Christmas Anagram Answers:
1. I wag at cunt declares timey-wimey seasonal queen. A. This was, of course, Ncuti Gatwa, a homosexual Rwandan/Scottish actor currently impersonating Dr. Who with great energy, big teeth and a complete absence of thought. Couldn't imagine him married to River Song.
Capaldi's Dr Who with Alex Kingston as River Song |
Personal indulgence over, back to the serious stuff.
2. Will reedy divas sing his praises at the Lubedems Xmas party? A. Sir Ed Davey, famous in 2024 for risking life, limb and any pretension to seriousness, to win votes. And the great British public being what they are, it worked.
3. Tartan nihilists admire Ruin's cool agent, whilst Tartan buttplug spokesman denies tainted grandee comes with face fit to make an anus-tool cringe. And still they cry "she's stealing our con!"
A. All three are Nicola Sturgeon, disgraced Scottish politician.
4. Boss marries striker? A. Sir Keir Starmer, currently under attack by Elon Musk - which means everywhere, for failing to dissuade Pakistani Muslim men from forming rape gangs to serially abuse and rape young white girls for, no doubt, ideological reasons.
5. More knob-ache, Demi? A. Yes, its Kemi Badenoch, completely out of her depth and presiding over the death of the Conservative Party, about to be re-configured under the charismatic and assured....
6. Hear demagogue finagle rage? Watch pond-pervert finger algae? Call old queen a leering fag? (Free anal gig for lucky milkshake fetishist.) A. Nigel Farage - Freedom of Speech Champion, apologist for Elon Musk, who believes Britain has a Muslim rape culture and its all Keir Stammerer and Jess Philips' fault and is best friends with Donald Trump. Who will save me when the wokeistas come? Why, Nigel Farage, my new Hero.7. Pity litter-pickers’ damp old runt? A. Donald Trump, due to be sentenced on the 10th January for offences of falsifying business records. Not to worry - Judge Juan Merchon has said he's only going to impose a conditional discharge, just as well as Trump is due to be inaugurated as 45th President of the United States 10 days later. Donald, who Farage assures us is genuinely fond of Britain, would like to see us getting rid of the windmills and stop dithering about with oil and gas extraction. This might have something to do with Apache, oil producer, saying it will withdraw from the North Sea by 2029 due to the increase in windfall tax on fossil fuel producers. Apache? Texan firm, yes? Make America Great Again!8. “I need job”, bleats downsized coot. A. Joe Biden. Altogether, now, Awww........9. Starmer adds repellent moron to Embassy roster. (Always good to have a droll serpent demon in the snakepit.) A. Lord Peter Mandelson, the UK's new ambassador to the U.S.
He'll fit right in.
10. Prancer wined alone – the Windsor sleigh moves on without him. (His rancid new rep did him no favours.) A. Prince Andrew
10. Prancer wined alone – the Windsor sleigh moves on without him. (His rancid new rep did him no favours.) A. Prince Andrew
Mr Yang has said allegations he is a spy are 'ill-founded' and 'entirely untrue'.
The Mail reports that more than £230,000 has been pulled from Prince Andrew's initiative Pitch@Palace. During the financial year ending March 31, 2024, the amount of cash at hand and in the bank decreased by half, from £454,979 to £220,990, as accounts filed to Companies House on December 30, reveal. The withdrawal was signed by Pitch@Palace's sole director Arthur Lancaster.11. Power’s lever reaches no.11. A. Everyone's favourite head-girl, it's Rachel Reeves, who massaged her curriculum vitae to gain credibility in her role as Chancellor of the Exchequer. And hasn't she done well, as Britain's fat-cat farmers and wealthy pensioners are sure to agree.12. Eery anal gran promises house-building bonanza. A. Who else but Angela Rayner.
Winner of the Twelve Captions of Christmas
Can there be any doubt? its mr ultrapox. Congratulations!
Anyway, that's enough larking about. I hope mr mongoose is recovering from the flu and will be able to raise the tone of the establishment shortly.
SPORTING NEWS
Played in the town centre of Kirkwall, the two sides are the Uppies and the Doonies, short for "Up-the-Gates" and "Doon-the-Gates" from the Norn gata (path or road). The Boys Ba' is for boys up to 15 years old. There's no lower age limit and small boys of as young as 5 join in around the edges. The Boys Ba' is thrown up from the Merket Cross on the Kirk Green on front of St Magnus Cathedral at 10.00 and the number of boys participating can number over 100.
The Men's Ba' is the real deal though. It starts at 1.00pm when an honoured Orcadian throws up the Ba' from the Merket Cross into the waiting scrum of up to 350 men. The Ba' disappears into the scrum and much surging play occurs while the two sides weigh each other up and determine who has the weight on their side on this occasion.
