The Sunday Pissoir: 16/11/2025

 

Well, Lord Copper, on the facts as reported, one can only surmise that the former Chancellor of the Exchequer, former Bullingdonboy, former Conservative MP for Tatton, former editor of the Evening Standard, former advisor to the asset manager for BlackRock, investment banker at Robey Warshaw, chairman of the British Museum, and proud father of the imaginatively-named Luke Benedict, Liberty Kate, Beau, Arthur and Pax, is a piss-poor dinner party host.

One may surmise that the conversation went like this:

Baron Mandelson (aka The Red Baron): Please may I use your toilet?
The former Former: No, piss off.
Baron: Oh, please, I'm desperate.
Former: I said piss off, nonce-adjacent Gayman, we've drunk your Chilean wine, so piss right off.
Baron: Can I wait inside for my Uber?
Former: What did I say?
Baron: Was that piss off?

A Leak in the Establishment: 

Leaked WhatsApp Chat: Mandelson & Osborne

Time: 00:47 AM

Location: Somewhere between Notting Hill and Uber Purgatory

Mandelson: George. I’ve just urinated on your perimeter wall.

Long wait for Uber. No loo access. Regret nothing.

Osborne: Peter. The wall is Grade II listed. Was it respectful?

Mandelson:  I whispered “Third Way forever” as I relieved myself.

Uber arrived. Driver said I was "Epstein's nonce friend." And left.

Osborne: You should sue.

Mandelson: I’m saving my lawsuits for the BBC. They edited me to sound like I endorsed Donald Trump.

Osborne: Unforgivable.

Mandelson: Anyway, your wall now bears the mark of New Labour. History will judge it kindly.

Osborne: I’ll send the butler with a towel.

 BBC Internal Email

From: Tim Davie & Deborah Turness

To: All BBC Staff

Subject: Managing Peer-Related Wall Incidents with Discretion

Dear Colleagues,

In light of recent media speculation surrounding a senior peer’s alleged interaction with a Grade II listed boundary wall following a private dinner at a former Chancellor’s residence, we wish to offer guidance on how to respond with professionalism, discretion, and editorial neutrality.

What Happened (Officially)

We do not confirm, deny, or editorialize reports of Lord Mandelson urinating on George Osborne’s garden wall while awaiting an Uber. We acknowledge that masonry was involved, and that the peer in question may have been suffering post-loss trauma.

How to Respond

If approached by press or public:

• Use the phrase: “We are aware of the reports and are reviewing the editorial implications.”

• Do not use the phrase: “He peed on the wall.”

• Refer to the incident as a “moment of personal expression in a transitional urban space.”

If asked whether the BBC will cover the story:

• Say: “We are committed to impartial coverage of all masonry-related events.”

• Avoid: “We’re saving it for Have I Got News For You.”

Editorial Considerations

This incident raises important questions about:

• The boundaries between public and private relief.

• The symbolic resonance of masonry in post-Blair Britain.

• The role of Uber in shaping elite urinary behaviour.

Final Thoughts

Let us remember that we are not just journalists—we are custodians of a National Treasure. When a peer meets a wall, history listens. Let us ensure our microphones are pointed in the right direction.

Yours in editorial solidarity,

Tim & Deborah

(former)Director-General & CEO of BBC News

BBC Press Release

Title: Lord Mandelson and the Wall: A Statement of Regretful Ambiguity

Issued by: BBC Communications Office

Date: 16 November 2025

In response to recent media coverage concerning Lord Mandelson’s alleged interaction with a boundary wall following a private dinner hosted by former Chancellor George Osborne, the BBC wishes to clarify its position with the appropriate level of editorial distance and architectural respect.

The Incident

We understand that Lord Mandelson, while awaiting transportation, may have engaged in a moment of personal relief. While the BBC was not involved in the dinner, the Uber, or the masonry, we recognize the public interest in matters involving peers and boundaries.

Editorial Position

The BBC does not condone, endorse, or editorialize acts of urination, symbolic or otherwise. We remain committed to impartial coverage of all bodily functions when they intersect with heritage property and political legacy.

