The Sunday Ishmael: 26/07/2026

 Now that A.I. has taken over answering all your internet queries, and, of course, A.I. is insufferably woke, pompous and fair, having been glutted with the oat-milk of human kindness, you'll struggle to find a definition of the term "common" that was perfectly well understood in the respectable working class in which I was hatched. 

My dad thought that everyone who lived in a council house was common. I thought that was going a bit far, myself, and often played on the Rec. with girls from council houses. There were the indisputably common women, flaunting their shelf-like busooms in tight dresses, drinking port and lemon and sporting bright-red nails to match greasy, bright red lips. They had affairs with common men who had tattoos. Everyone knew that only men who had spent time in prison or the merchant navy had tattoos. And only common women would go with them because they were alcohol-addicted, violent and sexually promiscuous. And maybe got up to unnatural practices. Chapel and the library were respectable. Betting shops and tap rooms were common.

My A.I. now tells me: "A common person refers to someone who belongs to the ordinary group of people, without special recognition, fame, or exceptional talents. They are the majority of individuals you encounter in daily life, such as neighbours, friends, family members, or strangers at the supermarket." 

A very useful category of class demarcation wiped out in fifty years. 

However, everyone still viscerally understands the old meaning, even though they dare not say it for fear of being re-educated.

And will probably agree when I say that The Burnhams are common.

No, really, that dress! Common. A Victoria Beckham number at £850, designed to make its wearer look like a Footballer's Wife, especially when coupled with the scraped back hair and enormous hooped earrings.

By the time one has attained a certain age, a certain presence of bullock-like buttock and belly, whilst retaining the absence of boobage, it is time to take Queen Camilla as a role model, especially when becoming a statesman's wife. Mrs Trump never looks like she married a footballer. Mrs Princess Middleton, despite being stick-thin, wears dresses that skim rather than cling.

Loudly let the trumpet bray

Tantantara, tantantara!

Proudly bang the sounding brasses,

Tantantara! Tzing, boom! As upon its lordly way

This unique procession passes.

Tantantara, tantantara! Tzing Boom, Tzing Boom, Tzing Boom.

Bloody common. Shipping in coachloads of family and friends to be hugged and pointed at outside Number 10 in a tawdry triumphalist spectacle: "I won! I won! I won! Yah Boo sucks to you!"

No, naff. The Prime Minister of Great Britain, For Fuck's Sake. Carrying on as if he's just brought it home. And speaking without notes and without a lectern might have been impressive if he'd had anything to say. Which would have required some serious economic thinking. Instead, he's going to sweep up rough sleepers from the streets. He'll have to incarcerate them in a secure establishment if he wants to keep them off the streets. After all, the streets are where you can take drugs and drink alcohol, funded by the kindness of oat-milk strangers. They used to be called Sturdy Beggars.

Now, Sir Keir Starmer. He's not common. Boring, yes. Managerial, yes. Touchy, especially when facing Kemi Badenoch's Fuck Gun at P.M.Q.s - well, yes.

Wrong, frequently. But Common? Nah. That's where he went wrong. Burnham has worked out that there are more of the people than there are of the rulers, and so he has set out assiduously to court them. Sacked all the Starmerites and appointed a set of people you would cross the road to avoid.

Big Ange, she of the Ginger Growler, is back. Now, she's common. Hilarious to listen to her justifying her stamp-duty avoidance that got her sacked by Starmer: "Tax is complicated. I didn't do anything wrong. I have learned that, being a woman with a woman's little brain, I should consult experts in the future." Hmm, yes. Can we have one of those experts instead of you, Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government??

Louise Haigh, she's common, too - the box-dyed hair and the entitlement that had her committing fraud by false representation in 2014. Some nonsense about lying to police that she had been mugged on a night out and her mobile phone stolen. Ladies don't go on the sort of nights out that get them mugged. Came to light when she started using the phone again and her phone provider grassed her up to the police.  Starmer sacked her for it. Prime Minister Burnham has appointed her First Secretary of State, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, and Minister for the Cabinet Office. 

There's a pattern emerging here.  

I don't think John Healey is common, and he doesn't appear to have a criminal record. Despite his official mugshot.

Would you buy a bridge from this man?

But his appointment as Chancellor of the Exchequer, thrusting aside Rachel Fromm-Accounts, the first female Chancellor as she never tired of telling us, is an insight into Prime Minister Burnham's dark sense of humour. Remember Healey resigned from his job as Defence Minister because Starmer wouldn't give him the money to defend Britain now that we are in an undeclared war. He stated that because Starmer was "unable" and the Treasury "unwilling" to match the funding required for this highly unstable security environment, he was left with no option but to step down rather than compromise national safety. By giving him the Chancellorship, Burnham was essentially saying, find the money yourself. Look under the Exchequer's cushions. Healey's response in cabinet was that the government would maintain "fiscal discipline". So, are we at war, or not, John? Is it a highly unstable security thingamajig or are we being fiscally disciplined?  Healey also announced that Digital ID would be scrapped and the funds used instead to cut VAT on electricity bills in an £850-million plan. It was rapidly pointed out that the Digital I.D. scheme was unfunded. Oops.

Chancer. 

Career politician since 1997. Served in Blair and Brown's Cabinets, Ed Milliband, Jeremy Corbyn and Starmer's Shadow Cabinets, then appointed by Starmer to be Defence Secretary after Starmer's landslide victory. Clearly a staunch Labour guy. So it must have hurt when he turned on Starmer to facilitate Burnham's power bid.

"Musei Wormiani Historia", the frontispiece from the Museum Wormianum depicting Ole Worm's Cabinet of Curiosities

The Laura Kuenssberg Interview - more or less.

