Monday, 25 May 2015



We always said  that these so-called HardMen of the Provisional IRA were actually all fairies; albeit down at the dark end of Enchantment's corridor.  Now Gerry the Nonce proclaims another branch of the family business. 

 Now, look youse, the Adams family, plc, Erin go bragh,  has always been deeply committed to murder, torture, kidnap, kneecapping,  burying-alive and especially to  covering-up the molestation of our niece by our brother, so we have, only testifying against him when there was no other option, so there wasn't. 

 But now, on this great and glorious day, when Ireland has  voted in favour of LadyManism as the one true faith, me and Deputy First Minister Kneecaps are happy to reveal that we were on Freedom's side all along, so we were, SinnFein always being deeply committed not only to cawn-flict resolution and the peace proh-cess but also to buggery and bondage on the streets of this land, rather than British troops, anyway, so we were.

In Glasgow, 

Mrs Gnasher of the Tribesmen took a break from calling for the crucifixion of Mr Big Al Carmichael 


to express the view that since the Irish Arse Referendum had resulted in a vote of sixty-forty in favour of gay people's Right To Be Straight the sovereign view, therefore, the sovereign will, the sovereign, inalienable  sovereignness of Ireland's voters, speaking as one voice, had declared that homosexuality be  punishable by death, as should be membership of any political party other than the Tribesmen. 

 Look, just because a majority of voters voted for something it  doesn't mean that they won, at least, that's not the way it works in Scotland.  Just because a majority of voters voted No to Independence, it doesn't mean that they have any right to thwart the settled, sovereign will of the minority, who quite rightly voted Yes. 

Still on the subject of Gerry, the IRA's pin-up Nonce, if he'd killed my elderly uncle and a trio of entirely innocent children I'd have, given the opportunity, 

  punched his horrid teeth down his fucking throat, the filthy fucking bastard.  
Wouldn't that have made the world smile?

The Carmichael caper is turning-out out be really unpleasant;  he lives here, his wife is Harris's vet, his kids go to school and Tribesmen are roaming the streets, calling for his head, waving placards calling him a liar.  The things we must endure, in order to realise a truly totalitarian, racist, one-party state.  Cunts, they are, all of them.

Sorry, been away, been a bit ill and have suffered a complete mental  breakdown at the hands of those nice people at Firefox, who creep in here while I'm asleep and fuck everything up. Update-ing, I believe they call it.


Alphons said...

Glad to see you back. Hope it was nothing serious.
We've missed you.

call me ishmael said...

Thank you, mr alphons, nothing serious, just, I guess, fatigue. I did a big trip, from here to Aberdeen, to Dundee, back up and across the Great Glen to Fortwilliam, trackback to Inverness and home again, via an overnight in Wick; one hospital and three hotels in five days and about a thousand miles, gets tiring.

Bungalow Bill said...

It will be a consolation to Jean McConville, looking down from above, that she was not shot in the back of the head without a greater purpose. The transformation of Gerry and Marty into international political smoothies, statesmen of peace and sophistication, can stand as a fine tribute to her (and to those others who had to make the ultimate sacrifice in the War).

Good to see you back. That was a trek you were on.

SG said...

Glad to hear all is well Mr I, technology problems notwithstanding. A bit naughty of Mr Carmichael, him saying what the First Minister was thinking out loud to the French Ambassador... However, a minor offence in the big scheme of things and not worthy of a lynching. Are the Tribesmen roaming the streets indigenous, or imports from the South? Maybe you should have your own referendum up there on leaving Scotland and becoming an autonomous part of the UK - or even go for Isle of Man or Channel Island type status (though the oil price might make the latter unattractive for now...).

call me ishmael said...

Yes, I detest them all and Big Al, like all those fuckers, is a bullying gabshite incompetent but as you say, mr sg, it is small beer, not like he denied Mr al Megrahi and all the Lockerbie relatives an appeal, not like he covered for a trio of bent Scottish judges who framed al Megrahi in the first place, along with Uncle Sam, no, that was Gnasher and her gang of fuckpigs. The mobs are local, I'm afraid, here and in Shetland, and should be ashamed of themselves. I had a pop at them on LibDem Voice, the cybernats, that is, but no response as yet. There has been much talk, already, of Orkney seceding from a national socialist Scotland and it would difficult to see how that could be stopped.