Regretful Ambiguity

We regret any distress caused by the reporting of this incident, and acknowledge the complexity of the social, architectural, and micturitional contexts. We are reviewing our protocols to ensure future wall-related events are handled with greater nuance and fewer puns.

Moving Forward

We will not be commissioning a documentary at this time, though we remain open to exploring the broader themes of masonry, power, and post-Blair bladder control in future programming.

We thank the public for their continued trust in our editorial discretion and our ability to navigate the delicate intersection of politics and plumbing.

Stanislav say:

BBC involve in everything except truth. You film fucking puffin fucking but miss peer peeing on history. Stanislav intersect with toilet daily. BBC intersect with nonsense hourly.

Stanislav navigate plumbing. BBC navigate fog. Fog of fear. Fog of fudge. Fog of piss. Sofa cunts.

AN ECONOMIC ILLITERATE SPEAKS TO OTHER ECONOMIC ILLITERATES.

Well, Conference, there may well be growing govament debt, wages may well be worthless; the only growth is in house prices and tax fraud but look on the bright side, apprenticeships are providing very useful - £2.55 pence per hour - slave labour to businesses, as well as teaching our young people valuable skills such as grass-cutting and floor-sweeping, sometimes for as long as ten hours per week, but do not worry, Conference, we will try to drive these wages down further and spread the culture of zero-hours contracts to all, apart from ourselves (cheers and applause from elderly, bilious Tories;) we have cleared the way for asset-stripping companies, such as the recent owners of Phones4You, to borrow money at almost zero per cent, load it onto the balance sheet of a perfectly healthy company, extract and pay themselves bonuses and expenses in excess of thirty million pounds - paid, of course into tax-free accounts overseas - and then crash the company, throwing 5,000 proper taxpayers out of work, depriving the Exchequer of proper tax revenues (cheers, whistles foot-stomping.) Best of all, building on the work of the last lot, we have extended the practice of borrowing-money-into-existence and passing it to our friends in the banks in order that they may loan it to the public in the hope that mortgage holders and businesses may in due course be robbed by the banks of their lives' work.

Unemployment, homelessness, illness, slavery and usury; these, conference, are what we proudly offer you; mock growth, mock jobs, a mock health service and every other shop in the High Street a loan shop. No-one can say I'm making a fuck of the economy, I am proudly and determinedly making a mock of it.

(Conference erupts in tears of jubilation, no-one present having a fucking clue how money works, much less economics. Well, they wouldn't be there, wouldn't be Tories, if they did, would they?)

The front bench anal fistula, Osborne, looking as sickly-pasty as if he had fellated half the hall and was about to throw-up.

A Prime Minister speaks:

Here at home, we spend only 16 billion pounds a year on the War on Drugs.

And yes, I know, half the legislature is on cocaine.

But they only use taxpayers' money for it. Quite proply, in my judgement.

Yes, I know, it is mad, isn't it, Mr Tiny Speaker, declaring war on inimitable things. No, no, I mean indeterminate things. Wossat? Inanimate things. OK. Woddever. But it's what we do now, declaring War with a capital doubleyou on things. Yes, War. On things. Yes, yes, and where was I? Yes, the War on Drugs, after having spent a fucking fortune the fucking things've never been fucking cheaper or more fucking plentiful. Yes, even though we've spent - wossmore'n'a trillion, George?

Chancellor Osborne, in charge of HM Voodoo Economics policies.

A gazillion, boss.

Right, right, thank you, Chancellor, we've spent gazillions of your taxpounds on the War on Drugs, here, in this theatre of operations, and it's made drugs easier and cheaper to come by than even when I was at Oxford.

Not that I was.

No, I was at Oxford, yes, getting the best degree you can buy, a double-triple, I believe it was called. Only not taking any of TheGoodStuff, I mean cocaine. No, no, my sepsus, I was born with a perforated sepsus, and if you don't believe me I can show you an X-ray of Lady Hague's uterus, to prove I'm not gay, and sleeping with a pretty young blade, I mean aide. And no, it is simply not fair to describe the Chancellor........

