Thursday, 5 March 2015


Well, yes, I did invest heavily in Mr Proctor's shirt shop. Yes, it was after he was forced to resign as aTop Tory  MP. Yes-Yes, for beating under-aged rent boys. Filthy little tarts, most of 'em, been on the game since they were ten or eleven. Quite disgusting.

 Well, yes, it may have been illegal, but look, Harvey was a  Top lawmaker and as he rightly says, thrashing young men's bottoms is now not only entirely legal 

but is actually the sign of a Top gentleman. 
And look, other senior Top Tory MPs and Top ministers invested in Harvey's shop. Who? Well, 

there was Lord Jeffrey Bumhole. 

And Neil Hamilton. 

Yes-Yes and Tim Shagger Yeo. 

 Yes, distinguished public servants; Top men of the greatest probity, of utterly unblemished character. Why did we all invest hundreds of thousands of pounds in  a poncey shirt shop, run by a sex offender? 

 Well, now look, lets be clear, it was simply because as well as being the nation's  Top legislators we are all very successful business persons who can spot a shrewd investment. Yes-Yes,  I suppose we did lose every penny. But at least Harvey wasn't forced to sell his story to the newspapers. Even though it would all have been made-up, a tissue of lies.
Dolphin Square? 

Never heard of it.

Mr Harvey Proctor, former Top Tory MP and member of the right-wing Nutters Club is being investigated by Metropolitan Police officers in relation to the alleged child murders in Dolphin Square.
It was all a very long time ago and few of us can see any point in raking over old kiddies' bodies, I mean coals. 

Mr Proctor, like so many Top talented and prominent people, works for one of our oldest and most respected aristocratic families, at Belvoir Castle. The chances of him being a child molester, therefore,  are vanishingly thin.

Former Top Tory Prime Minister John Major, a patron of Mr Proctor's shirt shop, said yes, they were  agreeably tailored, Mr Proctor's shirts, the tail being most generously proportioned; ideal for wiping Mrs Currie's bodily fluids from one's not inconsiderable John Thomas, before placing it back in one's famous, if one might say so, grey underpants.

Does the right honourable member for Family Values fancy a quick Proctoring?
Oh, yes, prime minister.

Dolphin Square?
Never heard of it.


Mark said...

The BBC in their role as overseers of justice gave Harvey a good opportunity to set out his defence this morning.
I don't suppose that there was any possibility of this making any future trial difficult as otherwise the wouldn't have done it.
I wonder what the BBC's policy for allowing such pieces on the Today program are.

mongoose said...

Well that was a bit spooky.

call me ishmael said...

I haven't listened to Today for some years, now, maybe ten but I did hear, and mention, a few weeks back, that some senior spook had described the PBC as the State Broadcaster, working for the government; I believe he was speaking specifically about the Fopreign Office and the PBC being a weapon in its armoury but I am sure that the PBC is equally at home defending any branch of government, current or previous, as well as any political party which may, at any stage, have some influence over the licens fee; how could it be any other way? All their kids go to the same schools, thay all went to the same universities, eat in the same resaurants, ski in the same resorts and ponce a luxurious living off the taxpayer.

If Humphries and the rest are such fierce inquisitors, why is there no shortage of people queueing-up to be on the show. It's all a charade, Humphiruies is as big a cunt as his interviewees. No business, mr mark, like showbusiness.

Heseltine, however, is a multi-millionaire; what was he playing-at, throwing money at a nincompoop like Proctor and calling it an investment? And what was the position with HMRC, was Tarzan able to write-off his shirt venture, against his other interests, making it effectively a gift, or making it hush money? I don't suppose the Today programme asked that question.

Mark said...

Today asked no questions at all - they just handed the mic over to Harvey and let him explain that what he was found guilty of was now legal and if he could be bothered he could get the conviction expunged from the records.
I am sure that Heseltine has sufficiently smart accountants to make sure that he was not exposed to any undue financial burden.

call me ishmael said...

In effect, then, thowing tens of thousands at an unproved shirt business could just have been a front for hush money, the cost of which was eventually borne by the taxpayer.

I don't think that anyone can get a conviction expunged; it will, like most convictions, be removed after a set period but it is not for the convicted person to affect this, no matter who he thinks he is.

I may listen to Spanker Harvey on the i-thing.

inmate said...

Mr I
Sir there seems to be a post missing, the Ruritanian pederast half brothers. Is it Cheltenham & Gloucester headquarters laying down the law?
There needs to be an inquiry, best speak to Theresa, see if she can find a good Aussie to chair it.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, mr inmate, it does seem to be missing; none but I have access to the blogger dashboard. I wonder what's happened.

mongoose said...

