Friday, 8 May 2015


The Chiltern Hundreds is about to get a couple  more applicants.  It's the mythical constituency to which members wishing to resign can be appointed Steward, the arseholes not technically being allowed to resign, just as they are not allowed to do, fuck, steal, bully, abuse, claim-for or lie about all manner of things.  The Chiltern hundreds is one of those entirely crooked procedures which maintains the myth of parliamentary honour.

Gordon Snot, having suffered the worst defeat ever, whilst retaining his own seat,  didn't bother with applying for the Chiltern Hundreds, he just continued to draw his salary and exes without turning-up for work.

Clegg, though, will want to be deploying his vast talents elsewhere than in the Commons, where he will be, deliciously, a figure of fun and hatred. He should go.

 Miliband has no elder statesmanship with which to pad-out his days and make interesting his comments from the backbenches, nor would he want to be looking at the back of Fat Alec Salmond's head, while he  performs for his  braying bumboys in the SNP. He should go.

Buy your cheap earthquakes here, 
they don't work but whaddayawant for fifty pee?

Mr FiftyPeeLand, Nige, well, he never even got elected so has nowhere officially to hide his shame, save by going off on the piss and hoping to come back to work when all is forgiven and forgotten, which it won't be. 

Not by  UKIP Suzi, anyway.

Brunhilde, Empress of FiftyPeeLand


Bungalow Bill said...

The death of the Labour party has been long assured and there is no way back for it. David Miliband, Andy Burnham? Chuka fucking Umunna. Even to say their names is to despair,

And there was the Kinnock dynasty, enthroned in Neath, thieving fucking bastards all, hilariously now entwined with the Danish woman, basking in their entitlement.

No wonder the Squire of Spiv Hall romped home. All he had to do in the end was make sure he didn't shit his pants on Question Time and victory was assured, such was the parade of hopelessness ranged against him.

As for the Scottish roar, you can already see that Dave will silence it with just enough kindness and then leave it to choke on itself.

The Nellist Suicide Party, where I live, got 582 votes. All is not lost.

call me ishmael said...

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

Better, anyway, that it's general electorally dead and can do no more harm. Decent folks should form a new party, or join Nellist's.

Good news, too, that the ablest politician of his generation must now live on his extra-parliamentary earnings, alone. He will have enough stashed away, George; he needs to, can't see RT or alJ paying for his views, not now his adoptive co-religionists have thrown him out of the mosque, with his titfer in hand, silly cunt.

Here, even here, in the JoGrimondWorld that Time forgot, Big Al saw his majority slashed but not overturned and is now the only bigboy left in Scottish LibDemmery, yet oddly no-one mentions his name as a potential LibDem leader, despite his experience; maybe they know something I don't, maybe it's just that he is Scottish, a people of whom other people have probably had more than enough, of late. I'm looking forward to his weekly fan letter to himself, in the local 'paper, if it's any good I will share it

Mike said...

Its the SNP wot won it for Dave, paradoxically.

SNP+LAB was a bridge too far for the English, so they held their collective noses.

I would expect there to be some payback for Scotland now Dave feels he's at the helm.

call me ishmael said...

Gnasher is furiously saying that it wasn't a case of vote Tribesmen get Cameron - even though obviously it was the SNP, all the so-called pollsters, the PBC and the entirity of MediaMinster, all insisting, for the best part of a year, that there would be a hung parliament. That aort of influence simply should not be allowed, especially when, as I said, my dog Harris is smarter than that prick Kelner.

Thanks to the puffed-up, fuckwit commentariat, Flashman now joins the Ringo Starr Institute of Luckiest Men Alive.

What sort of payback do you mean, mr mike?

Off into the library, now, anyway, to learn the new national anthem.......Row, row, together.....that's how it goes

Mike said...

By payback, Mr I, I mean that Dave nearly lost his balls over the Scottish referendum, and will ensure that it wont happen again. The Scots (SNP) will be sidelined, marginalised, and generally given the fuck-off signal. There will be no SNP votes on English issues, and he can hold Scotland to ransome with the Barnett formula - how about an "independent" review of funding for starters, just to put the SNP on notice.

As it turned out, the referendum was Dave's best move, as it ensured him a majority.

I haven't yet seen anything about the new intake, but its worth reflecting that Dave hasn't got that big a mojority, and if enough of the newbies are euro-sceptic, then he will have trouble as 2017 and the promised referendum approaches. I don't see him lasting 5 years.

Alphons said...