An I'm gonna be hi-i-i-i-igh as a kite by then. I'm a Regency Rocket Man.

...........as a victim of the War on Drugs.

He's always had enough money to buy them,

whatever the price.

Not that he does.

..........................................................

Thank you, mr ishmael. (Satire, Remember?)

Returning to Stanislav AND the BBC

Stanislav, a young Polish plumber, writes:

Stanislav fix leak in flat of Mrs. Thatcher’s ghost when hear:

“Donald Trump suing BBC for billion dollars.”

Stanislav laugh so hard, he crack cistern.

Soft-palmed, Oxbridge BBC sofa-cunts, edit Trump speech like it TikTok for fascists. Cut, snip, paste - make him sound like declare war on grammar and democrats.  Trump say: “I want apology and billion.” BBC say: “We regret your feelings but not our actions.” Stanislav say: “In Poland, when broadcaster lie, get slap with kielbasa and sent to fix roof. In Britain, get pension and podcast. BBC all about drywank jawdrop apologies. “We take this seriously” have soy chai and hire diversity consultant to explain facts are fascist.

Stanislav go back to pipe. It leak like Beeb credibility.

Stanislav is young Polish plumber. He come to England to fix leaks, not watch nation drown in bullshit. 

Stanislav know BBC. He fix boiler in Broadcasting House once. Whole place smell like fear and hummus. People there speak in apology. Not English. Not Polish. Just apology.

Trump want billion dollar. BBC say no. They clutch pearls so hard, pearls file restraining order.

Stanislav fix leaks. Unclog truth. Not edit speeches to sound like fascist karaoke. Today, Stanislav hear new news:

BBC say won’t pay Trump because it’s license payers’ money.

Trump say: “No problem. Pay from own bank accounts. Name names.”

BBC panic. They say: “We regret the impression that our impression may have impressed upon you, but we cannot pay because the money belongs to Mrs. Penelope in Croydon who watches Antiques Roadshow”

Trump say: “Name names.”

Trump want names. BBC give job titles.

 BBC Internal Memo

From: Tim Davie & Deborah Turness

To: All BBC Editorial Staff

Subject: Editorial Excellence, Ethics, and Navigating the Post-Trump Terrain

Dear Colleagues,

As we reflect on recent events - including the regrettable but artistically necessary misrepresentation of President Trump’s speech, we wish to extend our heartfelt thanks for your continued commitment to editorial nuance, progressive signalling, and strategic opacity.

Your ability to balance truth with taste, and taste with trending hashtags, remains the envy of broadcasters worldwide.

Praise for Contemporary Ethics:

We are particularly proud of the following achievements:

• Rewriting historical documentaries to include more feelings and fewer facts.

• Replacing “women” with “pregnant people” while maintaining a facial expression of studied neutrality.

• Ensuring all wildlife programming includes a climate change mention.

These are not just editorial choices—they are moral victories.

How to Get Away With It

In light of the Trump lawsuit, we offer the following guidance:

1. Apologize with Ambiguity

Use phrases like “We regret any impression that may have been formed”. Never admit fault. Fault is for ITV.

2. Invoke the Licence Fee

Remind critics that compensation would come from the public purse. This shifts blame to the viewer, which is always safe.

3. Name No Names

If pressed, refer to “editorial teams” or “production units.” Never name individuals. Individuals have pensions.

4. Deploy the Diversity Cloak

If criticism escalates, issue a statement reaffirming our commitment to inclusion. This creates a moral smokescreen and confuses the tabloids.

5. Use the Word “Complex” Liberally

All errors are “complex editorial challenges.” This implies depth, even when the mistake was cutting a sentence in half and adding ominous music.

 Final Thoughts

We are not just a broadcaster. We are a beacon of curated truth, a lighthouse in the fog of nuance. Let us continue to lead with empathy, edit with flair, and apologize with plausible deniability.

Yours in broadcast solidarity,

Tim & Deborah

(former) Director-General & CEO of BBC News

“Honest, not invent.”

................................................................................

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