If you want it, it's here, Mr I. Very curious, no?

bungalow bill said...

This can happen in any well run monarchy Mr I. Things and/or people can just go missing. It's for our own good.

The lamentable Alan Clark described Heseltine as the sort of man who has to buy his own furniture. He's probably had to pay for a few other things down the years as well.

call me ishmael said...

Thanks, mr mongoose, I have reposted it for future reference, together with the comments. God bless engineers, eh.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, I read the Diaries and I thought that was the best line in them, mr bungalow bill. Not saying much, I know but deliciously and revealingly snooty.

I have been looking at some Stewart Lee stuff; he is very accomplished but in danger, I think, of flying up his own arse, printing commentaries on screen performances, about what he's doing and why and what it all means. I also have difficulty with entertainers who call themselves artists. Bill Hicks was, I think the last comedy artist. Very entertaining , though, Lee, best of the current crop.

call me ishmael said...

The PBC does seem to be stressing the fact that Harvey's conduct would be legal today, missing the point that that is irrelevant, it was illegal then and even if it wasn't then the vision of a powerful adult inflicting corporal punishment on a paid youngster is utterly fucking repulsive; typical smug Tory cunt, Proctor, needs a good slapping, himself.

yardarm said...

You said it Mr Ishmael, hush money. First the shop now he works for some top inbreds. His mates have seen him all right. People like Proctor usually get shunned; if not, then why not ? Same questions we have been asking about Ponce Andrew and Epstein.

This stuff about his `87 conviction is a smokescreen: the fuzz are investigating him for things very illegal then as now. Could he be the first to squeal ?

No doubt the fancy footwork has already started: the ' threat ' from Bad Vlad is like manna from heaven for the Establishment.

call me ishmael said...

Aye, mr yardarm, Vlad is regularly over here, buggering children and beating them with sticks. Can't be too careful.

I betcha there's fortunes being offered to the Met, just now, those not already on the payroll. It'll be our money, of course, one way or another; as mr bungalow bill says, we are here to be fucked, beaten, robbed and murdered, especially our children.

Always was something strange about Mike Heseltine, bullying, flouncing, narcissistic and as Alan Clark said, a pushy arriviste, all airs and graces, yet the whiff of the beast underlying his cologne.

mongoose said...

Is there anything more arriviste than your dad buying a castle with his dad's money? Although you'd have to forgive the self-satisfied old(er) bastard that for his TV series which could never happen today.

call me ishmael said...

I didn't see Civilisation, I think it was too snooty for my parents but I have only heard good things about it. Hard to find watchable tellyhistory shows, today. Despite all the technology of archaeology, photography and broadcasting at their disposal the presenters, nearly all of them, just love getting in the way, it is always THEIR show, I'm Dan Snow and I am passionate about being on telly, I mean about history. I can watch Waldemar Jabberwocky and Matthew Collings but I think that's because their subject is art history, of which I know so little. Dr Tubby Ramirez, however, on the Venerable Bede or Neil Oliver on the Battle of Bannockburn, both make me reach for my bloodaxe. Alright, I know all of this stuff and younger viewers probably don't but Lindisfarne is not about endless close-ups of Tubby Ramirezes spike heels as Scottish history can be taught without there being a shot a minute of Neil tossing his locks on some mountaintop. And don't fucking start me about Professor Brian Grin and his Universe of Showbiz.

Woman on a Raft said...

A question about Portillo. Last night he was making general statements about the negligence at the maternity hospital. But his words seemed slightly more open to interpretation to my ears.

His general point was that when something bad happens, the establishment response is to cover it up and make it as hard as possible for victims to get any recourse. He pointed out that the midwives in question are still working in the NHS. Yes, I know we are talking about Portillo and the example was the NHS, but my question to the panel is this:

Leaving aside his unfortunate face and sneary manner, is it possible that Portillo was on the level? That his political career was chopped short not just by losing his seat but by a refusal to play along with the political elite? Was he, is he, the kind of person who might blow whistles and refuse to go along with corruption, and therefore was not the Right Stuff and of no further use to them?

Bungalow Bill said...

There's a 5 minute section at the end of Civilisation in which Clark Snr sums up and it's quite moving in its way. He means it, even if it ends in a bit of a patrician Tory fudge. You can get it on youtube " A Stick in the Mud".

As for Portillo, I think he's a weird man and I can't easily watch that godawful late night programme where he squashes against Dianne Hypocrite. Mrs WoaR may be right though because his abrupt departure and penitential volte-face when he was kicked out certainly didn't ring true in such an ambitious man.

jgm2 said...

Mr Bungalow Bill,

I think losing as safe a safe seat as it's possible to have entirely explains Portillo's departure.

