Jack Harman, he seemed to get around that problem, didn't he, he was just parachuted-in......
Yes, but he's my husband, John. You're surely not  suggesting  that the rules should apply to him; it's not as though my party is a democracy.  

That was Harriet Harman for us there, explaining why there was no difference between herself and David Cameron, as if you needed telling.

And to play us out we are joined by yet another PBC sinecuriste, yes, I know, I'm one myself, I'm seventy and they can't get me to retire, and I still do Mastermind and I do documentaries in Greece where my older son coincidentally lives, 


so I get to see him at your expense and sometimes I squeeze him and his wife into the programme so that he earns a bit, from you lot.  I'm like David Blunkett, I also have a second young family to support, no, theyre mine, in this case, at least I think they are,  and I need every penny that the license fee affords me. Anyway, here he is, heart-throb of the Midnight Hour or This week or whatever it's called, it's  another showbiz politician, Tory Singing Postman, scab and class traitor, Lonesome Al Johnson, singing the Home Seckaterry Blues.

   Well, my bitch run off and left me,
Oh yeah,
For my personal bodyguard.....

And no wonder, Alan, no wonder.


Bungalow Bill said...

Jeremy was doing so well but the daft fuck has just been photographed taking tea with Marty and Gerry Murderer. Gerry was straight in with a killing tweet, right to the back of the head. Still it's been fun to see the Labour oligarchs drowning in their own shit.

call me ishmael said...

A smart ADC would counter that he was only prefiguring Good Queen Brenda's statecraft. It might yet be fun but the wind may well have deserted his sails for now. I mean, everybody shakes Gerry and Marty's claws, don't they?

mongoose said...

They are strangely silent about where my vote is. Three quid maybe wasted. Of course, they'll do anything to stitch the bugger up over the next fortnight or so.

And Burnham.... Must we? Really?

call me ishmael said...

It is fucking awful, isn't it, Bubbles. I still reckon a schism is the only useful outcome, the only place from which to build an opposition, if it is not too late for that.

mongoose said...

The shambles today has been a comic masterpiece. If they are not careful they'll be gone for another go. And they cannot afford to allow two or three years to meander by talking this sort of crap.

What can we agree on? a) We do not want another middle eastern war. b) if funds are tight, we would like the young, the sick, and libraries to come first. c) At times like these, we should not be spouting drivel about foxes/Muslims/LGBT rights and such. This is inward-facing bollocks. And how about working out how Scotland was lost and doing something about that? Labour is a fucking rabble because they haven't believed anything since before Blair, and now they have forgotten how to do even that.

SG said...

Alas for poor Mr Corbyn. Not the sharpest tool in the box is he? What next I wonder? Maybe a Koran signing event with the boys from Boko Haram? Or a BBQ with Jihadi John? Then again, maybe he's decided he doesn't want the job and is not so dumb after all. I like your idea of a schism Mr I - perhaps Jeremy could form a break-away party of his own for other likeminded and like-bearded folks? How about 'The Real Labour Party'? or 'Continuity Labour'? Still, never mind - plenty of other fuckwits to choose from (my money's on the Ice-Pixie just now...).

inmate said...

Well Mr Corbyn appears to be the favourite this morning despite the Great Satan's disaproval yesterday. Some cunt on Newsnight -a former 'adviser' to Satan- whining that all Labour MPs who support Mr Corbyn are morons and need their heads feeling, 'cause they don't agree with him. What is it with these 'I know besters'? Aren't we allowed a different opinion anymore? Must we all be TopHatters. I'd vote for him, Mr Corbyn, I may not agree with all he stands for, but because Satan doesn't approve and like me he has a grey beard.

call me ishmael said...

I saw that, dunno who was worst, McTiernan or Kirsty Cackle and Kirsty Stratton. It was like being a fly on the wall at a Notting Hill dinner oparty. Worse than that, it was, as you say, mr inmate, a demonstration of staggeringly undemocratic these bastards are. Up against the wall, motherfuckers, it's the only thing they'll understand.

call me ishmael said...

Further on up the road, mr sg, I take a different view - without necessarily endorsing Mr Corbyn, who is, let us not forget, a career politician, just like the rest.

call me ishmael said...

It doesn't matter, mr mongoose, what we agree on, if Swampy and Dave and the rest want a war, then war there will be. The internal, amke-believe war on Terror has failed to unite us around our masters, maybe a proper one will have a Falklands effect, Cameron is fucking stupid enough to believe that he will yet have his Winston moment. Bukkake George's cuts will obliterate the idea of free libraries and the Spunky One's plans are endorsed, as I say here, above, by HM Opposition - actually a partner in GNU. I think that the true purpose of EVEL is to prompt such outrage from the Tribesmen that the departure of Scotland will be seen as a jolly good thing. That leaves the sick and the young and nobody gives a fuck about them, people cheer, as you said a while back, at the bonfire of the wheelchairs.

Sorry for the delay in replying, I haven't been on the windowsill for a while, now, like Delaney's Donkey, I am temporary lazy, permanently tired. I think it's the Summer, doing it, no darkness prompting the No Sleep Blues.

mongoose said...

But there is a chance right now, again, isn't there, to refashion the centre-left for the world as it is now? It is the flunking of this that leaves us helpless before the managerialist centre-right. It is no use complaining about the Tories just steering the corporatised ship of state and not worrying about the individual if there is no alternative offered. It's not as if the buggers have ever pretended that they do anything else. And, indeed, as we have rehearsed, there is much good in the fuckers doing as little as possible if the alternative is the police state control freakery that occurs to (all of) them from time to time.

But Jeremy, bless, is a Malvinas moment away from blowing the whole thing up in the air for a generation. And surely the answer is a bigger shed rather than a smaller one because a smaller one is surely going to attract fewer voters. The LibDems are fucked for sure and so the liberals in there - and there are a few - could be welcomed back and a new coalition formed of the ones who care about what is now called social justice. As long as that is not another long list of fucking laws and CRB checks for taking the hedge-cuttings to the tip. On thing is for sure and it is not Andy Fucking Burnham who will do it. In fact, each of the four of them fills me with despair of a different kind. Cameron must be pissing himself laughing as the farce unfolds.

call me ishmael said...

Every one a them words, mr mongoose, and though I cherish your optimism I believe that we watch the final end of career/party political democracy, or the lingering pretence thereto, the very fact that should Corbyn win he will be pushed under a bus, the very fact that Tories are crowing that they will vote for him reveals the whole filthy crew in MediaMinster to be contemptible and verminous. Ha ha ha, I'm voting in the Opposition's leadership campaign, aren't I clever? What a shower of shit is the Tory party. And there is no respectable alternative, just more Tories, in Saville Row cloth caps, the only sensible words of opposition, recently, coming from FatMan Salmond, of TrumpCorp.

I think any who can, apart from members of other parties should vote for Corbyn, that he and Labour should join the Tribesmen and call a general strike and bring diwn the whole shitheap, see what happens afterwards. The choice between Burnham and Bukkake George is not worth making.

call me ishmael said...

And death to all those who would whimper and cry.