Tuesday, 7 April 2015


 Health experts are warning that a new strain of superbug, originating in the North, is threatening the entire nation. 
staphylojockum stupidum gnasherismus

Otherwise sensible, healthy people are extremely vulnerable and can contract fatal Gnasheritis merely by being exposed to skymadeupnewsandfilth's general election coverage, in which an entire laboratory's worth of plagues and diseases is poked and prodded by hack totties 

in high heels and suffering, themselves, from confutatis annerobinsonism, 

a disease which afflicts elderly TeeVee crones  and deludes them into believing they are the nation's raunchiest dominatrix. 

Viewers inexplicably tuning-in to this rubbish can expect to be infected by any number of revolting bacteria, one of which has mutated to a point where it  can permeate the viewers' TeeVee  screens, worm its  way into their brains and render them entirely fucking stupid, as has happened to 45% of Scottish people, Scotland now recognised by the World Health Authority as being the stupidest, most fucked-up region on Earth, an imaginary country, with an imaginary government, a place in which day is night,  lies are truth, weakness is strength, loss is profit, chaos is order and the majority is bullied by a minority which believes that infamous, drunken,  Jew-bashing, wife-beater, Mel Gibson, is the one true God.

All over England people who have  exposed themselves to staphylojockum stupidum gnasherismus have lost their senses completely and are begging to be taken over completely by the new superbug. People in the streets, in the airwaves and on the cyber-boulevard pleading: Gimme gnasherism, I wanna have gnasherism so-o-o-o bad;  I want prosperity without work, I want other people's money,  I wanna be racist, I wanna wallow in a bath of endless grievance, Christ, I wanna hate my neighbours so bad.....

The superbug seen at 25,000 x magnification.
See me, I'm just mad fer yon David Cameron tae be prime minister.

Worse than bovine spongiform encephalitis, exposure to Gnasher Sturgeon rots the brain in a matter of minutes, victims succumbing to phrases like Progressive Anti-Austerity Policies, 
The childless Gnasher family, at home; she leader of the Tribesmen, he their CEO.  
Bless, it beats having children.

 whilst Mr and Mrs Gnasher have, without ever working for a living, found themselves being paid a quarter of a million taxpayer pounds a year. 
Plus expenses.

Experts have said that previous superbugs, such as NewLabour, have fooled their gullible and vulnerable hosts into  believing that they gave a fuck about them  and that  the current outbreak of Gnasherism is simply more of the same - an idle political parasitism growing rich on the backs of those they claim to represent but whom they would only further enslave. Good, says the World Centre for the Study of Communicable Disease, for fuck all.



 CallHimDave: every inch the unelected prime minister, greatest TopHatter since Lord Snooty.  
Dave insists that living standards, under his watch, have increased by as much as .0000000000002 of a per cent per annum, give or take a margin of error.  This means that hard-working families, thanks to my plan for long-term wotsaname, have as much as an extra tuppence-halfpenny a week to spend, money which they wouldn't have had under mr miliband's govament, money which they can spend as they wish, perhaps on their pigeons or on a tasty, nutritious portion of faggots and peas.  No, of course I couldn't live on the minimum wage. But then I don't have to. And that's what counts. So fuck off. I'm the prime minister.

Sid Faridge: promises to re-legalise spitting; 
it's health'n'safety gone mad, prohibiting spitting,

 raves greatest political thinker since John Prescott. 

It's every man's right to spit on the ' bus.
Vote Poundland to see good, green  spit back on the buses, in the 'pubs, the classrooms and on the floors of the fish'n'chip shops.

Ed Miliband, the He-Man: 
 takes after his brother, good for fuck all. 
The Welsh bint: nice face, shame about the voice. 
The Green bint: wot? fair shares? Silly cow.
Nick Clegg: who gives a fuck about him? Not me. 

mrs woar's grooming of the nation continues, politics now incontrovertibly a branch of the entertainment industry.
 Who the fuck is Julie Etchingham and what does she know outside of what is said in her earpiece? Why weren't the Ulster Undertakers Party allowed a slot in this rubbish, when, if Marty Kneecaps had asked to participate none would have refused him? And who is it determines that the dwarf,  Gnasher, spouting her facetious nonsense, is the star of the show?

I know we cannot disinvent the medium but surely a general election deserves something better  from television than this shit, something better than 

For You, Nicola Gnasher, Opportunity Knocks.


mongoose said...

Same windowsill, I reckon, Mr Ishmael.