There's no coming back from that.

call me ishmael said...

He looks increasingly like Les Dawson's old woman, gulping and scowling,venturing his pompous arsehole opinions. I saw that item last night, mrs woar, and found it typically unremarkable; it contained no Portillo prophecies, just as well, for he is consistently wrong. An extremely over-rated Thatcherite Noddy politician good for fuck all and as a Defence Secretary notable only for his personal hypocrisy in the matter of gays in the military, as bad as his support for section 28. Who can forget his dire Who Dares Wins speech at Tory conference, Christ almighty, he was worse than Tarzan.

I remember seeing some of his goons quite illegally wrestling Peter Tatchell to the ground, merely for challenging Portillo on gay issues. As to his career being blocked as a result of his integrity, I find that impossible to swallow; he lost the leadership battle because he withdrew and he lost his seat because the voters didn't want him. Never mind, Westminster's loss is broadcasting's loss, too.

call me ishmael said...

The squirmiest moment in this week's This Week was Neil fawning over the Disco musician, telling him that his records had been the soundtrack to Neil's no doubt dazzling life. My view, then and now, is that Disco Sucks, so to speak. I thought and think the same about Andrew Neil, he sucks, too.

Mike said...

Mr I: you are a bit hard on Neil. He fulfills his role as the token hard man of TeeVee politics, asking all the hard questions, but not the really difficult ones. He's maximised his worth with his limited appeal, and shagged a few birds in the process. He's bright enough to know not to cross the line.

Not quite as good as the traditional fool/jester, but the modern equivalent.

Bungalow Bill said...

Yes he's a prize twat Portillo, no doubt of it. What I found odd though was his retreat from any sort of political life. That other waster, Patten, got booted but then merrily proceeded to wear his plumed hat as governor and chancellor. Most of them find some sinecure don't they? Michael makes programmes about trains and chortles at Brillo's fucking awful patter. Strange that such a poseur should deny himself any wider stage.

Perhaps he made some serious enemies who knew too much about him. Anyway, why should we care?

call me ishmael said...

Well, mr mike, I think you summarise my crtiticism better than I did. Neil plays the game of inquisitor but as I was saying about Humphries, if he asked any real questions of them then they wouldn't be queueing up to appear on his dreadful shows, and shows are what they are, entertainment for those who, unable to read, write or discuss, as we do here, develop a political consciousness formed for them by dodgy old Tory playboys like Andrew Neil and the degenerate thieves and fraudsters of the PBC Directorate, peddling us whatever illusions they think we will swallow. Why, also, is he on every fucking day, do inating the political broadcast schedule with hus cheesy old sneer and his fruitless catchphrase, Well you're not going tonanswer my question.......Neil's is the most dismal of all the forms of TeeVee political interrogation. A stooge in a suit and a hairpiece, uncultured, unimaginativd, turgid and suffocating.

But none of that matters. I feel that a partial explanation of you living Down Under, whilst paying such attention to matters UK is - as well as a wanderlust - an impatience with I call the Ruination of Britain, largely at the hands of a MediaMinster cabal, running across domestic and external policy, press and broadcasting, commerce and industry,coarsening, monetising and debasing the common weal, stifling and suppressing Decency and all her values and I believe in my bones that one of the major culprits in Britain's decline has been the cancer that is Rupert Murdoch. Andrew Neil, far more than filth like Kelvin McKenzie, Andrew Neil, sat there like an emperor squeezed into his shiny suits, bullying Diane Abbott, thinking he's as clever as fuck, was Murdoch's premier paid advocate, handmaiden and fellator, all the time gobbing-off, then as now, about his own journalistic integrity. Andrew Neil is filth and ruin, Peter Stringfellow in a better suit, a smarmy, cock-waving atrocity. Stooging about in the walked garden if crime, privilege and decadence, Neil is Power's Rentboy Ancien. If I ever get the chance I will piss on his memorial and shit on his grave. Too hard on him? He needs standing up against the wall.

call me ishmael said...

Sorry abouf the typos, I will correct them anon, on the wife's laptop

call me ishmael said...

i imagine it is, mr bungalow bill, as you say in your final sentence, people have put Micky in Purdah for challenging the assumed transfer of Power,shut him down tight at the time and permit him a studiedly uncontroversial seat at Neil's grubby table and a job fronting ind of the most banal and anodyne TeeVee shows ever made, a stuttering, pinkjacket dilletante on a choo-choo; how, fuck me Jesus, are the mighty fallen.

Mike said...

Mr I: Watching from afar, I must admit to a touch of schadenfraude.

If Hogarth were alive to make reality TeeVee, this would be it.