Tuesday, 30 October 2012




Good evening, Krishnan Guru-Numpty here,

with Channel Four News, where, as usual, at the slightest excuse, we have all flown over to the States because we like it here, I'm sorry, I'll read that again, to cover the worst ever terrible storm since the last one.

Biblical, is how presidential candidate and  nutter-Mormon Mitt Dickhead describes the unfolding meteorological catastrophe. This is what happens when you elect a nigger  to a job that a white man should be doing. God is just gonna shit all over you and never mind how much tax you paid. Or didn't, in my case. Not that I have anything against President Obamalama, the foetus-murdering heathenbastardGodlesscommunistsonofafuckingbitch  but just ask yourselves, brothers and sisters, how shit has the weather been this last four years, has it been any better under a coon administration? NosirreeBob, it sure ain't and now we got us a shitstorm sent by the Almighty to show us, I mean show  y'all, the error of yo' ways. But there's time yet.  Just like how the Creator made the world  in six days and then put his feet up on the porch, there's time in this coming coupla weeks to cree-ate a new Amerka.  And that means votin' fer me. Otherwise y'all gonna be up to yer tits in raw sewage as the Good Lord sends flood after flood on yer sinnin', non-Mormon asses. (aside to aide, Do we believe in that God stuff, us Mormons, or is it the lizard thing we do?)

At the White House, President Obama said, My fellow motherfuckers,  in view of the proximity of the election I have decided to declare this the most terrible thing that ever happened to this great nation of ours.  I will not seek to make political capital out of these terrible events but will just remain here at my post, calm and confident and reassuring, your president and commander-in-shit, I mean chief.

We go over now by sattelite to Jon Sox who is interviewing some people in some African shithole.

Thanks, Krishna  and I am joined here at the Channel Four kraal, by Chief M'bongo M'bongo, the spiritiual head of millions of savages, I mean indigenous fuckers.  Chief, whaddayouthink about the terrible events unfolding in the land of the Great White Father, where the power's out and the water.s cut off, and terrible things like that?

Well, Jon-sahib, we don't have no power.  Don't have no clean water, either, as it happens.  But if we did, we would gladly forego   them in order that Uncle Sam's blessed children don't have to  be without anything.  Which is what we do anyway.  We go withoui so's fat, bloated, stupid, waddling   Americans can stuff their stupid fat faces and drive their stupid fat cars.  Fuck me, Jon sahib, we do more for America than Americans do. And proud to do it, too. E pluribus unum, that's our motto, Jon-sahib, the many work for the few.

Well, there you have it, Krishna, the whole world feels America's pain at this terrible time, but  not as much as I do, Did I ever tell you I interviewed President Kennedy? (sings: O-oh  say, can you see, by the dawn's early light.........)

That was Jon Sox there for us in some corner of a  foreign field.  And just to remind you of our top story -  There's been some bad weather in the home of the brave, land of the free. And President Obama looks set to hang onto his job in Wall Street, I mean the White House.  


the noblest prospect said...

Aye, well, I suppose it could be worse, Mr Smith, the next incumbent could have been a fucking Jehovah's Witness.

Anonymous said...

Depends, Mr Prospect, on what the Jehovah's Witness was fucking. Suppose, s/he was fucking a (carefully-opened) tin of pilchards. My point of view would include a degree of puzzlement but no outrage, nor even mild disapproval, to speak of. On the other hand, if the recipient of his/her carnal attentions was the entire collection of the world's dispossessed, well, how would that be any different from Obama or any of them?

jgm2 said...

Looks like they got a bit of a going over in New York Mr I. The best thing for us to do in the Sarf of England with our geostatic rebound plunging us into the channel is to learn the lessons and build bigger and better walls along the Thames and make sure that when our big storm and spring tides coincide we're peering over the wall from dry land and our tube lines and tunnels have proper fucking steel doors you can close instead of looking at the fucking equivalent of the Blackwall tunnel or the Dartford Crossing or the Circle line filled up with umpty billion gallons of saltwater and shit.

Still, the rebuilding and rescue effort should contribute enormously to GDP and 'growth'. A few more major natural disasters like this and the yanks will be giving it 'Recession? What recession..'.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if Obama (or Romney - if elected) takes full credit for the economic lift created by such a disaster.

call me ishmael said...

It's the obsession with the Big Apple, that's what bugs me. The reality is probably that fewer New Yorkers than usual died last night, what with the transit systems being shut down and everything and yet we have sent regiments of hacks over there to intone mournfully at us, as if any if them could tell their arses from a hole in the ground.

I was in Northumberland last week, had the rear panel of my car ripped off by flood water; approaching Holy Island, I was, and there were floods everywhere; no sign of some bint from the BBC, tribulating into the camera for viewers in America.

I thinkgar, mr ed one is entitled, obliged, even, to take a little more umbrage at the impertinence of Jovas, by the way, than at other groups, including politicians.

Every one of those words is true, mr jgm2. Maybe hizonner the albino dunderhead, Bojo, will take them to heart, when he comes to make his move.

the noblest prospect said...

No difference at all, of course, Mr Edgar. More a question of nuance.

Would we rather be boned up the arse by one resplendent in his Temple Garments or by one who learned his trade in Chicago's bath houses?

At least the fucking Jehovah's Witnesses would leave you your organs.

Anonymous said...

Well, Mr Ishmael, your reasoning is mysterious. I do not feel obliged to take umbrage at con-artists, who merely want to bilk me of a little cash on a promise of everlasting life. On the other hand, the cynical arsewipes who send young men to kill and die for shifty, secret reasons that have fuck-all to do with defence or democracy ... now, that is a group that I will reserve all of my umbrage for.

call me ishmael said...

You're right mr e, I was only being flippant; I just detest the conceit and the patronising of the door knockers, Jovas, Mormons, doesn't matter which gang it is, Scientologists, too, although they seem only to accost people on the streets and not on their own doorsteps.

Dick the Prick said...

They always send old biddies with a terrorized teen loitering in the background, plaintive, trapped, distant - leaving the householder torn between basic compassion and the will to shout 'fuck off' in antagonised despair. Canny fuckers!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Ish, have you been carrying out a resolution to get Christmas organised well in advance? If so, you have now had a whole month to do this, and I am starting to miss your acerbic views on the stupidities, hypocrisies, hubris etc of the known players.

I do hope you are well and will write something, if only to chide my cheeky presumptions.

Anonymous said...

Wising you and yours 'A Merry Christmas', Mr Ish.

Dr Kelly said...

Errr, r u dead or sumfin?

If not... Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Woman on a Raft said...

Best wishes.

Dr Kelly, from the other side said...

R U a bit dead or something?
If not, Happy New Year!

DtP said...

Happy New Year Mr Smith

I hope you're alright and that you've had a peaceful Hogmannay.

All the very best


Forgotten but sometimes still here said...

A Happy New Year to you, Mr. Ishmael. I hope that this reaches you, as your unique insight and vitriol appear to be missing from the Land of Blog. I'm sure I'm not alone in mourning your absence, and I fear that the health problems that beset you in 2012 are keeping you from your virtual friends. The state of the world gives little cause for levity, but you can usually wring a wry smile from contemplation of Ruin, its practitioners, apologists and managers, lightng a lonely, wavering flame in the darkness.

mrs narcolept said...

I never stop hoping that all is well and you will be back soon.