This is the news from Gerry and Cilla McCann's PR team - the British Government - that they're now convinced that the infamous master assassin was seen near their Portugese apartment carrying a blonde-haired, very well cared for and perfectly properly parented neglected child.
It was sometime between Oswald's second and third impossibly accurate head shots
that he slipped from the Book Depository, into the famous Texan Time Tunnel, through Time and in - a micro-nano-milli-second - into Portugal. Once there, he grabbed the missing child, walked past several witnesses who can now identify him positively, warped his way back to 1963 and took, from behind the president, the final shot which blew his head to fucking pieces, from the front.
Holder of the illustrious UN Child Welfare medal, as well as Viz magazine's Biggest Cunt of All Time award, Dr Gerry McCann
sneered that it was very well known among intelligent people, like Cilla and himself and their staff - that as Mrs Kennedy climbed frantically across the back of the doomed Lincoln - strange that, isn't it, if I was a president I wouldn't ever, ever travel in a car called a Lincoln - gathering-up her-soon-to-be-late husband's brains,
she saw, in the distant book depository, a very well parented blonde child who could only have been from the future.
The former First Lady would often, in later life, wonder who the little girl was but was too busy at the dressmaker's or the hairdesser's or with being taken,
Greek-Style, up the Acropolis, by her second husband, the dwarf Aristotle Ownalottashipsis.
Although she never said anything officially about this, JackieO is known to have gossiped about it widely among her jetset court of pimps, slags, whores, rentboys and drugdealers.
This proves beyond doubt, continued Dr Gerry,
that the Portugese police sent an agent back in time and recruited Mr Oswald to steal our little girl whilst we were very responsibly getting pissed, some way away from the apartment where we had locked her securely in, or not locked her in, depending on which sounds best.
Cilla and I have said all along that there was a link between the Kennedy Assassination and the abduction of Maaaaadlin. This proves it.
And if anyone says different we will sue them for every penny they have.
Fuck, not those two again
In Downing Street, unelected prime minister Cameron said This may well be a job for a Time Lord. Clearly, like my friends Mr Coulson and Ms Skanky,
the McCanns are innocent of anything, of everything in fact.
As am I.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Or her horse.
Later, in the house, Mr Cameron continued....And having lost a child myself, Mr Tiny Speaker, people can rely on me to safeguard the NHS by not re-organising it or selling it off to Mr Lansley's friends, which I am busy doing. No, sorry, this isn't about the NHS, is it, slipped off message there, it's just that Gerry and Cilla are both fine doctors, fine people, and, let's be clear about this, who hasn't left their kid alone at the pub, or wherever, certainly not me. No, I'm sure I speak for all in this house when I say that the PBC should do the right thing and make an episode of Doctor Who which proves beyond all doubt that the McCanns are right in everything they say, however bizarre, incredible and insulting it sounds to the rest of us. I call on the PBC for once to do the right thing.
cheers, waving of order papers, hear-hears.
Speaking at Paedo House, the new Doctor Who, that jock prick luvvie, Capaldi,
said to young a fan, SeeYouYaWeeFairy, if ye dinnae do as I tell ye, I'll rip off yer stupid fag heid and shit doon yer throat, now, fuck off oota here and wait fer me in the Savile Suite.
Bravo! Gosh, isn't he wonderful, screeched the assembled
Doctor Who production team, our jobs're safe for another fifty years.