Mrs McConville is always on my mind, mr bungalow bill, every time I see Adams' face, as are Gordon Wilson and Captain Nairac, others have their own, remembered atrocities and indeed I had - and bear a shocking resemblance to - kin who were members of the Shankill Butchers, torturers for Queen, Union and
King Billy and am cousin unmet to Michael Stone, bombardier of Republican funerals; the Parachute Regiment, too, has nothing of which to be proud in Ulster, their is blood everywhere you look, Adams, though, and his angry wee bumboy, McGuinness, wrought it all, hijacking a civil rights movement for their own hideous glory, killing and maiming tens of thousands. Blair and Imelda need a double arse-pokering from Satan, one for Iraq and one for the Ulster Peace Process.

A smirking, serial sadistic killer and a repulsive drag queen, celebrating each other, surely this image should be on Ireland's currency, shouldn't it?

Mike said...

Welcome back, Mr I. Find some respite amongst your daffodils - are they out now? A pic would be welcome.

I too use Firefox, but it only updates when I tell it to - there must be some setting.

Apologies for including the following link to another blog, which was sent to me, and if you have any form of blood pressure problems, then don't read it!

SG said...

Mr Mike, I think you've just found the next leader of the Labour Party - assuming she doesn't get to the Presidency before Jeb does... With a list of requirements like that she's qualified in every way. They forgot to add the bit about the high class Lesbian masseuse though... Failing all of that she can join Tony on the conference circuit - the pickings are rich however it goes.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the piece Mr Ishmael and glad to find you back and hopefully on the mend

call me ishmael said...

No need, mr mike, I already saw same in another form, an article saying that she demanded jet travel to each and every speaking engagement which cost more than the average blue collar annual salary, despite her and Spunky Bill having amassed a mysteriously huge fortune since leaving the White House. She has, I feel, no chance..

There were ten thousand daffs but they have been and are nearly gone, as are the tulips but there will be photos, I am sure.

I found that setting on FF, today, too late to prevent the damage to image gathering and publishing, amongst other things. I keep wondering about Ubuntu, is it Ubuntu, and is it worth becoming familiar with?

Mike said...

Sorry, Mr I, can't advise on Ubuntu.

I have Win 7 on PCs and laptops, and that is stable. I wont be upgrading any further up the microsoft ladder. After all these years I seem to have the beast tamed.

I also have iMac and macbooks, as well as iPads as I do some stuff on those, but through habit tend to use the windows PC from preference.

call me ishmael said...

Thanks, mr mike, when the ouijaPad fails I will not replace it, seems more like a religion, Apple, than a product, and the internet forums are filled with heretics, like me, blaspheming that their i-things are a load of shite.

Caratacus said...

Pleased - and relieved - to see you back, Mr. I. In total sympathy ref. sodding updates. And to cap it all this morning, went to fire off a few urgent work e-mails only to discover that Outlook has gone on strike and is in a most uncooperative sulk. That'll be another few hours spent grinding teeth and employing disgraceful language. Thank goodness the Memsahib is out for the day ...

Alphons said...

call me ishmael said...
" I keep wondering about Ubuntu, is it Ubuntu, and is it worth becoming familiar with?"

The answer is yes. I gave up M$ about 10 years ago because of the constant "improvements" and gimmicks". After looking at several of the linux offerings I decided on Ubuntu because of the support, and at that time the similarity of the layout to early Windows.
In the last few years Ubuntu has added a lot of "bunting and frolics" in immitation of M$, but sensibly given the facility of change over to the classic a few key strokes.
It is constantly updated automatically and there are some wonderfully helpful forums on the 'net. In addition to all this there is the freedom from unwanted "infection".

John Gibson said...

"In the last few years Ubuntu has added a lot of "bunting and frolics" in immitation of M$, but sensibly given the facility of change over to the classic a few key strokes."

Or maybe try Xubuntu (also free - with Firefox as the default browser) which eschews much of the "bunting and frolics", but is otherwise the same underneath. With a bit of tweaking can be very
XP-ish if that takes your fancy. Prefer it myself.

On our erstwhile SoS for Scotland, I can't see any good objection to Carmichael re-standing to put the issue to bed.

mongoose said...

And it is instructive to consider in the darker moments of the day that as they were all issuing orders for the assassination of housewives traitorous to the cause, several of them were up to their arses in MI5 compromise, so they were. One wonders who is going to get the last laugh as nationalism turns into EU-funded regionalism. Twin theme parks with Guinness and three-day-boiled bacon on one side of the sea and blue-arse-painted wife-beating on the other.

call me ishmael said...

