Thursday, 29 December 2016


And just when we thought 2016 things couldn't get worse, they do.

 Australian bankers, financiers, luvvies and politicians were today reeling in shock, tweeting and comforting each other after the terrible news that a whole bleedin' ton of cocaine had been seized by the rozzers. 

An Aussie rozzer guards part of the seized richman's drug drug, estimated to have a street value of at least five hundred billion trillion Aussie dollars.

Strewth, they cried out in anguish, sniffing and rubbing their noses. How we gonna have a proper New Year's do. Stone me, cobber, what's the bleedin' world comin' to? Don't these bastards know that it's Charlie makes the world go round? An' now all the coke's gone walkabout how's things supposed to function round 'ere? The whole fuckin' place is gonna be like a dog's bleedin' breakfast.  Imagine New Year's Eve, and none a yer mates's got a line or two to do in the khazi; fuck me, the markets is gonna go right down the pan.

Support came from all over the world. 
 Famous British cokehead and porno-cook, Nigella Lawson tweeted:

Oh, Sweethearts, How truly awful. Better send the servants out to score for you. Like I do.

 Famous young parent and role model Lady Sir Elton John tweeted:

My darlings, this year has just been too, too awful. And now this.
I can lend you some servants, to go out and take the risk. All you have 2 do is call.

And former UK  prime minister, David Fuck-It-Up, tweeted:

What rich people do is entirely private and no business of the police's, um, wosssaname, yes, business. 
And quite proply, in my judgement.
Our fawts'n'prayers R with Australia's rich junkies, 
at this difficult time.
Is that too many wotsanames, characters?


Bungalow Bill said...

Hope Mr Mike is all right, but I think he just like likes his garden, and the odd holiday.

Bungalow Bill said...

Sorry for the stutter. Crap skills, as da yoof say.

Caratacus said...

Of course we mustn't forget THAT photograph of Mrs. Osborne's little boy ... that one with a line of Colombian best on the table and Miss Fifi d'Amour by his side.

I seem to remember reading something somewhere about the toilets in the Houses of Parliament being tested for traces of cocaine - and every single one proved positive.

Mike said...

Its red wine for me Mr BB. Never even so much as smoked a cigarette.

I was at the fish market (where some of the crims on a fishing boat were arrested) just before Christmas. Everyone seemed in a jovial mood.

Seems for once the cops did a decent job:

But no news on what they plan to do with their captured goods?

call me ishmael said...

They'll make a big show of burning a few pounds of it and then sell the rest of it on, like they always do, how's a poor polieman to survive on what they pay him, otherwise? I read that in some states, California and Illinois, the cops are charging a $25 booking fee, just for pulling you in, whether you are charged or released. I wonder how long before it happens here, I mean, it's not as though we already pay for lawnforcement out of taxes or community charges, is it?

call me ishmael said...

Yes, George Osborne, you could fill several pages with junky legislators, and that's why it has always been the case that rich junkies get soireed at Downing Street and poor junkies go to jail. I see that worthless, sour-faced shitbag, Beckham, got an OBE. I think that no matter how hard they insist I will have to decline an honour; PoshSpice, OBE, fuck me, Jesus.

call me ishmael said...

Shy is it that almost anyone in any position of responsibility is subject to drug testing, king caratacus, apart from the lawmakers themselves, sitting there, on the Great Latrine of State, defecating on the rest of us?

mongoose said...

I had thought that Debbie Reynolds giving up the ghost in despair just a day after her daughter's death might lend some perspective for all the celeb-grieving boneheads. But, alas, not. She seems to have lived a pretty blameless song-and-dance girl's life but the poor woman is going to be a freak show in death this coming week.

I thought that the usual rule of thumb was that after a bust half of the dope never made it to the police station in the first place.

callmeishmael said...

Somehow they sustain this myth, that the DEA, the CIA and lawnforcement all over the world are committed to stamping-out what they call drug abuse, even though all are making fortunes as well as careers out of it, even though the great and the good snort themselves silly and then blame disabled people and library users for the consequences of their own crazed behaviour, and we, or enough of us, fall for it. How DO they explain the fact that drugs mysteriously get into every prison in the land? Is that the disabled people, as well? Or might it be the screws, that fine body of men and women, dedicated to keeping us all safe from illiterate and mentally ill supercriminals? Prisoners get moved around, complete their sentences and yet dope is always on the menu, mobile phones are always available, the one constant being Principal Officef Slag, his house, his boat, his caravan and his second home.