So I watched some of it - although it was mighty dispiriting. And although it is surely heresy to say it, the lady done well. The bar was not high, the opposition was poor but she took her match and she won it. The question we have to ask is - why? And which match did she win? And now that we have had the pernicious leak, and a Cameron-free debate looms. Are we not about to witness a bunk-up even more unkindly than the Camo-Clegg liaison? Millipede is a fool. His deadliest enemy is the SNP. He grants them even a shred of daylight at his peril and at the peril of the Labour party in perpetuity. Sure, he might squeak a minority administration supported by the Devil - his name in the book to please his dead dad and annoy his live brother - but that will be the end of him and his party - and the Union. Maybe he does not care about his party. I think though that in his heart he is more Labour than many.

Cameron perhaps sees the writing on the wall. The Scots are very pro-EU and suck at the discretionary Euro-teat even more deeply than they do at the non-discretionary English one. The euro is a mess and soon to die in all but name. The consequent "two-speed" Europe means the end of federalism and that's victory where many come from. I think that the Germans secretly want it too.

The massacre of the Scottish Labour party holds no fears for Dave per se as those seats are never again his. In many ways, he would prefer a ScotLab recovery. And maybe that is the reason for the leak... If so, and he did it, it was dim. It can only serve to reinforce the sense of grievance to which you often refer and which the English do not really understand. That McJock is that addled confuses them - but not the Irish who have been watching their own impoverishment but with honour, Father, so it is. That a number of people in the millions really want a shortbread and whisky theme-park - it is very odd. Of course, it could be that Gnasher arranged the leak. or that Salmond did without her knowledge. (Salmond wins every which way then.) But much more depends on the depth of the LibDem disaster than the SP near clean sweep.

Anyway, it is nice though to see that the ancient perjorative use of "Tory" is banned on the BBC at election time in favour of "Conservative". Is it only me that notices? There are more questions than answers. Sorry.

call me ishmael said...

Don't the moon look good, though, shining through the trees?

Much to ponder, there, mr mongoose. My main preoccupation - having heard and examined her schtick previously - was with how easily the commentariat was seduced by Gnasher's trite sloganeering, hiow completely it ignored the Scots majority, of which I am only one, as though complicit in the Neverendum, complicit in the contempt for democracy which the Tribesmen deploy.

I will sleep on your musings and return to them but would say, meantime, that Gnasher's response to the leak seemed altogether too rehearsed, her outrage beaucoup de faux. A good TeeVee critic would have noticed that, but we have so few,these days.

If I die, on top of the hill......

Mike said...

There may be more to Gnasher than meets the eye.

I was puzzled why fat Alex handed over the baton so easily, as surely he would have relished holding the balance of power post May? Just loosing a referendum, when losing is the new winning, surely wouldn't have troubled him.

Anonymous said...

Another good one, but it reminds me of the theory of spontaneous generation, ie maggots appear in rotten meat, or mice in a mouldy rolled-up carpet. In other words there are too few sensible people, otherwise the habitat for these abominations wouldn't exist. They are nothing other than the result of our own collective inability to manifest virtue and to detect bullshit ie to call things by their proper name. Tax is theft, UN peacekeepers are hired killers, law is an opinion backed by a gun etc etc.
You have, as I believe I may have mentioned, a first-class knack in examining and revealing two-legged pathogens but there's no point in a populace complaining of boils and pustules if they constantly reach for microscopes instead of soap.

call me ishmael said...

I suspect he sees himself as leader of the Westminster tribesmen, mr mike, even though they already have a leader; rather as he saw himself as still being in control of Holyrood when the fool, Swinney was supposed to be in charge, You may be correct in thinking that, momentarily, at least, the succession of a notional woman may enhance the standing of the Tribesmen, her nasty, skriking de-dum, de-dum, de-dum rhetoric proving more attractive to some than his own endless I-know-Bestism. We must await the reaction of the current MediaMinster Tribesmen to this planned New Order. If only JockLabour had elected the other bloke, instead of Spud, he would've given Gnasher some of her own nonsense.

I still fancy the Grand Coalition, as some others are now suggesting could happen,freezing-out the noisy little people and entrenching consumerism nouvelle totalitarienne.

ps got me one of those Apple dongles and am on the way to TwoTimesBigScreens, proper Aussie-style.

call me ishmael said...