I am still utterly certain that as long as we have politicians we will have trouble, skulduggery and corruption.
The only way to improve the situation is to introduce a system where those who are now the electorate vote not on who gets the power but what "bills" should be "passed" and which should be rejected"
They of course should also be involved in the creation of those bills.

Mike said...

Mr Alphons: of course the politicians are a problem - we take for granted they are lying bastards, but the electorate are a more fundamental problem.

The presumption that each vote is cast understanding the policies on offer, and is cast by someone able to make a rational choice (never mind the lies and bullshit from all the sources of the information - politicians, through biassed press), is so patently wrong. The majority of voters are pig ignorant, or at least less intelligent than Mr Harris.

I can't understand why everyone has a vote - surely there should be some basic criteria for being allowed to vote - like a driving test.

Romney was correct when he said that 47% of votes were already determined - ie the welfare recipients voting for more.

The so-called democracy in the UK is a joke. When UKIP can get nearly 4 million votes but only 1 seat, yet SNP can get 56 seats with under 1.5 million votes - well thats completely fucked up, and heading to a revolution.

SG said...

I wonder if Cast Iron Dave is about to make another 'big bold offer'? This time to the Tribesmen - the fools gold of full fiscal autonomy. If they take it, their incompetence, and the lie underlying their case for independence, would soon be exposed. If they refuse, then how could they credibly make a case for another independence referendum anytime soon? Either way the Tribesmen lose and, in the absence of the English bogeyman to scapegoat, would like as not turn in on themselves and embark on a period of vicious internecine tribal warfare. 

Seeing Balls lose his seat yesterday was the icing on the cake though he'll be back soon enough I'm sure. Doubtless, some lucrative tax payer funded sinecure awaits, rather than having to earn a living in the real world like ordinary mortals, pending the emergence of a suitable safe seat somewhere.

mongoose said...

The scale of public spending cuts has been gentler these last five years than many people - certainly including me - had prophesied. It could not have been any other - with hindsight, that is. Under the stairs at Dave's Oxon house, there lurks a genius. We certainly cannot thank the civilising influence of a bunch of degenerates whose sole purpose in life is the murder of inconvenient puppy-dogs.

What happens next? I see that Nicola is prattling on about "keeping up the pressure for..." That'll have the newspapers buzzing, oh, at least until the Sundays have been printed this eveninng. But do be prepared for a lot of yatter about changing the voting system so that there will be no more losers. Everyone must have a badge. It was ever thus. Then the long Summer evenings and stout whiskies on the McCommons Terrace will soothe all that away.

Unless Greece burns down.

call me ishmael said...

I wonder how things will shape up with Stewart Hoosie, currently SNP leader in MediaMinster; will he step aside, in favour of the roaring Scottish fart, Salmond? I think it's the least he can do, really.

I think that parliamentarty democracy only exists to serve the parliamentarians and always, therefore, promote somethihng along the lines of what mr alphons suggests - but if I did believe in it i would be fucking well outraged, mr mongoose, by the tribesmen getting all these seats on a million votes and the Poundlanders getting one seat per four million votes, such is lunacy and a recipe, I hope, for revolution, a la Grecque.

Thicko Farage, two-short-planking the view that Carswell must represent the four million Poundlanders, rather than all of his constituents, regardless of how they voted, only muddies the Waters of Stupidity and they should replace him, logically with Carswell, rather than Brunhilde. How did this come about, anyway, having party leaders who can't even get elected, There's the barmpot Natalie Green, there's Farage, who hasn't really stepped-down and there's Spud-U-Don't-Like Murphy, no wonder Cameron's below-stairs brain is happy, nutters to left of them, nutters to right of them.

call me ishmael said...

That is patently true, mr mike, although it cuts both ways - the dispossessed will vote for welfare but the rich will vote for their own welfare, too, generally in the form oi taxcuts but also in the forms of immunity from regulation, investigation and prosecution and of course peerages. It is not the voter who can be improved bat the decision-making and we should scrap all this careerist party nonsense and select, at random, from those who meet certain criteris - literacy, numeracy, length of residence - and for a fixed term, leave them to it, supported by a rigourously regulated civil service. How could that be any worse than the current system?

I accept that there was a time when universal suffrage was hugely desirable and improving but it has now been hijacked by the likes of Blair, Cameron and MediaMinster, serving the global kleptocracy and cannot be purified.

I share the frustration you express entirely but do not think the voting system remediable, we should scrap it and decide for ourselves how we should regulate our lives.

call me ishmael said...

Sounds like a neat strategy, mr sg, shoving it in their faces, giving 'rm what they want, knowing they'll throw-up and shit all over the place but is Cameron clever enough?

