This came down in the storms a month or so ago. Not in Orkney, I hasten to add - we don't have such stuff here. Half uprooted, it looked dramatic and a bit tragic, but the thing that stopped my ishmaeling in her dog-walking tracks was the cotton wool it was covered in. Having fallen over, this exuberance of fluffy white snow was at eye level, rather than high in the canopy. So she phoned me on account of how I know everything. Except on this occasion, I had no clue. Was the fluffy stuff some exudate of the dying tree? Was it a fungal infection taking advantage? So I asked my AI, which replied in meticulous, measured bullet points, as usual. Turns out the tree is a hybrid black poplar, and, far from dying, it was doing exuberantly well, leafing out and producing seed fluff a month after going over. An absolute survivor.
That's what the white stuff is - it is in full seed‑fluff mode. A bit like a dandelion clock, I suppose. This specimen is a lady tree, giving her seeds the best start in life - wrapped in silky fibres so they can drift on the wind. When conditions are right, it can look like a tree is shedding wool. The tree is a Populus x canadensis, or hybrid black poplar - a cross between our native black poplar ( which is very rare - only 7000 specimens recorded in Britain) and the American eastern cottonwood that originated in France in the 18th century. There are various cultivated varieties that have been grown for ornamental planting and timber production, and have also become naturalised. This tree can now be seen along riversides, roadsides and in parks.
It has heart‑shaped leaves and smooth grey bark until middle ‑age, when the bark begins to get deeply furrowed. Hmmm, yes. Sounds familiar.
It got upended in the high winds because poplars have shallow, wide‑spreading root plates, but if even part of the root system remains in contact with soil, they’ll keep pumping water and nutrients, and it will regenerate by re-anchoring itself, the crown reorienting towards the light and new upright shoots will form along the trunk, like a giant coppice stool.
The storms this winter brought down a lot of shallow‑rooted species. Poplars, willows, and limes were the main casualties. But a fallen poplar that’s still alive is not unusual — they’re half tree, half phoenix. So there's your good news story for the week. Nice change from humans with their wars and assassinations. Talking of which, it seems that the Americans take their politics much more seriously than do the British. Three attempted assassinations in 21 months survived by Trump, whereas Starmer can't even boast one. Trump's last hit, however, was not, what shall we say - sophisticated. His would be murderer's plan seems to have been to check into the hotel, take his gun down into the basement where the White House Correspondents' Dinner was being held and run very quickly through the security personnel to get close enough to shoot Trump. If it had been a film, maybe.
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| Trump being hustled away by security officers |
As it was, he was apprehended by security officers, who took off all his clothes and wrapped his nether regions in aluminium foil. Probably a good reason for that. Brian Cox, the incredibly aged Dundonian, mouthy actor,
not Professor Brian Cox of the cheekbones,
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| Isn't it all amazing? |
Slow down, mrs ishmael, I'm confused. Ed.
You're confused? You should try camping in my head.
Deep breath.
Right. Unprofessor Brian Cox, Proponent at Large for Scottish Independence and sufferer from Trump Derangement Syndrome, who never misses an opportunity to slag off Trump, on account of how he spends a lot of time in the United States, so he knows what the poor people are suffering. Because of Trump. Really? Which poor people does Cox know, I wonder? They let him on the BBC again this morning, where he told a little anecdote about an Aberdonian Farmer who had thwarted Trump's dastardly plans to extend his golf course. Quite some time ago, but still a source of glee to Cox. Clearly unperturbed that the President of the United States had been targeted in an assassination attempt by a gunman of strong political ideology but poor logistical skills; giving, in fact, the impression that Cox would have cheered the man on, he expressed his grave concern for the would-be assassin having had his clothes removed. Maybe he will start a campaign: Scotland Against Assassins Having Their Clothes Removed and their Nether Regions Wrapped in Bacofoil.
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| l.t.r. Brian Cox, actor, Scottish Green co-leader Ross Greer, SNP leader John Swinney and Greens co-leader Gillian Mackay. |
So, Scottish news. On Friday morning, Radio Scotland issued the following weather warning and advice:
"It is the fourth consecutive day of sunshine. Yes, its okay to put on your shorts, but best take a wee thin sweater in case of sunburn. The temperature is scheduled to get up to 11.5 degrees, as hot as late August, so be careful. Your thin white Scottish skin needs protecting from that great fireball in the sky. Barbecues are very tempting in these roasting temperatures, but don’t light them on open ground, parkland, moorland, forests or fields. In fact, it is probably best to light them in your kitchen, but have a bucket of water nearby in case it gets out of control. And on that note, enjoy the weekend, which will be a scorcher! And now, back to the Studio where we will tell you more about Jeffrey Epstein and the flats he rented for teenage prostitutes, trafficked young women in London and the salaries he issued so they could buy the weekly shop and any little things they needed day-to-day.
You can’t say salaries, that sounds like they were prostitutes on a payroll in a brothel.
OK, correction, little gifts. Better?
Much better. We’re talking about victims here."
Interesting bit of double think going on. It is now a requirement to describe prostitution as sex work. My AI firmly tells me that sex work is work, and the terminology used to describe it should be inclusive, rights-affirming, and non-stigmatizing. Sex work is defined as the consensual provision of sexual services, performances, or products for material compensation, emphasizing labour and economic agency rather than moral judgment or criminality and Sex Worker is an umbrella term for anyone engaged in sex work, including female, male, transgender, and non-binary individuals, as well as those performing direct or indirect sexual services. An adult content creator is an individual producing erotic or pornographic content. A BDSM professional is a sex worker specializing in bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, or masochism services. Do not use the words Prostitute, Victim, Sinner, or Deviant as these are stigmatizing terms that undermine the recognition of sex work as legitimate labour, carrying moralistic or criminal connotations.
So far, so woke.
Unless Jeffrey Epstein's name enters the conversation.
Anyway, you'll be relieved to hear that the temperatures have not achieved Scorchio here in Orkney. We are back at a comfortable 9.5 degrees, under a heavy blanket of cloud. The ishmaeling tells me that in the Midlands, where the hybrid black poplar fell over, temperatures are around 21.5 degrees of C. Really? How do people survive?
There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4
At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.
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| Rhubarb! |
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