I saw that some gobby showbiz slapper was literally broken-hearted over poor Debs, someone of whom, until yesterday, she would never have heard. Come, friendly bombs, and fall on Twitter.

There was, however, one hack, on skymadeupnewsandfilth's sunrise show, who was having none of it; Nah, he said, I can't be having this 2016 death year nonsense, people die every day, every single day, and all this stuff just demeans ordinary people's lives. I gave him
a sitting ovation. On PBC, meantime, they were all holding back a tear, men and women of constant sorrow, their idols and gods cruelly ripped from them, Christ, I thought they were gonna get the poppies out again, wear them for another month.

Dick the Prick said...

I quite liked that poppy production went up when the British Army were stationed in Helmand; fuck me, there's a totally unforeseeable coincidence, Brigadier Jock-Strap, who the chuff would have anticipated that? I don't much mind all these agencies running the drugs trade but it's the rank hypocrisy of it - we pay our taxes so they profit from both sides. I dunno, instinctively i'm in favour of decriminalisation of all drugs but I guess there would be unknown consequences which could be morally problematic in the form of deaths and stuff, responsibility for ODs, bad batches etc - government's paternal role and all that. But this 'war on drugs' schtick is much like the 'war on terror', just an excuse for government over reach and increased control and finance. When all some 'terrorist' has to do is vanjack a transit van it would seemingly render GCHQ a fucking waste of time.

I am wholeheartedly in favour of legalizing weed like they've done in quite a few places now, it's so anachronistic it beggars belief and unlike smack or coke can be produced domestically so none of the external cartel issues/ And just think of the cakes - it could be like the Ritz for stoners; the finest food products available to humanity along with a healthy dose of profitable taxation. I've heard that Colorado has had a budget surplus due to its potheads (citation needed) and surely the only potential crimes are along the lines of drunk driving and may be muggings of zombies. It's an absolute no-brainer.

callmeishmael said...

Not as morally problematic, mr dick, in terms of deaths and stuff, as invading Iraq, roasting its children, looting its culture and spraying the whole fucking place with depleted uranium, still, soldiers will be soldiers, eh. A war on tobacco'd be sensible, hang Ken Clarke from Big Ben, pour encourager les autres, the rotten fat cunt.. It's the illegality, anyway, which causes the deaths, impurity, irregular supply, dirty needles, cost and anyway, prosecution is selective, look at showbusiness, look at snooker, look at banking.

I rarely take anything, booze, herbs or pharmaceuticals but the fact that some retarded psychopath like Blind Boy Blunkett or Amber Madd would regulate me is intolerable.

mongoose said...

Talking about morally problematic, that Seymour film is linked below, mr ishmael. I do not care to enquire as to the legality of the link but you may be more curious than me.

The JW seconf pane seemed a better quality version to what was going to be a cursory inspection but turned into another quarter hour watching a bit of it again. I begin to regret never having bothered with the technical niceties of music.

I also have had a brainwave for a new business - mince pies infused with Orcadian weed! We'll be floating in money, and even if we're not, we'll not care.

callmeishmael said...

No such thing, mr mongoose, the last weed grower died; she was one of those MS people, suffering in celebrity, and supplying other sufferers with hash chocolates. I went to her trial for possession and supply, but the sherrif ordered it stopped amid a cloud of humiliating publicity for him and the fuckwit prosecutor, herself a chain-smoking, vomiting drunk. I wrnt to her funeral, the doper's, not the lawyer's.

Mike said...

I see Doddy got a knighthood. I'm surprised he's still alive; even more surprised that it got past HRMC

I'm old school, but, really, are people still falling for this bollocks?

Caratacus said...

Mr. Mike - A Liverpudlian I was working with at the time of Doddy's contretemps with Her Maj's Robbin Cunts (or whatever they called themselves back then), chuckled and observed, "He's as guilty as bloody sin, C, but anyone who thinks they'll manage to get twelve scousers to convict Ken Dodd are wired to the bloody moon". And so it proved. Carrier bags full of cash stashed hither and yon about his household - because he didn't trust banks, apparently; not as daft as he looks then in my book - but judged by twelve good men and true to be as pure as the driven wotsit.

callmeishmael said...

I don't want one, a K, not when they give them to people like this, even though I do pay my taxes. I watched a more or less self-produced Doddy-documentary a while ago; he has always given me the creeps but a lifetime's overview of his wretched existence was dreadful. I expect that as with Brexit and Trump the commentariat are entirely wrong about this nonsense and that nobody in their right mind gives a fuck about tossers who take honours. Bread and fucking circuses.