That is well put, mr richard, the national participation in showbusiness-as-public-discourse has seldom been so sharply outlined. I have noticed, also, how those formerly dwelling in cyberspace, once a resistance movement, snipers and saboteurs, are now collaborateurs- ShitStaines, Mrs Dale, TinyTim Montgomerie, all working with Murdoch for Ruin's Victory; the millionaire career politician and gabshite, Sturgeon, able, via showbiz, to represent herself as Everyman's champion; the wealthy leader of the pantomime revolution, cheered-on by the ragged-trousered philanthropists.

Alphons said...

All this preening and posing makes very little difference, because,as we shall see, the politicians always "get in" in the end.
What has surprised me, over my 82years on this planet,is that there has never been an another Runnymeade style operation.

call me ishmael said...

mr mongoose writes of a Labour party imperilled by a bunk-up with the Tribesmen but there is no Labour party, the scrapping of Clause Four marking its reinvention as a brand, transferable from millionaire to millionaire and enough villains - Mandelstein, Byers, Straw, Hewitt, Hoon, Miliband major and minor, so many of them, Blears, Flint, Abbott, Harriet Soursister, all bitterly on the make, whole families of crooks and thieves, shitting in our faces - existed to both millionairise themselves and crush any dissent, replacing working class voters with grateful incomers, widespread vote-rigging and child-beasting a fitting backdrop to NewLabour's achievements in the fields of bribery, EarthCrime, torture, money-laundering and
mass murder. If that body and its heirs and successors are imperilled by the nitwit Miliband, a creature who, some months ago, I vowed never again to mention, then one may rightly muster a small Hurrah.

call me ishmael said...

Any groundswell, mr alphons, for serious constitutional reform is mopped-up and neutralised by filthsters like the LibDems, vicious clowns like Sid Faridge or media slugs like FatStaines and, dare I say it, my own self, providing a lightning conductor, earthing sentiments which should justly lead to ohysical revolt and resistance.

mongoose said...

Sharper than a serpent's tooth, Mr I. There is a notion that reforming movements must always destroy themselves, and then make way for their radical heir. Maybe it is that time for Labour to make way for theirs. One thing is for sure and that is that it is nowhere to be seen.

Caratacus said...

I found myself momentarily perplexed by Mrs. Gnasher's banging on about Scortlind's "place in the Wirral" and was swiftly put right by the memsahib.

Reminded me of Ian Paisley's new found enthusiasm for "secateurs" when all the while he was saying "secretaries" ... I am a cloth-eared old bugger sometimes.

call me ishmael said...

There is something, mr mongoose, in Ruin's ability to absorb, subvert and reverse any movement or individual which may threaten it; be it Bob Dylan, the Civil Rights Movement, Feminism, Punk, the unions, CND or Occupy; they all have a price, generally paid in Virtue's personal Poundland.

Were Revolution to be identified it would be quickly bought-off, with a newspaper column,perhaps a recording contract, at a push with a seat at the cabinet table. And if it was genuinely not-for-sale, itwould be framed or murdered and then trashed by those nice Zuckerbergers, on social media. Lived too long, for all this shit, that's the talkin' mr mongoose blues.

call me ishmael said...

Laughed, as the NewPeople say, out loud, king caratacus, although I am sure that the horrid Weegie dwarf can speak perfectly good English and may well do, in private, counting her money in received pronunciation.

Doug Shoulders said...

Your last comment but one Mr Ishmael is the nail hit on the proverbial. A man after my own heart indeed.

SG said...

I welcome your publication of the Ishmaelian National Risk Assessment Mr I. You rightly point to the rise of the National Socialist Scottish Non-Workers Party as being the most serious threat to the security and well being of the peoples of Ruritania plc. Probably the most serious threat since Hitler. On this note I have found just the right costume for Reichsmarschall Salmond to wear upon his triumphant return to the Westminster Reichstag:


At a mere £85k it will be well within his budget (as underwritten by the English taxpayer) though maybe not quite grand enough. Alas the original cap is missing, which is a pity as I am sure it would fit perfectly.

Alphons said...

SG said...

..... Alas the original cap is missing, which is a pity as I am sure it would fit perfectly.

I think a Dutch one would suit best!

yardarm said...

Impudent fuckers, the Gnasherites. One minute they`re saying fuck Westminster and the next second they`re scrambling to get on the gravy train down there, Salmond is already having the waistband of his skirt let out, slavering in anticipation of all the meals we`re going to paying for him to stuff in his fat gut. Is Tavish MacHooter going to hold on in your part of the world Mr Ishmael or is there a Skirtsman licking his chops in anticipation of all those exxies he can fiddle ?