Thanks, mr mongoose, that last bit had me lol-ing out loud. As many's the seasoned PaddyWatcher has observed, the Twin Towers and the EU quite ripped the arse out of the bombing and burying-alive trade. All that remains is for someone to shoot Adams and Kneecaps and the Patriot Game is over. Snuggling up to drag queens, it's hardly the mark of a freedom fighter. I think that the Tribesmen just need a slap across the face and they'll go back to beating their wives; maybe Cameron will give them one.

call me ishmael said...

I agree up to a point, mr john gibson, abour Big Al standing again. It is just thatsuch a course cedes to Gnashet a false ownership of the process and diverts further from her own governmental shortcomings and from the invidiousness of her iwn position as a seatless Westminster leader.

Thank you, I will investigate your IT suggestions, yours and those of mr alphons.

call me ishmael said...

I haven't taken any measurements, king caratacus but I would not be surprised if this raging against the machine had a BP. impact, a regular series of entirely unnecessary frustrations; I gave up on Outlook some time ago, myself and there will be messages there which I can see but I just can't touch. I am going to start writing people proper letters, if I can get the wireless printer to connect, and if the ink hasn't dried-up. These software evangelists are so clever that they might just cause the whole shebang to implode. This comment window, the one I am writing in, is differently proportioned and located than previously and is more difficult to use,mwhy woukd some cunt think it an improvement to make things harder than they were last week. A big, dirty nuke over silicon valley, that's the thing.

I was driving my new, over-teched Volvo V40 the other day and I thought, Fuck me, I'd love a Morris Minor. I have always loved big, luxury cars but the level of infostuff, even on this family saloon, makes me yearn, now, for simplicity. My Citroen is actually more advanced, still, in some ways, than the Volvo but I can ignore all it's infostuff; the Volvo, like Apple and Microsoft, demands my interaction. Maybe I'll get a horse.

Alphons said...

Re your Motor Car comments Mr Ishmael,I get the impression that you are,like me, a bit of a luddite.
I suspect there are many more of us who wonder why we have lost all the simplicity of the old Austin Seven.
I feel that most of it is the mad scramble by the manufactures,(of all product, not just cars), to be able to put up prices because "we have an improved model".
Who wanted a telephone that would take pictures, act as answer machine and brew cups of tea?. Who wanted a television set with a built in radio and DVD player?
Certainly the manufacturer will reap the rewards of his effort by having the customer buy a new XXXXX when one of its, by now "vitally important" abilities stops working.
I am reminded of one of the Managers with the company where I earned my crust for most of my working life. During one of our monthly management meetings this idiot started describing a wonderful money saving idea he had dreamed up. The result would, of course, have a negative effect on the effectiveness of the product.
As Quality Assurance Manager I told him that I would not countenance such degradation. Wherupon he said, "Oh you can't do that. You must realise not all improvements are necessarily for the better!"

call me ishmael said...

Gibson and Epiphone have introduced a self-tuning guitar, mr alphons, it doesn't just tune itself to standard, EADGBE, but to a number of other, open and dropped tunings, thus removing any human variations of pitch and rendering, effortlessly, a perfect tuning at the touch of a button, technically perfect but antiseptic. Blues player, Big Bill Broonzy, on the other hand, in the 'fifties, used to say he never bothered too much about precise tuning, If a string be outa tune I jes push it back in wi' ma finger.

mongoose said...

I think the Irish vote was less some great welling up of an LBGTABC freedom movement and more a shot across the bows of the Old Church. Your time is over, gentlemen, but thank-you for playing one last hand. It is, and the good Lord must be praised, so he must, a new Ireland where young kids just won't bend the knee to some greyhair in a silly frock.

As for cairs, is it not that they are ever more the same under the bonnet - and so regulated out on the road - that they have to be differentiated by the electronic function? And what is wrong with people that they use the satnav to get to Tesco?

call me ishmael said...

Unless, of course, mr mongoose, thechikdren wind-up bowing the knee not to Father O'Finger but to those who list on their CVs the skills of premature burial, black and decker surgery and internecine noncing. Me, I'd stick with the Christian Brothers in preference to SinnFein. As to the satnavving, another generation of this nonsense and people will be unable to find the hole in their arses.

SG said...

FIFA  - you couldn't make it up. They should take this opportunity to rebrand themselves to present a more wholesome image. Maybe something along the lines of this :

Blatter, himself, can surely only have sprung from the mind of Voltaire?...