Happy New Down Under Year, mr mike.

callmeishmael said...

I watched about an hour of Maestro Bernstein, mr mongoose, on youtube, but found his various acolytes insufferable, seeming to piggybank on the man's talent. I was unable, in the early hours, to find a brief, whole performance, the Bach prelude in C, for instance, was spoiled by some harpy wittering-on about Yes, that's exactly how she plays if, too. I wasn't sure, either, about his claimef ownership of the master-pupil schtick, nor the do-the-thing-you-fear maxim, on the other hand he is an interesting man and I guess a good musician. I will look again.

May the God of Celebrity protect, tonight, your corner of Oxfordshire and keep it safe from the Reaper's dire harvestings, let Him fill his quota with nobodies, from the Midlands, and from Northern.

mongoose said...

Well, it is what it is, mr ishmael, and I stumbled across it. To an amateur like me, it was instructive and interesting but you are somewhat up the musical ladder from here.

I wish you a Happy New Year - as I sit here soberly waiting for the summons to collect, when they are ready, sundry daughters from their revels.

Woman on a Raft said...

There is a montage which someone has put together of the scum who get gongs.

I must be getting old; I used to enjoy the fireworks but I found myself going bah humbug this year. Partly it is that even I can hear how dreadful the 'music' is. It is a particular talent, matching displays to music because they melt at slightly different rates in the sky. For which reason they work best with instrumentals, as fireworks are the visual equivalent of a vocal line on top of the music. Eric Cotes is highly compatible for the purpose.

Wishing you all the best for 2017.

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year Mr Ish, and don't you worry about botanical trade. It's a well run family business established around 1830 in London, if my memory is correct.

Doug Shoulders said...

Happy new year Mr Ishmael

walter said...

Happy New Year Mr Ish,I new my life was incomplete, then i found it in tesco
Mulled Spice Toilet Paper, something to give my ring some festive cheer

Anonymous said...

"Mulled Spice", Mr Walter? Which one was she? Geri Hollowhead or Victoria Peckham? Either way I wouldn't want one of those creatures anywhere near my outflow.

"Hey, wear nappy" to all who gather here...


Woman on a Raft said...

Orkney is on telly, Mr Ishmael. 'Secret Orkney'. It seems you may be standing at the dawn of recorded history. Neil Oliver is wandering around being wonder-struck and Chris Packham has been drafted in as they are trying him out for the replacement Attenborough. Packham has many great qualities as a naturalist but he is not an anthropologist and he is not the tactful scientist either.

There is a tendency to keep telling us what they do not know, even when there are credible theories as to how things were built.

Woman on a Raft said...


1) Wobbly camera is never, ever, clever. Only in a very few verite settings is it acceptable.

2) Saying glaringly obvious things at a field table is not spontaneous and exciting. It is naff and is only acceptable in a genuiely amateur setting.

3) How the presenter feels is of limited interest. When Bethany Hughes stood in a house with a necklace they had found and argued that she was standing by the sleeping platform of a neolithic woman who had put that very necklace on that very bedside shelf, that was touching and a reasonable theory. Shots of blokes sitting in 4x4s is not.

4) Do not mix up neolithic history features with 'how we climbed a stack' programmes. It is not exciting - it just gets in the way of the history.

I am fed up with the BBC not keeping up the standards which it developed and which we have paid for. It is disappointing because this could have been a marvellous programme.

mongoose said...

The reason they climbed the stack was to show that the stones were flat. But y'all know this. It is a pity that the sentence was missed out of the fucking programme though.

The question nobody answered for me was why the fuck did they do all this on the isthmus which must be overwhelmed by the sea from time to time. Defence? Control of harbour? Or perhaps the islands were higher. Why there?

I think we should all go and camp in mr ishmael's garden and find out.

Mike said...

On other news, I read that Orkney is considering secession from Scotland and the EU (source, the filth o'graph). What with the oil/gas and fishing rights you would be a multi-millionaire, Mr I.

inmate said...

This group on Shetland, Mr Mike, have been arguing the fact that Orkney and Shetland have NEVER been part of Scotland, indeed the islands were stolen by the UK government.

The acting First Minister, Stuart, has had to endure threats, arrest and imprisonment on the mainland, for taking this stand in the corrupt courts, he argues that the only documentary evidence the UK government has, to support their claim, is a magazine article.

I am a citizen of Forvik myself and do what I can to support the First Minister Mr Stuart Hill.

If you have a spare hour the website is worth a read, even if for novelty value.

Roehamster said...


sherla kumarwo said...

good luck