Occasionally, the ba' appears out of the scrum and someone makes a dash through the crowds of spectators.
The Doonies have the benefit of a flat push to Albert Street, while the Uppies have a hard push up to the top of Tankerness Lane. The game may also go down one of the flagstone lanes, or down Castle Street onto the open Junction Road. Once there either side may gain the upper hand by means of a smuggle and run, or the scrum may become immobile in one of the many closes and yards.
However, if the Uppies manage to enter Victoria Street, or the Doonies Albert Street, the opposition have a much harder time, due to the narrowness and the press of often many hundreds of keen spectators. All the same the Ba' may be restricted for several hours in any of the many lanes and neither side ever gives up the struggle until the goal is reached. The Doonies' goal is the sea, normally within the Basin of the Harbour, but so long as it is immersed in the salt water of Kirkwall Bay, the Ba' has gone doon.
The Uppies must round the Lang, or Mackinson's corner at the junction of Main Street with New Scapa Road, opposite the Catholic Church, which was the site of the old town gates in bygone times. The last remains of the town gates were removed in the 1950s, leaving the Uppie goal as the gable end of a house on Mackinson's Corner.
Visitors are not encouraged to play, because this is an Orcadian thing. It is played on Christmas Day and New Year's Day, in the town centre and the preparations to ensure the safety of shops and houses begins in mid December, when the Council puts up the Ba'boards, which will remain in place until the end of the New Year holiday, when they go back into storage. They give the street a rather grim appearance:
as shops struggle to trade whilst sheltering behind the protection of solid planks of wood. Better than hoping for the best, though - the scrum and crowd knock down walls,
up-end signs and plants, damaging themselves and property.
This top was ground into the street - maybe the owner just got too hot. It has been snowing, though, so perhaps the wearer was trampled underfoot and is now a former Ba' player.
LOCAL NEWS FOR LOCAL PEOPLE
Each year, the people of Norway gift the people of Orkney with a Christmas tree, as a pledge of our close genealogical, linguistic, spiritual and historic ties. The tree stands proudly outside the great St Magnus Cathedral, Britain's most northerly cathedral, known as "the Light of the North", founded in 1137 by the Viking, Earl Rognvald, in honour of his uncle, St Magnus, who was murdered in Orkney by his cousin Haakon, for the usual acquisitive reasons.
This is this year's gift.
Yes, I know. A bit ratty. So ratty that the people of Orkney muttered darkly, wrote letters to the paper and to Radio Orkney. Don't they like us anymore? Why have they sent us this piece of crap? Sweepings off the forest floor? How is this worthy of our Cathedral and our celebrations?
So Radio Orkney dragged the Norwegian Consul into the studio to justify this insulting gift. It went something like this:
How dare you, ungrateful scum dogs. What would you know about a good-looking tree? You cut down all your own trees and the Norwegian people kindly provide you with a tree from the very forest where the little St Magnus played as a boy and all you do is complain. The Norwegians not only selected a tree for Orkney, they cut it down, transported it, filled in all the paperwork and shipped it here, all for free. So shut the fuck up.
Well, maybe I've embellished a little for the purpose of dramatic irony, but I think I've captured the gist.
The tree did look a little better on arrival, but since then there have been the storms, and the Ba'.
And we've also had a display of the Merry Dancers.
but here's a flavour of it:
Happily motoring into 2025, don't forget your copy of one of the four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber. Or buy the set as a luxurious indulgence for yourself or as a gift for a broad-minded friend. The anthologies have been compiled and produced by editor mr verge, the house filthster, in answer to the appalled and bereft reaction of ishmaelites to the passing of mr ishmael in January 2020.
You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.
IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4
At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.
5 comments:
Happy New Year to you, mrs i, and to the rest of youse comrades. Yes, I am sorry that I have been silent but the damn lurgy has had me by the throat since Decemeber. (I ate one roast potato, half a slice of beef and a bit of Yorkshire at Christmas Lunch. And I managed half a glass of wine.) Anyway, I - and mrs m - seem to be muc better now. Just in time to get back to work properly tomorrow, eh?
You're back, mr mongoose. Thank goodness for that - I was beginning to worry. Good news that you were ill on your own time. How noble. Best start on the Easter crossword now.
It is like having the Gestapo on your back, so it is. If you are not careful, madam, we shall have a mono-cultural Good Catholic Boy Easter Crossword!
Good-oh, mr mongoose, what larks!
Did you notice that, scant hours after Farage's stalwart defence of him to the vituperative Laura Kuenssberg on Sunday morning, Elon Musk utterly repudiated Farage, saying he was an ineffective praise-singer and Reform need to choose a new leader?
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