Can only think, like ex Labourites defecting to the Poundlanders people are seeing it as a chance to say fuck you to the TopHatters, TopHat Lite and the Toileteers. Well, they`ll learn.

The only results that can be guaranteed are Establishment noncing will continue to be covered up, banksters and City parasites will be cherished and indulged, they will line their cuntish pockets and we will be fucked ninety ways for Sunday.

call me ishmael said...

Aye, mr yardarm, and all the discerning voters, informing themselves, via the debates and the commentariat, fail to realise that the choice is between being fucked up the arse with a broken bottle or with a pick-axe handle wrapped in rusty barbed wire, all too clever to see that Gnasher and the FatMan are millionaire career politicians, just like the millionaire career politicians they impertinently deride, albeit that it takes a peculiarly Scottish kind of stupidity to fall for Gnasherism.

SG said...

There seems to be a special brand of impudence up there Mr I. I caught a bit of the Scottish 'leaders' debate earlier on. The bit where Ruth Boy asks 'see you' Jim Murphy if he's ever worked a zero hours contract. The irony is that he's on the ultimate zero hours contract - the one that's all pay and no work. He left 'uni', sans degree, after fucking around as El Presidente of the SU for several years, then straight into a Labour Party sinecure. Apparently this qualifies him to tell us how to create jobs and grow the economy, the cheeky cunt. Food Banks? - Yes he knows about those since he's been troughing from the nation's food bank for years, the fucker.  As for Gnasher, she increasingly reminds me of Rosa Klebb rather than the wee Kranky. I'm tired of the anti Tory rhetoric. In SNP nomenklatura 'Tory' is interchangeable with 'English'. As for not doing a deal with them, well the bitch would do a deal with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse if she thought it to her advantage. It would be great if Ruth Boy managed to swing three or four seats for the demonised Tories, just to raise a middle finger to the aforementioned.

SG said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
call me ishmael said...

Been thinking about that Zero hours thing, myself, they literally don't have to go to work at all, MPs, only turning up if they have nothing more lucrative to do.Showing their faces only during the Five-Yearly Festival of Competitive Promising

I saw a bit of last night's JockBoss debate and it grieves me, as you know, to say it, but I thought that the fatfuck from Poundland was the only person speaking English, the rest, most of tnem, anyway, gibbering in well-rehearsed NewSpeak soundbites, to a cliche-hungry audience, honking and howling like the seals on my shore. As Maestro Thompson says: shove it in their faces, give'em what they want, gotta make it fast, it's a fast food restaurant.

That is what these debates offer, McDonalds for the undiscerning political appetite, Green'n'greasy, with a side order of cornstarch fries, don't forget to help the team by putting your rubbish in the bin provided and Have A Nice Gnashering Day.

SG said...

Yes the competitive promising thing Mr I. It is (almost) fascinating, as Mr Spock might observe (to your earlier allusion), to watch Labour and the Tories painting themselves into, basically, the same corner. Income Tax - no change. VAT - no change. Spending - 'ring fenced'. But who pays? Ah yes, the 'undeserving rich'  - they will pay. Especially the foreign 'non-dom' tax evading variety. Oh, and the benefit scroungers - the undeserving poor - especially the foreign immigrant variety - they will pay too. Problem solved! This is pantomime politics Mr I. It is ironic that at a time when so much information, knowledge and education is available at the touch of a button (all those science and philosophy 'moocs' from Harvard, MIT et al, for the price of an internet connection) that we seem to be entering an 'new-age' of unreason - your honking, howling seals... Maybe the problem is the people, to paraphrase someone (I can't remember the formulation damn it!..), rather than the politicians?

call me ishmael said...

There may be A People, somewhere, a people disinclined to validate, by their applause, filth like that ghastly trollop, Liz Truss, on QT last night but I fear that the lure of spurious Involvement and Participation ensnares many.

Somewhere further back up the road I republished an eighteenth century cartoon, depicting a clutch of the Great and the Good all fucking each other up the arse in a daisychain of contempt for the rigorous Decency which they peddle to us in their day jobs; that couple of Thursday late-night hours, QT. and TW, I am sure, resolve themselves similarly. Louise Minge, Charlie Falconer, Andrew Neil, these are among MefiaMinster's vilest, rottenest, crookedest, chortling their contempt for the idea of A People - yet the People, those who imagine themselves to be discerning and informed, drool over, Neil's every creaking, bibilous snidery, as though he was Socrates in a hairpiece. I didn't, I must say, watch either of the shows, a glimpse was enough.

mr tdg used to chide and mock my belief in The People; looks as though he was right so to do, especially when we see how easily they, The People, are persuaded that there is a difference between
Tribesman and Tory, Labour and Liberal, Green and Poundlander.