And if Labour re-enlist Ed Balls it will only prove them incapable of learning even a simple truth. I expect they are dead in the water, whatever they do, even if they go back to calling each other comrades, something they never should've stopped.

I said back at the time of their last conference that I would never speak of Miliband again and largely I haven't, until recently. I should say the ssame, now, about the Labour party. Harriet Harman, as interim leader? They just don't understand the contempt in which they are held; if they were a person they'd be taken into in a place of safety.

mongoose said...

The problem with any other system than the one we have is that the bastards will then get selected in the JCR at college and we will never, ever get the chance to be rid of them thereafter. At least this way we can have a Thursday clean-out like the one we have just seen. Portillo moments, Balls moments, Dougie Alexander... Anything else insulates the swine from the people.

As for poundlanders and tribesmen - each voter voted with his neighbours for somebody to represent them, and someone got elected. At least that person was just one step from you. Vote for people and you will get people; vote for parties and you will get what you are given. If you are deluded enough to vote for a party come what may, I have no sympathy for you. On Thursday, I spoilt one ballot paper in an election in which The Hon Edward Henry Butler Vaizey MP was elected (again), and voted for two people known to me in the local election. One is a dick but has energy; the other is a Communist loon but is as honest as the day is long. The bed is made.

PR in any of its guises levels down and lets ten people control everything until they back-stab each other and are replaced. The electorate is an irrelevance.

PS Son of Straw also got rejected. Roll another one!

call me ishmael said...

That is well put, mr mongoose, but I think I only meant that I sympathise with those angry about first past the post and that my own view is that we should scrap the whole party system and substitute it with public service, rather than careerism, which must, of necessity, be a big, contradictory bad.

The Only Living Hitchens was saying the other day that every aspect of parliamentary democracy is loaded not in favour of the electors but of the parties - funding, access to broadcasting, ability to restrict or deny information to the citizen, to the point where we are their subjects.

The ability to throw some of them out every five years is tiny recompense for their collective abuse of their position. And things are so arranged that our only alternaive is another of the same, just wearing a differently coloured necktie.

I didn't know about Jack's brat and I am delighted to hear your news. I have been too anxious to find out whether the Kinnock arsespawn won, in Wales, and I guess from your silence on the matter, that he did. It doesn't matter, Labour is finished, kidnapped and murdered by Tony'n'Imelda, the body buried by the current crew.

mongoose said...

Oh, I was just prattling, Mr Ishmael. No argument was intended.

Alas, Kinnock Jnr was standing in some part of the valleys where the sun never shines. I saw his horrible mug on the telly yesterday, and he was beaming in a terrible way. One must therefore assume the worst.

call me ishmael said...

No, nor from me,either, mr mongoose. IK'll take a peek tomorrow, see what's happening in the valleys.

Bob Doney said...

Kinnock Snr was on the Beeb at his son's count, and although it was as usual difficult to discern any nugget of meaning from what he said, he expressed disappointment that the GBP had once again voted for their narrow personal interest rather than the lofty ideals which had always guided his life. I think that's what he said, but it's so outrageous I may have imagined it.

SG said...

The nepotism of Labour really marks them out from the other parties (Doubtless there are examples elsewhere though none immediately spring to mind). The Milliband brothers, the Eagle scissor-sisters, Mr & Mrs Balls, Mr & Mrs Dromey, Kinnock and son, Straw and son - that's just off the top of my head. I'm sure there are many more...

call me ishmael said...

I thought I had mentioned all of them, maybe I dreamt it, mr sg. There were also the Benns, the Alexanders, Ann Wotsername, her husband died and she took up his cudgel, there are others, I am surem but it's late and I must be up to catch a ferry at four am and I can't think of them. Really shouldn't be allowed, here, or in the States.

mongoose said...

The pig got in, Mr I, with a majority of about a million. He is set fair for the next thirty years. His dad says that he is an intellectual colossus. Then, I suppose everyone is if compared to Daddy Kinnock.

call me ishmael said...

"Oh, the leaves began to fallin'
And the seas began to part
And the people that confronted him were many
And he was told but these few words
Which opened up his heart
"If ye cannot bring good news, then don't bring any."

Intellectual colossus? Well alright.
Fuck me Jesus, another fucking Kinnock. We should nuke those fucking valleys, glass them over.

I'm travelling through the Republic of Gnasher tomorrow and will report in the evening, from bonny Dundee, from where the only good thing to emerge has been the blessed McGonigal's Disaster on the bridge over the silv'ry River Tay, which will be remembered for many's a long day.