 "Well, Prime Minister, you're a bit of a light weight, aren't you? Will you be able to stand up to President Trump?"

 "Eh up, Laura, I'm from Northern and I take folks as I find them. That Donald Trump, he's got a personality. Well, I've got a personality too. And its a Northern personality."

So, Prime Minister, 9,708,716 people voted for Keir Starmer in the 2024 General Election. You didn't even stand. One of your mates had to resign his Makerfield seat to let you in. 24,937 people voted for you in Makerfield. Shouldn't you call a General Election to justify your usurpation of power?

"No, of course I'm effing not calling a General Election. Do you think I'm barking mad? Just because I'm from Northern? The however-many million voters who voted for Labour fell for our policy promises, more fool them, and I'm going to implement those policies or not so there's no need for a General Election, as you'll agree. That's a mandate, that is."

"On Monday, 20th July, the nation was treated to the sight of the magnificently bullock-haunched Mrs Burnham - if you can't persuade her to dress like an international statesman's wife, how do you think you can get the Cabinet to do as you want?"

"Well, Laura, being from Northern, we like a bit of rump 

and I can afford for my wife to dress like a tart, although if that Lord Ali wants to buy me a new suit, I wouldn't say no. This one's worn badly. As for the Cabinet, well, Laura, I've sacked all the ones who were beginning to know how to do their jobs; we have a political term for it - Starmerite defenestration - and the new ones will do as they're told or they'll be out on their ears. I've got 403 more of the buggers to choose from." 

The Cabinet, as we say in Football, is a game of two halves. The ones who want to keep their jobs on the Gravy Train and the ones who supported Starmer."

What's all this shit about devolution, Prime Minister? Bollocks, isn't it? Didn't you write to regional papers around the country last month - same article, just the address changed, promising "growth in every postcode, hope in every heart", failing to account for existing variations around Britain? 

"Aye, Laura, Number 10 North, or Manchesterism, as I like to call it, but really, it's just working from home one day a week for me, save me trekking down to London all the time."

You know nothing about  international politics, do you? Anything outside Manchester, let alone England, its just the Wild West to you, isn't it? Here Be Dragons, sort of thing.

"What do you mean, Laura, I've got no experience on the international political stage? Really? Really? I'll have thee know I've been to all the international games and played in a fair few of them misen."

"Man of the people, me."

Letter to Clarence House from the man of the people:

 In June 2009, Burnham was promoted to Secretary of State for Health, a post he held until the Labour government resigned following the 2010 general election. In July 2009 he launched an independent inquiry chaired by Robert Francis QC into unusually high mortality rates at Stafford Hospital (later renamed County Hospital). The inquiry uncovered systematic failures and heavily criticized the care provided by the Mid Staffordshire NHS Foundation Trust. A subsequent, wider public inquiry—also led by Francis—was launched in 2010 by Burnham's Conservative successor, Andrew Lansley. This wider inquiry also confirmed serious failings.

After leaving office, it emerged that Burnham and his predecessor Alan Johnson (soubriquet Alan Johnson Disease) had rejected 81 separate requests for a public inquiry into the Stafford Hospital deaths. Burnham was also heavily criticised for not visiting the hospital or meeting with the affected families. The Daily Telegraph reported that up to 2,800 more deaths than expected had occurred across 14 NHS trusts highlighted for high mortality rates since initial concerns were raised in 2005. 

Here's mr ishmael writing about the youthful Burnham in his earlier incarnation as Health Secretary. Opinion, innit. Here's what he had to say - 

And as for this arsehole, well, there aren't any words which would do justice to his performance, unless they are spelt BAFTA.  Bubbles Burnham sinking to the occasion. 
Andy Bubbles Burnham, NewLabour scoundrel and the most dangerous health seckatry in history, takes a Staffordshire bow.

  
That, of course, should read Faculty of Death, 
prop HM Seckatry of state for health, Andy Burnham.
Not very handy Andy Bubbles, incumbent health secretary, good at saying this is unacceptable and accepting it, Oxbridge, Oxbridge and useless, one of Incapability Brown's bunker barrel scrapings, currently working on a strategy for personal care for the elderly - other, we presume than killing them off in NHS hospitals staffed by babbling, hatchet-faced, money-grubbing, pinstripe Rotarians. Lord, have mercy, that our twilights be crafted by such as these. Up against the wall, motherfuckers.

MR ANDY "BUBBLES" BURNHAM, MP.

There is no need to worry, said the Plague Secretary today.

The UK is well placed to have a good plague, if we aren't seeing millions of deaths among the economically non-productive (formerly, hard-working families, the old, disabled and vulnerable) by Christmas, plans are well in advance to both deliberately infect people and withhold life-saving treatment. The prime minister will, hiding in the toilet, masturbating frenziedly and biting his nails until they bleed, demonstrate his strength in a crisis and prove to the nation that it is only by returning a NewLabour government that we will stop killing you. It is the right thing for the country.

Mr Bubbles continued by adding that he had plenty of mascara, more than enough to see him through any number of Crises, What Crisis television appearances with his fellow-cosmeticists, beauticians and slap-artistes, Messieurs Paxoman, BoultoLard and les Freres Dimbleby, the nation's favourite Chairmen.

I urge all cabinet ministers to apply their make-up carefully, the Death Secretary concluded; in Plague times like these the Prime Minister needs to see a pretty face or two, it's only natural.

.................................................................................

Should this little amuse bouche from mr ishmael have you nostalgically pining for the old days, you can, courtesy of editor mr verge, the house filthster, have endless fun with the four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

Ishmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

mrs ishmael, among the dark satanic mills