No wonder, as we ogle this repulsive orgy, that we feel more insistently upon our cheeks, the hot breath of the Jihad.

inmate said...

You may have faith in the People Mr I, you may love your fellow man but this is what the Filth of MediaMinster think of the People and how desperate they are to repay their debts to BigGlobalCorp and BigBanking.


Check out the Regimental Insignia at 10:30 mins.

All for £6000, fucking disgusting.

call me ishmael said...

I can't cut'n'paste from blogger in ipad, mr inmate, I will have a look when on the laptop, later.

Maybe it is just the self-selectors, the audiences, on election and current affairs shows who're dead from the neck up, maybe the bloke watching the detectives on sky atlantic, not giving a fuck about the Dimblebys, or any of it, maybe he's the smart one. Just had a visitor, here, and I was trying to talk to him about Filth, Ruin and their servants and I would have needed a hundred years to get anywhere with him and it would only have made him unhappy, anyway. Oh, it's hard to tell, it's hard to tell, when all your love in vain.

SG said...

I claim no special prophetic power Mr I (even a broken clock is right twice a day and all that) but it is somewhat depressing to have, apparently, exercised some.

On 8 March I put up a tattered notice in this very place which included this:

"The demonisation of the Tories in Scotland has reached the point where it is beyond reason and undemocratic. The way things are going I wouldn't be surprised to see their offices and general presence in Scotland subjected to some sort of Kristallnacht".

It seems that the Scot Nat 'Sturmabteilung' have already started work:


And so it begins...

call me ishmael said...

It wasn't just that, mr sg, not just the Tories but also the homogenisation into Enemy of all who opposed separation. I, too, predicted that there would be blood. I have met some of these cunts and they are outside Reason's pale, hateful; Gnasher legitimises their urge to violence but thankfully there are more of us than there are of them and we have more money, more courage and far more brains. We must see how strong they actually are, come May although I suspect they are not as poweful as we are led to believe by MediaMinster.

SG said...

I tend to agree with you about that Mr I. I am guessing that the pro-independence vote and SNP vote are now, pretty much, one and the same and that those still voting Labour, Tory and Lib Dem are pro Union. That being the case the opinion polls suggest that while the SNP may grab most of the seats they are still not taking a large enough vote share to get over the 50% hurdle in a referendum. That said, the unionist parties could do worse than look across the water at what their 'undertaking' bretheren are up to - putting aside their differences in key marginals to optimise the prospects of beating the Nationalists. Local opportunism for sure but also with an eye to the bigger picture. In some scenarios it could be 9 or 10 Ulster Unionists that hold the balance of power and not the Tartan Army...

call me ishmael said...

Or, indeed, that stragem failing, le grande coalition to keep out both the Tribesmen and the Poundlanders. I can't help but think that the student politicking of Plaid and Gnasher and the bar-room bile of Sid, however much they may resonate with some, even with me, are too much sloganeering for most. Mine is the safest LibDem seat in the country so there is little opportunity for useful tactical voting but I think that Ruth Boy Davidson may have made it an option elsewhere; not long now.

SG said...

The problem with a Grand Coalition is that it would solidify and further energise the SNP case which is built around the proposition that Scots do not get the Government that they vote for.It would probably do for Labour in Scotland what Margaret Thatcher & the Poll Tax did for the Tories. It is somewhat ironic, though provides no cheer, that Labour should find themselves on the receiving end of the sort of tactics that they themselves used to successfully demonise the Tories. To me Scotland is starting to look an awful lot like Northern Ireland with the major faultline being the Union rather than left / right (after all the DUP draws its support from working class voters). There may even be a sectarian dimension too though I'm less sure about that and would be interested in the views of your goodself and the other contributors for whom this stuff is closer to home.

call me ishmael said...

Further on up the road, mr sg.

call me ishmael said...

The problem with a Grand Coalition is that it would solidify and further energise the SNP ....

It could also lock them up, sequester their funds and assets, jail their violent activists, invoke any number of D-notice, national security, counter-terrorism measures, saying they are a threat to the security of the state, which they are and that they are attempting to overturn the will of the Scottish majority, which they are, the late Mr Saddam Hussein posed nothing like the threat presented by these tribesmen and look what happened to him.

SG said...

Sounds like a plan Mr I! If only...